NotSoIvory

I feel like such a hopeless case. I just dont seem to be able to stick to a decision. It so friggin hard. Its a love hate relationship with alcohol and I cant trust myself. On day 1 I want sobriety more than anything but a couple days later I just want a drink more than anything and all of my reasons fly out the window and flee my memory and it seems like some great idea... It's absolutely nonsensical.

"Just a few to take the edge off." How do I keep falling into that trap? That almost always leads to a twelve pack or more... among other things if I get especially carried away that day. Agh. This will be the death of me most likely. My lungs hurt. My fingers are twitching. Headaches, insomnia. Another entire day wasted feeling sick and in bed (or as I like to refer to it as my torture chamber) trying to replay the events from the night before worried of what I may or may not have said or done 12, 13, 14 in.

I hate this anxiety so much. The alcohol eases it but then makes it worse. Its like living in my own personal prison. Even when I get a little sober time it still feels like a prison because I cant function like everyone else, particularly socially. I mean, it is bad. For me, AA has been good for a listen but I am terrified of speaking and the relationships throw me into severe anxiety. It's hard for me to tell which is worse sometimes: The struggle to be sober and functioning in society or the struggle to continue the way I am going.

I'm setting out to try yet again but I am feeling so discouraged in myself and not very confident after all of my attempts. Not sure if I can even classify it as progress. 5 months sober was like a decade, so tough. (kinda a long time ago by now) It's overwhelming to think about. One day is overwhelming sometimes. The time wasted being drunk or hungover has been *literally* well over a decade and has cost me in so many ways to stay on this insatiable merry go round.

It's always there with me. Whether I give in or not. Haunting and hounding me. I am a slave to this twisted obsession.

I feel stuck. My coping mechanisms are faulty. My wiring is faulty, broken. Constantly at war with my two selves. I am lost, encumbered, sad, afraid sometimes and so very, very tired...

So much time wasted and I am having trouble seeing the end of it. If there is one... If you cant trust yourself, who can you trust?

I am not a religious person... At all. So the higher power restoring my sanity? I just can't get past that one for me personally. (Please understand that I don't mean to offend anyone with a different perspective by saying that.) I don't know if there is a meaning or purpose to this life... If there is, I struggle to find it.

The community on this website is the closest thing I have found to a power greater than myself. So even though I feel ashamed to keep coming back after relapse *again*, here I am despite myself.

Anyway, I could really use some kind of guidance or insight if you have it. Thanks all in advance.

Opivotal

I fought that war in my head for quite some time, NotSoIvory. Support made all the difference for me.

Your HP can be anything, doesn't have to be anything religious. There are other programs, have you considered one of those? AVRT, Smart Recovery, LifeRing or Rational Recovery?

Maybe a combination, try to find something that works for you. I couldn't get sober on my own.

Please never be ashamed to come here and post.

We understand and want to lend support.

Hevyn

Hi NotSoIvory. I'm really glad you posted your thoughts - I had the same ambivalent relationship with alcohol. It took me a long time to admit that even one drink led to danger & chaos. Once I got over the idea that I'd ever be a social drinker - I was able to begin healing. Being here to talk things over made all the difference for me. We're never alone.

doggonecarl

That sounds like despair, not lack of religion.

When quitting is as difficult as you are finding it, doing it alone is hard. I hope you will seek out support. If not AA, something. SR is enough for a lot of people, but you have to be able to leverage it in a way to support your decison to quit. And you can't cave the first time the thought of drinking enters your head.

That's why a recovery plan is always suggested. A plan to deal with all the difficulties of early sobriety, getting through the cravings, and putting your life back in order.

oldsoul1122

There's a Secular Recovery in the Forums list where people have used Rational Recovery. If you go to the Rational Recovery.com site there's an explanation of that ambivalence and how to deal with the addictive voice. There's a "crash course" that only takes a few minutes to read.

zoomi

I always face that trouble! it's very hard but you just have to realize that you can't drink!! and then go from there. you will have to bust your ass!! go to a.a take it one day at a time one minute at a time if you have to really.

you have to fight this fight like I have to, and keep trying everytime you fall. if we don't fight it inevitable it will lead to death, jail or a wasted life.

eat healthy and try working out then try to make a effort in a.a

stay strong

sugarbear1

I'm not religious, either, but I was stuck and didn't know what to do. This woman helped guide me through the steps and I just worked them with all the willingness I could muster. steps 4 and 5 helped me see my patterns of behavior and 6 and 7 helped to relieve me of those cravings and obsession to use.

That is when I realized there IS something more powerful than me in the world. Call it what you want, I try not to label it, for now. Something has helped me NOT to have cravings or obsessions since then.

Lorax1981

Hi notso! I just saw your post and wanted to say I'm root in' for ya. Maybe just put the drink down without any expectations or future tripping. Once we get some sober time we see things for what they are better. It won't be peaches n cream but it doesn't have to be. We can have rough days but not drink. Then, the future starts looking brighter without drink n drugs. Take care!

Meraviglioso

Spot on carl.

NotSolvory, I too understand the back and forth and the hell on earth that it is. I don't really have any guidance for you because I am still figuring this out myself, but I can lend my support. For me going to rehab was the answer. While I was there something just clicked and I finally feel like this is the time I will make it out. Is that something you could consider? What about talking to your doctor about the various medications that are available to help with cravings? They might help you in the fight to stay sober.

Gottalife

"I cannot understand my own behaviour. I set out to do the things I want to do and end up doing the things I hate. For though the will to do good is in me, the performance is not."

Does that make sense to you? It described me quite well.

AA is not about speaking at meetings. If you don't want to speak, you don't have to. And the program of recovery is done away from the meetings one on one with another alcoholic. Meetings are not the AA path to sobriety, just something that helps along the way.

I landed up with that choice you talked about. It is decribed in the Big Book. I could either carry on as I was trying to blot out the intolerable nature of my existence as best I could, or I could learn to live on a spiritual basis. Free choice.

The God bit was an issue for me too. I have come to realise that I didn't need a higher power for as long as my own power was adequate. When my own power did not prove up to the task, I did the logical thing and changed up to a higher one.

Forward12

You sound exactly how I am as well. I know the hell that is anxiety and depression that being sober is almost unbearable, but with the short time of "healing" from the booze, it comes back 10 fold making the anxiety even worse. I know this struggle is horrible and I know the pain of wanting to quit so badly, but it just keeps dragging you back.

chrcarlson

You do have a higher power. I can see it. It's that little voice that brings you here. Alcohol drowns it out and makes it weaker. At least that's how it works for me. I try to listen to it and do the right thing occasionally.

Wastinglife

Hi Notsolvory, I can certainly relate to you. I am 3 weeks sober and struggling. My anxiety has been through the roof and depression is starting to rear its ugly head. I've been unable to achieve sobriety for longer than a month for the last 5 year because alcohol is the only thing that provides relief from my anxiety/depression.

This time I am trying a new approach. I joined AA and am doing the steps with a sponsor. I am atheist so don't think you need to be religious for it to work. I need to get sober because I cannot live a happy life if alcohol is present. I know that my anxiety /depression will probably get worse before it gets better. I've been through this before when I first got sober over 5 years ago and was sober for a year. I expect to have a rough summer from a mental health perspective as my brain heals from years of abuse but with the help of AA I can do it. I tried to do it alone but it's impossible. That's why AA is crucial for support. I alienated everyone else in my life with my drinking so I have no where else to turn