I'm back
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Surrey
Posts: 65
I'm back
I've been drinking a lot for the past couple of weeks. It's been really bad. All I do is drink and pass out. It's disgusting. But I just can't stay stopped.
It seems when I don't drink, the guilt of my drinking and all the shame, fear, memories hit me and it's overwhelming. It's not like anything really bad has happened (thank god) - but I did get arrested for a dui.
It's like I have post traumatic stress syndrome from the guilt, shame, and the bad times from my drinking. I keep adding to those bad memories. And then I drink. Vicious cycle.
I used to be so against AA. But I am going to a meeting today, and plan to go regularly. I think i'm seeing why they have the 12 steps. You revisit all those bad times, share them with someone, and then let go. I may not be an ideal AA member, but I hope it will keep me sober. I'm going to change. I'm going to fight this addiction. I'm not going to let it control me anymore.
I'm back.
It seems when I don't drink, the guilt of my drinking and all the shame, fear, memories hit me and it's overwhelming. It's not like anything really bad has happened (thank god) - but I did get arrested for a dui.
It's like I have post traumatic stress syndrome from the guilt, shame, and the bad times from my drinking. I keep adding to those bad memories. And then I drink. Vicious cycle.
I used to be so against AA. But I am going to a meeting today, and plan to go regularly. I think i'm seeing why they have the 12 steps. You revisit all those bad times, share them with someone, and then let go. I may not be an ideal AA member, but I hope it will keep me sober. I'm going to change. I'm going to fight this addiction. I'm not going to let it control me anymore.
I'm back.
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
Originally Posted by KPForever 
Also, I'm really really scared. Of what I don't know. Just scared.
And the thought of going to AA is not exciting at all. But I'm running out of options.
And the thought of going to AA is not exciting at all. But I'm running out of options.
Welcome to SR. Don't be scared, you have support here and you will have it at AA. You are not alone.
I look young for my age.
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 932
Welcome back, KPF. These first few days are the hardest, but there is a light on the other side. Good for you for committing to going to AA, even though you don't want to. The rewards will far outstrip your fears.
Stay with us, join the August Class and keep posting!
Stay with us, join the August Class and keep posting!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I was resistant to AA at first. But I knew I needed to do something different than what I had been trying on my own. I knew I needed help. I also went to treatment right away when I decided to quit. I started the difficult process of working on letting go of the guilt, remorse, and shame. I HAD to, or I would have just kept going on the drinking, because drinking made me forget how much I hated myself for a little while. But that's a merry-go-round - when you wake up hungover the next day, you just feel worse. Get off the merry-go-round. Get on solid ground. You can do it.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Great decision. And, take it slowly with AA - as they say, just keep coming back. Just go and sit; you don't have to be "obvious" or say anything or do anything except listen. If you keep going, it will begin to make sense.
It sounds like you have the beginning of a plan - make a commitment to going to meetings - are you willing to try 90 in 90? It's a strongly suggested plan for someone who is just coming into the program.
Good luck!
It sounds like you have the beginning of a plan - make a commitment to going to meetings - are you willing to try 90 in 90? It's a strongly suggested plan for someone who is just coming into the program.
Good luck!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I'm glad you're back KPF and that you're doing something new- that's great.
I felt that too - but the reality was I'd always cut those feelings off right at the start with drinking. I'd never actually sat with them for any real length of time...and so they assumed mythical proportions...
It was not pleasant to sit with them and not drink...but I did learn that they weren't anywhere near overwhelming, and they passed.
I also learned I had 24/7 here and other places.
The fear of facing those emotions was much much worse than the reality.
When I faced that I think my journey, and my healing, began
D
It seems when I don't drink, the guilt of my drinking and all the shame, fear, memories hit me and it's overwhelming.
It was not pleasant to sit with them and not drink...but I did learn that they weren't anywhere near overwhelming, and they passed.
I also learned I had 24/7 here and other places.
The fear of facing those emotions was much much worse than the reality.
When I faced that I think my journey, and my healing, began
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Surrey
Posts: 65
I don't want to face my emotions or my fears or reality. I learned today, that being grateful helps - things could be a lot worse. I could be dead.
I'm sober today. It sucks. But I also don't want to drink. I feel tired, pressure in my head & eyes, bloated, I feel grossly full after a few bites of food, and hot flashes. Generally, not good. I miss how my body felt back when I didn't drink like this.
Thank you for all the support.
I'm sober today. It sucks. But I also don't want to drink. I feel tired, pressure in my head & eyes, bloated, I feel grossly full after a few bites of food, and hot flashes. Generally, not good. I miss how my body felt back when I didn't drink like this.
Thank you for all the support.
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