Recovering From So Much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Recovering From So Much
Hi,
It been a few weeks since I posted. Things are still very chaotic. Not sure when I'll have a week without any drama!
I moved again! This time I'll be staying awhile. It's a new mobile home, but very comfortable. I couldn't stay where I was. The tenants before me left seats from cars, engine parts, and cables all over the driveway and property. Also there was a water drainage problem. When it rained, you needed hip boots to go out your front door. Also, when it got cold, the ice was dangerous even with sand. Anyways, I fell on the cable and parts left in the driveway, first night I was there. I fractured my shoulder and tore my rotator cuff.
I had surgery on my shoulder this past Tuesday. I'm doing ok.
I'm very nervous. I have my first court date on Thursday of this coming week. It's a scheduling hearing. I filed for divorce 9 months ago, and I'm just getting this hearing. My lawyer wants to present a temporary degree. He says all our issues are final issues. I just want it over.
I want some closure to all this. I know I'll never understand what really happened! I know it's alcoholism. It's still hard to wrap your mind around having this wonderful incredible man love you, then question if it ever was even real! Realizing your life will never be the same again. And hope that I come out of all this being the same positive caring person I always have been. It's truely hard for me to trust myself to make decisions. I constantly question my myself, afraid to make more mistakes.
I feel so broken. Everything I believed that was so, wasn't. I just need to get through my court date on Thursday. Maybe that will give me some of the certainty I need to know, I'll get some financial relief, and what I deserve, and most importantly a beginning of closure to all this.
I do feel very blessed. I have the support of my family and a few close friends. And of course, this forum, and all of you have been my life line. I can't thank you
enough.
Z
It been a few weeks since I posted. Things are still very chaotic. Not sure when I'll have a week without any drama!
I moved again! This time I'll be staying awhile. It's a new mobile home, but very comfortable. I couldn't stay where I was. The tenants before me left seats from cars, engine parts, and cables all over the driveway and property. Also there was a water drainage problem. When it rained, you needed hip boots to go out your front door. Also, when it got cold, the ice was dangerous even with sand. Anyways, I fell on the cable and parts left in the driveway, first night I was there. I fractured my shoulder and tore my rotator cuff.
I had surgery on my shoulder this past Tuesday. I'm doing ok.
I'm very nervous. I have my first court date on Thursday of this coming week. It's a scheduling hearing. I filed for divorce 9 months ago, and I'm just getting this hearing. My lawyer wants to present a temporary degree. He says all our issues are final issues. I just want it over.
I want some closure to all this. I know I'll never understand what really happened! I know it's alcoholism. It's still hard to wrap your mind around having this wonderful incredible man love you, then question if it ever was even real! Realizing your life will never be the same again. And hope that I come out of all this being the same positive caring person I always have been. It's truely hard for me to trust myself to make decisions. I constantly question my myself, afraid to make more mistakes.
I feel so broken. Everything I believed that was so, wasn't. I just need to get through my court date on Thursday. Maybe that will give me some of the certainty I need to know, I'll get some financial relief, and what I deserve, and most importantly a beginning of closure to all this.
I do feel very blessed. I have the support of my family and a few close friends. And of course, this forum, and all of you have been my life line. I can't thank you
enough.
Z
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 25
Living with alcoholism makes you question everything - but please don't fool yourself into thinking that you are broken or that you cannot make the right decisions for yourself. You CAN. Those of us who have stuck around for so long have a huge capacity for forgiveness and seeing the best in people, for believing in people. Those are incredible gifts, even though in the wrong circumstances it is to our detriment. But this time, now, you are able to see things with so much clarity that you didn't have before. This new wisdom will carry with you forever. It, too, is a gift and a precious one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Z,
Look at how far you have come. It was 9 months ago that you filed. You are so much stronger then you think you are.
Try and worry about just today. It is so over whelming to think about tomorrow or Thursday. Make it thru today and then think about tomorrow. Once you break it into 24 hour periods you realize that you "can" do this!!!
Take care of yourself and take it easy. You don't need to fall again and re injure yourself.
Sending you peace and clarity this week. You can do this my Friend!!!
Look at how far you have come. It was 9 months ago that you filed. You are so much stronger then you think you are.
Try and worry about just today. It is so over whelming to think about tomorrow or Thursday. Make it thru today and then think about tomorrow. Once you break it into 24 hour periods you realize that you "can" do this!!!
Take care of yourself and take it easy. You don't need to fall again and re injure yourself.
Sending you peace and clarity this week. You can do this my Friend!!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Zircon....looking back, I think that the progress that you have made in a relatively short time...less than a year!!...is nothing short of remarkable.
We all have more courage and strength than we know....it is when we have no other options that it comes forth...
You have been a good example of that....
Go easy on yourself and praise yourself everyday (positive self-talk)....I think that is soo important.
Don't forget that you are still in the healing phase....
I expect that, by this time next year, you will be enjoying life more that you ever thought you could be....
We all have more courage and strength than we know....it is when we have no other options that it comes forth...
You have been a good example of that....
Go easy on yourself and praise yourself everyday (positive self-talk)....I think that is soo important.
Don't forget that you are still in the healing phase....
I expect that, by this time next year, you will be enjoying life more that you ever thought you could be....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's still hard to wrap your mind around having this wonderful incredible man love you, then question if it ever was even real! Realizing your life will never be the same again. And hope that I come out of all this being the same positive caring person I always have been.
You will be the same person you always were--actually, probably even MORE the same person in some ways, as you begin to remember things you loved, things you were good at, that have gone underground during the time you were wrapped up in living with an active A.
But you also won't be the same person, b/c you have walked thru the fire. You were not consumed by it, you were tempered by it instead, and now not only are you stronger, wiser and clearer, you KNOW that you are strong, wise and clear.
You'll have everything good that you started with plus all the things you learned out of the pain and sadness and anger.
Just for the heck of it, I looked up info about Zircon and its meaning. Among other things, I found this:
Since the Middle Ages, zircon has been believed to encourage spiritual growth and the promotion of wisdom. It is said that those who wear zircon will find beauty and peace.
I think you chose your name well, Zircon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
There will be days when you will question everything, the reality of every past moment, when you will feel heartbroken. But you will always be the same positive caring person. That person is still inside of you, and she will emerge again, once the toxicity of the addict leaves your system. Only, that "new" person will be stronger and wiser.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm a recovered alcoholic, and I confess I still don't quite understand why my second husband was unable to do what he needed to do to save his own life--forget about the marriage, for the moment. I've come to accept that there are some things I'll NEVER understand, and that's OK. I don't have to live with fear and uncertainty on a daily basis anymore.
And, if I DID understand--completely--what would it change for me? Nothing. The situation would still be what the situation was/is.
It will get better. Your new place sounds terrific (the old one--yikes!). Hope your shoulder heals quickly. I always think we feel a bit extra low when we aren't feeling great physically.
And, if I DID understand--completely--what would it change for me? Nothing. The situation would still be what the situation was/is.
It will get better. Your new place sounds terrific (the old one--yikes!). Hope your shoulder heals quickly. I always think we feel a bit extra low when we aren't feeling great physically.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Zircon I think you have made incredible progress!
Not too long ago you wrote a thread about how far you have come. Don't forget it!
Court dates, and negotiating a divorce is naturally going to bring up bad feelings. You will get through it - and some days will be much better than other.
Lots of hugs, sorry to hear about your injury. I certainly hope you have filed against the homeowners insurance policy as they rented you a dangerous property. They should have cleared all that off before you ever moved in. Its certainly worth inquiring about.
Not too long ago you wrote a thread about how far you have come. Don't forget it!
Court dates, and negotiating a divorce is naturally going to bring up bad feelings. You will get through it - and some days will be much better than other.
Lots of hugs, sorry to hear about your injury. I certainly hope you have filed against the homeowners insurance policy as they rented you a dangerous property. They should have cleared all that off before you ever moved in. Its certainly worth inquiring about.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I was going to suggest the same thing, in terms of a claim against the property owners, but you also have a lot on your plate already in terms of legal proceedings, etc. It really depends on how badly you need the money and whether you feel inclined to pursue it. If so, you might ask your divorce lawyer what s/he thinks. Your lawyer could probably run it by a colleague.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Very Thankful
Hi,
I so appreciate everyone's support, advice, and kind words.
Not sure what I'm going to do about how my land lords left the property I rented. I think I'll take Lexi's advice and consult my attorney.
I feel like I've come a very long way in the past 6 months, but also it seems time, hasn't stopped, but it's all running together. It's hard to even remember some days what it was like to live with my AH, yet he was my whole world for over 12 years.
Sometimes, it all feels like a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up. Then, I wake up and this is my life.
My life though, is a much better life, not financially, but emotionally. I am getting used to being alone, and liking it. I have my 2 puppies, who have been here for me. It's been hard on them, moving x2.
I think, as much as the next couple of months will focus on the divorce and separation and division of property, I'm more than ready for the closure that this will bring.
As much as I don't understand alcoholism, I do understand the devastation and destructive power it holds. I'm so ready to let this go, to start forgiving myself and start my new life.
I so appreciate everyone's support, advice, and kind words.
Not sure what I'm going to do about how my land lords left the property I rented. I think I'll take Lexi's advice and consult my attorney.
I feel like I've come a very long way in the past 6 months, but also it seems time, hasn't stopped, but it's all running together. It's hard to even remember some days what it was like to live with my AH, yet he was my whole world for over 12 years.
Sometimes, it all feels like a bad dream, and I'm going to wake up. Then, I wake up and this is my life.
My life though, is a much better life, not financially, but emotionally. I am getting used to being alone, and liking it. I have my 2 puppies, who have been here for me. It's been hard on them, moving x2.
I think, as much as the next couple of months will focus on the divorce and separation and division of property, I'm more than ready for the closure that this will bring.
As much as I don't understand alcoholism, I do understand the devastation and destructive power it holds. I'm so ready to let this go, to start forgiving myself and start my new life.
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