Dealing with drunk family members?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 630
Dealing with drunk family members?
How does everyone deal with family members who drink too much? I have one sister that only calls me when she is totally bombed....then it is all gushy stuff, laughing for no reason, repeats things over and over.....babbles on and on. I try to be tolerant because she is my sister, but I HATE these phone calls.
I generally don't answer and try to return the call during the day when she is sober...
She wants me to come and visit, she is out of state. Has been asking me to come over and over......I am running out of excuses....but don't think I could handle a long weekend of drunk babbling.....It doesn't make me want to drink, more like I need to escape.....
I am between 1.5 and 2 years sober, wondering if this will get easier with time? Will I become more tolerant.
Is this something I should work on? HOW???
I generally don't answer and try to return the call during the day when she is sober...
She wants me to come and visit, she is out of state. Has been asking me to come over and over......I am running out of excuses....but don't think I could handle a long weekend of drunk babbling.....It doesn't make me want to drink, more like I need to escape.....
I am between 1.5 and 2 years sober, wondering if this will get easier with time? Will I become more tolerant.
Is this something I should work on? HOW???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
I relate to this newpage ,I try to tolarate for so long then make some excuse like thats my son trying to get through , my suppers burning , my bath is getting cold , the dog needs out ( I don't have a dog ) . I don't forget that I was a gold medalist when it came to drunken phone calls , i'd call family members at all hours , I was a pest , a nuicence with a phone so I do try to not let it bother me too much when I know the other party is drunk and babbling although its not easy at times .
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
I vote....
Tell her when she is sober...to not call when she is drunk.
Tell her you dont want to be around her when she is drinking because, now that you are clean, hanging w a drunk stresses you out.
It is form of uneducated disrespect when a drunk calls you.
Some of my family are drunks. My sister drinks all day. Tequila in her morning coffee. She doesn't get hammered though. My other one is a binger. Gets hammered and then gets mean and loud.
They know I got clean and it really has changed our relationship. I love them a ton, but I need to stay clean for me and my family.
Tell her when she is sober...to not call when she is drunk.
Tell her you dont want to be around her when she is drinking because, now that you are clean, hanging w a drunk stresses you out.
It is form of uneducated disrespect when a drunk calls you.
Some of my family are drunks. My sister drinks all day. Tequila in her morning coffee. She doesn't get hammered though. My other one is a binger. Gets hammered and then gets mean and loud.
They know I got clean and it really has changed our relationship. I love them a ton, but I need to stay clean for me and my family.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 486
I had to do what D112y said: A very, very dear friend of mine calls when she gets off from work and I can tell she is getting drunker and drunker. She has been dealing with some heavy grief but the other day I just had to tell her, "I just CAN"T talk to you when you are intoxicated." She was very pissed, and didn't hear from her for a few days, but now she's calling at appropriate times.
As for family members, that's tough, as I was the big drinker of my family. But I would have to put some ground rules down.
And I, too, was guilty of drunken calls, so I try not to judge, but I just can't handle them. Matter of fact, I've apologized to many of the people I used to drunk dial. How embarrassing, and what a lack of respect for their time. It's so selfish.
As for family members, that's tough, as I was the big drinker of my family. But I would have to put some ground rules down.
And I, too, was guilty of drunken calls, so I try not to judge, but I just can't handle them. Matter of fact, I've apologized to many of the people I used to drunk dial. How embarrassing, and what a lack of respect for their time. It's so selfish.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 148
We are a very straight forward talking family, we say how it is and respect each other's opinions and complaints.
I would just say the truth, and if my relatives got upset, well then I would just tell them to get over it and come talk to me when the emotional fireworks die down.
I realise this approach may not work for alot of families, but it's how we keep each other in line.
I would just say the truth, and if my relatives got upset, well then I would just tell them to get over it and come talk to me when the emotional fireworks die down.
I realise this approach may not work for alot of families, but it's how we keep each other in line.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I agree with D122y. Just be honest, that's a big part of sobriety - not bowing to others when it is out of step with my own health and serenity.
There is a great section here, the Friends and Family section, and there are a lot of sticky threads at the top of that forum. Boundaries with others is a big part of healthy life.
Link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There is a great section here, the Friends and Family section, and there are a lot of sticky threads at the top of that forum. Boundaries with others is a big part of healthy life.
Link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I had the same problem, and at one or two years sober I was more tolerant than I am at 30 months. I'm better at setting boundaries.
Even when I was drinking I stopped answering her calls. Then she started texting and she has learned my phone is off from 9pm to 6am. She's usually embarrassed about late night texts and emails.
Visits are more problematic, and if she hadn't decided to control herself last visit I would have made a no alcohol in my house rule. The last couple of times she visited she drank moderately (at least until after I went to bed).
All I can say is I needed to set rules with my sister, and it helped. Now that I don't drink she doesn't want to visit as often cuz she thinks I'm no fun, but I have visited her and she behaved even then. Kind but firm. We're all like children.
Even when I was drinking I stopped answering her calls. Then she started texting and she has learned my phone is off from 9pm to 6am. She's usually embarrassed about late night texts and emails.
Visits are more problematic, and if she hadn't decided to control herself last visit I would have made a no alcohol in my house rule. The last couple of times she visited she drank moderately (at least until after I went to bed).
All I can say is I needed to set rules with my sister, and it helped. Now that I don't drink she doesn't want to visit as often cuz she thinks I'm no fun, but I have visited her and she behaved even then. Kind but firm. We're all like children.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 630
Thank you all for the great advice. Funny how so many of us have been through the same things! 
I am thinking the best idea is to be honest and come right out and say what is on my mind. I don't want to hurt her feelings though....
She knows that I am sober now and I think that is disappointing to her because I am not as much "fun" as I used to be....
She always asks "you are still not drinking, right", as if hoping I say that I am back to drinking....the disappointment is very noticeable when she hears "still sober"....
She is the last of my "drinking buddies". We had many late nights drinking countless beers and drowning sorrows.
That chapter is over. On to a new chapter!!!
I am thinking the best idea is to be honest and come right out and say what is on my mind. I don't want to hurt her feelings though....
She knows that I am sober now and I think that is disappointing to her because I am not as much "fun" as I used to be....
She always asks "you are still not drinking, right", as if hoping I say that I am back to drinking....the disappointment is very noticeable when she hears "still sober"....She is the last of my "drinking buddies". We had many late nights drinking countless beers and drowning sorrows.
That chapter is over. On to a new chapter!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 630
Originally Posted by Soberwolf 
Let us know how it goes NewPage 
This sister has been the hardest part of my recovery so far.......she and I were very close.
Last year around the Holidays she announced she was coming to visit me. She would stay a week.
That brought out a lot of FEAR, that I would be unable to cope and stay sober. I came to the forum for help, and followed some very good advice. Told her I would love to see her, but this is now a DRY house. She told me she didn't HAVE to drink, so would respect my house rules....
A few days later she came up with an excuse to cancel the visit.
FEAR gone....
Life goes on, the journey continues....things change....
Nowadays I am very comfortable with non-drinking family and friends that I avoided like the plague when I was drinking......
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I am a firm believer of setting boundaries. If it were me I would be honest with my sister of my concerns, feelings, and what you will and will not accept. Making up excuses not to see her does not solve the problem, telling her that you will no longer accept drunk phone calls and that if she wants you to visit then it needs to be a sober visit. This way you are being honest about your feelings and she can decide what she wants to do from there. She can either accept your boundaries or ignore them, do what is best for you.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
"You are still not drinking, right?"
I get this a LOT, especially from family and old drinking buddies. They want me to drink with them, but if they are comfortable they learn that I'll hang and play music and be just as much fun as before (although I won't stay up late without good reason, like live music or a jam worth my participation). Talking nonsense 'til the wee hours with drunks just doesn't have much appeal, though, even with (sometimes especially with) those I love.
I get this a LOT, especially from family and old drinking buddies. They want me to drink with them, but if they are comfortable they learn that I'll hang and play music and be just as much fun as before (although I won't stay up late without good reason, like live music or a jam worth my participation). Talking nonsense 'til the wee hours with drunks just doesn't have much appeal, though, even with (sometimes especially with) those I love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 630
Talking nonsense 'til the wee hours with drunks just doesn't have much appeal, though, even with (sometimes especially with) those I love.[/QUOTE]
Zero, that is absolutely IT!!!
I have found that I LOVE waking up early in the morning, feeling great.
It is not worth it to stay up late, drinking or not, and sleep in, missing the good part of the day!
Not to mention that my young dogs don't LET me sleep in, so staying up late ruins the whole day!
AND I have found that since becoming sober, saying something ONE TIME is enough....don't need to repeat and rehash over and over and over!!!
Zero, that is absolutely IT!!!
I have found that I LOVE waking up early in the morning, feeling great.
It is not worth it to stay up late, drinking or not, and sleep in, missing the good part of the day!
Not to mention that my young dogs don't LET me sleep in, so staying up late ruins the whole day!
AND I have found that since becoming sober, saying something ONE TIME is enough....don't need to repeat and rehash over and over and over!!!
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