DD5 First Week of Kindergarten
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Location: Richmond, VA
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DD5 First Week of Kindergarten
Tuesday was little blossom's first day of school. Her dad (exABF) reminded her in the days before that it was also his birthday, taking away from her excitement and focus on school and putting it back on himself.
He then backed out of seeing her get on the bus due to my boyfriend being at my house. (BF wasn't going to go to the bus stop with us, he wanted to, but didn't want to impose on dd's dad). Which was fine because she really wanted BF to go.
Instead, exABF meets her up at the her school and walks her to her class. Okay, to most people that looks like a sweet gesture. In reality it was show boating, making him look like parent of the year when he didn't even show up to orientation. I felt like it was probably distracting but if it made her happy then fine.
Well this morning she and I are standing at the bus stop and shes on the phone with him. He asks her if she has his birthday present for him (she goes to his house tonight). She immediately gets panicked because she doesn't. I tell her we don't have time, she will have to give it to him Sunday when he drops her off. I tell him on the phone that he needs to stop doing things like that, she needs to be focused on school. His response? "Well, it is my birthday."
Meanwhile, shes crying so hard with tears running down her little face. We walk back up to the house so I can calm her down and she can make her dad a card. I don't want to send her on the bus crying. Ended up 20 minutes late for work.
Lessons learned: 1) No phone calls with daddy right before going to school.
2) Even when feelings/opinions are rational, if they don't match with the alcoholics then they are wrong. --- I knew this once, but I've gotten more accustomed to speaking with rational beings since leaving.
He then backed out of seeing her get on the bus due to my boyfriend being at my house. (BF wasn't going to go to the bus stop with us, he wanted to, but didn't want to impose on dd's dad). Which was fine because she really wanted BF to go.
Instead, exABF meets her up at the her school and walks her to her class. Okay, to most people that looks like a sweet gesture. In reality it was show boating, making him look like parent of the year when he didn't even show up to orientation. I felt like it was probably distracting but if it made her happy then fine.
Well this morning she and I are standing at the bus stop and shes on the phone with him. He asks her if she has his birthday present for him (she goes to his house tonight). She immediately gets panicked because she doesn't. I tell her we don't have time, she will have to give it to him Sunday when he drops her off. I tell him on the phone that he needs to stop doing things like that, she needs to be focused on school. His response? "Well, it is my birthday."
Meanwhile, shes crying so hard with tears running down her little face. We walk back up to the house so I can calm her down and she can make her dad a card. I don't want to send her on the bus crying. Ended up 20 minutes late for work.
Lessons learned: 1) No phone calls with daddy right before going to school.
2) Even when feelings/opinions are rational, if they don't match with the alcoholics then they are wrong. --- I knew this once, but I've gotten more accustomed to speaking with rational beings since leaving.
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I'm feeling a lot of guilt right now! One of those days where I wish she and I could've stayed home after that.
I'm worrying about things I can't help - like what he will tell her this weekend about me, about the guy I'm seeing. She comes home with little snipits of things I know has come from him, but with this morning's event I always worry he will really try something. Whenever I tell him he's done something wrong as a parent he goes out of his way to make dd angry with me.
I probably couldve handled this morning a little better to be honest. I reacted when he wanted. Seeing her upset because of him just makes the mama bear come out. I was a little short with her when we were walking on the way back to the house but I did apologize and told her I was just upset, but that I was proud of her for being so thoughtful. I don't want her to deal with the constant anxiety I live with. That instant panic on her face because she forgot something he wanted....
I'm worrying about things I can't help - like what he will tell her this weekend about me, about the guy I'm seeing. She comes home with little snipits of things I know has come from him, but with this morning's event I always worry he will really try something. Whenever I tell him he's done something wrong as a parent he goes out of his way to make dd angry with me.
I probably couldve handled this morning a little better to be honest. I reacted when he wanted. Seeing her upset because of him just makes the mama bear come out. I was a little short with her when we were walking on the way back to the house but I did apologize and told her I was just upset, but that I was proud of her for being so thoughtful. I don't want her to deal with the constant anxiety I live with. That instant panic on her face because she forgot something he wanted....
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I wish I didn't know exactly the kind of guilt you mean, but I do.
It truly sucks to feel so out of control when it comes to your kids - more than any other time. IME, I just couldn't bring myself to bad-mouth AH to DD simply because I couldn't face myself if I had knowingly added to her stress by playing tug of war with her emotions like that.
BUT I used these experiences to get inside her head, even at 5 yrs old. (we were separated at the time & he was drinking heavily but I didn't know that) I let her drive the conversations and when she asked me why/how come/etc I turned it back to her, "What do YOU think DD? You have feelings and eyes to see - what does that situation make YOU feel?" I learned A LOT about what she noticed & thought about it all. I could validate her experience for her - "yes, I see what you mean, that does hurt/that is confusing" etc. At least that way she got it out of her head & I could sometimes help her identify what she was feeling - at 5, who has all the words to describe living with active addiction?? She had lots & lots of feelings & observations, but few words to describe them.
The least of what happened during those conversations is that we build solid trust between us. She knew that I valued her feelings & that she could come to me about anything. She knew that I'd always be honest with her even if the answer was that I didn't understand it any better than she did & that I was trying to figure it out myself. We've never stopped talking like that & now at 12, it's one of the things I value most in my life.... having a pre-teen that is willing to talk to you about sex, drugs, etc - priceless.
BIG HUGS to you & your little one today! I'm so sorry that he has marred these memories of her KDG experience - this disease is so unbelievably selfish.
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Firesprite - I can't bad mouth exABF to DD either. My parents had a nasty split and hearing them talk bad about each other made me feel like I couldn't talk to them about the other one.
The way you and your dd communicate is what I strive for! I told her the other day (after she repeated some things her dad said that weren't nice) that sometimes she may hear things that aren't nice and that she shouldn't let that change how she feels. She told me "I know. my daddy can be a little mean sometimes."
I know in the long run that he is only hurting their relationship by doing some of the things that he does. I just hope I can guide her down a better path than repeating my mistakes, or his.
The way you and your dd communicate is what I strive for! I told her the other day (after she repeated some things her dad said that weren't nice) that sometimes she may hear things that aren't nice and that she shouldn't let that change how she feels. She told me "I know. my daddy can be a little mean sometimes."
I know in the long run that he is only hurting their relationship by doing some of the things that he does. I just hope I can guide her down a better path than repeating my mistakes, or his.
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Location: Wareham, Mass
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Awww. I am so sorry about your situation, BX2. It's telling, imo, that your ex is focusing his manipulative shenanigans on your little one. Prob realizes that he can't do it with you anymore, so picks on someone else, like a 5 year old. That's mature, not. The self-centered nature of the alcoholic personality never ceases to amaze and, must be said, anger me. My AB sees EVERYTHING through the lenses of, "what's in it for me?" or, alternatively, "This is not my fault because (fill in the blank"). For what it's worth, I strongly believe that karma's a b****. Peace and love.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Blossom, you are an amazing mom.
Don't ever forget that.
You're handling yourself with such grace (even if you don't feel it) in a situation of chaos.
In the future, your DD will remember it all. I certainly did.
She'll remember that you didn't trash/bash her father. She will remember who used guilt as a weapon and tried to make her choose sides. She'll remember that you didn't play sides because you weren't on your side, you were on hers.
I think of how I feel being an adult and facing an alcoholic. How much this has torn me apart when I'm capable of having understanding and compiling my emotions. The absolute confusion I feel as an adult. Then I imagine a child facing the alcoholic.
You are her safe place. She'll learn that quicker than you can imagine.
Keep up the great work Mom. ♡
Don't ever forget that.
You're handling yourself with such grace (even if you don't feel it) in a situation of chaos.
In the future, your DD will remember it all. I certainly did.
She'll remember that you didn't trash/bash her father. She will remember who used guilt as a weapon and tried to make her choose sides. She'll remember that you didn't play sides because you weren't on your side, you were on hers.
I think of how I feel being an adult and facing an alcoholic. How much this has torn me apart when I'm capable of having understanding and compiling my emotions. The absolute confusion I feel as an adult. Then I imagine a child facing the alcoholic.
You are her safe place. She'll learn that quicker than you can imagine.
Keep up the great work Mom. ♡
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