Maudcat

My spouse and I moved back to our hometown area to help with aged parents. Both moms are in their nineties. My AB lives with my mother in a classic enmeshed and enabling relationship. I help my mom in various ways, grocery shopping, trips to doctors, fix what is needed around the house, etc. It has taken two years, but lately I have decided to limit my visits. Reason? I cannot watch the crazy train that is my mother's and brother's relationship. She has given him a safe place to drink, she gives him money, she obsesses over whether he has the foods he likes to eat in the house, she ignores that he doesn't bathe and that he is often incontinent when he is hammered. It's a sad, bad situation. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon, which helps. This is a boundary that I have set, but it doesn't feel good. It just feels sad.

AnvilheadII

that is sad.

but i'm also thinking, if i make to my NINETIES i hope i get to live my life as i see fit, and do what i want. i imagine its tough seeing her "care" more for your sibling, but maybe that is what she needs - at least she's not alone. while it isn't ideal, it is what it is.

you seem to have made the best choice possible for yourself....offer the care you can, as you are able, and live and let live.

AdelineRose

Boundaries can be difficult at first, but that doesn't mean that you didn't make the right decision for yourself. Your mother has the choice to help your brother or not help you brother, while it is a sad situation it is her choice. Just like you have the choice of setting a boundary she has the choice to live her life as she wants. Maybe caring for your brother makes her happy, sometimes we don't agree with other's decisions but we have to accept it and decide if you want to engage or not.

I know it can be painful, but take care of yourself- what you do is the only thing you can control.

Maudcat

You are both right. It is her choice. And I have to accept it as well as do what is right for me. It's a good thing to set boundaries. They just don't feel good when you are doing it. Thanks for your sharings.

AnvilheadII

nope, their like pushups....the on your toes and fingertip kind. but remember boundaries allow YOU freedom AND others....to be and do as you each must.

maia1234

MC,
Good for you for realizing that you do not want to participate in that dance. Sending hugs that you can stay out of the train wreck!!

Bekindalways

^^^^ Love this Anvil.

MC that does sound like a tough and good boundary. At 90, your mom probably isn't going to change and your brother has no need.

Take care of you.

SoloMio

I was witness to a strange symbiotic relationship with my MIL and BIL.. and it's true that they have their own dance that we can't control.

MIL was a serious binge drinker, but she was the responsible person--the enabler of her son, who never lifted a finger to do anything for himself and who lived with her until she died (he was in his 50s). We would talk to her about the money she was spending on him--she would deny herself all the time--saving pennies by bringing her own tea bags to restaurants, but she would let her son run up huge food bills on all kinds of ridiculous things. She would pay off his credit card bills, pay for his car, never ask him to contribute to property taxes, electric bills or phone bills.

We tried to tell her that she was doing him a disservice, but she didn't get it. I think the way she saw it was she was in essence paying him for his companionship. Of course now, she's gone, and he has since racked up high credit card debt and now has to sell his house because he never learned simple life skills.

As long as it's not impacting you, while it's hard to figure out, it's really between them.

Maudcat

Wow. That is so true, SoloMio. It's a strange tango my mom and sib have going. I appreciate your thoughts and, in an odd sort of way, I feel better. Thanks to all for your thoughts.