theTHINman

So I've been struggling with substance abuse for about five years now. I've always drank to excess for as long as I can remember, but then the pills (vicodin, benzos) really took hold within the past few years. One big reason that I really got into them (apart from being an addict) was that my wife has bpd/npd and it really puts a strain on our relationship. Sometimes checking out with a few pills and drinks was the only way I knew how to deal. Anyway, around Christmas we were really having some problems and her mother was in town and I ended up getting black out for the holiday. Don't remember much of it but I apparently was stumbling and even bumped into our 2 1/2 year-old daughter at one point. After that horrifying experience I told her "never again" but then proceeded to take xanax and get drunk on her birthday and left her alone to eat by herself on her own birthday. Smh. "I'm so sorry, never again," I said. Then, that weekend I did the same thing when we rented a house with some friends out of town. "So, so sorry. That's not me. It's the drugs. Never again. Completely quit drinking (still took pills on occasion, like an idiot) for a few months and arranged for us to take a trip to Mexico with some friends. Made up my mind not to drink during the vacation, in part because I wanted to be the best person I could for her and also because by now I can't handle drinking, what with withdrawals and the whole kindling thing. But, the addict in me thought that it would be a good idea to order some benzos online so that If I wanted to I could drink an occasional drink and not have to deal with any nightmarish symptoms. I think you all know where this is going.

Ended up getting black out the first night of our trip and called her some nasty names and basically acted like an *******. For the rest of the trip I continued to take pills and drink but did not approach that level of shitbaggery. Now that we're home she says that she can't trust me and is tired of hearing "I've changed, please believe me. Stay with me. This won't happen again." She says that she is now just numb to the whole situation and needs time to think about whether or not she wants to be with me in the future. Luckily she's going home to NY for two months (July, August) with our daughter - it's an annual thing they do and I come up to visit on late July - so that will give her some time to think about things and me time to clean up my act and re-evaluate my priorities. Honestly, living with her is so goddamn difficult sometimes that a part of me wants to be done, but another part of me loves her and wants this to work. I also love our daughter to death and want what's best for her.

Just completely and utterly stunned and paralyzed right now and wanted to get this off my chest. I'm still not quite right from that binge in Mexico, even though we got back and I quite drinking on May 29. Scared, confused and feeling a TON of regret and shame. Any advice from some fellow screw-ups?

biminiblue

Best way to heal from that nightmare is to quit the drugs and alcohol. You've lost the war. Time to hoist the white flag.

Everything gets better with sobriety. E v e r y t h i n g.

Welcome to the site.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR thinMan and thanks for sharing your story. While it's unique there are common elements that we all have endured. You'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

As far as advice, the best I can give is to do whatever you can to get and stay fully sober. It's the only way to have a chance to repair the damage and move forward in a positive manner. As your wife clearly stated, words are kind of useless from an addict...only actually sobriety can make a difference.

Congrats on quitting drinking, have you cut out the benzos yet?

Anna

Yes, my husband and kids wouldn't listen to anything I said at the end of my drinking days. It took a lot of patience and time and staying sober. It sounds like you're ready to make a decision to stop using drugs and alcohol. I hope so. Is your wife being treated for bpd?

Soberwolf

Welcome

theTHINman

Thanks to all for the warm welcome/good advice. Still feeling very skittish and confused, but I'll muscle through. To answer your question, Scott, I have cut out the benzos and do not plan on touching another one for as long as I live. They, along with alcohol, have done nothing but contribute to the downward spiral of my life. As to your query, Anna, my wife has not received treatment for the bpd/npd stuff but is aware that she has it and has even read a book on the subject. I find this very frustrating at times, being married to someone that has a problem, knows they have said problem, but doesn't feel the need to work on or address the issue. Her rages, put-downs and mood swings, I think, would drive even Gandhi to drink.

tate9685

Not sure what bpd/npd is. I would guess bipolar disorder? I am an alcoholic and vicodin and xanax addict too and have lived with a bipolar individual. They can really exacerbate your disease and stress you out. Your poor daughter. That is my first thought. It would be in everyone's best interest most likely if you two were to split for awhile and work on yourself and then you can re-asses your relationship with your wife. Ever been to rehab?

Delilah1

Just wanted to welcome you to SR.:-)

FreeOwl

I also lived with a BPD for 5 years... was married to her for about 3.

I ended that relationship when she abducted our children.

I understand the strain it takes, living with someone who is plagued with mental and personality disorder - especially when (like my ex) they won't get treatment for it.

I also understand how easy it can be to try and escape into drugs and alcohol.

I can assure you, though.... it doesn't work as a sustainable solution.

The best thing you can give her - and more importantly yourself - is sobriety. Having a couple of months to just focus on YOU and on embracing sobriety and showing a change might be just the thing for you. You can't change what's been done, and you can't really blame her for being tired of hearing the same old "I'm sorry I promise I'll change".

But you CAN decide to actually change. You CAN change. You CAN commit to sobriety and give it everything you've got to live a happier, fuller, deeper life. From there - you can be present and positive and happy regardless of what happens with your relationship. I'd start with a focus on what you CAN change - and that's you. And that's your decisions. And you will improve your life.... and you will SHOW her that you're willing to change by actually living that change.

It's not easy to live with a BPD.

But then again - how must it feel to live with an active addict who keeps saying he's going to change but then turns in performances like you've shared with us here? Hard enough, living life with BPD - then you have to deal with a partner who cannot be present, who is turning to oblivion to deal with his stress, who keeps on triggering your BPD with scary behaviors?

We have to try and see their side, too.... because they have a valid perspective regardless of their own disorders.

FreeOwl

If you've read up on it much, you'll know that one of the frustrating hallmarks of BPD is an unwillingness to seek treatment.

There is a good support group online at BPD Family

chickippo

honestly? can we stop making generalisations about BPD?

i have it. i'm in the UK. there is no treatment here for BPD. i have it due to severe abuse and neglect from my rich, alcoholic parents. it is not a catch-all term for bad behaviour.

theTHINman

I have not been to rehab but I'm not opposed to the idea, tate. Problem is that I run a business and taking a month off is just not an option right now. The kindling thing is kind of blessing because at this point I simply cannot drink without some serious, serious fallout, and that's a scary enough incentive to not pick up the bottle ever again. As to the bpd thing, FreeOwl, I am not trying to put this whole thing on her, as I know that living with an addict like me can be just as frustrating and tiring as her own illness. I completely understand her need for space and time right now. Just hard to let something go and not be able to control it. But all I can do at this point is, like you all said, concentrate on my sobriety and spend this time away from my family working on myself.

FreeOwl

No offense intended. Just sharing my own experience in living with a person who had chronic stress disorder, severe anxiety and BPD. She ceased all treatment and it was very difficult.

This led me to a lot of self-education to understand BPD and while no statements can be made that apply to EVERY person who suffers BPD, I have learned that there are a lot of commonalities, and acknowledging those commonalities can be helpful in understanding and coping with them.

The main point was that the OP needs to focus on himSELF, and that it also cannot be doing a partner with BPD much good, having to deal with an active alcoholic as a partner.

KissMyTiara

You sound like my best friend of 7 years. He struggled with pills and alcoholism for 40 years. Got it under control about 8 years ago. But last Oct he was back at it. Blamed a lot on his wife who has cancer. Started getting black out by Nov. March 5 this year was found OD in his car in a parking garage. Was in the hospital with major complication for 5 days. Got out and went to inpatient rehab for 30 days. Got out and back into AA. Five days after that totaled his car. And on May 23, 3 weeks ago today he OD on benzos and alcohol for the final time. He was found unresponsive and dead in his home by his wife and 18 yo son.

He didn't want to die. He was only 58. This is what can happen.

theTHINman

So sorry to hear about your friend. I'm well aware of just how bad this can get if I let it go unchecked, but I've pretty much come to peace with the fact that I can never, ever do this stuff again. Accepting that is actually easier right now than accepting the fact that I might have permanently sabotaged my marriage and am responsible for such an epic failure. If ever there was a trigger, this is it. BUT, I refuse to let this thing beat me. All I can do is play the tape forward to a year from now and picture myself happy to just be myself and not dragged down by any of this ugliness ever again. I will always have my daughter, that won't change, and I want to be in the best possible place for her.

hopeful4

I hope you put the wellbeing of your child as your #1 choice. If you ask yourself what is best for your child, all the other decisions will fall into place.

theTHINman

Yes. This. This is what it all comes down to.

hopeful4

It really is. Your child did not choose you, or your wife, as a parent. That child needs stability, and good parenting. Your child is your responsibility, so when you are making ANY decisions in life, how it will affect that child must be #1 in your choice. Let that guide you and you will always do what is right.

Hugs.