KeyofC

I wonder about people's intent. I seem to make myself believe that people have an underlying reason for the things they do. Like: showing one thing but meaning another. I look at people with disbelief. What's the word I'm looking for? Like they're setting me up to be untrue to their word or they know from the start they're lying. I do this especially with the people I'm closest to. I'm having some personal "come to Jesus" moments right now where I am seriously trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel and react the way I react. I will be posting these because I got to get them out. I gotta get this crap laid to rest. It's holding me back so immensely. It's keeping me from finding joy, peace, happiness. Judge me all you want, as dumb as any of it will sound or childish, whatever. It's going on and I gotta get some different point of view how to handle some of this stuff and well, not give a **** so much! Wh do I feel like people are basically two-faced? Is this how I feel of myself so I trust no one and think they are like me? I don't know. But all people are not this way. All people are not out to get me or hurt me or have underlying agendas. What is this going on with me? Anyone ever experienced anything like this? Is this a normal thing coming out of addiction? Comments, experiences, suggestions, please and thank you.

Dee74

I think cynicism and mistrust is a pretty common part of addiction, particularly long term addiction - it's hard to think well of the human race if we hate ourselves so much...

I found that my optimism and my trust in humankind came back gradually - the more I grew ans the more I came to love myself again, the more I saw beauty in the world where I'd only seen darkness before.

What are some of the things in your life that bring you meaning, KeyofC?

D

KeyofC

I honestly am in search of "something"...what that is, I don't know. Joy and happiness are something I am still searching for and desperately. I feel so lost. I feel like I don't hardly know who I am anymore. People say I have changed so much. I agree and for the most part it is for the better. But trust me when I say I am just as confused as to my being different as anyone else could possibly be.
It seems I don't know how to answer your question there Dee and believe me I am trying.
What brings me meaning?
Spending time with people I love
Going to the lake
Swimming
Gardening
Taking care of my landscaping/yard
Playing my guitar/singing
How do any of you reading this learn or make yourself relax enough to really enjoy the little moments?
Fear grips me. Fear of what? I don't know...it seems everything.

Berrybean

Yes. That fear. I know it. I use the Litany of Humility every morning to keep myself mindful of what I am trying to do...

FROM the desire of being admired, Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, "
From the desire of being praised, "
From the desire of being favored, "
From the desire of being accepted, "
From the desire of being consulted, "
From the desire of being well-known, "
From the desire of being honored, "

FROM*the*fear*of being criticized, "
From the fear of being ridiculed, "
From the fear of being humiliated, "
From the fear of being falsely accused, "
From the fear of being persecuted, "
From the fear of being disbelieved, "
From the fear of being despised, "
From the fear of being forgotten, "

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be admired more than I, "
That others may be praised though I, may be unnoticed, "
That others may be chosen though I may be set aside, "
That others may be preferred to me in receiving social honors, "
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase in prominence while I remain hidden, "
Though others will do what they want, may my life be a radiant reflection of Your glory, "



A lot of my recovery has, through necessity, been about accepting the fact that I am powerless over others. My sponsor told me in no uncertain terms to stop second guessing what people thought and felt, and to stop having conversations with people who weren't in the room, by which she meant projecting what they would do or say if or when they were there. I was terrible for this, being very fear driven, as most alcoholics are. The amount of pain I put myself through was unreal. After all, thinking that someone thinks badly of me hurt just the same as if they'd actually come up and said it.

Thank goodness for AA and the 12-steps. I hate to think where I'd be by now if I was still entrenched in my old perception of the world, myself and humanity.

I hope you find some peace soon.

strategery

For me, I realized that distrust is a defense mechanism. That way, I wasn't vulnerable. However, the problem is that it doesn't allow for building of meaningful relationships either.
However, as I've recovered, my distrust of people has lessened, but it's also been something I've worked on. Maybe the same will be true for you too.

It's good to see you!

Dee74

I think the things that bring us meaning are a great starting point, KeyofC.

Service work was important to me - I wanted to make a difference, and in helping others I helped myself.

I began to see that I wasn't all bad, or all good. I was just me...and I've grown to accept that

For me being comfortable with who I am., and living my sober life authentically - tackling difficulties, solving problems - took away a lot of my fear, I found I was more capable that I ever knew.

All this took time tho

Maybe, right now, you're right where you need to be?

D

Bekindalways

Hey KeyofC, I don't know if I quite follow what you are describing but I'm trying.

I was thinking along with Dee that maybe where you are, inspite of not being a particular comfortable place, is where you need to be now.

I'm a chronic depressive so enjoyment is not my strong suit.

KeyofC

Thank you for all your replies. I'm wondering myself about enjoyment. About finding it. Alcohol produced a generic form of it. I was drunk so I'd laugh at things that were stupid and probably not funny.
I'm sure this is part of how I have to find myself. Everything in my life has changed with the exception of who I am married to and my children, but even those relationships are different. It is kind of uncomfortable but I know I'm ok. I know it's what has to happen. Thanks so much everyone (hug)...got to get ready for work. I have more to say so I'll come back in a little bit.

On The Road

Hi KeyofC. Have you tried therapy? I ask because you seem to be ready for that kind of interaction - with a counsellor who could help guide you through your thoughts.

Therapy was a wonderful experience for me in my first year of recovery. And for what it's worth, I went in to it thinking it was a load of crap. How completely wrong I was!

I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

KeyofC

I have been struggling with therapy and thinking I may need a few AA people who are more active in my life to kick me in my butt and help me get rid of some of the bad habits I am seeming to have a horrible time breaking. I am reading everything I can get my hands on. It sounds like that this feeling I have is uncomfortable because it's supposed to be. Hard to break the mindset that just because I quit drinking everything will be rainbows and roses. I'm starting to see, more and more, that some of my issues I may need help getting through, and for nothing more than so I can live a full happy life and learn to let go. Jesus...letting go. I beat myself up so much. I worry myself over crap that I wish I didn't even think of. I always think people have an underlying or hidden meaning or agenda and I look for the "intent" of why they are doing me wrong. That sounds crazy? Sounds like it to me. I will say that coming to these places and typing with you guys helps me in a million ways. I get it out and then I read what I am conversing with you all about and it becomes more clear that my feelings are unfounded and are brought on by my sick mind.

FormerWineGirl

Key, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, especially the part concerning the change in relationships, self, and searching for joy. I have really been pondering those issues a lot myself lately. I think we are all a work in progress, and it makes sense, actually. All of the time we were drinking, it's like we were on a small boat in a stormy sea. Once we hit the shore, it's going to take some time to get our "land legs".

Just when I thought I had it all figured out at almost two years sober, I start to ponder these questions. I don't want to go back to the misery of drinking, but I need to figure out these issues that are weighing on me.

As far as your distrust of people, have you been at the receiving end of other people's insincerity? Perhaps you are jaded by how you have been treated by others? Just a thought.

I think we will figure these questions out in time, but I am seriously considering counseling for myself to help me in my quest.

KeyofC

Me too, thank you FGW for your thoughts (Hug)

Bekindalways

I always figure people are mucked up to the nth degree so I'm pleasantly surprised by folks doing anything kind, right or semi-ethical.

I like to hangout with on the newcomers forum as I am just dazed, crazed and amazed at folks trying to get sober and even better than that dig deep and recover from (usually) some massive injury that life inflicted on them. So many folks seem to be acting out of some massive injury that has nothing to do with me.

Hmm . . . this probably doesn't help much Key. Please let us know how it goes for you.