LadyBlue0527

I know that in the end I will be relieved at doing the 4th step.

Every time I sit down to write I pray. I pray for guidance. There's not much I've held on to in life but I've tried to list every possible person and resentment I have.

Now, to share something that's far more personal than most of what I will post on this board, ever.

My mother was sick most of my life growing up. She died when I was 16 of ovarian cancer. During my young life my father could not take care of me when she was in the hospital when he was working. I was farmed out to various relatives, sometimes far from home. At many of these relatives I was molested. Starting at the age of 8.

Many of my resentments were towards my uncles for doing what they did to me. I have my cause and affects.

I am now finished and have begun turnarounds. My mind is having a hard time grasping that I am even considering where I was selfish, self seeking, or dishonest in any of this. In fact, I have had to stop and pray because of what this is bringing up for me.

Having a really hard time right now.

sugarbear1

I worked with my sponsor on this part during my 5th step. I couldn't do this part alone.

Andante

Maybe rephrase the question. Instead of asking yourself "Where was I selfish, self-seeking, dishonest?", ask instead, "How are my resentments toward my childhood abusers blocking me from establishing conscious contact with my Higher Power, and what can I do to remove that block?"

The answer, of course, lies in forgiveness.

Steely

Same for me LadyBlue.....sexual abuse as a child. I'm left with feelings of guilt and anger about something over which I had no control. And though I understand (intellectually) the folly in such thinking it still lingers.

I don't attend a 12 Step Programme but definitely need the support of my psychiatrist in learning to set myself free. It is extremely difficult I know, and my head and heart still pound. Thank goodness we no longer drink which only furthered the abuse. We shall overcome. My love to you.

Steely

We all have our own views, but I do not think we have to "forgive" our abusers to become whole and well. Why would I do that? Some things are not forgiveable.

I can understand "letting go" and "moving on", but I won't forgive. Just like I don't forgive Adolf Hitler. He's history.....and I'm getting better and stronger without the necessity for forgiveness. The abusers can take a long leap off a short pier.

sugarbear1

We forgive the sick because in many ways we are also suffering from our own ailments. Forgiveness helps us to move forward in life. We also don't need to hold onto being a victim anymore. Let it go....

Steely

As I said, I do not need forgiveness to move forward. At least that's been my experience. Let the abuser forgive themselves.

Steely

I am trying to express the idea that forgiveness is not necessarily the only way to go for good recovery. It is not written in stone.

For some people forgiveness may be necessary and I'm good with that, but it has not been my experience, and I definitely do not feel like a victim as a result. To the contrary.

Steely

I was only putting my view as an alternative LadyBlue. Whatever works for you is the way to go. I wish you well.

Delilah1

Hi LadyBlue,

I'm sorry for what you are struggling with emotionally right now. I hope you have a counselor to help you deal with what happened in the past.

I just want to send some love your way.

I am not in a 12 step program, but in terms of forgiveness toward your abusers, I understand Steely's viewpoint. I hope you are working with a counselor to help you work through this.

❤️ Delilah

LadyBlue0527

I'm grateful for this board and for all of you. I am working with a Big Book Step Study sponsor on the steps and will be discussing this with her too.

All of your responses were very helpful. I have been through counseling and even had attended a survivors group. I have forgiven because forgiveness is sometimes something you do for yourself so you can let go. Even still, I included these in my list of resentments because if I didn't my inventory would not be complete.

I think what got in my head was I sat there and asked the question "What was my part in this?" and it triggered something in me. I had no part in this. I was a child. I was not the one who made the decisions.

Every response here was helpful and I can't thank you all enough.

Through the steps I'm finding out that there is clearly some stuff I'm still holding onto and every response here gave me a perspective as to why.

Thank you all.

Steely

That was legendary LadyBlue. I love your spinning heart. Thank you.

sugarbear1

Sometimes a victim is a victim. The key is in not remaining a victim, forgiving, and letting it go.

fini

what helped me in the inventory with stuff from the way-back past when i was a child was to change the question from "what was my part in that" to "what is my part in the resentment today?"
i wasn't responsible for what happened to me back when i was a kid, but i did/do need to be response-ible for my response now.

tomsteve

forgiveness is about ME. without it, the sunlight of the spirit is shut off- it hurts only me while not bothering the other person one bit.

theres a great speaker tape online from Ed M on forgiveness and healing in recovery.
https://youtu.be/CmhjMyM8PyY

tomsteve

im glad your free of hatred,resentment, anger, and guilt however that came about

but youre in the12 step forum where forgiveness is quite detrimental the program.
it might be wise to share your ESH on the subject in the alcoholism forum.

Steely

Forgive me

mick3580

your sponsor is likely the best person to ask how to process these things using the method your sponsor is showing you. Sometimes I wasn't selfish, dishonest, self seeking or frightened in a situation but I have to look before, during, and after. I had a lot of justifiable resentments towards the aa fellowship. Dimes I could see how my defects caused the situation or the resentment itself sometimes I had to look at how holding on o the resentment made me justify a bunch of subsequent selfish, dishonest, self seeking and frightened behavior in the future this conduct of mine, I realized was driven by emotions that clouded my judgment and when I realized the behavior I was justifying, I felt awful about it and had a increased desire to not hang on to the resentment and that in itself helped me get free of it. However, this letting go of resentment is not something intellectual. It's also not something I can use willfulness to achieve. It was a spiritual result of doing the spiritual work. To some extent, I can justify holding on to any anger small or large c t
For some reason

mfanch

"Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and FRIGHTENED"? (BB pg67)

When I was neglected and abused, I was constantly afraid. Later, I used my victim cape as a form of justified anger that continued to block me from the grace of a higher power. When I looked at that, and the denial that I still used my past to remain a victim (instead of a survivor), the denial fell away and I saw my abusers as sick people who lacked tools. That gave me the ability to forgive them.

My sponsor told me that I would use my experience to benefit others and my abuse/neglect past has definitely helped when working with other women with the same.

Glad you are here.

Behappy1

Hi LB - I just wanted to say how proud of you I am! I don't have any words advice, but the thing that popped into my head when reading this is the saying "the only way to the other side is through it." You're not cutting corners, not going around it, or trying to take the easy way out in facing this. You're working on finally cutting the cords of the baggage you've been hauling around your whole life. You're working on putting that to rest. Dealing with this can only bring great things into your life and recovery.