CentralOhioDad

Here is today's:
Letting Go of Old Beliefs

Try harder. Do better. Be perfect.

These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we've done.

Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.

We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.

We can be who we are and do it the way we do it - today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.

Higher Power, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.

My question is: how can we do this without falling into mediocrity? And, how do I teach my 6 yr old DS this, while at the same time making sure that he does strive to be/do his best? I understand the message, but I can see the pitfalls as well.

FireSprite

Well, in yoga I learned to honor myself first in my practice & give my best every session, knowing that my best may change day to day. That means embracing myself fully includes understanding that I'll have "off" days or moments that affect what my Personal Best IS from day to day. It doesn't mean I work less hard or strive for less it just means that I keep an awareness & compensate for things like illness, injury, mental health needs . That's the way *I* interpret this reading as well.

DD is a straight-A student, but this last year I was far more proud of the solid B she earned on her Science Final because she worked harder for it, struggled more with the material & put her best into every step of preparing for the exam. She learned a LOT along the way about her fears, the course work, etc. (Science as a separate class is new to them at the 6th grade level, so she had no point of reference with it the way she did math/reading/etc.) She put far MORE of her personal best into THAT exercise than many of the easy-A's she earned throughout the rest of the year.

dandylion

COD......I don't think that there is one simple answer to your question......I think that there are so many factors that go into raising a child with a healthy self esteem.....books could be written on this!

One thing that h its my mind..off the top...is not to be overly critical of the child...and not to role model criticism of others, yourself.....
I think it helps to recognize and supports the strengths that you child has.....

That is all I've got, right now, COD.....lol....

dandylion

FireSprite

And don't forget that as we grow & learn more, we do better. My best today is far better than my best 5 years ago but that doesn't negate those efforts made way-back-when or make them any less of my best effort at the time.

theuncertainty

This is one I struggle with a lot, too. I definitely have tendencies towards perfectionism and I see it how it's affected my self-esteem my whole life. Which in turn played a fairly large part in how long I stayed with AXH. My tendency with situations that went off less-than-perfectly is to examine, in minute detail, what I may have done wrong - or at least what I could have done better. I don't hold others to that standard, and no one is holding me to my own standard, but "What could I have done better?" or just "I could have done better" is a constant litany in my mind. And with that there was always a bit of room for doubt in myself... and AXH played on that.

I see tendencies towards wanting things to be perfect in DS11, to some extent, also. And I definitely didn't want to instill in him the same self-doubt. (Unfortunately, none of the perfectionist trend is applied to how clean his room is.) OTOH, some of my cousins, who are quite a bit younger, tend to drive me absolutely buggy with their more lackadaisical approach to school or work, and I don't want DS to be complacent with just getting by.

How to teach DS the distinction between "doing your best" and expecting to handle things perfectly is really hard, because I have a hard time seeing where the balance-point is.

CentralOhioDad

Right - I don't expect DS to be perfect, but I expect him to be better next year at (name the subject/activity) than he is today. I push for trying your best. I don't want complacency of "this is as good as I'm going to be".

Liveitwell

^ word for word, TU. I fall into the same thing and do absolutely see how it kept me stuck with AXH. I am so much more relaxed with myself today...although doing more and taking part in life! The last few years of recovery and hard work on me and getting out of my marriage has unveiled a whole new person-and someone that still struggles with the some of the same things BUT I see them, accept them, have tools to work through them and know they won't direct my actions if I can work them. I too worry about my oldest on this subject-I see a LOT of perfection striving in her and while I wabt her to do her best, of course, I also want her to have a laid back accept herself attitude-but not be a slacker! I don't know where that happy medium is, either.

dandylion

COD.....he is probably going to copy you, to a great extent.....

LOL....when the child is very young, I think that parents tend to reach for the stars in their aspirations for their kids....and, tend to see them as an extention of ourselves...and our own ego....
But, by the time that they grow up...we are content (grateful) if they are happy and healthy.....

dandylion