Hitting me hard
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Hitting me hard
The last time things were good between us was in 2014. It also happened to be the year I made a career change to try and do what I was passionate about. It was an extremely tough change that did not end up working out.
I'm heartbroken. This means me trying to do what I wanted to do and needing support contributed to us dying as a couple. Maybe I needed too much support and was expecting too much. We never bounced back and things kept getting worse and worse. I saw it happening and didn't know how to stop it. It was a terrible feeling. I wanted it to work and I wanted us to go back to the way we were. I miss the way we were and sometimes I wish I didn't wake up.
Saying that is hard but true. I just feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest all over again with this move. I hate this so much
I'm heartbroken. This means me trying to do what I wanted to do and needing support contributed to us dying as a couple. Maybe I needed too much support and was expecting too much. We never bounced back and things kept getting worse and worse. I saw it happening and didn't know how to stop it. It was a terrible feeling. I wanted it to work and I wanted us to go back to the way we were. I miss the way we were and sometimes I wish I didn't wake up.
Saying that is hard but true. I just feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest all over again with this move. I hate this so much
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
Aww Expanding I'm sending you hugs. Changes are so hard on our soul. For me, things will get better....then they will revert to excruciating pain again. I believe the grief process is not linear at all. But I know living with an A is not living at all for me.
Just a thought but maybe the career change didn't work out bc of too many distractions at home.
Just a thought but maybe the career change didn't work out bc of too many distractions at home.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I am sorry for your pain!But please stop taking on all the responsibility for what happened...you are simply not that powerful.
You pursued what you were passionate about. If it had been your ex who pursued what he was passionate about, would you have supported him? Would you have understood how much time and energy were required to pursue a new enterprise? I think you would have been very supportive.
Of course something like that is a stressful time, but when people love and support on another, it does not spell the end of the relationship. And if that is what he told you, then he is simply using it as an excuse for his drinking and other behavior.
Hang in there! It really does get better!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
When the pain is acute....go ahead and feel it and cry it out....and, telling others about it..like you just did.....
Perhaps the finality of it is just really hitting you, now.....
I have been there with that kind of pain, myself....
dandylion
Perhaps the finality of it is just really hitting you, now.....
I have been there with that kind of pain, myself....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
The whole reason why we bought the house we bought and where we bought it was so that he could have his dream 
I let him have the basement even though I wanted it for other reasons.
I did support him, if we had to reschedule a date night so that he could do what he had to do I never complained about it. If he wanted to work OT I would drive him (that stopped in 2014 because I thought it would motivate him to get his own license and I wanted to sleep in on the weekend!)
I compromised with him so much and what did I get in return?! I'm so angry and sad. I feel so jipped
I let him have the basement even though I wanted it for other reasons. I did support him, if we had to reschedule a date night so that he could do what he had to do I never complained about it. If he wanted to work OT I would drive him (that stopped in 2014 because I thought it would motivate him to get his own license and I wanted to sleep in on the weekend!)
I compromised with him so much and what did I get in return?! I'm so angry and sad. I feel so jipped
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The decline may have coincided with your move, but in all likelihood it would have happened even if you hadn't changed a thing. Remember, alcoholism is progressive--it gets worse. There are times when the decline accelerates and times when it moves more slowly, but it's always moving in the same direction--for the worse, not better. So sooner or later the same thing would most likely have happened. I'm sure it was harder for you, just because your dreams didn't materialize.
I remember when I moved across the country in support of my first husband. We had already separated, and were both with new partners, but his company was opening an office in my home state (where we had met), and he had always longed to return there. He had supported me through school and the first part of my career, and I thought it wasn't fair he should be stuck in a place he hated for the rest of his life because of me (our boys lived with him).
So we packed EVERYONE up--including my newly-sober (or so I thought) partner, whom I married before I moved--it looked like his job opportunities would be better there, too. And we all moved across the country.
At that point, everything went to hell quickly. New husband returned to drinking worse than ever (after almost dying from it, once). I couldn't find a job in my chosen career and wound up working at a low-paying job I hated, looking for a SECOND crappy job because second husband lost his new one.
I wound up moving back--alone--to where we started, and resumed my old job. All of this happened in a matter of months. Second husband never got sober--as far as I know he's still drinking himself to death.
I'm sure there were stresses on him, but the point is, there were AA meetings there (he went, for a while) but he never did the hard work and his disease simply did what it does--it advanced. I couldn't stand watching what he was doing to himself, and my career was in the toilet at that point. I often think maybe I could have hung in with the move (if not with him) if at least I had a job that I loved. But it all sucked, and coming back was the best move for me.
I don't waste time anymore analyzing "what if"--I am satisfied that I did the best I could, and with the best of intentions, and other people are responsible for their actions, just as I'm responsible for mine.
I remember when I moved across the country in support of my first husband. We had already separated, and were both with new partners, but his company was opening an office in my home state (where we had met), and he had always longed to return there. He had supported me through school and the first part of my career, and I thought it wasn't fair he should be stuck in a place he hated for the rest of his life because of me (our boys lived with him).
So we packed EVERYONE up--including my newly-sober (or so I thought) partner, whom I married before I moved--it looked like his job opportunities would be better there, too. And we all moved across the country.
At that point, everything went to hell quickly. New husband returned to drinking worse than ever (after almost dying from it, once). I couldn't find a job in my chosen career and wound up working at a low-paying job I hated, looking for a SECOND crappy job because second husband lost his new one.
I wound up moving back--alone--to where we started, and resumed my old job. All of this happened in a matter of months. Second husband never got sober--as far as I know he's still drinking himself to death.
I'm sure there were stresses on him, but the point is, there were AA meetings there (he went, for a while) but he never did the hard work and his disease simply did what it does--it advanced. I couldn't stand watching what he was doing to himself, and my career was in the toilet at that point. I often think maybe I could have hung in with the move (if not with him) if at least I had a job that I loved. But it all sucked, and coming back was the best move for me.
I don't waste time anymore analyzing "what if"--I am satisfied that I did the best I could, and with the best of intentions, and other people are responsible for their actions, just as I'm responsible for mine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
WHAT IF the thing you needed support for was ,God forbid, some illness that you didn't bring on yourself?
There are stories all over these pages of that very thing happening. If the mate was an active alcoholic, they almost always bailed one way or another.
Maybe this was a test of your relationship that showed you what it really was.
There are stories all over these pages of that very thing happening. If the mate was an active alcoholic, they almost always bailed one way or another.
Maybe this was a test of your relationship that showed you what it really was.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, I agree with Eauchiche's observation---with an active alcoholic--no matter how much we give and sacrifice for them--so many of them bail when we need them the very most.
It seems that when the stress is on---they turn to the alcohol to deal with the stress....
LOL....in a (bizarre) example...co-dependents are sort of emotional "first responders"----we run toward stress and p ain---alcoholics and addicts run away from it......
dandylion
It seems that when the stress is on---they turn to the alcohol to deal with the stress....
LOL....in a (bizarre) example...co-dependents are sort of emotional "first responders"----we run toward stress and p ain---alcoholics and addicts run away from it......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
He said he was drinking more because of our relationship problems, and if I was the one with all the problems... well, I put two and two together and felt as though he was drinking more because of ME. It's scary to know that he drinks when he's stressed. Happy. Sad. It doesn't matter the reason, he just drinks.
There are small things we have to coordinate with this move and I hope he cooperates. So far so good. This is so difficult to do when we aren't there at the same time. Questions about who is taking what and where stuff is...
I never thought I'd be doing this because we were breaking up. People around me are closing on homes and getting married and I'm starting all over again. I know he is feeling remorse. Him packing up his stuff will be one of the first times he faces what's happening head on. He was able to run away for a while.
He certainly did bail on me, and when I told him I needed support I was met with, "what about ME?"
It made me feel enormously selfish and I gave up on my dream so that we could get better as a couple again
There are small things we have to coordinate with this move and I hope he cooperates. So far so good. This is so difficult to do when we aren't there at the same time. Questions about who is taking what and where stuff is...
I never thought I'd be doing this because we were breaking up. People around me are closing on homes and getting married and I'm starting all over again. I know he is feeling remorse. Him packing up his stuff will be one of the first times he faces what's happening head on. He was able to run away for a while.
He certainly did bail on me, and when I told him I needed support I was met with, "what about ME?"
It made me feel enormously selfish and I gave up on my dream so that we could get better as a couple again
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