Grace70

My husband and I are currently separated for about 4 weeks. He just called this morning to tell me he found a marriage counselor we could go to. I'm willing to go to counseling but I would prefer a Christian counselor. I'm not sure that this one is. I am a Christian, he is not. Because he's made this step I feel like I should meet him half way. He always insisted he would NEVER go to counseling. For those of you who are Christians, is it compromising on my part to not insist on a Christian counselor?

LexieCat

I don't know how you can properly insist on a counselor that subscribes to a belief system he doesn't share.

If your husband is still drinking, marriage counseling is a waste of time. He isn't in his right mind and until the drinking is dealt with, he isn't capable of being a real partner. If he's abusive, marriage counseling can be actually dangerous for you, as it gives him a platform and weapons he can use against you.

If you can't agree on a counselor because of this insistence on both of your parts that the counselor have a particular belief system, maybe it's time to just call it quits based on fundamental incompatibility.

Wisconsin

If your husband is an active alcoholic or drug addict, marriage counseling (Christian or otherwise) will basically do you zero good, with the possible exception of counseling with a certified addiction counselor. Active addicts are simply not capable of the kind of empathy and rationality needed for marriage counseling to be effective. Many, many of us here have tried it, and those of us whose partners were not interested in sobriety just found ourselves hopelessly frustrated because all of the toxic dynamics in the marriage just continue to play out in the counselor's office: blame-shifting, refusal to take responsibility for anything, gaslighting, etc.

Grace70

Thanks for your responses. I was concerned about the marriage counseling too. This particular counselor specializes in substance abuse so I was hoping it would be brought to his attention through that. I have never been through any counseling and I'm not sure how it works. I just looked at it as him being willing to take a step. Should I not try that?

CentralOhioDad

AW and I tried MC several years ago - it bombed because she didn't want to talk about her drinking because she didn't have a problem with it! She was soooo closed-minded on the whole thing.

I think as long as the counselor is certified for addiction, that's more important than their religious affiliations, and I'm a strong Christian.

Wisconsin

A counselor can "specialize" in substance abuse, but if he/she isn't appropriately certified he/she may still not have the experience and training needed to recognize the unique ridiculousness that is often involved in addict behavior.

Time with a certified addiction counselor is certain better than time with a typical marriage counselor, but if your husband is still deep in his disease with no desire for sobriety, it will still be a waste of time, and as Lexie pointed out, can put you at risk if he is abusive (verbally, emotionally, and/or physically). My STBXAH *still* trots out crap from our own half dozen sessions with a certified addiction counselor and attempts to use them as emotional weapons against me from time to time, and we went to counseling almost 2 years ago.

If your husband steadfastly refuses to acknowledge his problem, going to an addiction counselor very likely will not make any difference. Counseling tends to help AFTER someone has acknowledged a problem.

atalose

Diversion and deflection is what you call the step he is taking. The real first step he needs to take is STEP 1 – admit he is powerless over alcohol and that his life has become unmanageable.

Instead he wants to couple you and the marriage as the problem, not his drinking.

It’s like that con of bait and switch.

schnappi99

My wife and I also had no progress with an addictions/marriage counselor- we went for years. He knew full well that there was an alcohol issue between us but the question was off the table. I was so frustrated and resentful that the work wasn't penetrating my head in any case. The break finally came when the alcohol & prescription abuse was dramatically revealed, the mc urged me to go to Alanon, my wife to IOP and that was the beginning of progress. It took me 6 months or so for the alanon work to begin adjusting my attitude, she has not gone on to other recovery work since IOP and some time with Women for Sobriety but AFAIK she is not drinking. I hope for emotional/physical reconnection in future, but regardless the alanon work is the way forward for me... I don't want to act the old way any more and things are a lot more peaceful now.

AnvilheadII

i think ONE session might be "interesting" to see what gets said and what doesn't not- but as others have said, unless and until he sobers up, counseling is not going to have the desired effect of helping to repair the damage done BY his drinking.

lizatola

I've done it all. Christian counselors, harm reduction therapists, marriage and family counseling, etc. My XAH was always drinking and always wanted to blame someone else or ME for his problems.

I'm sorry to say that if he's active in his disease, marriage counseling is probably a waste of time and money. And, in my own case, my XAH used the Christian counselor thinking it would guilt me into staying because of my Christian beliefs. He pointed out all my sinful behavior to the pastor and expected that he'd get out of there without accountability for his own actions. When things didn't go his way, he bailed on counseling right away and made told me it was my fault for making him go to Christian counseling saying, "Well that guy was obviously a junior pastor and didn't have experience dealing with the issues we're having." Yes, dear, that was the real reason. Could it have been that YOU'RE STILL DRINKING? DUH.

As an aside here, I've been divorced and apart from my XAH for nearly 20 months now. He's still the same.

breath

Everything you do with an active alcoholic is (in my opinion) a waste of time. Speaking from my experience as a 5 year sober exhusband we're pretty worthless untill we get sober and participate in recovery; and we won't do that until WE are good and ready, no matter what it costs us(marriage, job...) or what others tell us.
Until then I strongly encourage and endorse going to Alanon, go to several, different meetings, there you should receive the support, advice & love you need to get through this, regardless of what "this" turns out to be.

When it comes to Alcoholism/Addiction in Alan on we use the "three C's"
We didn't Cause it
We can't Control it
We can't Cure it

Mountainmanbob

For a Christian your thoughts are on the mark.
But, possibly you could do both secular and Christian counseling ?
Not sure if this would cause conflict ?
If it does as you know, we always go Bible first.
God has all of the answers in that Book.

I'm sure that you pray for your husbands salvation.
Many a husband have been sanctified by their wives,
That is explained in the Bible but, I'm not exactly sure how that works ?
He is sitting in a better position so as to be called thanks to you being his wife.
Although he may not realize it ?
The Holy Spirit is in charge of all that.
So, we keep praying without ceasing.

M-Bob

FeelingGreat

As a non-believer I feel that he would be suspicious of a Christian counsellor. I may be wrong, but a CC would probably be coming from a faith perspective, which would exclude your husband as he would be unable to join in.
I don't know where that leaves you?

Berrybean

Is he still active in his addiction or sober and working a program of recovery?
I agree with others that if he's still active, there is nothing to be gained from any kind of counselling, as he will still be incapable of the self-honesty that it calls for.

I am Christian and my partner is not. I suspect that a Christian counsellor wouldn't get through to my partner. And to be honest, most people with good morals have the same understanding of what is and is not acceptable within a marriage. Yiu can always discuss things with a spiritual leader at your church afterwards for support and clarity if you feel the need. The thing is, it's his addiction that is causing the issues, so it makes sense to go to someone with an understanding of this area. Just because the counsellor knows about addictions, doesn't mean he's going to side with the addict. Would you feel better if you had found the counsellor?

HoldOnLoosely

Hi Grace -

I want to echo everyone else's responses - I think it's wise to hold off on marriage counseling until he's decided to stop drinking too. It's probably even wise to hold off on marriage counseling until he's well into his own recovery and working on his deep rooted issues. It'll give both of you time to work on yourselves...and then come together from a more strengthened place to work on your marriage.

A year+ ago, my husband and I did marriage counseling...only 3 months into his recovery. We didn't go too far with marriage counseling (...we separated 4 months ago). Looking back, we needed more time to heal and understand ourselves 1st. I think it would have made the marriage counseling more meaningful and productive had we waited. I would have been more solid with myself to better understand everything, not taken things personally and not internalize some of his narrative.

Thumper

We met with a counselor that specialized in addiction issues. She was selected by my husband. It was helpful but she also said that she would not continue couples counseling until he was in a program of recovery. Couples counseling means each person is willing and able to put the relationship at the top of their priority list. Alcoholics can't do that. Alcohol is in their head and they follow that voice before any other and it goes in the opposite direction.

I did learn a lot the few sessions we went to and I continued to see her on my own.

I personally think that a counselor's knowledge of addiction issues is the most important thing.

SoloMio

I absolutely agree that if he's drinking, do NOT get counseling. When AH relapsed, he started going to a "counselor" (i.e., someone who supported his drinking!! she was really a yoga instructor who agreed with him that I was "controlling" him and he should be able to have wine with his steak.) She was absolutely unable to see through him.

Then he agreed to go to a marriage counselor, and I was going to my own therapist at the time. I let him choose the counselor for the same reason--if I had buy-in from him, what could be the harm. The harm was that the marriage counselor was untrained in alcoholism. He worked his wiles with her and brought her flowers every week, which she enthusiastically accepted. My therapist said that his doing that was totally inappropriate--he was "bribing" her emotionally, and she took the bait.

Not all counselors are created equal, and I really believe that when alcohol is part of the problem, the counselor must be fully armed and experienced to deal with it.

iSPAZ

In my experience any type of marriage counseling with an actively drinking alcoholic is a waste of time, money and emotional energy. They are incapable of honesty or addressing the actual facts. Just a bunch of smoke, mirrors, deflection, gaslighting and manipulation. Fortunately our Christian marriage counselor who sent me to Al-Anon was a recovered alcoholic himself. He said it was a waste of time unless she had been sober and in recovery a year or more. He said he would not even speak to her until she came to me with her sponsor of a year or more to discuss the damage she had done to our family. I simply was not strong enough at the time to enforce such a boundary. The ex was not willing to be sober a single day less little a year. Been divorced since 2012 and she continues her path of destruction. Fortunately I have been able to remove myself from her path and get off the Merry Go Round!!

Nata1980

I'd say any counseling before 1 year of sobriety is pretty pointless.

Active or newly sober addicts are not "real persons" and, therefore, will not be capable of empathy and understanding that is required.

I 100% agree that it is deflection technique - my soon-to-be ex demanded we go to marriage counseling after all of his relapses.

Mountainmanbob

Interesting, when I had run a muck with the liquid devil and ended up in jail my wife set us up with Christian couseling on my release with less than one week sober. I have never had and drink since that jail visit and couseling. Almost 9 years ago.

God can and will work wonders
if both are willing to accept the gift.

Mountainman