Leaflet

I went on a bender last night. I've quit drinking and remained sober for several years at a time, but I thought I could handle drinking again. Honestly, I have no control over it. I'm a binge drinker, but I've been binge drinking almost every day. I did so many things I regret last night. I feel so guilty. I feel angry that I can't drink like a normal person. I feel lucky that I didn't kill myself driving my car or doing something stupid. I'm just trying to start over today. I want to be someone that I am proud to be, and it scares me that I could lose everything to drinking. I know where drinking like this will take me and I'm afraid. Why can't I just be normal?!

Soberwolf

Hi Leaflet

August252015

Glad you're here.

Take care of yourself today.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR leaflet, I'm glad you are alive too. It doesn't seem "fair" I know that we cannot be "normal" drinkers. But if want people to be proud of us we have to accept that we are not able to drink normally, ever. Not even one sip.

You will find a lot of support and understanding here, especially in the different ways other have stayed sober. I hope you stay with us!

Anna

Once you stop drinking and begin to recover, you will stop feeling like you're missing something. I'm glad you made it through last night and I hope that this is the time you decide to stop drinking.

Linz805

I to was a binge drinker. You are not alone in feeling this way. I was so disappointed in my actions and in myself. I wanted to be proud of myself also. and the ONLY way I knew I could is if I stopped drinking. It sounds awesome you have stayed sober for years at a time so you can do it! Here is a reminder to get back to focusing on yourself and not drinking. It's a nice reminder to myself that we can't control consumption which when I feel good I tend to forget.

Leaflet

Thanks for the support everyone. It helps to know other people have experienced similar situations.

Elicia08

We're all pretty much in the same boat. Some of us got on and off at different ports, but it's the same boat in the end. Hang in there. One day at a time it will get better...

january161992

the first time in my life i really heard honesty was at an aa meeting

sounds like the 1st step

powerlessness and unmanageability

good stuff

Hevyn

Welcome Leaflet.

I was very resentful when I first realized I had to quit. It was the only way to stay safe - I did so many reckless things when drinking. I hesitated to give it up because I was sure nothing would ever be fun again. (Fear of missing out.) I began to love my new life & being freed from the trap. I wasted so many years trying to drink 'normally' - I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what drinking is doing to your life.

Winslow

Hi Leaflet

Endeavor

So, true.

LadyBlue0527

Hi Leaflet, I fought the truth too for years and was also a binge drinker.

The healing and the good life begins when you stop asking why you can't be normal. You just can't. None of us can. Sobriety and recovery are so much easier when you accept that fact. Until you do you'll lose mindfulness every time you quit and eventually go back.

You said that you quit for several years at a time. How was sober life for you, did you enjoy it? If so you know how very good it can be. You know you can do this.

You don't have to feel this way ever again but first, you have to stop asking questions that don't support your new outlook on life and decision to quit.

I'm glad that you came here.

LadyBlue0527

True for everyone on this board.

This is why you'll hear repeatedly on here about a recovery plan. The program of choice is up to you. Although the activities that we do daily to keep us mindful change over the course of time it should never end. As long as we are mindful we can overcome the forgetfulness.

I fully credit walking away from my recovery program and ending up in the mess I am in due to forgetfulness of what alcohol does to me and my lies to myself that it would be different this time. I now know that sure, it will be different this time, it will be worse.

This will never change.

Recovery is not a destination, it's a journey.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Leaflet!!

For me I wasted years trying to fight against what my "normal" was, and that was not being able to drink moderatly, the quicker I finally accepted my reality drew a line under my alcohol, the quicker my life turned around!!

MLD51

The sooner you get over feeling angry and sad that you can't be a normal drinker, the better. Once I really ACCEPTED that I could not control my drinking and that I would never be able to, I began to feel free. Trying to moderate was such hard work mentally - I could sometimes manage it for short periods of time, but then I'd go on a bender and end up just feeling like a big fat loser. Once I took alcohol off the table completely, it freed up my brain for working on other things in my life I wanted to change. It's amazing how much mental real estate I was giving up for booze. And killing plenty of brain cells in the process. I think so much more clearly now. You can do it. Realizing and truly accepting that you do not have control is the beginning of being able to give up the drinking. I bet you'll feel a sense of relief - I know I did.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Leaflet.
How's it going?
D

Leaflet

I'm still here, and things are going well. Someone asked how sobriety was for me during the years I was sober, and it was okay. I've had a lot of major life events happen, and a lot of physical pain to deal with. (I get really bad migraines.) So, sobriety was difficult because life was simply difficult. While drinking seemed like a good quick fix, the long-term repercussions make my depression, migraines and anxiety way more difficult to deal with. It makes the anxiety especially bad- I thought I was going to lose my mind after that bender last weekend. It's been four days since my night of drinking uncontrollably, and I think my head is just now getting back to a good, balanced place. I felt happiness this morning, and I hadn't felt that without alcohol in a while. So, things are looking up.

PurpleKnight

Fantastic Leaflet, great job on Day 4!!

Julia8

I used to go around at the grocery store, or wherever, and look at the other people and wish I just could be NORMAL like them. I'm on day 11 and feeling more "normal" than I have in a long time. Best wishes, Leaflet.