Anyone been through this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Anyone been through this?
My husband and I just decided last night our marriage is over. I've been sober and in recovery with AA for 9 years and in Al Anon for 1 1/2 years. He is in complete denial that he has a problem and is not willing to explore any help regarding his problem. I am completely tired of the roller coaster and seeing the affects on our children. (8 and 4 years old). He initially wanted to separate but is not willing to leave the house. I read a little bit on divorce laws and appears that if either one of us moved out there are legal consequences. His first priority (even though he said it's our kids) is money. I fear he may try to drain our accounts so I was reading up on some options (like freezing our accounts). We are
Going to try to work it out through mediation if possible. Anyone been through a similar situation and if so can you share your experience or thoughts?
Going to try to work it out through mediation if possible. Anyone been through a similar situation and if so can you share your experience or thoughts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Refiner 
Get a legal separation ASAP which freezes your assets and separate all accounts (checking, savings, credit cards, etc) at the same time. That's #1 to do!
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 193
I just opened my own set of accounts and transferred half of everything into mine and considered the other account "his." At the time I was the only one making money so I transferred half of my paycheck after fixed expenses like our mortgage, nanny, etc. into "his" account. So I may have had more control than you do if he still earns a wage.
I did a complete record of all of our balances as of that date. Later his attorney tried to get on my case about it, but because I had documented everything, there wasn't much he could make of it.
I also immediately discontinued joint credit cards - which most banks don't issue anymore, there is a primary card holder and an authorized user. Figure out which card is whose and then only use the card you are primary user of. Remove him as an authorized user. There was one card where we were truly joint so they would not remove him - but I persuaded them to reduce the credit limit to $5k to limit how much he could do damage.
What you are trying to do is set up a clean record and ideally switch everything as of one date like the end or beginning of a month.
I didn't do a legal separation but that may be an option as well. This worked reasonably well for me.
I did a complete record of all of our balances as of that date. Later his attorney tried to get on my case about it, but because I had documented everything, there wasn't much he could make of it.
I also immediately discontinued joint credit cards - which most banks don't issue anymore, there is a primary card holder and an authorized user. Figure out which card is whose and then only use the card you are primary user of. Remove him as an authorized user. There was one card where we were truly joint so they would not remove him - but I persuaded them to reduce the credit limit to $5k to limit how much he could do damage.
What you are trying to do is set up a clean record and ideally switch everything as of one date like the end or beginning of a month.
I didn't do a legal separation but that may be an option as well. This worked reasonably well for me.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Please, PLEASE talk to a lawyer. You can read the statutes in your state, but the courts sometimes interpret the law differently than the way it reads to a layperson. You have property AND kids--your situation is not a simple one, and you need good legal advice.
Many lawyers will give you an initial consultation for free.
Incidentally, not all states recognize legal separation and it has a different legal impact in different states. There are also support and custody/parenting time issues to consider.
You have too much at state to try to do this on your own. I'm a lawyer and I wouldn't try it on my own in your circumstances.
Many lawyers will give you an initial consultation for free.
Incidentally, not all states recognize legal separation and it has a different legal impact in different states. There are also support and custody/parenting time issues to consider.
You have too much at state to try to do this on your own. I'm a lawyer and I wouldn't try it on my own in your circumstances.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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* Lexie is right - all the steps I took were with the guidance and approval of my attorney.
We did pursue mediation, which I would recommend above normal court proceedings to anyone, especially regarding the kids. We worked on the JPA with someone whose background was child related social work and she was a godsend, even before I knew AXH was an alcoholic; and she's even better now. Unfortunately we did the financials in court, because XH didn't want to negotiate with a mediator when he realized he could get more - and it cost us many more months and tens of thousands of dollars to deal with.
But you should still have an attorney who can help provide consult in these early stages and throughout. Mine was worth every penny I paid him.
We did pursue mediation, which I would recommend above normal court proceedings to anyone, especially regarding the kids. We worked on the JPA with someone whose background was child related social work and she was a godsend, even before I knew AXH was an alcoholic; and she's even better now. Unfortunately we did the financials in court, because XH didn't want to negotiate with a mediator when he realized he could get more - and it cost us many more months and tens of thousands of dollars to deal with.
But you should still have an attorney who can help provide consult in these early stages and throughout. Mine was worth every penny I paid him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One caveat for anyone else reading. Mediation is NOT wise when there is abuse in the picture. The bargaining positions are not equal and mediation can provide another forum for abuse. It can be great where that is not a factor.
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I'm going to agree w/those who say to see a lawyer. I planned to do my own divorce since there was no debt, no kids and no disagreement between XAH and I about who got what. However, I consulted a lawyer for a few questions and was very glad I did.
I had read online about separation/divorce and had come to the conclusion that we couldn't do a separation b/c it would not protect me financially from any problems XAH might have. This was a big problem for me, b/c it also seemed that once XAH and I were divorced, I could not remain on his health insurance, and my job at the time had no benefits (and Affordable Care would NOT have been affordable for me).
The lawyer set me straight about separation in MY state (I was wrong about financial protection) and as a result, we did do a separation. Granted, that lasted only a few months before being converted to a divorce, but that was enough to buy me time to a job w/benefits.
My point is that, IMHO, it was well worth what I spent to consult w/this attorney (who was clear, helpful and seemed delighted to be involved in an amicable separation!) in terms of peace of mind, accurate information, and the ultimate outcome.
I had read online about separation/divorce and had come to the conclusion that we couldn't do a separation b/c it would not protect me financially from any problems XAH might have. This was a big problem for me, b/c it also seemed that once XAH and I were divorced, I could not remain on his health insurance, and my job at the time had no benefits (and Affordable Care would NOT have been affordable for me).
The lawyer set me straight about separation in MY state (I was wrong about financial protection) and as a result, we did do a separation. Granted, that lasted only a few months before being converted to a divorce, but that was enough to buy me time to a job w/benefits.
My point is that, IMHO, it was well worth what I spent to consult w/this attorney (who was clear, helpful and seemed delighted to be involved in an amicable separation!) in terms of peace of mind, accurate information, and the ultimate outcome.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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First things first. Get the advice of an attorney. I don't know what your financial situation is but if you need to borrow the cash from a family member, do it! My parents GLADLY opened up their checkbook to me when I made my decision to divorce. I was able to repay them after I sold my house after the divorce.
Second. What I wiil tell you from experience is that it is almost impossible and NOT a good situation for the children to be in when both parents are still living in the same household while going through the divorce. Way too much tension and arguing. It's best if one of you leaves, preferably him. My Exhusband refused to leave until an argument escalated and I unfortunately had to call 911 out of fear. They made him leave for the night and the next day my father made him leave for good. Lol. You didn't mess with big daddy.
Start with some council and take it from there..... Good luck!
Second. What I wiil tell you from experience is that it is almost impossible and NOT a good situation for the children to be in when both parents are still living in the same household while going through the divorce. Way too much tension and arguing. It's best if one of you leaves, preferably him. My Exhusband refused to leave until an argument escalated and I unfortunately had to call 911 out of fear. They made him leave for the night and the next day my father made him leave for good. Lol. You didn't mess with big daddy.
Start with some council and take it from there..... Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by LexieCat
One caveat for anyone else reading. Mediation is NOT wise when there is abuse in the picture. The bargaining positions are not equal and mediation can provide another forum for abuse. It can be great where that is not a factor.
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Originally Posted by Kkgrace
Thanks for the information. Does it matter who chooses the mediator? He is insisting that he choose one because of bias. This isn't going to be easy.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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You both need to agree on the mediator. It doesn't matter who "picks"--you both have to be satisfied. So you could flip a coin to see who picks--the other person still has to approve.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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We worked with two mediators, one for the JPA and one for the MSA.
As it happened, AXH felt that the first was "on his side" (actually it became clear she was on the KIDS' side - but she was very empathetic of the situation and I think he interpreted that to mean she favored him).
The MSA mediator lost him in about two sessions when he didn't seem to take much of a side or seemed more on my side. So he took the financial settlement to court.
So there is some benefit to working with "his" mediator, so long as whoever it is checks out.
Some mediators handle both parenting and financial issues, but in a case like this I would imagine a mediator with child development experience (like mine had) might be something you would want - and someone like this likely won't handle the financials too. My now husband on the other hand, did both with a retired judge, and she was incredible about dealing with his narcissistic ex, telling her many times throughout the process, "You will never get that in court" and eventually advising my H that he got a bad deal, but it would cost him way more to take the unreasonable and angry person to court.
It is worth asking your attorney who's good. The ideal is that your husband brings along someone your attorney can vouch for.
As it happened, AXH felt that the first was "on his side" (actually it became clear she was on the KIDS' side - but she was very empathetic of the situation and I think he interpreted that to mean she favored him).
The MSA mediator lost him in about two sessions when he didn't seem to take much of a side or seemed more on my side. So he took the financial settlement to court.
So there is some benefit to working with "his" mediator, so long as whoever it is checks out.
Some mediators handle both parenting and financial issues, but in a case like this I would imagine a mediator with child development experience (like mine had) might be something you would want - and someone like this likely won't handle the financials too. My now husband on the other hand, did both with a retired judge, and she was incredible about dealing with his narcissistic ex, telling her many times throughout the process, "You will never get that in court" and eventually advising my H that he got a bad deal, but it would cost him way more to take the unreasonable and angry person to court.
It is worth asking your attorney who's good. The ideal is that your husband brings along someone your attorney can vouch for.
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