lovetolisten

I'm sober, which is great. But dealing with the destruction I caused when I wasn't is overwhelming and depressing me. I know continued drinking won't help and I won't do it. I just don't know how you forgive yourself, clean it up, and move on

Darwinia

Regrets we all have. It is just a fact, no more. Achieving sobriety is the saviour and the penance all in one. Staying sober ia sometimes the best one can do, and then it is enough.

Soberwolf

With time Love to listen I remember feeling the feelings you feel now but time is the greatest of healers that I know xx

Have you thought about journalling that helps me x

Ekohe

Nobody can wish for a Brighter past.

August252015

^^Oooh, I like that!

Regret and shame are TOUGH. They pop up for me in the least expected moments, and for the most random reasons (I see a store that reminds me of x thing or someone says something unrelated to drinking that sends me right to a y memory...). I have to stop and breathe. And pray. And put it in my mental box of amends; to be dealt with as I am told in the BB, and sometimes that moment is put on hold so I am not overwhelmed with these feelings. Not sure if that makes sense.

My sponsor reminds me sometimes to ask myself : "what would it be like if I were STILL drinking?" - what kind of dragon would I still be chasing, and regrets and shame still amassing? That helps me separate the past from the present, and the future.

Dee74

I had a lot to regret. I made my life a kind of living amends.
I did a lot of service work - I tired to be a good person and do good things.

there's nothing any of us can do about yesterday - but there's so much we can do with today

In time, the present mattered more to me than the past...forgiveness followed

D

sugarbear1

Try not to focus on those thoughts. Focus on healing and staying stopped. Find a method for staying stopped (AA, SMART, AVRT, Life Ring, Women for Sobriety, SOS) and use that for now.

Glad you are staying stopped and moving forward!!!

On The Road

Hi lovetolisten

I wish I had some advice for you that could help fix things from the past, but we both know that doesn't exist.

So that being the case, continue your journey and become a better person so that you never have to repeat that behavior and live with the consequences again.

I understand how you feel, and I too had to move on and prove my worth to myself through my actions. And I've decided that good enough for me IS good enough for me.

Hang in there.

lovetolisten

Thanks all. I know the best thing I can do to repent for the past is stay sober and not let the "bad" back in. If I live the rest of my days sober and honest, that's the best I can do

Anna

Yes, that is the best you can do. And, one important reason to let go of the shame and guilt, is because it will take you down if you don't.

Hevyn

Hi lovetolisten.

That was one of my biggest obstacles to staying sober - guilt and remorse. It led me back to drinking a few times, just to turn off the negative thoughts. Of course, they came back every time - worse than ever. Rising above the bad things that happened was hard - but in time the memories faded. That drunk person that acted so recklessly wasn't the real me. Be kind to yourself - you can get free of the negative thoughts.

IvanMike

Welcome to the club.

It's funny, those of us who do not use a 12 step program as such still end up incorporating a good part of the spirit of the steps as they move forward in recovery. After all, it's not like they are revolutionary concepts, (but for us they are).

When we get clean we instantly stop causing the damage to ourselves and others that we used to when we got loaded. As we stay clean and get involved with recovery, we take a good look at ourselves and recognize other aspects of our behavior that we don't like, and we address those problem areas as well. In that manner we stop causing harm to ourselves and others some more.

As time goes on we slowly clean up the wreckage of our past. We can't eliminate it, but we can make amends for it.

It's been my experience that the longer it has been since i engaged in a destructive behavior, the easier it is to forgive myself for it. Likewise, it's a lot easier to forgive myself for the past when I have done my part in trying to fix the damage that I have caused.

All this takes time. But if we keep at it, it does happen. Then we get to this point where we keep tabs on ourselves, notice when we are doing something that we are not comfortable with, change direction, and own our part right away. I still get dismayed that I am not "perfect", but I'm slowly becoming ok with simply being human. This doesn't give me license to act in ways contrary to my values, but i don't have to beat myself up for falling short.

Early in recovery my sponsor told me something that it took me a while to internalize. "We aren't responsible for what we do in active addiction, but we are accountable for it." When I was using, I was not in my right mind, and I behaved in ways which made me ashamed, but I was unable to act otherwise until I became willing to stop justifying getting loaded and ask for help. Now that I'm clean, I'm still accountable to make reparations for what I did when I was caught out. It's subtle, but in my experience it's real.

Hang in there. You can't change the past, but what you do now can change the future, and that is a wonderful thing.

keeppushing

My success at abstinence is not much, but I have learnt to forgive myself. First is making whatever amends I can. Then helping others helped me let go of much of the remaining guilt and remorse. After all, guilt is simply an emotional reminder that I did something wrong and the more things I do right the more the guilt fades.

Good luck!

KP

MLD51

Something that helped me was doing an inventory (step 4) and sharing of that inventory (step 5). In my inventory, I recounted all of the things I did that I was ashamed of while drinking. I also went back to before I drank, when I was just a kid, to figure out what things had happened to me that might have contributed to my wanting to escape with alcohol, and caused some of the behaviors I was ashamed of. I learned that I was a very insecure and fearful kid, who just wanted everyone to like me and to please everyone else. I drank in order to fit in and and overcome my shyness - to be able to talk to people. Then when I drank I got myself into bad situations because I allowed myself to go along with what other people wanted to do. That process of inventory helped me to have compassion for that little girl who just wanted to be liked. That translated into being able to begin to forgive myself for the things I did and the people I hurt later in life. It's a process - it doesn't come all at once, and it takes time. Try to be gentle with yourself.