Saying Goodbye to People
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Saying Goodbye to People
Hi everyone,
I just had an ah ha moment. I feel like I have a super hard time saying bye to people or things that I don't feel like I am ready to say goodbye to. I even remember the last day of Jr High this struck me as painful. In my Jr High we had a very close nit group of friends and I remember thinking as I said bye to them that I knew somehow going to high school was going to change everything. I was sad for this change and I felt really out of control of my environment. After Jr. High I ended up feeling like I didn't belong in high school. My parents got divorced right before Jr High and I was forced to move 45 mins away from my elementary school... ( I didn't want to leave but my parents wanted my sister and I to stay in the same house ) and so my mom got custody during the school days... After feeling out of control and having to leave my Elementary and than having to leave my Jr High I think I started to spiral... In a sense ... I am not sure if this all makes sense but I am starting to just observe and notice things about myself so that I can work on them. I am 34 now and the one thing I have wanted most in life is a family to come home to. Yet I have been wildly successful in my career and men seemingly always find me attractive physically ( I feel lucky with this)..but the truth is that I still feel this void or like something is wrong with me that I haven't been married and I don't have children... Like I never quit made the cut or something.... I know despite what people see on the outside my self worth is low. I feel like I am always hustling for my worthiness... My exAB for example is an active A... and now lives in his buddies garage and lost custody of his children twice ( and in my opinion didn't find hard to keep them ) and I STILL deep down feel like he is better than me... anyway I know I am rambling I guess I am just getting it all out there
I just had an ah ha moment. I feel like I have a super hard time saying bye to people or things that I don't feel like I am ready to say goodbye to. I even remember the last day of Jr High this struck me as painful. In my Jr High we had a very close nit group of friends and I remember thinking as I said bye to them that I knew somehow going to high school was going to change everything. I was sad for this change and I felt really out of control of my environment. After Jr. High I ended up feeling like I didn't belong in high school. My parents got divorced right before Jr High and I was forced to move 45 mins away from my elementary school... ( I didn't want to leave but my parents wanted my sister and I to stay in the same house ) and so my mom got custody during the school days... After feeling out of control and having to leave my Elementary and than having to leave my Jr High I think I started to spiral... In a sense ... I am not sure if this all makes sense but I am starting to just observe and notice things about myself so that I can work on them. I am 34 now and the one thing I have wanted most in life is a family to come home to. Yet I have been wildly successful in my career and men seemingly always find me attractive physically ( I feel lucky with this)..but the truth is that I still feel this void or like something is wrong with me that I haven't been married and I don't have children... Like I never quit made the cut or something.... I know despite what people see on the outside my self worth is low. I feel like I am always hustling for my worthiness... My exAB for example is an active A... and now lives in his buddies garage and lost custody of his children twice ( and in my opinion didn't find hard to keep them ) and I STILL deep down feel like he is better than me... anyway I know I am rambling I guess I am just getting it all out there
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
These are good realizations, Kaya -- as painful as they may be. It wasn't until I admitted that I needed to learn to love and respect myself FIRST that I could begin the process of letting go of those old notions about myself. You're doing great.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're certainly not alone in those feelings. I, too, have a very hard time "saying goodbye."
When I was four days sober, I had a sewer backup that COMPLETELY flooded my basement--destroying things like treasured childhood belongings (girl scout badge sash; favorite stuffed animal) and my late mom's wedding dress.
I knew I could never save them, so I took photos of them to remember them, and sadly but finally put them out in the trash.
I'm sorry they are gone, but the world didn't end. And I think the experience made me better able to cope with loss.
When I was four days sober, I had a sewer backup that COMPLETELY flooded my basement--destroying things like treasured childhood belongings (girl scout badge sash; favorite stuffed animal) and my late mom's wedding dress.
I knew I could never save them, so I took photos of them to remember them, and sadly but finally put them out in the trash.
I'm sorry they are gone, but the world didn't end. And I think the experience made me better able to cope with loss.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
All great realizations Kaya.
Nothing is cut and dry but I think some of the personality traits you list above are common among those of us here.
Saying goodbye to things is hard, and should be for most people that have emotions, though I think F&F (and codependents, whether you and I fit that bill) have an extra hard time because we attach hard, we love hard, we are super duper commitment freaks, not quitters, and hate change. So leaving your school mates, a home you have lived in for years, heck even trading in that beater car you drove for 10 years (just an example of course), all of that , we FEEL it more than some others do. I think it just, to borrow the phrase, comes with the territory.
As far as the need to nest, have a family, all that stuff - Also natural but I think more just a natural tendency of humans. We all have that idealization of where we'd like to see ourselves in 5 years, 10 years, etc. When I was a kid I looked ahead to the white picket fence mentality just like I grew up in - Kids, wife, house, etc. I got some, not all. And the funny thing is, as I aged, I realized having kids was something I could take or leave. If you asked 10 year ago me, my answer may have been different. I was willing to start a family to further my idealization of what I wanted life to be. As I got older, I realized the most important thing was that I wanted to be happy and content with myself.
Especially given the summer I have had, where I have finally had to face being alone again, for the first time in a long time, and what that meant, it has meant self-reflection, which I think you are wise to be doing...But I hope you come out of it realizing that there are a lot of paths you can take in life and still end up a champ at the finish line.
Nothing is cut and dry but I think some of the personality traits you list above are common among those of us here.
Saying goodbye to things is hard, and should be for most people that have emotions, though I think F&F (and codependents, whether you and I fit that bill) have an extra hard time because we attach hard, we love hard, we are super duper commitment freaks, not quitters, and hate change. So leaving your school mates, a home you have lived in for years, heck even trading in that beater car you drove for 10 years (just an example of course), all of that , we FEEL it more than some others do. I think it just, to borrow the phrase, comes with the territory.
As far as the need to nest, have a family, all that stuff - Also natural but I think more just a natural tendency of humans. We all have that idealization of where we'd like to see ourselves in 5 years, 10 years, etc. When I was a kid I looked ahead to the white picket fence mentality just like I grew up in - Kids, wife, house, etc. I got some, not all. And the funny thing is, as I aged, I realized having kids was something I could take or leave. If you asked 10 year ago me, my answer may have been different. I was willing to start a family to further my idealization of what I wanted life to be. As I got older, I realized the most important thing was that I wanted to be happy and content with myself.
Especially given the summer I have had, where I have finally had to face being alone again, for the first time in a long time, and what that meant, it has meant self-reflection, which I think you are wise to be doing...But I hope you come out of it realizing that there are a lot of paths you can take in life and still end up a champ at the finish line.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Well, just proving the truth of all the people who've told me I'm full of ****.
PROGRESS!!!
kaya, i can relate in a way. i didnt know it until i got sober(actually, i knew it, bug didnt know what it was) that i had low self esteem. i went quite a few years(while drinking) i didnt even date- i felt i wasnt worth love from a woman nor would a woman want to love me.
and i had a hard time being by myself- alone with just me and my thoughts. so, what would i do?
go to the bar and sit by myself in a corner booth.
after getting sober, i had to learn how to love myself,which didnt happen real quick- i got into a relationship 6 months into recovery with a super sick chronic relapser.
after i ended the relationship a friend told me something- something i had heard often before but it never got from my head to my heart:
"tom, youre only attracted to someone as sick as you and honestly? only women as sick as yourself are attracted to you."
OUCH!!!!! so much truth to that for me.
so i started REALLY working on me, but not enough. i still FELT i needed a women in my life to be completely,100% happy.
more work!!!
now here i sit today- NEVER married, single quite a few years, sittin on the deck in the backyard, by myself
and im happy,peaceful,serene, and content.
yeah, it would be nice to have a woman in my life to shars life with, but in all honesty?? i really like being single!
cept the part that the only person to blame for clothes not gettin folded and put away is me!
im pretty sure you can get to the point where you are happy,peaceful,serene, and content being by yourself( not alone, just by yourself),too.
loving myself is the greatest love i can ever receive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Hey LK, it sounds like you are doing some useful introspection.
I'm a bit like Tom, never married. I'm a depressive so I can't quite claim being "Happy, peaceful, serene and content" but I will say it has gotten better for me. At 34, I struggled quite a bit more with who I was. At 53, I'm much more accepting.
I don't know if it always gets better but staying away from addicts/drug-addicts and figuring out some of your own rooster-poop is a good way to head your life towards more serenity and peace. I sure can understand wanting a family specially at an age when many of your peers are already married or getting married. Please try to respect and listen to this desire but don't dance to it. That dance can lead you to a very unhappy situation.
I'm a bit like Tom, never married. I'm a depressive so I can't quite claim being "Happy, peaceful, serene and content" but I will say it has gotten better for me. At 34, I struggled quite a bit more with who I was. At 53, I'm much more accepting.
I don't know if it always gets better but staying away from addicts/drug-addicts and figuring out some of your own rooster-poop is a good way to head your life towards more serenity and peace. I sure can understand wanting a family specially at an age when many of your peers are already married or getting married. Please try to respect and listen to this desire but don't dance to it. That dance can lead you to a very unhappy situation.
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