Dame

I don't know if it's OK for me to be posting here. Let me know.
I drank for 3 yrs. I've been in recover for 2 months. By Guy of 25 yrs. has stayed with me through all the horrors.
I'm reading all about myself here - through your eyes.
But I didn't really need to. I know the pain I've caused him. He has put up with my insanity, demands, all the nightmares you folks have suffered. He has bought wine for me, held me while I screamed, and even lied on my behalf. I have hated myself. I question his sanity. He can't stop loving me, but I want him to start respecting himself; putting himself first. He has always been this way: with his relatives, friends, past girlfriends. I don't think I can get through this on my own, but I hate what it's doing to him. I have a conscience. Couples therapy is beyond our means. I'm afraid if he goes to AA meetings, etc. for Family/Friends he'll leave me. I want to get counseling, but it will be at a "Welfare Clinic" and I have lost the ability to place confidence in these. I don't want to be shamed at AA for being a horrible female SO (this is a pretty unprogressive, sexist community).
I want to do better. I don't know how. I love him so much that I attempted suicide 2 months ago because I wanted him to be free (no. I wasn't attention-seeking). If I find out that I am very sick I will get gone, because I won't make him take care of an invalid. But I'm selfish obviously. Sorry I sound crazy. Sleep deprivation is making it worse, but the guilt isn't telling me what to do. I hoped it would show me a way.

LifeRecovery

Dame-

Welcome to this side of things and congrats on your hard work of the last two months.

Just as someone cannot make another person use an addictive substance, we cannot "get" another person recovery. That was part of my co-dependent thinking.....

I have struggled with a lifelong challenge with food. During my recovery I met, loved and married a problem drinker. I assumed that what worked for me to find help would work for him......

I have found Al-anon (for friends and family of problem drinkers) helpful both in recovery from my addiction (food) though it is not specifically talked about and my work on changing my codependent behaviors.

I had to get there on my own though.....I had to hit my own bottom.

SparkleKitty

Dame, the best thing you can do for your significant other, as well as for yourself, is continue to focus on your *own* recovery. Congratulations on two months, that is an accomplishment to be proud of.

honeypig

It is absolutely fine that you are posting here, Dame. I'm glad to hear that you have 2 months of recovery under your belt and wish you all the best going forward.

Have you been to AA yourself? I don't think anyone there is going to "shame" you for anything you've done, thought or said. Some A's do manage to get and stay sober on their own, but for most, it is necessary to have a plan and a support network as well as to work some sort of a program. Simply not drinking is generally not sustainable unless the underlying problems are addressed.

Your first priority needs to be your sobriety, and your best course of action will be to work your own recovery and let him work his. It certainly sounds as if he has some codependency issues, and Alanon could be a great resource for him.

Again, if you haven't gotten any support for yourself, I'd urge you to check out AA. Not drinking is clearly where recovery starts, but it's only the beginning. Read around in the forum and I think you'll see what I'm talking about.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

Dame

Thank you Honeypig.

He simply doesn't think it's a problem. He is a full-on cheerleader! I beg him to "make some demands," "put himself first." It's as though he NEEDS to care for me, do everything for me. But he can't of course. No way. And I can't let him keep 'living for me.'

Alanon is for family/friends? Do you think that WE could both do that? Go there together so that I can experience what family/friends say and feel and he could too?

I have always "put myself first." Maybe, for once, putting myself second would help me heal; help US/him change?
Thanks again for the feedback. I am considering AA.

Dame

Oh Sparklekitty, you are unfailingly kind. Thank you.

I'm so sick of my selfishness. I've been pretty 'this'n that' about things like AA. But I hear a lot about "amends;" how this helps in recovery/growth. Since the beginning of time women have taken care of men - put them first. I have never done that. I'm so tired of being the center of my universe.

I'm grateful for your replies and any others I might be blessed with. It's all such good advice. Maybe I just need to talk this out. I don't have many social skills or friends. This is all very new. I didn't expect folks to be so accepting. THAT is very new!

Dame

Thanks LifeRecovery. So much wisdom here! Your perspective is something I didn't anticipate. I'm thinking he and I could maybe go to Alanon together. Everyone advises us to get busy with a project, focus on something outside of yourself. I want to learn how to be gentle and nurturing (I didn't have kids, etc. Too late). I asked him an hour ago if he would like to go together and he was enthusiastic. Heck; he would just love if I got out of the house and did anything with him. He is a very social animal.

Thank you for letting me talk this out

dandylion

Dame.....maybe you have a certain picture of AA in your mind......
I want to tell you that AA is among the most nonjudgemental places you will ever find, for an alcoholic.
They do not sit in judgement.....
They only want to help you get sober..if that is what you want......

Alanon is the place for HIM , from what you write.....

It is true that an alcoholic can be co-dependent, also......
In that case, alanon is for the alcoholic,also......

This is my suggestion...don't go to more than one or two meetings with him....(just in case he is too scared to walk in the door alone....lol).....
Same with AA. He could attend one or two open meetings....but that is all.....

AA for you. Separate alanon for the both of you.....

I agree that some socialization would be good for the relationship.....
How about attending a craft class together ....or, take up birdwatching together.....or a gardening club together.....(.you get the idea......

dandylion)

AnvilheadII

But I hear a lot about "amends;" how this helps in recovery/growth.

i hear the view from the top of Mt Everest is like no other......but it takes a long time and a lot of hard work to GET there.

amends are ONE of the 12 steps....and quite a ways down the list (#9). there is a lot of WORK to do before ever getting TO amends....we don't pick and choose what sounds nice or easy. no quick fixes. and if we have not DONE the work of the prior steps thoroughly and to the best of our ability, it's just another "sorry" in a long line of sorrys.

its really best if each part of the couple tends to their OWN recovery....and not do a lot of cross over, especially not early on. if you choose to attend AA you do not have to share every dispicable thing you think you have done, in your intro! you can go and just sit and listen. in fact that is often best.....to just observe and take it all in. get a copy of the Big Book and start reading.

alanon would be for him. that an be a bit awkward for men, especially in a smaller community, but everyone is welcome.

you have two months sober. which is most excellent. but there are more sober days and months to come. try not to expect it all to get better by august. time takes time. one sober step at a time.

SoloMio

I want to print out your post, to remind myself that I am not doing anyone any favors by self-sacrificing behavior. Thank you for your honesty. I needed that.

I would encourage you to continue to read the posts here. There are others here who are recovering alcoholics, who have great wisdom to impart.

Just as we say that we are not responsible for the alcoholic's behavior, YOU are not responsible for your loved one's codependency. That's his problem--and as a codependent, I can guarantee you that we have our own self-serving motives for wrapping ourselves up in our loved ones' alcoholism. Work on yourself. That's all that matters right now. AA will embrace you and you will find many kindred spirits.

alcoholics wife

Kudos to you to realize that you have a problem. Many alcoholics are in denial and will be for life. Don't be so hard on yourself that you drink. Figuring out how to healthily manage your immense feelings of shame, guilt, depression etc. Will linger with you whether you drink or not! Drinking just pushes these feelings aside when you got a good buzz. Drinking becomes a coping mechanism. Your spouse (although not a drinker) has other coping mechanisms to deal with his issues and that comes in the form of enabling, putting others first, holding onto immense responsibilities. And guess what, if you left him, chances are his next partner will be an addict as well. Just like if he left you, you will probably continue to drink.

Drinking, drug use, co-dependency, food, gambling, sex, work addiction are just coping mechanisms for a deeper rooted emotional or psychological imbalance. Don't be fooled that a codependent is not as insane as you are. We certainly are ill, and that's why the codependent and alcoholics tend to fall in love and live unhappily ever after until one of us strives to want to change.

Dame

Thank YOU, Solomio.

It is such a relief to not feel judged. The acceptance here is overwhelming - but in a good way. I like everything that I have read here and appreciate the wisdom in every reply.

I thought it mattered that I stopped drinking after 3 yrs., but I'm sick at heart (& many other ways) that I even started. I am appreciating my sober days the way I did before. I'm afraid of what I've done to myself and those around me. I'm afraid that I might start again one day because what I did was irrational, but it didn't seem so at the time. Obviously, like so many folks here, I have too many fears. Guess I should maybe start there.
I'm impatient. I'm not 25 anymore. I want to make things better NOW. I need to slow down.

Thank you so much everyone for pointing to the "Slow Down - Curves Ahead" sign.

wehav2day

Dame, congratulations on 2 months sober!!

Like you, I'm the alcoholic in my relationship. Like you, I carried a LOT of guilt over it. Like you, I come to this forum to remind myself of how alcoholism effects our loved ones. Over time, reading on here has helped me gain insight on my "double winner" status (my mother).

There's a lot of fantastic advise here on this thread. The only thing I could possibly ad is what worked for me:

AA. I did the steps, with a good sponsor who had some solid sober time herself. AA is a lot of things and there are probably as many opinions on AA as there are members. There's a saying "take what works and leave the rest." In my experience, AA has some of the funniest, kindest, most self deprecating people around. The ones who work the program in earnest tend to turn out pretty cool. The steps (in order) are designed to guide you through recovery. They help you fully comprehend the nature of your problem, understand that you need help from a power outside of/bigger than yourself, figure out some of what got you there, own your ****, forgive those who caused some of your ****, apologize to others for your ****, and then you forgive yourself.

That process which I still live to the best of my ability, has kept me sober and made me feel like a better person.

My partner and I sometimes talk about recovery bu we have different paths. She did go to al anon some. She's not really a part of my recovery directly. It was important that I do the work. Some of the things I needed to work through did not involve her, and to bring her into it would not have been helpful to her or us. So I did a lot of recovery on my own (with a sober network).

It might sound selfish at first glance, but the best gift you can give your partner is a new and better you. To do that it is totally ok to put your recovery first. my partners path was her own. We ended up growing together, but needed to do a lot of the work on our own.

JennyGrace

Dame, thanks for sharing. I first started reading and posting here many years ago. Some of the most USEFUL posts I read were from the alcoholics who openly shared here. Those posts made me feel like I wasn't crazy. My alcoholic was lying and manipulative at times, but wouldn't admit it. When the alcoholics here would admit to knowingly, willfully hurting others to protect their illnesses, I was able to fully believe that mine was capable of doing the same to me. And it was good to know that they really did feel bad about hurting their loved ones. Because I often found that hard to believe in mine.

Your sobriety is yours to claim!! Own it!! Do it for YOU, however!!! My guy got sober, worked a program, and was amazing for a long time. Amazing. But he did it to save our relationship. Not really because it was what HE wanted for HIMSELF. And guess what? He relapsed. Over and over. And I ended up leaving him for the last time. And he is still drinking, smoking, and soaking up attention from women. Those are his meds. He likes them for dealing with life. More than he liked dealing with life sober. Even though he and I were one amazing team together.

Do it for YOU, YOU, YOU. And in the end, everyone you love will benefit. Good luck to you.

Dame

Many thanks, JennyGrace.

And thanks for your story. I'm so sorry that he relapsed. Your ability to be understanding is remarkable! I don't think I can identify with him though. My investment in my addiction was never as deep as some of my other passions. I hope to all things sacred that I don't relapse. But I need to get out of myself. All of these years focusing on myself like this have just reinforced my selfish behavior. It has to stop. I have not made many sacrifices in life. It's time to give something back. If my SO cannot handle a me that I want to be then he will have to make that decision. But making my appreciation for him part of my recovery...... that's something I'm willing to do even if he feels I'm not needy enough anymore. So I agree with you..... but with a variation for mileage maybe??? Or maybe I'm not getting it yet. I can't just let go of all the shame, guilt, etc. I have to make them work for me, teach me. Darn it. I want to squeeze any good hiding in there start building something resembling maturity and toss away the rest. I'm not going to "save" him. He doesn't need that from me. But I need to find some dignity. I've put it off too long. I need to grow up.

JennyGrace

Dame, the great thing about working a program like AA is you get to do all those things you're talking about. The 12-step program guides you through letting go of selfishness with some structure and with the help/support of others who have been there. And you learn how to let go of the shame, and guilt, and all those things you're talking about. You mentioned that you're hesitant to try AA in your community. You might be surprised at how many others just like you are there. If you can't bring yourself to go, there are online meetings, too. I went to a few face-to-face meetings with my ex. He loved AA when he was sober and committed. And Alanon was great for me.

The thing about any good program is that it gives you a starting point, a plan, and ongoing support. Your zest for recovery is awesome. You sound like you need a place to channel your thoughts, questions, energy, and passion. Are you posting in the Alcoholism forums?

FeelingGreat

Dame, number 1 is to stay sober. Everything hinges on that. If you can stay sober you can start doing things for him, and have a mutually loving relationship.

Begging him to put himself first is, in my opinion, counter productive. He will do what he's capable of, and you are pushing him into a situation he's not comfortable with. He might benefit from Al-anon though, where he can talk to other partners of As.

Once again, it's early days. Stay sober, start doing things for him, and see where you go.

Dame

Thanks again JennyGrace.

I've intimated elsewhere on SR that I'm not an AA enthusiast. I might look at their online material, but I have known folks who participated, and my own personal philosophies, I think, differ from many of the people who endorse it here. I was hoping that I would not be so frequently persuaded to do AA while on SR. But it is becoming the rule rather than the exception. I would prefer not to discuss it further, but I am grateful for your wisdom and the generosity of spirit in your replies. Thanks.

JennyGrace

I understand, Dame. There are other paths to sobriety. Finding yours in whatever way works best for you is what matters. May you stay on that path. Wishing you the best!

Dame

Thanks JG,

I respect everyone's path. All of the advice here is precious to me - AA or no. That folks took the time is such a gift. I hope I wasn't harsh. I will check out the site you mentioned.
Stay well