leem03

From ASpouse I replied to this in ASpouse's thread, but thought it could use some discussion on it's own....at least in my case.

I wonder when people start to give up hope. I know there are people on here who have left spouses due to many reasons with chemical dependancies. So when is it truly that you gave up hope. I mean I think at some point when you are definitely frustrated enough with your own insanity, you must make yourself give up hope. Because for me, that is the only thing that is still keeping me in my screwed up marriage. Hope that he will get the help he knows he needs. Hope that he will realize what he is doing to himself & his family to make the help a necessity. But somewhere down the road, I have to believe that this life is going to be too much for me. That the only way I will be able to leave him is to give up on all hope. Because right now, whatever little shread of hope I have is what continues to keep me hanging on. I guess I could rationalize and say I could still leave the situation knowing it isn't good for me and still hope for him to get well. But the reality of it is, at least in my case, if I have any hope for better, I'm somehow content living in the mostly unhappy world I have with my husband.

Does this make any sense?

Peaches04

Hi leem...and yes, unfortunately it makes perfect sense to me - I'm in the same boat, but looking for a life raft! My AH has just started a 30 days 'test' to see if he can not drink, so this is my hope - hopefully it will be my last. I wouldn't say that I have given up hope, because everytime I think I have - I manage to find that one signal (haha) that I hang on to. I asked him to leave is the only reason for the 30 day trial. I think what finally brought me to do it (well, the catalyst was that I caught him smoking pot in the garage) - but , really more than that is that I had moved on to the step in my recovery where I started thinking about what I want in my one and only life. I realized all the things I wanted and that these are things I wont get while he is actively drinking. I realized I had to decide how much of my life I was willing to give up for 'hope', and that it is not much longer. I'm going to see how this 30 days goes, and ultimately I've given myself until the end of the year to evaluate all other things. I'm not sure how much of the behavior is alchohol related and how much is just him or how much we've grown apart. But, gosh - had I not found this sight and read the literature on codependency, I think I could have 'hoped' my life away! My heart goes out to you and everyone here...this is such a struggle with no easy answers - I pray they get easier...

JessicaNAJ

It makes perfect sense. Even after I asked my AH to move out, I still have a little bit of hope. I think that is because we all have an idea and a dream of how we want our lives to turn out and we believed that could happen with our spouse. Everytime, we start to give up hope, the AH "talks" us back into the thoughts "well maybe things will get better."

I believe that it is important, and very hard, to look outside the box and decide what is best for us and then take care of us. Only then can we live in a "happy world".

ASpouse

I meant to say that the hope and faith is for me ....... not for him. For me to be guided to do the right thing and I have faith that I will be. I am forever hopeful that today I will live just for today, just for me, being the best I can be always. I used to "hope" that my AH would see the light someday, but all the hoping in the world never did until he was ready to see it.

I had hope and faith that I would be guided to do the right thing for myself and my children. Believe me, not everyday was great ....... as a matter of fact not many days were great and rosy.

There was a conversation not too long ago hear posted by Gracey about Hope and Expectations.

Judy
(Still trying to live One Day at a Time)

Gracey

I have hope that my husband gets better.......but it is no longer hoping that he gets better for me........or for us......I hope he gets better for him.....but he has to want to get better.....there is always hope that anyone can change.....but I am no longer going to put my hope in us or him.....I am going to concentrate on changing what I can change......

I have alot of hope for me to get better......because I can control my actions, I can change my choices......and I am going to change my reactions.....and while practicing this I am getting stonger......I have a long, long way to go.......but I am going to keep my hope for me.......and maybe in time with me working on my recovery, he may see this.......and he may change to......but if he dont I have to either accept what I have been dealt and do the best that I can with it.......or understand that I have choices and when ready (which may not be for a long time) make different choices.........for example......okay this is the way he is.......and this is the way I am.........it is okay for him to be him.......and it is okay for me to be me......and not worry or let everything he does effect me.......and just be me.....for me.........change focus.....

I hope this makes some sense to someone else other then me..........I have had alot of thoughts and sometimes they just get all jumbled up..........

best

I don't think a loving caring person ever gives up hope.
I think they just refocus their hope in another direction some times.
I want him or her to get better remains the hope even if they part ways.
Still even if they don't part... Nar Anon and Al Anon have the steps that allow us to refocus that hope where it will do the most good.
For some... hope and prayers are all we have to hold onto. They are the two things we can carry with us all the time.
Can refocus that hope but I don't think we will ever give it up.

bikewench

Leem...

If a woman is focused on her own life... then the others stop being an issue...

The thing is... the way we focus on others is so insidious that it's hard to pinpoint.. let alone change...

I've been trying to watch the thoughts I have lately... and so many of them are around other people. Not only that... but I see that I try to predict and control the future by trying to anticipate any problems that could arise and do pre-damage control....

Of course... in order to do this... I have to watch the people that are important to me closely...

ka-ray-zy making...

To try to help myself determine undermining behaviors... I have outlined three courses of action to take when I am unsure of my motives or when my moods are so outrageous that I don't know if I'm coming or going....

Be kind..

Work steadily...

and pray to my HP.

ASpouse

This is one of my biggest issues ..... always has been and always will be I think. It's tough sometimes, but your solutions to this problem are exactly what I do ..... staying busy for me works wonders and staying on a steady course.

skyleh

I am leaving....
I lost my hope for US....
but I still have a great deal of HOPE for HIM....
I lost my hope for us when I found that other women were coming into the picture...physically..not just emotionally.
I tried...but I felt myself go out of control...panic...not being able to do my job...not being able to keep up with my second masters classes...not being able to care for my child...not being able to focus on ANYTHING but what he was doing and who he was with.

I had not been caring for myself for quite sometime...but I always took care of my son...but even that was faultering....

I knew I had to pull myself out of it....I knew I had to do something to help me...
I LOST ALL hope for us when I asked for a separation (long distance) so I could find my support network..and he said no...he did not want to wait to see IF I wanted to come back....I had stayed with him while he "worked" (ignored) his issues...but he was not willing to give me time...to heal and become whole again.

I still have a GREAT DEAL of HOPE for him...I love him...he has children who LOVE their father dearly....that need him to be well...I HOPE that someday he realizes he needs help...that he does have a problem..that he needs to get well for himself and his kids.

EVEN my recovery is more about my son than me...but I will take care of me...because without me being a whole and non-codependent person...my son does not have all the chances and positive influences that he needs...

Something I did not do before that I do now...is ask my HP for guidance and strength to be the person I am ment to be.

Good luck to all who suffer at the hands of the awful disease!!