rae145

Ugh this is so hard. Why do I miss a man who did not treat me well and was either drunk or sleeping it off? Is it bc we lived together for over 30 years? I'm finding it quite defeating to extinguish this euphoric thinking. It's like my wee little brain can't handle the loneliness and devastation. Why is this so excruciating for so many of us?

gainingstrength

Oh Rae, I wish I had an answer bc I have the same questions. I can't fathom why I romanticize and actually miss a man who has hurt me tremendously numerous times. They say time heals all things, and that's what I cling too. It's also suggested to remember the bad things about the exes and not the good things, however I find this to be too hurtful. I end up dwelling on the painful memories which just keeps re-opening the wounds. So I don't suggest that, and try to focus on the present not the past.

I wish I had more answers for us, but maybe it's just comforting that many of us are going through the same thing.

Kboys

Because you lived with him for 30 years of your life. That's a LONG time, and a really big chunk of your life. Of course you're going to feel that way.
Because there were good times too. Because there were wonderful things about him too, that you fell in love with.

I think remembering the bad times and reading what I have written about all the horrible things my A did does help sometimes, but I agree with gainingstrength, that it is not always a good thing, and can keep you stuck in the pain and all the what-ifs and the regrets.
I think it's okay to remember the good times too....sometimes, as long as we don't dwell there either.

What are you doing for you today?

It will get easier! Big hugs to you Rae

dandylion

rae....the first year is pretty much the process of grieving.....
Your feelings are only natural....
It is too much to walk alone without the comfort and support of other who care and understand....
are you willing to get some support during this time....do you know where to get it?

dandylion

Refiner

Personally I think the longer you are together and things aren't great, it's the frog in the slowly boiling pot thing and BAM you're 30 years down the road. I also think when in this long-term situation you lose yourSELF. You morph into some self-doubting, co-dependent being where your only identity, dignity and self-respect is wrapped around what your spouse/partner/Addict does or thinks.

rae145

Thanks for the hugs. I am taking a yoga class

rae145

I have two counselors and I have the support of my daughter

dandylion

rae....I am glad that you have support....
I just want to say that it will get easier as time passes...especially after the first year....\There are some good books on amazon regarding the grieving process....very cheap if you order the used ones...lol.....

You have us, also......
There are lots of people who have been in marriages as long as y ours and will understand what y ou are feeling.....

dandylion

rae145

Thanks

qtpi

I left in May after 33 years of marriage. Dealing with a lot of issues- like how to not obsess about my XHA. I notice if I do certain things- I think of him a lot less. Walks with fiends. A good book or movie. Mah jongg. physical exercise. work. The less I think about him the better. There were good times but I did not deserve a minute of the emotional abuse and neglect I endured. To balance things out- I am treating myself very well... being with people who love me and treat me well. Doing things I enjoy. Being healthy with good food and exercise. I sometimes think about going back because my grown children are angry at me- so I spoke with my counselor who recommended some ways to communicate with them and I am feeling more hopeful. I also think about going back because I had more money and free time. so I am trying to balance that by letting myself spend a little more and work a little less. Trying to spend money on some things that make me feel good and being discerning since I can't afford everything I used to enjoy. Notice I didn't say I miss him. I am so angry at him now that it has balanced out the good memories. I obsess about angry things I would say to him. About how unfair it was- and unfair that I had to leave to get a better life and now I will have to fight for enough money to retire. I obsess that he should have been a good husband as I was a good wife. And I am angry I wasted so many years on an alcoholic loser. But the past is over and I am moving on.

maia1234

Rae,
Because you love him, that's why it hurts. Once we accept that we can love some one from a distance and not live with them, peace will slowly come over you.

What if he turned around today and he said let's get back together. You are strong enough now to have a whole list of demands before that would ever happen. You know how sick the relationship was. Let yourself morn the "death" of your marriage. Accept today that you are allowed to still "love"and miss him. You just don't need to act on those feelings. Feel it, own it and say it's ok. You don't need to act like you previously life never happened. It was good, could have been better but it is your story. Be grateful you are were you are today. Hugs my friend, us codies, love to deep.

Expanding

Sometimes trauma bonding comes into play. If the highs were really high and the lows really low your brain can become addicted to the rush of chemicals that are released. I think this is another reason why they say Codies are addicted to the relationship, because you do start to lean on to those adrenaline dumps just to feel something

Wells

Great thread here, you ask "why do I miss my ExA" and you have seen here, there are a ton of reasons and so many of us in that same boat. You are not alone.

I love my ex quite possibly more than anything in this world (other than myself, gotta stress that too, important!), because I have realized that I can forgive her for something that, with learning, she just doesn't have full control over right now. I realized she didn't set out to ruin my life or the relationship or get us to where we are. A's get a bad rap from people who never encountered it because they think they can "just stop" and because they don't stop, that they are monsters. Those of us in this thread know there is a lot more to it than that.

So, I think a lot of the reasons we miss them is that we not only miss the good times, and their potential, but we are compassionate people. Those of us fitting the description of codependents (I have learned I fit the bill 1000%) suffer the worst because as maia above says, we love DEEPLY. So it hurts extra extra hard and leaves an extra big hole in ourselves that we have to learn to cope with when they are gone.