AS lost apartment- about to be homeless-need to stay strong
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
AS lost apartment- about to be homeless-need to stay strong
My AS blew it and now has to leave his apartment, a low income, subsidized unit. He was given a second chance to stay there and just couldn't keep it together last night. He probably took a bunch of benzos, which is when he acts so nuts. He was cutting himself, yelling through the halls, screaming obscenities and derogartory comments, throwing things in his place. He had been depressed and hated living there, but knew he would have no where to go if he didn't stop this behavior. Today his manager called the police and ambulance. I can't believe he didn't get arrested or taken into the hospital for being a danger to himself or otheres!!! Given the fact he has nowhere to go and wanted to go to the hospital, I'm shocked that they felt he apparently didn't meet the criteria or that he managed to manipulate them again and talk himself out of being arrested or taken to the hospital. It would have been the best thing to happen to him. At least he could get some kind of help and maybe a court ordered rehab, but they let him go.
I've been having to back away more lately, but still helping him with getting to the store to get food, and I did give him $20. Other than that, I've been too busy to be involved with his stuff. He said he wanted to go to detox, but didn't make the calls himself. I made some inquiries and he could see someone next Tuesday. my AS was willing to go yesterday, but no one was at the center to evaluate him.
Damn!! So close, yet not and now he blew it. I was going to let him stay 1 nite at my place before all of this happened because he's been depressed, but he never responded to it anyway.
This is his pattern and during the last 5-6 years I have often let him stay at my place when he got out of jail, for drug court, when he got kicked out of rehab, when he got kicked out of sober living, etc. However, he knew going forward that this wouldn't be the case this time and had to make it work at his apt so at least he'd have somewhere to stay. The rent is only $50, but it is in a very impoverished part of downtown, known as Skid Row and he hated it. However, he has done the same thing everywhere he has been, in a hotel, in my place, ( it's too small, no privacy, etc), rehab, sober living, ...always the same pattern. He cannot live on his own. But, he can't live with me either. I already got kicked out of 1 place because of his behavior when he was living with me and i can't let it happen again. He probably figures that because I let him stay last time for a few months, that he can do it again, but I would be absolutely insane to do that, given how he is acting.
His disease is seriously progressing. He used to be able to maintain an illusion of keeping it together enough to further his denial, but cannot see the pattern of his insanity and continued using.
He had options to go to mental health, but feels they can't help him, since they won't give him the medication he wants. He had an option of staying somewhere else, other than his apartment, if he could keep it together, but never followed up. He was staying with his new girlfriend for a while, but blew that because her father didn't want him around since he was smoking and using heroin. Now she has also been kicke out since they broke up....
I am writing this to first remind myself of the insanity it has been for him and for me. He didn't like living there, so he had a fit and crazy episode and now can't I don't even think he'll wake up and know what happened.
I also have to be strong and not let him stay with me. he had a good situation but chose to make it messed up and blew it. If I let him stay with me, or even in my car, he'll never realize anything or change. I do see that. I know he'll try to use the fact that he wants to go to detox as an excuse to wait for a bed there at my place, but he had the chance to see about detox before this, and wouldn't go sooner.
I am frustrated and I do want to help him, but know I would not be helping him if I let him stay here or help with other solutions. he has to experience the consequences of his actions and maybe he'll seek help. Help is out there, whether he go to rehab or just get a bed in a shelter overnight. He has been through this before, but it only gets worse each time.
I'm also going out of the country for a couple of weeks in about 4 weeks, which he recently learned. I will not cancel my trip because he created a disaster.
i do feel guilty about giving his some money, but felt it wasn't that much so he could get cigarettes or something to eat. He has some money, (not much left) in the bank, so he would have done what he did anyway. I do feel a little guilty that he was having a hard time yesterday, but I was at work and in meetings an didn't have the time to talk to him. However, we've had countless conversations before when he's been down., much to no avail.
This is definitely a new road for both of us. I will have to stay strong. He can go to the shelters, stay with friends, go to rehab, or whatever, I guess. He will have to figure it out this time.
I just pray he doesn't come around my place making scenes. I will call the police if I have to.
I've been through so much with him and it has not really helped. Some say he is just playing me and working me to try to get back in my house and take care of everything for him. Maybe so. Because of the mental health component I have helped maybe more than I should. But if the police and ambulance didn't see the mental health issues, than I don't know what to think.
I had texted and called him earlier but no answer. I think he went back to his apt and probably passed out. He has to be out by Monday night. he signed a termination agreement so he wouldn't have an eviction on his record.
it is so very sad. He is a mess. He knows he can't live on his own, but won't go get help so he can. I have been backing off more and more lately, knowing this is what has to be done. Everytime I don't come to his rescue, like last night when he called, or other times, it gets like this...worse than ever, the very thing I've been trying to prevent, which I know is where the problem for me is. I guess his downfall is inevitable no matter what I try to do to keep things afloat for him and encourage him to do the same.
This is a real turning point and I need help to do the right thing and not enable him again. he hates being homeless and he hated being where he was, now he will have to figure it out and come up with the solutions. I pray he will seek healthy choices and help.
I've been having to back away more lately, but still helping him with getting to the store to get food, and I did give him $20. Other than that, I've been too busy to be involved with his stuff. He said he wanted to go to detox, but didn't make the calls himself. I made some inquiries and he could see someone next Tuesday. my AS was willing to go yesterday, but no one was at the center to evaluate him.
Damn!! So close, yet not and now he blew it. I was going to let him stay 1 nite at my place before all of this happened because he's been depressed, but he never responded to it anyway.
This is his pattern and during the last 5-6 years I have often let him stay at my place when he got out of jail, for drug court, when he got kicked out of rehab, when he got kicked out of sober living, etc. However, he knew going forward that this wouldn't be the case this time and had to make it work at his apt so at least he'd have somewhere to stay. The rent is only $50, but it is in a very impoverished part of downtown, known as Skid Row and he hated it. However, he has done the same thing everywhere he has been, in a hotel, in my place, ( it's too small, no privacy, etc), rehab, sober living, ...always the same pattern. He cannot live on his own. But, he can't live with me either. I already got kicked out of 1 place because of his behavior when he was living with me and i can't let it happen again. He probably figures that because I let him stay last time for a few months, that he can do it again, but I would be absolutely insane to do that, given how he is acting.
His disease is seriously progressing. He used to be able to maintain an illusion of keeping it together enough to further his denial, but cannot see the pattern of his insanity and continued using.
He had options to go to mental health, but feels they can't help him, since they won't give him the medication he wants. He had an option of staying somewhere else, other than his apartment, if he could keep it together, but never followed up. He was staying with his new girlfriend for a while, but blew that because her father didn't want him around since he was smoking and using heroin. Now she has also been kicke out since they broke up....
I am writing this to first remind myself of the insanity it has been for him and for me. He didn't like living there, so he had a fit and crazy episode and now can't I don't even think he'll wake up and know what happened.
I also have to be strong and not let him stay with me. he had a good situation but chose to make it messed up and blew it. If I let him stay with me, or even in my car, he'll never realize anything or change. I do see that. I know he'll try to use the fact that he wants to go to detox as an excuse to wait for a bed there at my place, but he had the chance to see about detox before this, and wouldn't go sooner.
I am frustrated and I do want to help him, but know I would not be helping him if I let him stay here or help with other solutions. he has to experience the consequences of his actions and maybe he'll seek help. Help is out there, whether he go to rehab or just get a bed in a shelter overnight. He has been through this before, but it only gets worse each time.
I'm also going out of the country for a couple of weeks in about 4 weeks, which he recently learned. I will not cancel my trip because he created a disaster.
i do feel guilty about giving his some money, but felt it wasn't that much so he could get cigarettes or something to eat. He has some money, (not much left) in the bank, so he would have done what he did anyway. I do feel a little guilty that he was having a hard time yesterday, but I was at work and in meetings an didn't have the time to talk to him. However, we've had countless conversations before when he's been down., much to no avail.
This is definitely a new road for both of us. I will have to stay strong. He can go to the shelters, stay with friends, go to rehab, or whatever, I guess. He will have to figure it out this time.
I just pray he doesn't come around my place making scenes. I will call the police if I have to.
I've been through so much with him and it has not really helped. Some say he is just playing me and working me to try to get back in my house and take care of everything for him. Maybe so. Because of the mental health component I have helped maybe more than I should. But if the police and ambulance didn't see the mental health issues, than I don't know what to think.
I had texted and called him earlier but no answer. I think he went back to his apt and probably passed out. He has to be out by Monday night. he signed a termination agreement so he wouldn't have an eviction on his record.
it is so very sad. He is a mess. He knows he can't live on his own, but won't go get help so he can. I have been backing off more and more lately, knowing this is what has to be done. Everytime I don't come to his rescue, like last night when he called, or other times, it gets like this...worse than ever, the very thing I've been trying to prevent, which I know is where the problem for me is. I guess his downfall is inevitable no matter what I try to do to keep things afloat for him and encourage him to do the same.
This is a real turning point and I need help to do the right thing and not enable him again. he hates being homeless and he hated being where he was, now he will have to figure it out and come up with the solutions. I pray he will seek healthy choices and help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Vaya, as a mother of an addict I know how painful this is for you to watch your son self-destruct.
He does have options...what he likes or doesn't like at this point doesn't matter. He has good options that don't include you. Detox may take him tomorrow, he can check himself into a hospital asserting that he feels he may harm himself or others, he can get into a Salvation Army rehab that is free and offers a very good program, he can go to meetings and maybe connect with someone there who can make suggestions that will help him.
My son didn't like those options either and chose to stay "out". But he knows where the real help is when he is ready to surrender and find a better path.
One suggestion...now that he knows you will be away, I would perhaps install an alarm system and notify the police that you are allowing nobody to stay at your place.
My prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
He does have options...what he likes or doesn't like at this point doesn't matter. He has good options that don't include you. Detox may take him tomorrow, he can check himself into a hospital asserting that he feels he may harm himself or others, he can get into a Salvation Army rehab that is free and offers a very good program, he can go to meetings and maybe connect with someone there who can make suggestions that will help him.
My son didn't like those options either and chose to stay "out". But he knows where the real help is when he is ready to surrender and find a better path.
One suggestion...now that he knows you will be away, I would perhaps install an alarm system and notify the police that you are allowing nobody to stay at your place.
My prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
vaya.....I hope that if he does ever go to rehab, again, that it will be to one which is geared to dual diagnosis and treatment.......
I think that you are wise to not let him back into the house. Remember that they are more resourceful than we think they are.....much more!
If he comes on the property..you can call the police to have him leave....without any arrest--if he is cooperative. (Don't let him enter your house, if you want him to be escorted away by police.....This is what I did with my son, at one point. The police had me sign a no trespass order for him that was good for 2yrs.
This was in Virginia. I don't know if this would apply to your area..but, you can always call and ask the police dept.
dandylion
I think that you are wise to not let him back into the house. Remember that they are more resourceful than we think they are.....much more!
If he comes on the property..you can call the police to have him leave....without any arrest--if he is cooperative. (Don't let him enter your house, if you want him to be escorted away by police.....This is what I did with my son, at one point. The police had me sign a no trespass order for him that was good for 2yrs.
This was in Virginia. I don't know if this would apply to your area..but, you can always call and ask the police dept.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
codependence is often, a minute to minute assessment. We ALL helped more than we should but it's a long learning curve. Keep looking forward and let your son face his choices. It's never easy but different when it's your child but I will say that my greatest regret was that I assisted my exABF on his path to destruction by 'helping'. I wish he was still alive cause now I will never know if I 'helped' too much. I just never wanted to be a part of the blame and guilt. I wish you strength to step back and love him from afar. It hurts a mothers heart. Hugs, Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Thankyou all. I heard this from both his housing advocate, a friend of mine who helped him get the place and is his emergency contact. When I couldn't reach him and didnt' know if he was in jail or hospital, after checking to see he wasn't, I called his manager who relayed the info to me.
As for alarms, I live in an apartment, so I don't think that's an option. My younger son stays with me,so when he is not traveling, he is in my apartment.
My AS called and I answered but he was incoherent. I ignored his first text because it was incoherent. Then he texted me about 8 times an hour later threatening suicide and that he was going to beat up his manager. Fortunately, I was exhausted and sleeping. (I had turned down volume on phone so i could rest) I texted back a couple of hours later telling him to control himself and there was the possibility his housing advocate might be able to work with him on options and I was sleeping.
I'm limiting contact. I will consider storing some of his things in my storage unit and want my tv and fan back. Otherwise he will have to clean up his mess or figure out what to do. Apparently he damaged a lot of things in the apartment, but he says the police did it when they raided his apartment.
He has to be out Monday since he signed a termination agreement, according to his manager.
I'm still shocked he wasn't arrested or taken to hospital, especiall since he had cuts on both arms. He was hospitalized just last month when he was arrested, but he was out in 2 days. It's not that easy anymore to seek help at the hospital, especially if you are using drugs. Psych ER will only keep you a day. If they wont' keep someone longer than that when the police do bring you there, trust me, it is not an option.
As for alarms, I live in an apartment, so I don't think that's an option. My younger son stays with me,so when he is not traveling, he is in my apartment.
My AS called and I answered but he was incoherent. I ignored his first text because it was incoherent. Then he texted me about 8 times an hour later threatening suicide and that he was going to beat up his manager. Fortunately, I was exhausted and sleeping. (I had turned down volume on phone so i could rest) I texted back a couple of hours later telling him to control himself and there was the possibility his housing advocate might be able to work with him on options and I was sleeping.
I'm limiting contact. I will consider storing some of his things in my storage unit and want my tv and fan back. Otherwise he will have to clean up his mess or figure out what to do. Apparently he damaged a lot of things in the apartment, but he says the police did it when they raided his apartment.
He has to be out Monday since he signed a termination agreement, according to his manager.
I'm still shocked he wasn't arrested or taken to hospital, especiall since he had cuts on both arms. He was hospitalized just last month when he was arrested, but he was out in 2 days. It's not that easy anymore to seek help at the hospital, especially if you are using drugs. Psych ER will only keep you a day. If they wont' keep someone longer than that when the police do bring you there, trust me, it is not an option.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Vaya, my heart just hurts for you. How hard this must be.
Stay strong.
You said this:
He had options to go to mental health, but feels they can't help him, since they won't give him the medication he wants. He had an option of staying somewhere else, other than his apartment, if he could keep it together, but never followed up. He was staying with his new girlfriend for a while, but blew that because her father didn't want him around since he was smoking and using heroin
You need to remember this. I am betting the police let him go b/c just like any addict and many mental health patients who are not even addicts, they can be very lucid at times. The hospitals are overrun and under funded, so they are not going to take them if they show even an ounce of lucidity, that is just the way it is. We all know they can immediately sober up and act like they are in control, for as long as that takes to get what they want.
As a mental health patient, or any other patient, you don't get to choose your drugs. Eventually, if he gets bad enough, he will realize that.
I too hope he finds help in a dual diagnosis facility. However, just like any facility, he would have to want the help, every single day, not just when he wants it.
Please stay strong, and please go on your trip when the time comes. You deserve that for yourself.
Many hugs.
Stay strong.
You said this:
He had options to go to mental health, but feels they can't help him, since they won't give him the medication he wants. He had an option of staying somewhere else, other than his apartment, if he could keep it together, but never followed up. He was staying with his new girlfriend for a while, but blew that because her father didn't want him around since he was smoking and using heroin
You need to remember this. I am betting the police let him go b/c just like any addict and many mental health patients who are not even addicts, they can be very lucid at times. The hospitals are overrun and under funded, so they are not going to take them if they show even an ounce of lucidity, that is just the way it is. We all know they can immediately sober up and act like they are in control, for as long as that takes to get what they want.
As a mental health patient, or any other patient, you don't get to choose your drugs. Eventually, if he gets bad enough, he will realize that.
I too hope he finds help in a dual diagnosis facility. However, just like any facility, he would have to want the help, every single day, not just when he wants it.
Please stay strong, and please go on your trip when the time comes. You deserve that for yourself.
Many hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
So sorry for what your son is going through Vaya.
My AS was homeless for about 9 months and stayed in various shelters in our area. Eventually he checked himself into a spin dry sort of detox (short) and agreed to a rehab/half-way house living arrangement. It was a stepping stone to his path of recovery.
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself to the best of your ability, don't fault yourself for $20, storing a few things or whatever other decisions/choices you make to help. We all have to do what feels right at the time - it won't be "perfect" but it will be the best choice you make at the time.
My thoughts are with you.
My AS was homeless for about 9 months and stayed in various shelters in our area. Eventually he checked himself into a spin dry sort of detox (short) and agreed to a rehab/half-way house living arrangement. It was a stepping stone to his path of recovery.
Sounds like you are taking care of yourself to the best of your ability, don't fault yourself for $20, storing a few things or whatever other decisions/choices you make to help. We all have to do what feels right at the time - it won't be "perfect" but it will be the best choice you make at the time.
My thoughts are with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
thank you for your support. JMF...I appreciate what you esaid. AS is supposed to turn in keys tomorrow morning, but will ask for something in writing.Then he can file for hearing in court, which will buy some time and hopefully help him realize he has to stop his insane behavior and yelling. He has so much anger. He may win case due to mental health issues, but judge would order him to go to mental health regularly, which would be a blessing.
I've had migraines for the last 3 days since this happened, despite not trying to worry or micromanage. Wasn't able to even function yesterday or help him pack some of his stuff.
I have a friend who is his housing advocate and will help with court. My AS seems to respond well to him. So glad he has someone who can help him with this. I will pay him some money for his time.
So glad it's not at crisis level right now and I can catch my breath and back off a bit. Just have to get through the conversation with manager tomorrow with him about getting something in writing. He's so anxious about it.
I've had migraines for the last 3 days since this happened, despite not trying to worry or micromanage. Wasn't able to even function yesterday or help him pack some of his stuff.
I have a friend who is his housing advocate and will help with court. My AS seems to respond well to him. So glad he has someone who can help him with this. I will pay him some money for his time.
So glad it's not at crisis level right now and I can catch my breath and back off a bit. Just have to get through the conversation with manager tomorrow with him about getting something in writing. He's so anxious about it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 167
prayers to you ! I am sorry for what you are going thru. I too have a son in active addiction. Hugs to you! Catch your breathe! I have learned that helping so much I was working the program more than my son...finally with lots of meetings and courage I stepped back So glad you have someone willing to help keep coming back to this site it has saved my soul many times thru the years
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Just have to get through the conversation with manager tomorrow with him about getting something in writing. He's so anxious about it.
Wasn't able to even function yesterday or help him pack some of his stuff.
vaya, why is this YOUR problem? he brought all of this on himself.....all of these things may be important to you.....but have you ever considered HE doesn't care? and he knows he doesn't have to take the lead because you will???
I'm limiting contact. I will consider storing some of his things in my storage unit and want my tv and fan back. Otherwise he will have to clean up his mess or figure out what to do.
Wasn't able to even function yesterday or help him pack some of his stuff.
vaya, why is this YOUR problem? he brought all of this on himself.....all of these things may be important to you.....but have you ever considered HE doesn't care? and he knows he doesn't have to take the lead because you will???
I'm limiting contact. I will consider storing some of his things in my storage unit and want my tv and fan back. Otherwise he will have to clean up his mess or figure out what to do.
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