Flavia2

As you all know, I've had a very hard time moving forward with the divorce. We've been separated.

Then he got the DUI and now found out he's lost his job. There will be jail time, fines, community service house arrest loss of his license....and suddenly I just know I ca't do this anymore. He's been sober, going to meetings and has a sponsor. But I'm so tired. Too tired.

I went to my lawyer and she wants me to wait to see if he finds another job first. But I think I should do this now, while I have the guts to do it! Obviously, I'm paying her for her opinion. But maybe she knows a lot about divorce but nothing about addiction?

Please SR friends, what do you think?

amy55

Hi,

I was wondering, I don't remember if you have children. I think you already left emotionally awhile ago.

I can only see this attorney tell you to hold off on the paperwork if he will be getting a new job shortly so that you can show his income.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Flavia2

Hey Amy,

Yes, we have kids but they are HS and college (able to make decision about where to live).

And yes, lawyer thinks will strategically not find job if I file.

dandylion

Flavia2......you might want to take a look at the website Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com

It covers about every issue concerning divorce and is arranged by state. It is educational in nature and gives lots of resources.....
It doesn't substitute for a lawyer, of course, but it can help you to know want questions to ask and to think about......

dandylion

LexieCat

Well, even if he doesn't currently have a job, the court will generally impute, for purposes of support, what he's capable of making. Ask your lawyer about that. I kind of tend to think you should keep moving forward while you're emotionally ready to do that. Even if he recovers and stays sober, he's got a long road ahead of him and there's a lot of water under the bridge.

LeeJane

My feeling is for you to go ahead. Get things moving. All the best to you.

Refiner

Oh gosh... When you say you're separated, I hope that mean legally and financially, right? Because if not, this could be the start of his death spiral and he could take you down with him financially. He could drive illegally and drunk and hit or worse kill someone and they will go after every one of your assets. I'd proceed legally immediately if I were you.

pndm07

I would agree with the responses given. Five years ago I legally separated after AH lost his job due to drinking, but didn't divorce. I still kept him on my health insurance and have gotten bills from ER's, ambulances, etc. I didn't pay them (he did), but the stress involved by the fact that I was even on the bills was crazy. FF five years later and he is now in a tailspin. He is drowning himself in alcohol now. Hindsight is 20/20, but needless to say I don't want to be in this situation again. I would be very cautious with your finances and do what is right and practical for you.

Flavia2

Maybe she isn't the right lawyer for me after all. Maybe she isn't going to fight for me. I cant see why its would make a difference that he's not working - won't the courts expect him to find another job? Do you think I should find another lawyer? She has 25+ years experience but seems resigned that the courts will favor him because it's a disease.

Flavia2

And thanks everyone. I really appreciate all of the support and help. I'm so tired of trying to make it work with him and the sadness and just basically putting my life on hold.

The attorney has experience and is flexible about meeting after hours and seems responsive. She isn't too optimistic about a good financial settlement and when I told her other lawyers thought differently she said sometimes people promise the moon so you will hire them. I just don't know.

LexieCat

Well, some lawyers are also more cautious than others, and some focus more on the financial considerations (for you) than for the emotional/practical considerations. Whether you hire someone else really depends on whether she is willing to pursue your goals even if she thinks another course of action might be better for you financially. She is obligated to give you her advice, but if you choose to do something different, she should be willing to accommodate you (unless it involves an ethical issue).

redatlanta

On the flip side of things.....I do have a friend who recently went through a divorce. She had been a SAHM who did work some odd jobs for extra money. Once they physically separated and filed, she started looking for work. Her Attorney instructed her NOT TO FIND A JOB until after the divorce was finished to increase her financial settlement. This did benefit her, she received a year more of Alimony than is standard as well as support to fund some schooling for a different occupation even though she was, and still is a licensed cosmetologist.

If you yourself are not employed I can't see that it makes much difference. If you are, then the advice is probably warranted.

Of course it is entirely possible that him finding a job takes a long time. Its possible he doesn't try. My issue would be what your financial situation is now - and what it would mean to remain married as far as finances. When a divorce is filed you get protections from assets being spent or sold, and from accumulating debt after the divorce.

Tough decision. I'd probably inquire with this attorney what could happen with your current assets and debts if you DON"T file including retirement (Very important) and credit card expenditures.

hopeful4

I think your attorney sees the reality. That reality is, that he will likely have a hard time finding another job. He is going to have a criminal history. He may not have the earning potential he once did. So, your attorney sees an unemployed man with jail in his near future, prob not going to be a cash cow for you. I agree with Lexie, speak to your attorney about getting support of what his earning potential should be.

It depends on what is important to you. If the financials from his contribution are important (a deciding factor), I would listen to your attorney. If you just cannot deal with it another second, regardless of the finances, I would file. I took a huge financial hit in the hopes to get my divorced finalized and done. I would do it all over again, but I always knew it would be me being the primary financial support of my children.

Hugs to you.

Flavia2

Yeah, idk if he will look for a job anyway. He is too afraid of his reality, if that makes any sense. He won't want a job that isn"t prestigious is some way (I think--very hard to tell now that he's sober). I feel sorry for him.

It's awful both ways I guess.