Darwinia

Recovery for me has been the small step and not the giant leap that Neil Armstrong referred to. Life is carrying on pretty much as before except I do not drink. I have the same job, family, friends, hobbies, sport, ups and downs and good and bad character traits (except drinking).

What I find interesting is my own perception of time spent with friends. I used to be the proverbial life and soul of every party, dinner, lunch, golf trip. I also used to be the laughing stock at the end of every such occasion. Despite that my friends seemed to overlook the drunken spectacle and stuck with me.

In sobriety now I find it easy to socialise with some and really cumbersome to do so with others. And it has nothing to do with whether the friends are hard drinkers, social drinkers or people who do not drink at all. With the alcoholic lubrication gone I now find that sadly I do want communication to be about interesting topics and to stimulate me to the extent that I want to be in that company. Now that I can no longer dull the mundane with a good dose of booze, the reality is that commonplace little chit chat about this and that is a skill I totally lack.

My sober tool kit now has pretending to be a good listener and disappearing as soon as politely possible in the bag.

*Very good novel by Kate Atkinson.

PurpleKnight

It definitly was something I had to learn to do, being in a group or with one other person and holding a conversation or joining in with the group chit chat without alcohol in my hand.

The realisation I found out was that we can't completely hide away from alcohol all the time, the family occasions, the weddings, the funerals, the christenings, the birthdays, Xmas, New Years etc etc, the world keeps turning no matter what's in the glass.

I think with every skill in life though, we can work on and improve at it, but it's also alright to not be as good at something as others, we all have our strengths!!

earlyriser

Wow - I could have written this word for word to describe where I was and where I'm at at almost 3 months sober, (except I don't golf!)

Thanks for sharing.

Fusion

Yes, I don't do small talk either. I find it tiresome, tedious, waste of space: unless I've imbibed that social lubricant, alcohol. Then I become the party animal, let loose, don't hold back. Ouch, painful memories.

Alcohol, causes me to suffer fools gladly. You're eons ahead of me in terms of sobriety days, but I know for sure, I'll feel just as you do shortly.

What to do about it? I really don't know. Avoid certain people, events, functions....this will be a hard path to walk. Rather, I'm looking forwards to speaking my mind (within reason -sometimes walking away is best) acting as my authentic self, instead of people pleasing. It will be a relief for me and sobriety will open that door.

MLD51

I do not have the time or energy to do "small talk" anymore either. I tend to try to avoid social gatherings that will be mostly about chit chat now. If I must go (some things are not easy to avoid) I make my appearance, and if I haven't found someone interesting to talk to pretty darn fast, I'm outta there. I used to be able to spend hours in mundane conversations with people I didn't really even like much, because I had booze and that was the most important thing.

Now I'd rather either be alone or with one or two people who I can have real conversations with, about things that matter. I get incredibly bored and annoyed with social blather.

Optimini

Wow, this is so on the money! Alcohol really makes boring people and conversations interesting, this is definitely part of the challenge when we get a little further into sobriety. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

tomsteve

awesome onversation, darwinia!
and oh how i can relate. sittin around talkin about the weather for an hour...not too fun any more.
neither is gossip.

bexxed

Yeah. This.

I know I need some new friends. I have the set of circumstances that my circles are all intellectual types who also drink a lot. So they don't talk about the weather for hours (god I would kind of like that lol) but they do repeat themselves when they are drunk and they talk a lot of smack about others, gossip, and drunkenly argue/discuss/pontificate "issues".

The other night I thought I avoided the drinking before a dinner. I did, but they had moved on to a drunken dinner. I should say I do actually really do like these people. Anyway I couldn't really participate in the conversation because I wasn't interrupting, talking over someone who tried to interrupt me, and when everyone started repeating themselves I felt no need to so was just quiet. And in doing so, it sort of felt like I chafed their high a little bit.

They were talking to hear themselves talk.

And that's what I did too. Ugh. The first day I came back here I said I don't like drunk me and that's what I saw the other night.

I want friends who like to do stuff and not just talk about it. And are sober.

Anna

I felt the same way, and, by choice, I socialize less now and try to involve the people I love in my life. It's so much more enjoyable that boring chit-chat with people you don't really like.

MLD51

I want friends who like to do stuff and not just talk about it. And are sober.

Me too! I live in a pretty small town. In Wisconsin. Where drinking is more than an occasional activity for almost everyone I know. Yes, there are sober people here, and I've tried, I'm just not finding new friends. I hang out with some of my old friends, who are great people, and I love them, but when they've had a few drinks they turn into what I used to be and it just makes me cringe.

fini

......I now find that sadly I do want communication to be about interesting topics and to stimulate me to the extent that I want to be in that company.

nothing sad about that, Darwinia.
in fact, it's awesomely healthy and a very good sign!