LovelyKaya33333

My exAB and I broke up a month ago ... I "relapsed" and saw him on 4th of July after almost 3 weeks of being super strong. He is still VERY active in his drinking ... Like pouring drinks in a togo cup while he drives ... anyhow after I saw him on the 4th I felt anxious the whole next day. I sent him a firm but somewhat nice text saying that I love him but out of love I need for us to not have contact ( it was lengthier than that but it was firm ) so that night while he was at work (the only time he is sober) he wrote me and said "I know I shouldn't be saying this but God I miss you"... Then he proceeded to tell me that the only time he feels happy is when he is with me and said "You have my heart baby girl".... He said a few other ******** things... It made me spin.. then the next 2 days nothing.... he just wanted me to respond so he would have power again...makes me feel ill... I am blocking him tonight again... I didn't want to have to do that cause it felt like I was doing it out of "not being strong enough to hear what he had to say" but now I know he will continue to dangle a carrot to ensure "the person that actually loves him" is still there when he decides he needs me.... barf

honeypig

Once you begin to see the truth, it's hard to go back to un-seeing it...

Thomas45

It's exactly like I called it in your "don't know if I made a mistake or I needed this" thread. You stated a no contact boundary, he disrespected your wishes and contacted you anyway. Last time, his attempt was successful and he learned that he doesn't have to respect what you say, as long as he can convince you to break down your boundary. That makes him more likely to continue ignoring your boundaries in the future, and sure enough, he tried contacting you again after you repeated your request for no contact because it worked for him once already. He will do this until you consistently stand up for your boundary, and then he will do it for a while longer as well just for good measure.

Blocking him isn't about being strong enough or not strong enough. It's about healing and becoming a better person for yourself. Every time you read a message from him, every time you look him up on facebook, every time one of your friends talks about him, you will be ripping the scab off the fresh wound and it will not heal properly until you completely stop picking at it.

LeeJane

It is an amazing process, once you start seeing the truth.

All the BS becomes glaringly obvious like it has big flashing red lights on it.

Once you start seeing it, it just gets clearer and clearer.

I echo Honeypig, you cant return to un-seeing it!

I love the recovery process.

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you guys... I went on a run tonight and prayed... I texted him saying that I cared for him but that him saying that "he is only happy around me" and "that I have his heart" carry a lot of weight for me and that in my experience those words come with action. I told him he can have his heart back. I told him that I can't hold his heart because those beautiful words are just that...words... a few other things as well... After that I prayed some more and i blocked him on everything.... sigh... I felt anxious when I blocked him. Did this happen to anyone else? It was like I was cutting off my supply... Relationships to codependents are really like a drug... I texted my sponsor and I started reading codependent no more...

LeeJane

Yes.

To us codie's relationships are our drug. We get withdrawals.

This is why we have to go cold turkey. Any contact starts the whole addiction off again.

I am a recovering A as well as a recovering Codie. The harder of the two addictions to deal with has without doubt been the co-dependence.

dandylion

I have heard so many "double hitters" say that the Co-deoendency is even harder than the addiction to deal with......
"Co-dependency arrives like the Devil wearing a Sunday dress"......

dandylion

LeeJane

Thanks, Dandylion, good to know others have experienced it the same as me.

Quitting my daily drinking was a walk in the park by comparison to dealing with my co-dependency!

Wells

Yes. And also gives you a window into why As go back to it time and time again. Think how good the initial contact feels followed by that depressing hangover when nothing changes afterward. Awful. I think my ex is an A and a Codie and I am a Codie. She wanted to text last night and send pics of the dog, etc. I wanted that too until I realized moments later it just delays recovery and solves nothing but give you a short burst of nostalgia followed by another crash down when you realize that nothing is going to change.

No contact has helped me heal so much after breakups over the years. I think staying friends works if people break up for some reasons but a person having an active addiction is not one of those reasons.

Ariesagain

Let's try again...every time you contact him he wins. You're still paying attention to him and whatever you actually say means nothing.

The only way to win is not to play.

LexieCat

Right. No more contact to explain WHY you're not having contact. That pretty much defeats the entire purpose.

Thomas45

I know it's hard to resist the urge to reply when getting a message, but each time we get caught up in answering messages, even if to write another "final" message, it's just another fresh ripping of the proverbial scab. He will find other ways of contacting you. Your job is to value your boundaries higher than your desire to explain things to him. Responding just gives him another opening, another dash of intermittent reward, and a further weakening of your will.

dandylion

Do not underestimate the power of simple Time and Space for the gtieving.....

dandylion

hopeful4

You are making progress friend! Tight hugs!

Yoga

You can't unknow what you know.

pndm07

So interesting and helpful to hear. Thanks for this.

Bekindalways

Blocking has nothing to do with weakness; it is just like locking the door to someone who is going to beat you or maybe like making sure raw sewage doesn't come into you home. There is nothing strong about living with raw sewage in your home.

Healing and courage to you LK!

atalose

Like so many of us have done and many will continue to do, you are attempting to have a reasonable rational conversation with him as if he were “normal” and not an alcoholic. You want your words to mean something to him, hit him in his heart so to speak as if he were “normal” and not an alcoholic.

You might as well go talk to a tree next time you are on a run!!!

Now is the time to keep to that no contact and when you feel you need to say all of those kind of words to him, go tell it to a tree, vent away!!!! Just not to him, he doesn’t care!!

pndm07

I have a theory and wonder what you guys think. I think that reverse psychology is probably the only way to go with an active alcoholic. Meaning, the way that you would expect to act and say with a normal, functioning person, is the opposite of how to deal with an addict. Their minds are twisted, and when we treat them the way we would like to be treated, we are only prolonging the misery. It's almost like - think about what you would do in a normal, rational situation, and do the opposite. Does that make any sense?

biminiblue

pnd, that still sounds like you trying to somehow manipulate the behavior of someone else.

I'm a big believer in saying my truth and then sticking to it, regardless of what anyone else says or does. Trying to "figure out" how to get a response that is more acceptable to me is like nailing jello to a tree.