I told him...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
I told him...
Yesterday was one of the hardest days of my life. I told my husband I was moving out and we need to start the process of separation. At first he took it bad. Threatened he was going to make it difficult and it will not be peaceful! Then 2 hours later after he spoke with his mother he agreed to make the separation process as smooth as possible for the boys. I was surprised by his reaction...acting civil and wanting what's best for the boys. He said he does not want divorce but will respect my decision. We both cried, hugged and talked about our wonderful memories. Then we talked about what we felt went wrong in the marriage.
I feel so empty right now. Now that the cat is out of the bag I feel awful. Been crying all night and day. This man I spent 11 years with is soon to be my ex husband. He said all the right things....said our marriage started crumbling 8 years ago and we neglected us as a couple. He said he felt unloved and I said i felt manipulated and controlled. He admitted that he did not make his recovery a way of life for over 10 years. That he wanted to be a normal person not an addict so he ignored his commitment to meetings and sponsors. Says he realizes now he will have to work hard every day for the rest of his life to stay on track. With all that being said I'm having severe second thoughts. We are both in so much pain. I'm so confused. I know it's normal to have second thoughts about divorce and separation....it's just a gut wrenching feeling and I don't know what to do about it.
I feel so empty right now. Now that the cat is out of the bag I feel awful. Been crying all night and day. This man I spent 11 years with is soon to be my ex husband. He said all the right things....said our marriage started crumbling 8 years ago and we neglected us as a couple. He said he felt unloved and I said i felt manipulated and controlled. He admitted that he did not make his recovery a way of life for over 10 years. That he wanted to be a normal person not an addict so he ignored his commitment to meetings and sponsors. Says he realizes now he will have to work hard every day for the rest of his life to stay on track. With all that being said I'm having severe second thoughts. We are both in so much pain. I'm so confused. I know it's normal to have second thoughts about divorce and separation....it's just a gut wrenching feeling and I don't know what to do about it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
mama...
I know you've been struggling a long time and you've been extremely reluctant to make the decision you just did. But the sad truth is he left you no choice.
mama...at the end of the day, we have to judge the people in our lives by their actions and not their words. I understand that you're having "severe second thoughts". I understand you're in a lot of pain. Stop, set that all aside for a moment, and consider what you know to be true. Consider all the events that led you to make this decision. It wasn't just one event. It was a series of events. And your decision is a function of the cumulative effect of those events. So, yes, you're in pain, and you're having second thoughts. I think all of that is normal. But the sad truth is the price you and your boys have paid is too high. So you did what you had to do.
I'll leave you with this. I think it's very, very important that you reach out to the women here you've been in a similar spot for wisdom and for support. During challenging times, no one is an island, and no one should feel alone.
Keep us posted.
I know you've been struggling a long time and you've been extremely reluctant to make the decision you just did. But the sad truth is he left you no choice.
He said all the right things....He said he felt unloved...That he wanted to be a normal person not an addict so he ignored his commitment to meetings and sponsors. Says he realizes now he will have to work hard every day for the rest of his life to stay on track
I'll leave you with this. I think it's very, very important that you reach out to the women here you've been in a similar spot for wisdom and for support. During challenging times, no one is an island, and no one should feel alone.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Mama,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know you're decision was not made lightly. You did what you have to do.
I would encourage you to try to avoid anymore emotional situations. Avoid hugging or discussions on what went wrong, what either of you could have done differently. It's too painful and can lead us to believe their words all over again, since we want so much to. I don't know if you know my story, but I stopped the divorce process with my AX because I believed all of his lies and promises. He paid $800 for a postnup saying that he would never do these things to me again, and within 1 month he violated it. I know he fully intended to change, I know he loves me and the kids. But addiction always wins. Please, don't get sucked in again like I did. I know I would have gotten full custody and much more if I hadn't shown the court by my actions that I didn't believe he was a threat to my family. Stay strong. I know it's so difficult. Get yourself a really good support system. I never miss a CR or church- I know that even when I start to get comfortable and think I'm doing fine, I'm just a moment away from losing my head.
Wishing you peace and strength
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know you're decision was not made lightly. You did what you have to do.
I would encourage you to try to avoid anymore emotional situations. Avoid hugging or discussions on what went wrong, what either of you could have done differently. It's too painful and can lead us to believe their words all over again, since we want so much to. I don't know if you know my story, but I stopped the divorce process with my AX because I believed all of his lies and promises. He paid $800 for a postnup saying that he would never do these things to me again, and within 1 month he violated it. I know he fully intended to change, I know he loves me and the kids. But addiction always wins. Please, don't get sucked in again like I did. I know I would have gotten full custody and much more if I hadn't shown the court by my actions that I didn't believe he was a threat to my family. Stay strong. I know it's so difficult. Get yourself a really good support system. I never miss a CR or church- I know that even when I start to get comfortable and think I'm doing fine, I'm just a moment away from losing my head.
Wishing you peace and strength
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Mama,
Sorry that you had to do this, but I think you know deep down that it is for the best for you and the boys. Stay strong.
May the grace of God wrap you and the boys in his protective blanket until this storm is over.
One day at a time,
Jim
Sorry that you had to do this, but I think you know deep down that it is for the best for you and the boys. Stay strong.
May the grace of God wrap you and the boys in his protective blanket until this storm is over.
One day at a time,
Jim
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mama...you didn't get to this point because you wanted this...
You didn't get to this point without things being hellish for a very long time...
You didn't get here because of a hasty decision, on a whim.....
You didn't get to this point because your marriage could give you what you and your boys need.....
There just comes a point when you have to do what you know you have to do.....
That is reality!
I know that it is painful......but, you have lived in pain for a looong time, haven't you...?
This is not the end of y our world.....
The future will be better for a ll concerned
You didn't get to this point without things being hellish for a very long time...
You didn't get here because of a hasty decision, on a whim.....
You didn't get to this point because your marriage could give you what you and your boys need.....
There just comes a point when you have to do what you know you have to do.....
That is reality!
I know that it is painful......but, you have lived in pain for a looong time, haven't you...?
This is not the end of y our world.....
The future will be better for a ll concerned
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Sending you hugs...it's not an easy time to say the least. What made it easier for me was no contact. By doing this I got to see his actions and not his words which always tended to cloud my mind and make me second guess everything. His actions have been not that of someone in recovery so he's made my decision to divorce him a much easier one. If I was still talking to him on a daily basis I would be in a very hard place because I ALWAYS want to see the good in everyone and believe they can be better. Take this time to be alone and just allow peace into your life. You and your boys deserve it. You can do this and we are all here for you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Mama - sending you big hugs, I have been exactly where you are now 6 months ago, now divorced.
Just like you - there was no other choice.
It is getting easier - in a way, but "second thoughts" sneak up on me - especially since XAH is almost at half year mark sober and his behaviour now resembles the man I married. Except - too many things happened, too much damage, than cannot be undone.
I keep a list of reasons why I divorced him close by - it helps. I miss him a lot, but the peace of not having to live on a ticking bomb, waiting for the other shoe to drop, being afraid of him driving DS under influence is worth the pain of missing him (more like his potential), especially since these painful moments are becoming less frequent! Hang in there - it will get better
Just like you - there was no other choice.
It is getting easier - in a way, but "second thoughts" sneak up on me - especially since XAH is almost at half year mark sober and his behaviour now resembles the man I married. Except - too many things happened, too much damage, than cannot be undone.
I keep a list of reasons why I divorced him close by - it helps. I miss him a lot, but the peace of not having to live on a ticking bomb, waiting for the other shoe to drop, being afraid of him driving DS under influence is worth the pain of missing him (more like his potential), especially since these painful moments are becoming less frequent! Hang in there - it will get better
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
I'm so glad to hear from you all. It means more to me than you'll ever know. You are all helping me through this and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I cry over everything...it's so annoying, lol!
I cry over everything...it's so annoying, lol!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((mama))),
Wow, I know how hard that decision is, and even harder to stand by it. The separation period is intended to be the bridge between together and divorce, so that you are confident in your decisions. This was a needed step one. No need to doubt yourself.
In time, I think you will see and feel the relive that will occur with you and the boys. With a little distance, you can see reality for what it is.
Dreams and wishes aren't real.
I wish you much peace and calm in the weeks and months to come.
Wow, I know how hard that decision is, and even harder to stand by it. The separation period is intended to be the bridge between together and divorce, so that you are confident in your decisions. This was a needed step one. No need to doubt yourself.
In time, I think you will see and feel the relive that will occur with you and the boys. With a little distance, you can see reality for what it is.
Dreams and wishes aren't real.
I wish you much peace and calm in the weeks and months to come.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
I see in your words the toughness of your decision. I too am where you are. I have been posting here for years and dealing with AH for even more years. Its true, it did not take a moment or one slip up to get to this decision. And if we allow ourselves to continue to beleive someone that has lied to us time and time again we only set ourselves up for failure.
I am not able to share a lot of experience with the separation part becuase we are still living together at the moment. But i do know this. Life with an addict is hell. Its like being kidnapped in your own home and knowing that you will never be rescued. We have spent years waiting for the magical day that it would all get better, we have hoped, and prayed, and made promises, agreements, budgets, all to no avail. Because drugs win. So do take care of you and I pray that you find peace in your decision. I know that it wont be easy but you deserve peace and happiness for you and your boys.
I am glad you are making a decision based on what is best for you and the boys. Good for you.
I am not able to share a lot of experience with the separation part becuase we are still living together at the moment. But i do know this. Life with an addict is hell. Its like being kidnapped in your own home and knowing that you will never be rescued. We have spent years waiting for the magical day that it would all get better, we have hoped, and prayed, and made promises, agreements, budgets, all to no avail. Because drugs win. So do take care of you and I pray that you find peace in your decision. I know that it wont be easy but you deserve peace and happiness for you and your boys.
I am glad you are making a decision based on what is best for you and the boys. Good for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 20
Oh do I see myself in your post. I'm crying as I write this bc this COULD be me but I'm too co-dependent to finally make the decision. I'm half in, half out. I want to be married and be with him but the years of lies and hurt and resentment and the continuing lies and relapses make me want to be divorced. He's sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME as I have tears falling down my face I could barely get my password on correctly to reply and he does not say a word to me, ask me what's wrong, who I'm frantically texting or writing to. He doesn't care so why should I? But I do and my kids do and I want out but then again I don't bc I'm scared and bc I've done it so long this is all I know how to do. I'm so proud you were able to stand up and do it. I know myself and if I did finally do it, I know I'd have second thoughts too. Unless he was totally out of sight I could never do it. I hope you stay strong and like everyone's said, we've been at this for years, this wasn't easy to do. What I thought if was that he was playing the game, being the true master manipulator that addicts are, telling you what you want to hear. So go with your gut and instinct.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by Thelyoness83 
Oh do I see myself in your post. I'm crying as I write this bc this COULD be me but I'm too co-dependent to finally make the decision. I'm half in, half out. I want to be married and be with him but the years of lies and hurt and resentment and the continuing lies and relapses make me want to be divorced. He's sitting RIGHT BESIDE ME as I have tears falling down my face I could barely get my password on correctly to reply and he does not say a word to me, ask me what's wrong, who I'm frantically texting or writing to. He doesn't care so why should I? But I do and my kids do and I want out but then again I don't bc I'm scared and bc I've done it so long this is all I know how to do. I'm so proud you were able to stand up and do it. I know myself and if I did finally do it, I know I'd have second thoughts too. Unless he was totally out of sight I could never do it. I hope you stay strong and like everyone's said, we've been at this for years, this wasn't easy to do. What I thought if was that he was playing the game, being the true master manipulator that addicts are, telling you what you want to hear. So go with your gut and instinct.
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