78ford

My name is Jennny. hi there and thank you for reading this post. I have belonged to this community a few years. Most time spent sober is 4 months. No family history. I am 44 and successfully (so far) self employed. Spent 10+ years as what I thought was a social drinker. Super healthy lifestyle, etc. Since becoming self employed my alcohol use has crossed that imaginary line. Went from 3 glasses of wine to three bottles. Sometimes more. And liquor too. And daytime drinking. And morning drinking. (Often bcus I am so sick I have to drink to feel UNsick...). I spend every moment trying to hide this from everyone I know. Cancel client apps, do not show up places, blackouts, doing **HORRIBLE** things and either regretting or not recalling at all. I am now haggard, exhausted, and sickly almost all of the time. I used to be vibrant and glowing and energetic. Last time I stopped I was SO committed. And it lasted several months. my S/O can be very cruel and also very wonderful. It is painful by the hour. (Anyone who knows someone like this will understand...). I feel utterly spent. And I read sober books and blogs and it seems like I do not identify because it seems like almost everyone has such a HIGH bottom. If I wrote for an hour on the last four or so years of my life most would be mortified. Ambulances and all. Wow - I hide it - I try so hard.

Question#1) How can I get back that commitment in my brain and heart of WANTING to stop again? It comes but then "whoosh..." It goes away. Roller coaster.

Question #2) Are there any threads or sober online pals whom may have really had a majorly high consumption like me or blogs that you can think of that you have seen?

Question # 3) Is it true that I should not have shared all of this (which I have recently - the last year or so) with my Doctor? My friend said it is a huge mistake and it will follow me the rest of my life (in terms of my medical record) and it will affect me forever. And to be frank, yep, I do feel my doctors look at me differently now!

Thank you so much for listening. I happen to be sick as a dog, but not drinking right now. It's ALL I can do to not stop the shaky sickly feeling. But instead, I decided to log back on to this community to ask for your thoughts / experiences.

Xo Hugs,

Soberwolf

Anyone can get sober anytime they want but you got to want it more than you want to drink

78ford

It truly is that simple. Seemingly. Because I have done it many times. Sigh......

D122y

78,

I don't know much about staying sober...only 15 months here...but...

I needed a few major scares to shake me out of my fantasy world.

Health scares.

Now sober I have transformed physically and getting better. Mentally I am in a much better place. Not perfect for sure. Not sure we ever achieve total mental stability. Not sure anyone does ever...imo..

I am on SR almost every day. I offer opinions. I think is helps me to help others.

The mental is the real monster. It is lurking in our reptile mind...hence relapses after years and years....Folks that do know better...

So...we are not going crazy from stopping drinking...we are coming back from crazy w a sober mind....

the view out the front is nice...it is the stuff on the side and in the rear view mirror that is scary...

Mags1

Hi Jenny.

I've heard it many times on here, but it's that first drink what does it! You don't start again at the beginning....you start off where you finished last time...so one drink for me would be impossible.

zerothehero

The first time I quit drinking was 21 years before the last time I quit drinking. All I can say is it was time for me to make it stick. I started hating life. That was enough.

In the U.S., medical records are supposed to be confidential, and only other health care providers would or should see them. I don't know about other countries, but here it's not like they're gonna call some future employer or post it online, and unless the *****s in congress repeal the Affordable Care Act you can't be denied coverage for a pre-existing condition.

But to make it stick I needed a replacement behavior. For me it was embracing Buddhist practice that got me through early sobriety and sustains me to this day. I had to learn to love life again, to accept the past and the present, and to quit freaking out about the future. It wasn't easy, but at about two years sober I started feeling like I had arrived; like I'm becoming the person I had long hoped to be.

I wish you well on your journey.

78ford

Zero the hero is the cutest little doll ever. Thank you for your reply. Yes, I have absolutely had many day ONES only to have them last too long.

IvanMike

1) - Honesty works really well. When you stop trying to justify your using/drinking, you have finally have a choice.

2) You will find tons of people here and in meetings who used/drank like you do. I'm one of them.

3) Your friend is quite mistaken. Outing yourself to the medical community is a good thing. Accountability and honesty are essential for people like us. Saving face is a good way to end up in a pine box. I'd rather get help.

ps, I got clean when I was 44.

Anna

Welcome, and I'm glad you posted.

I had to decide that alcohol was not an option in my life, ever. Doing that enabled my mind to make the shift I needed. It really is so simple. Don't pick up a drink, don't buy alcohol, get any alcohol out of your house, stay away from bars and people who drink.

I think you need to be aware that stopping drinking and staying sober are not one and the same. You will need a plan in order to support your recovery.

If your S/O is verbally abusive, please know you do not have to live with the abuse.