Kialua

Ok coming this fall to a family near you, reunions. Mine actually.

The two favored siblings that were never beat even though they witnessed it daily and blamed us for being bad and stupid are the problem. Nutshell, we siblings have no interaction with each other as a group because of this. We are now all senior citizens and missing each other BUT at what price. I do occasionally lunch with siblings individually and go to weddings and funerals but that's about it.

Now my sister has invited me (again) to take a trip to her home. I would love to but even in our short recent phone call she dismissed my alcoholism because it was high school and she didn't know about it. Well of course she couldn't see something I hid if she couldn't she me being beat for throwing my body in front of her to keep my dad from hitting her! . She then pointed out that she was sipping as we spoke, high noon, and started telling me that I needed to start drinking because it would help me lighten up. I laughed and let it go. Honestly this stuff never ends does it?

Years ago when our 80 year old father was in lock up forced AA treatment our family went through his weekly meetings with an AA counselor. From this the counselor said that she was living in her own world and aggressively denied he had any problem or that he ever beat the rest of us. He told us that if she ever remembered what happened she would have a break with reality that she may never recover from. She had a nervous breakdown in grade school that she and my parents blamed on the mean kids at school. Yeah right, it had nothing at all to do with an abusive drunken father and a complient mother that encouraged him to not hit us where it showed.

Sooooo I have left it alone after that blowout at treatment years ago and politely isolated from her. I feel trapped.

My mission now is to figure out how to be in home and not get into it with her because there is no winning. And how to let it go when she dismisses my reality. She is not the only one that feels I am exaggerating my drinking problem, but suffice it to say I am not. (More about my drinking in my blog under my name to the left of the screen) I get this from all my friends and relatives that surely by now I could be a moderate drinker. Ha. Why would I want to take that chance now in life?

Has anyone reunited with family successfully after alcoholism has torn them apart?

Centered3

I'm having issues with my family, too, but I'm passing on something my sponsor said to me:

"Make it about the present moment, and no drama."

In other words, don't make the reunion about the past.

And it's no one's business about your drinking. You can just smile and say that you don't feel like drinking. End of story.

Kialua

Centered3 That's very helpful. I think I have been trying to do this but didn't have the words to focus on. No dramas, focus on the moment. Thanks!

hopeful4

You have to realize she has an unhealthy mind. She is sick in her own head so to speak. Try to have empathy for that for she truly seems to not realize what she is doing.

It's one day, try to focus on being in the moment and enjoying yourself with other family. There are many people who are not educated on addiction. They truly just don't understand it at all.

Kialua

Yes hopeful4, she does have a problem with our family history but otherwise she has held a great job and raised a family and been married for a long time all with seeming success. True the reunion is one day and I can handle that. It's the offer to visit her out of state and stay at her home for a week that I am wondering if I can handle...as much as I would like to try again.

makomago

1. Baby steps
2. Take it easy
3. Take what you like and leave the rest

Those three sprang to mind when I read your post, the latter more as a result of the first two... I thought I'd share them. It's not original work as you'll already know, but my drift I hope you'll catch.

Be well

Eauchiche

Dear Kialua
Perhaps I come from an extreme perspective at the other end of the scale and need to get more moderate.
If I were faced with this, I would book a cruise somewhere instead.

Kialua

Well the reunion came and went last week and was full of hidden drama. So I guess that's an improvement, it never used to be hidden. One sibling tried to stir things up with my adult children saying that I said thus and such, which I clearly didn't, I never even speak to this sibling and what was said was not even true. Another sibling maligned our absent mentally ill sibling with falsehoods that were dispelled quickly by me.

What was most interesting to me was my reaction to all this. I was not upset, I didn't dwell on it, I just repaired what I could and enjoyed those I could enjoy. So that's a win win. I don't think I could have done this without the work and introspection I have done here on this forum.

ajarlson

Awesome post Kialua. Congratulations. Whether we choose to interact or not, the most important part of the whole thing is our inner peace, even if we're in the hurricane it's achievable if we work hard and are honest with ourselves.
It doesn't always last and sometimes we need help keeping it but when it comes, it's such a relief. You're very strong to be able to put yourself in the middle of it and maintain that, good for you.

EveningRose

Well...I guess this is what I was thinking when you asked how to be with her without a problem. I'm not sure that's possible from what you describe and from what we all know of alcoholic families.

My sister's meltdown was ten years ago now. 7 years since AF made it clear he thinks I actually deserve to be treated like that. In that time, I repeatedly invited them to kids' events--they came into my home, ate my food, drank my wine, and snubbed me in my own house. Then criticized me that I hadn't been friendly enough to them! (They walked right past me without saying hello!)

I would go outside when my sister dropped off my kids and she would prance around the yard being the delightful fun aunt giving them piggy back rides and laughing loudly--and ignoring me. Making it really clear she was doing so.

So a few years ago, I quit offering olive branches. I didn't see them from then until my daughter's wedding a few months ago, at which point said sister took the opportunity to pull aside my boyfriend, directly out of the receiving line while I was still shaking hands with guests, and try to drag him into the family drama, try to get him on their side.

Why? Because it never ends. Because offering olive branches didn't work. Because trying to talk about it rationally and say, hey, meltdowns and screaming at me are a problem--didn't work. Because in an alcoholic family they have to be right, they can never apologize, and by all means, they MUST make sure that the scapegoat stands alone, even at her own child's wedding.

No, I have not successfully reunited, and I don't think it's for lack of doing all I could, short of just agreeing that I'll be the family punching bag, doormat, and scapegoat. But of course, that would only be successful for them, not for me. So that wouldn't really be successful, either.