Finally ... I Think I Am Getting Closure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Finally ... I Think I Am Getting Closure
A year ago today my RAF brought me home from our week's vacation together. I haven't seen him since. It was not a fun vacation. He made it miserable for me.
We are not friends anymore. Eight months ago I thought we would be again, but I'm finally beginning to not only realize we probably won't be, but I'm also realizing I don't WANT us to be.
I have unfriended several "friends" recently. Not on FB, in real life. I have realized they are not really friends, never have really been, and I don't want to keep thinking they are. One of them says I shouldn't have such high expectations of my friends but I don't think I do. Guess we just define "friend" differently.
I used to think that if this guy came back I would welcome him with open arms. Now I don't think I would even let him in the door. Maybe if he got down on his knees and begged my forgiveness and apologized and told me he was wrong to treat me so badly, and that he had had a change of heart and attitude and really missed me and would try to behave in a way that deserved my friendship, but maybe that wouldn't help his cause.
I am very, very lonely these days but not so much because I miss him anymore. I do miss my other "friends," but not the way they have treated me. I "know" it is better to be alone than have bad friends, but it's hard to actually believe it.
But I can learn.
We are not friends anymore. Eight months ago I thought we would be again, but I'm finally beginning to not only realize we probably won't be, but I'm also realizing I don't WANT us to be.
I have unfriended several "friends" recently. Not on FB, in real life. I have realized they are not really friends, never have really been, and I don't want to keep thinking they are. One of them says I shouldn't have such high expectations of my friends but I don't think I do. Guess we just define "friend" differently.
I used to think that if this guy came back I would welcome him with open arms. Now I don't think I would even let him in the door. Maybe if he got down on his knees and begged my forgiveness and apologized and told me he was wrong to treat me so badly, and that he had had a change of heart and attitude and really missed me and would try to behave in a way that deserved my friendship, but maybe that wouldn't help his cause.
I am very, very lonely these days but not so much because I miss him anymore. I do miss my other "friends," but not the way they have treated me. I "know" it is better to be alone than have bad friends, but it's hard to actually believe it.
But I can learn.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Firesong, in life we change friends and find new ones as our circumstances change.
I have a lifelong (over 60 years) friend that I grew up with and another that has been my friend more than 30 years. Other than that I have had many friends come and go, mostly because I moved or changed jobs or had a life change that, even when the friendships are healthy, meant growing apart and distant.
And I have friendships where I was always the one doing all the work. I made the calls, I visited them, I sent the cards and letters and in return didn't get any reciprocation.
My point is that as we change, our friendships change, this will continue through our lifetimes.
It's okay to mentally defriend those who have hurt you or simply didn't "friend" back.
Making new friends can be the challenge. There is a saying "To get a friend, be a friend" and I think that is true.
Good healthy places to meet new friends would include interest groups or hobby groups, meetings (if you go to them), church (if you have one), or maybe at a special event. Neighbours can be friends too.
If you take good care of yourself and push yourself to meet and mingle at various events like what I named above, you may find that you "connect" with one or two people that you like and that you may begin a new friendship with.
Good luck with all this.
Hugs
I have a lifelong (over 60 years) friend that I grew up with and another that has been my friend more than 30 years. Other than that I have had many friends come and go, mostly because I moved or changed jobs or had a life change that, even when the friendships are healthy, meant growing apart and distant.
And I have friendships where I was always the one doing all the work. I made the calls, I visited them, I sent the cards and letters and in return didn't get any reciprocation.
My point is that as we change, our friendships change, this will continue through our lifetimes.
It's okay to mentally defriend those who have hurt you or simply didn't "friend" back.
Making new friends can be the challenge. There is a saying "To get a friend, be a friend" and I think that is true.
Good healthy places to meet new friends would include interest groups or hobby groups, meetings (if you go to them), church (if you have one), or maybe at a special event. Neighbours can be friends too.
If you take good care of yourself and push yourself to meet and mingle at various events like what I named above, you may find that you "connect" with one or two people that you like and that you may begin a new friendship with.
Good luck with all this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Firesong ... sometimes the saddest things end up being good for us. Lessons are limitless. I went thru letting two of my lifelong best friends ... go. We still chat or text but it will never be the bonded relationship that we have always had. A little of it was all in my head. So we have space and I lost trust. I will always be there for them but I do not feel that same after each did the same thing.
You are growing and it seems that you are finding your way.
I wish you strength and peace as you continue to walk thru this. It's painful and so very difficult.
Hugs to you
Joie
You are growing and it seems that you are finding your way.
I wish you strength and peace as you continue to walk thru this. It's painful and so very difficult.
Hugs to you
Joie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
You are growing and it seems that you are finding your way.
I wish you strength and peace as you continue to walk thru this. It's painful and so very difficult.
Hugs to you
Joie
I wish you strength and peace as you continue to walk thru this. It's painful and so very difficult.
Hugs to you
Joie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 213
Just to clarify something ...
What some people call "friends," I call "acquaintances." These are people you associate with, are brought together with because of a common interest (maybe volunteering!), or work, or living next door, or some shared activity. You talk, you hang out for the course of the activity, maybe you go out to eat together sometimes or to a movie or something.
Then there are friends. These are people you hang out with if you live near each other, but if you don't live near each other you talk on the phone, exchange real letters and cards, maybe buy each other presents if you can afford to. You talk about anything and everything. You not only go out to eat and to movies, you watch TV in each other's homes and eat in each other's homes. You know each other's families (if you have families). You have each other's backs, you can trust each other with your lives (not that you may ever be in that sort of situation), you keep each other's confidences.
Those are the kinds of friends I have had, or thought I had. Losing an acquaintance is painful, but losing a friend is losing a part of yourself. If they die they leave a HUGE chasm, you are literally gutted. If they move away, or you do, same thing, although you can still talk and write to each other. But if they walk out on you (and WHY?????), that not only leaves a huge chasm in you, it fills up that chasm with poison because they have wounded you. The friend who had your back has turned their back on you. The friend you could trust with your life has walked out of your life. You have not merely lost the friend and the friendship, you have gained a wound.
What some people call "friends," I call "acquaintances." These are people you associate with, are brought together with because of a common interest (maybe volunteering!), or work, or living next door, or some shared activity. You talk, you hang out for the course of the activity, maybe you go out to eat together sometimes or to a movie or something.
Then there are friends. These are people you hang out with if you live near each other, but if you don't live near each other you talk on the phone, exchange real letters and cards, maybe buy each other presents if you can afford to. You talk about anything and everything. You not only go out to eat and to movies, you watch TV in each other's homes and eat in each other's homes. You know each other's families (if you have families). You have each other's backs, you can trust each other with your lives (not that you may ever be in that sort of situation), you keep each other's confidences.
Those are the kinds of friends I have had, or thought I had. Losing an acquaintance is painful, but losing a friend is losing a part of yourself. If they die they leave a HUGE chasm, you are literally gutted. If they move away, or you do, same thing, although you can still talk and write to each other. But if they walk out on you (and WHY?????), that not only leaves a huge chasm in you, it fills up that chasm with poison because they have wounded you. The friend who had your back has turned their back on you. The friend you could trust with your life has walked out of your life. You have not merely lost the friend and the friendship, you have gained a wound.
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