Feeling low priority
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Feeling low priority
When I think of all the statements my STBAX was able to get from people he barely knew (gas station attendants, a worker at Tru Value, cashier at grocery store) saying what a great father he is and that they've hardly ever seen me with the kids- I just want to scream that my family members, who have witnessed him being abusive to me and the kids, witnessed him being careless with guns and pills, are dragging their feet about getting their statements in. They just don't have the time! Aaargh!
And today I called my mom to have her email the report from the social worker from when my son ingested one of my STBAX's pills. This report is probably the most important piece of evidence I have- STBAX was caught lying to the social worker and staff, was acting erratic and paranoid, and it's also documented therein that I was hoping they'd take his guns away because he was careless and I didn't think he was mentally healthy enough to own them. Of course, they never took them away (the police officers were friends of STBAX) and there were 2 more instances afterward where he left them within my children's reach.
Anyway, I asked my mom to email it to me (it was mailed to her house) and she just acts huffy, saying, "Well, I'll try to find it.. I don't know." What do you mean "try" to find it? You find it! These are my kids we're talking about. Mediation is just days away!
And then my aunt who witnessed STBAX making terrible threats to the kids doesn't think she can testify because she has to work. I don't give a crap about your work, I will subpoena you! This is my kids' future at stake- how dare these people care less about me than strangers do him?
And my lawyer is giving me the runaround, too.
And today I called my mom to have her email the report from the social worker from when my son ingested one of my STBAX's pills. This report is probably the most important piece of evidence I have- STBAX was caught lying to the social worker and staff, was acting erratic and paranoid, and it's also documented therein that I was hoping they'd take his guns away because he was careless and I didn't think he was mentally healthy enough to own them. Of course, they never took them away (the police officers were friends of STBAX) and there were 2 more instances afterward where he left them within my children's reach.
Anyway, I asked my mom to email it to me (it was mailed to her house) and she just acts huffy, saying, "Well, I'll try to find it.. I don't know." What do you mean "try" to find it? You find it! These are my kids we're talking about. Mediation is just days away!
And then my aunt who witnessed STBAX making terrible threats to the kids doesn't think she can testify because she has to work. I don't give a crap about your work, I will subpoena you! This is my kids' future at stake- how dare these people care less about me than strangers do him?
And my lawyer is giving me the runaround, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
I'm so so so sorry for what you are going through. It breaks my heart.
I went through something very similar with my xah. He had successfully turned my friends, family and even church pastor away from me. He likewise had many character references from people I never thought possible. My pastor even sent a letter to the judge! I had gone to my pastor 30 times to get help from my husbands horrible abuse. ( my husband was diagnosed as antisocial and narcissistic) So he operated at a level of evil I could never comprehend.
My own parents who hated him while we were together at the last minute ignored me and took his side! Crazy! To this day years later I have never had contact with my parents again. And my ex is back in jail on serious drug charges besides having been in and out of jail all these years.
I literally had to leave the home I owned behind and everything we owned. Throw some clothes into black trash bags, drove 10 hours out of state to a safe house. (the safe house in my state would not allow me to have my 12 yr old son with me so I had to go somewhere that would take in all my kids) We lived at the safe house for 4 months. I had the police from my original state threatening me with warrants for my arrest for kidnapping. My own parents had turned there back on me, so many in my faith community judged me. I had no money, nothing.
BUT you know what I was blessed and everything worked out. I received a two yr order of protection, full custody, he has supervised visits. Although he has never tried to see them. We now live in a big beautiful house. I love the state I moved to.
Although after two years of being single I feel back into the clutches of another abusive addict and am now going through a break up with him.
Just keep fighting for your kids, have faith in right, and justice, and good working out.
The addicts and abusers are so good at being charming and they spin these stories that cause others to just melt into whatever they want.
Take care! And your right you do DESERVE the people who should be on your side to care and speak up for you and your kids and I hope you get that.
I went through something very similar with my xah. He had successfully turned my friends, family and even church pastor away from me. He likewise had many character references from people I never thought possible. My pastor even sent a letter to the judge! I had gone to my pastor 30 times to get help from my husbands horrible abuse. ( my husband was diagnosed as antisocial and narcissistic) So he operated at a level of evil I could never comprehend.
My own parents who hated him while we were together at the last minute ignored me and took his side! Crazy! To this day years later I have never had contact with my parents again. And my ex is back in jail on serious drug charges besides having been in and out of jail all these years.
I literally had to leave the home I owned behind and everything we owned. Throw some clothes into black trash bags, drove 10 hours out of state to a safe house. (the safe house in my state would not allow me to have my 12 yr old son with me so I had to go somewhere that would take in all my kids) We lived at the safe house for 4 months. I had the police from my original state threatening me with warrants for my arrest for kidnapping. My own parents had turned there back on me, so many in my faith community judged me. I had no money, nothing.
BUT you know what I was blessed and everything worked out. I received a two yr order of protection, full custody, he has supervised visits. Although he has never tried to see them. We now live in a big beautiful house. I love the state I moved to.
Although after two years of being single I feel back into the clutches of another abusive addict and am now going through a break up with him.
Just keep fighting for your kids, have faith in right, and justice, and good working out.
The addicts and abusers are so good at being charming and they spin these stories that cause others to just melt into whatever they want.
Take care! And your right you do DESERVE the people who should be on your side to care and speak up for you and your kids and I hope you get that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
It's shocking how people can be so ignorant and hurtful! But as a mom you know what's best for your kids and no matter what you will prevail in the end because your kids safety and happiness will always be your number one priority. People will try to break you down and form their own opinion of you. But what I'm always told is what others think of you is none of your business. Hold your head high and don't let anyone get in your way of your happiness and your children's. I'm so sorry you are going through this though. I'm in the calm before the storm and I know it's going to get ugly on my end as well. Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: My Hive
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by sunshine1234 
also just wanted to let both of you ladies know that i always like to read your posts because you both seem so incredibly strong and are inspiring to me!! ❤️❤️
Last edited by Queenbee7; 06-20-2016 at 12:45 PM. Reason: Put in CAPS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by Queenbee7
I'm so so so sorry for what you are going through. It breaks my heart.
I went through something very similar with my xah. He had successfully turned my friends, family and even church pastor away from me. He likewise had many character references from people I never thought possible. My pastor even sent a letter to the judge! I had gone to my pastor 30 times to get help from my husbands horrible abuse. ( my husband was diagnosed as antisocial and narcissistic) So he operated at a level of evil I could never comprehend.
My own parents who hated him while we were together at the last minute ignored me and took his side! Crazy! To this day years later I have never had contact with my parents again. And my ex is back in jail on serious drug charges besides having been in and out of jail all these years.
I literally had to leave the home I owned behind and everything we owned. Throw some clothes into black trash bags, drove 10 hours out of state to a safe house. (the safe house in my state would not allow me to have my 12 yr old son with me so I had to go somewhere that would take in all my kids) We lived at the safe house for 4 months. I had the police from my original state threatening me with warrants for my arrest for kidnapping. My own parents had turned there back on me, so many in my faith community judged me. I had no money, nothing.
BUT you know what I was blessed and everything worked out. I received a two yr order of protection, full custody, he has supervised visits. Although he has never tried to see them. We now live in a big beautiful house. I love the state I moved to.
Although after two years of being single I feel back into the clutches of another abusive addict and am now going through a break up with him.
Just keep fighting for your kids, have faith in right, and justice, and good working out.
The addicts and abusers are so good at being charming and they spin these stories that cause others to just melt into whatever they want.
Take care! And your right you do DESERVE the people who should be on your side to care and speak up for you and your kids and I hope you get that.
I went through something very similar with my xah. He had successfully turned my friends, family and even church pastor away from me. He likewise had many character references from people I never thought possible. My pastor even sent a letter to the judge! I had gone to my pastor 30 times to get help from my husbands horrible abuse. ( my husband was diagnosed as antisocial and narcissistic) So he operated at a level of evil I could never comprehend.
My own parents who hated him while we were together at the last minute ignored me and took his side! Crazy! To this day years later I have never had contact with my parents again. And my ex is back in jail on serious drug charges besides having been in and out of jail all these years.
I literally had to leave the home I owned behind and everything we owned. Throw some clothes into black trash bags, drove 10 hours out of state to a safe house. (the safe house in my state would not allow me to have my 12 yr old son with me so I had to go somewhere that would take in all my kids) We lived at the safe house for 4 months. I had the police from my original state threatening me with warrants for my arrest for kidnapping. My own parents had turned there back on me, so many in my faith community judged me. I had no money, nothing.
BUT you know what I was blessed and everything worked out. I received a two yr order of protection, full custody, he has supervised visits. Although he has never tried to see them. We now live in a big beautiful house. I love the state I moved to.
Although after two years of being single I feel back into the clutches of another abusive addict and am now going through a break up with him.
Just keep fighting for your kids, have faith in right, and justice, and good working out.
The addicts and abusers are so good at being charming and they spin these stories that cause others to just melt into whatever they want.
Take care! And your right you do DESERVE the people who should be on your side to care and speak up for you and your kids and I hope you get that.
Thank you for sharing this. It's just what I needed to hear. It is amazing what narcissists are able to accomplish- they won't take no for an answer, and are adept at manipulating people into doing their bidding. But it sounds like the court saw through his shenanigans, and that's so wonderful.
It's so frustrating, though. I've become pretty close with my neighbor, so I confided in her and told her all that's happened. She was very sympathetic and didn't seem to question me. But then a few weeks later we were talking about some of the same things, and she said, "Well, there's two sides to every story". Obviously, she spoke to him and is now questioning what I told her. I wanted to run inside and grab all the paperwork I have, all the documents that prove he's stolen my identity, endangered my kids- but that would just make me look crazy, wouldn't it?
And I'm so sorry that you fell for another addict. That is one of my biggest fears. I'm glad you're getting out of that relationship now.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Gosh this thread was such a trigger for me.
I remember my nanny once was unhappy because I didn't eat all of my sandwich at school. For that reason alone, she started beating me up with her shoe. My aunt watched the whole thing go down and didn't move a finger to help me.
When my psychopathic cousin threatened to kill me, she didn't say anything either. But neither did my dad, because he was expecting her to say something and she didn't.
I think it's a normal human reaction not to stir up trouble or fuss, even if the stakes are high. People really do want to see the best in people, even if the worst is being shoved right in their face.
Your kids will know that you fought for them, and that means a LOT, even as others let them down.
Maybe it's because I'm all triggery and antsy now, but as I read your post I couldn't help but thing - God Forbid, if anything happens to those kids, all those people who turned away from you will have blood on their hands. Unfortunately, I think saying that to them will just make you look crazy and drive them further away.
In regards to the report, could the social worker send it directly to you? Can he/she testify on your behalf?
I remember my nanny once was unhappy because I didn't eat all of my sandwich at school. For that reason alone, she started beating me up with her shoe. My aunt watched the whole thing go down and didn't move a finger to help me.
When my psychopathic cousin threatened to kill me, she didn't say anything either. But neither did my dad, because he was expecting her to say something and she didn't.
I think it's a normal human reaction not to stir up trouble or fuss, even if the stakes are high. People really do want to see the best in people, even if the worst is being shoved right in their face.
Your kids will know that you fought for them, and that means a LOT, even as others let them down.
Maybe it's because I'm all triggery and antsy now, but as I read your post I couldn't help but thing - God Forbid, if anything happens to those kids, all those people who turned away from you will have blood on their hands. Unfortunately, I think saying that to them will just make you look crazy and drive them further away.
In regards to the report, could the social worker send it directly to you? Can he/she testify on your behalf?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs
And then my aunt who witnessed STBAX making terrible threats to the kids doesn't think she can testify because she has to work. I don't give a crap about your work, I will subpoena you! This is my kids' future at stake- how dare these people care less about me than strangers do him?
And my lawyer is giving me the runaround, too.
And my lawyer is giving me the runaround, too.
You are doing great!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
Gosh this thread was such a trigger for me.
I remember my nanny once was unhappy because I didn't eat all of my sandwich at school. For that reason alone, she started beating me up with her shoe. My aunt watched the whole thing go down and didn't move a finger to help me.
When my psychopathic cousin threatened to kill me, she didn't say anything either. But neither did my dad, because he was expecting her to say something and she didn't.
I think it's a normal human reaction not to stir up trouble or fuss, even if the stakes are high. People really do want to see the best in people, even if the worst is being shoved right in their face.
Your kids will know that you fought for them, and that means a LOT, even as others let them down.
Maybe it's because I'm all triggery and antsy now, but as I read your post I couldn't help but thing - God Forbid, if anything happens to those kids, all those people who turned away from you will have blood on their hands. Unfortunately, I think saying that to them will just make you look crazy and drive them further away.
In regards to the report, could the social worker send it directly to you? Can he/she testify on your behalf?
I remember my nanny once was unhappy because I didn't eat all of my sandwich at school. For that reason alone, she started beating me up with her shoe. My aunt watched the whole thing go down and didn't move a finger to help me.
When my psychopathic cousin threatened to kill me, she didn't say anything either. But neither did my dad, because he was expecting her to say something and she didn't.
I think it's a normal human reaction not to stir up trouble or fuss, even if the stakes are high. People really do want to see the best in people, even if the worst is being shoved right in their face.
Your kids will know that you fought for them, and that means a LOT, even as others let them down.
Maybe it's because I'm all triggery and antsy now, but as I read your post I couldn't help but thing - God Forbid, if anything happens to those kids, all those people who turned away from you will have blood on their hands. Unfortunately, I think saying that to them will just make you look crazy and drive them further away.
In regards to the report, could the social worker send it directly to you? Can he/she testify on your behalf?
I'm so sorry to hear all that you went through. I'm realizing now that I failed to advocate for my children. I made a whole lot of empty threats, but what I should have done was leave a long, long time ago. By the grace of God my kids are alive and well today. I hope to protect them better from now on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I'm realizing now that I failed to advocate for my children. I made a whole lot of empty threats, but what I should have done was leave a long, long time ago.
I've said this before, but when I finally told people what happened - my dad thought I should forgive my nanny, but my mom backed me up right away. So for that I'm eternally grateful.
Your kids see you fighting now and in the future - they will remember your bravery, and they'll also acknowledge how hard it must have been for you.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sending a massive bear hug your way. I had a similar experience. My ex (actually his wife) ran around getting people to write and sign all kinds of statements for him and against me. Almost all of it was flat out lies, some verging on ridiculous. Some of it really hurt though, and the apathy from those who "didn't want to get involved" hurt most of all. I have forgiven it, because otherwise I would waste my time being angry. But I no longer trust any of them or consider them friends. It was a very eye opening experience, to say the least.
In the end it was all sound and fury, signifying nothing. None of that crap ever saw the light of day once we got to the courtroom. I still get a little snarky thrill of satisfaction at the mental picture of his wife lugging an overstuffed shopping bag filled with reams of paper through the courthouse. All the statements and whatever she ran around spending untold hours of her life gathering. The stuff they were absolutely convinced would "win" the case (the definition of win being that he got to drink during visitation).
The judge excluded everything but his criminal record and my testimony. He saw very clearly that the only thing I was really after was either some type of alcohol treatment or sobriety monitoring. Everything my ex did to fight it backfired. Honestly, who but an alcoholic would argue that they needed to be able to drink while they were taking care of a child? I hope you find mediators and judges with that same wisdom in your case. You really are fighting the good fight here. Stay strong. We are here for you.
In the end it was all sound and fury, signifying nothing. None of that crap ever saw the light of day once we got to the courtroom. I still get a little snarky thrill of satisfaction at the mental picture of his wife lugging an overstuffed shopping bag filled with reams of paper through the courthouse. All the statements and whatever she ran around spending untold hours of her life gathering. The stuff they were absolutely convinced would "win" the case (the definition of win being that he got to drink during visitation).
The judge excluded everything but his criminal record and my testimony. He saw very clearly that the only thing I was really after was either some type of alcohol treatment or sobriety monitoring. Everything my ex did to fight it backfired. Honestly, who but an alcoholic would argue that they needed to be able to drink while they were taking care of a child? I hope you find mediators and judges with that same wisdom in your case. You really are fighting the good fight here. Stay strong. We are here for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
