sunny053

After reading the sticky "6, 8, 10 times" I thought a lot about what a real healthy relationship should look like. I've seen a lot of other people writing about their partners or ex partners and saying things like "I don't know how to cope with their addiction...but this person is my soul mate". I've been telling myself that my addict ex was my soul mate and this makes the loss of our relationship over drugs all the more crushing.

But when I really think about it, was he my soul mate? Or have I been thinking and wishing myself into believing he is? I decided to write a list of things that I would probably hope to find in a relationship with someone who respects me, and when I read over it I realised that my ex was doing almost none of these things towards the end of our relationship. So here is what I came up with...

"What a soul mate should be…

Someone who loves you. Someone who would do as much for you as you would for them. Their actions are consistent with their words. They are kind and honest. They don’t keep secrets from you. They want to talk to you. They try to be with you. You spend lots of time together. You have differences and arguments, and you work them out. You are both willing to compromise with each other and maintain harmony. You can rely on them, and they can rely on you. They think you’re beautiful. They love you. They love your personality. They don’t degrade you or put you down. They help you when times are tough. They are supportive. They are interested in what you have to say. They get just as excited about you as you do about them. You trust them, and they trust you. You share things with each other that you would never share with anyone else, and you cherish these things. You don’t use the deepest things you know about one another to hurt each other. You respect each other."

Does anyone else have anything they would add to that list?

zoso77

I'm going to be a contrarian when I say I don't believe in "soul mates". I think it's a nebulous, over romanticized term. That's not to say that I don't agree with your list, because there's some good stuff in there.

But in my years, I've learned that none of us are immune to behaving poorly, or making bad decisions, or making those bad decisions a second, third or fourth time around. So if we're all inherently flawed, then that means our romantic relationships are inherently flawed, too. And that's before we even convolve drugs and alcohol into that mix. None of us are always at our best. None of us are always going to check every item off on your list and say, Yup, I do that all the time. To be accountable for yourself is difficult enough; being accountable to someone else adds to that challenge.

So all I would add is stately thusly: do your best, be kind, be honest, and understand that since we're all human, we're vulnerable to not being able to do those things from time to time.

AnvilheadII

thanks Zoso. i too fall into the category of thinking "soulmate" is a myth, best left to the poets. it is interesting how many folks who come and post about the utter wreckage and tragedy that the addict in their lives has created and STILL claim them to be their soul mate. if the myth of the soulmate were TRUE, then when the twin souls met, they were complement each other perfectly and their lives would be joyous ever after.

that being said........the traits of a good partner are much as you describe in the OP.....i believe there are some absolutes:

TRUST
RESPECT
AGAPE LOVE above sexual, romantic love
EMPATHY

Hechosedrugs

Years ago I would have said, "Someone who lets me pick the channel on TV."

Now it's: "Someone who is okay with not having a TV."

Having kids has made me despise every single thing on the tube. We do have small TVs and a collection of videotapes, but I never want to pay for or have my children exposed to regular TV, at least not in my home. And big screen TVs just skeeve me out- I mean, really? I can't wait to give ours to STBX and put a pretty painting up in its place.

But TV is so commonplace. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up having to give in on that once I meet someone.

FireSprite

Add me to the list - although it's not that I oppose the romanticized term so much as I don't believe there is ever only ONE single person that fits for each of us as a "soul mate".

I think that fixating on the idea that any one person is the end-all-be-all for me is too narrow of a thought - based on the number of people in the world & how scattered we are across the globe, the odds of meeting my True Soul Mate in my hometown would be slightly outrageous.

I do however, believe in compatibility, love & respect.


(((((hugs))))) to the OP - I know how hard it was for me to start defining what a healthy relationship should look like because when I started recovery, started to see things differently & looked around - I realized I really didn't have any good examples to draw from.

oldsoul1122

I think we have many soul mates in our lifetime and come together to teach and learn on a deep level.

Bekindalways

Interesting discussion you started here Sunny.

I love the idea of a soulmate the way I love romantic movies. I just don't really believe either the word nor the movies are super helpful in looking for a healthy relationship based on reality.

I've never married myself but my family has very, very few divorces. The marriages of 50+ years look like many things but soulmates is not what comes to mind when I look at my grandparents, parents and aunts and uncles. Words that do come to mind are workable, mutual respect, shared interests, and affection. (Also bickering, irritation, endurance and just sheer, hardcore adulting (being a grownup))

teatreeoil007

If I were to look at the term "soul mate" literally I would define it as "someone who I mate with on a soul level".

Taking that into consideration-it's entirely possible to mate with various people at a soul level: A sister, a friend, your spouse, your friends, some of your co-workers, your buddies.

For me the reality is that no one person fits all the things on the list. And, no one person can realistically meet the needs you usually get from various relationships. I think when we expect too much from one person who we think of as our soul mate we will inevitably be disappointed when that person comes up short. And you will feel a lacking in that your needs aren't being met.

sunny053

Wow, thanks for your responses everyone! Lots to think about.

I just need to make a disclaimer - I'm quite cynical when it comes to love and relationships. That's why I brainstormed this list, because I've never truly thought about what a good relationship looks like. Sure, it's a dreamy list and I haven't said those things as if I want some non-existent perfect person to come into my life. We all have flaws but the way that we deal with them, compromise and complement each other is really how good relationships with friends, family members and partners happen. I just thought it would be nice, coming out of an abusive relationship, to maybe have at least some ideas in mind of how I intend to treat someone in the future, and how I expect to be treated. Not that I or anyone else would ever possibly be able to tick off the things on that list 100% of the time - that would be ridiculous! I've never had any kind of physical or emotional standards in mind for somebody. I'm not religious, and I don't even know if I believe in a "soul". But I do believe in connecting with other people spiritually, and I feel there's spirituality in nature and the earth and the interconnections between everything around us.

And in regards to the idea that if I have a set of standards in mind, I will always feel that my needs inherently aren't being met - I absolutely did feel this way with my ex! And rightly so. I was physically, emotionally and psychologically abused and neglected. That's not to say that I have some naive, absurd idea in my mind about romance, love, soul mates etc etc. We all deserve to be respected, loved, and have our psychological and emotional needs met, which I think come with empathy and compassion.

Looking at that list makes me feel excited for the future, and more comfortable with myself. It would be nice to have some kind of standard in mind for once - not being mindful of these things is how I became used and taken advantage of in the first place. I used the term "soul mate" because I thought it best fit the kind of relationship I was trying to somewhat define - one where you connect with someone on a spiritual level.

sunny053

I totally agree with you there! My parents divorced when I was 2 so I can't really draw from them, but my Mum's parents were married for more than 30 years before my grandfather died, and they're exactly who I think of when I read your comment! Quite often they bickered and fought like there was no tomorrow - both really stubborn and could sound really mean to each other. But the way that my grandmother talks about him today, I can tell that they had the deepest and utmost love & respect for each other, even if a lot of their interests didn't line up and they did have many disagreements. "Endurance" would probably be a great word to describe them as well. In my mind at least, I would have called them soul mates for that very reason ... So when I'm using the term "soul mate" I'm not really meaning it in the romanticised movie sense! Thank you for making me think about this more.

Bekindalways

Thanks again for starting this thread Sunny. I didn't say before that I liked your list.

I've never married and probably never will but through dating I discovered a few preferences I have: I don't like bad promises also I don't like when I'm supposed to figure out when someone doesn't mean what they say. I would never have had this on a list until I met folks that did these things.

sunny053

Thanks Bekindalways

Yep agreed, that's really important...it's hard when you feel like you have to decipher someone's true intentions or what they really mean. I guess that's why trust is so important.

talldude

I'm in Zoso's ballpark of thinking...

I've found that accepting labels like soul mate causes too many expectations and relaxes my will to grow.

When relationships have been going well for me, it's because both of us realized what we had and continued growing, by working and playing toward a common goal of sharing time together. If it's there and we both feel it, then I don't need a label to tell me what we have.

Dreamcatcher44

Like Oldsoul says im of the belief we come here to learn lessons from eachother and that there are particular souls that are set aside as romantic relationships . We plan out before even coming into this life certain events that will unfold that is intended to teach critical lessons at critical stages in life. They may plan for example to come into your life at 25 years old when u are feeling at ur best and sweep u off ur feet only to leave you for another woman. Why? Isnt soulmate supposed to mean forever? No. Maybe because u needed to feel pain. Pain helps people grow. Thats why we r here. To grow spirtually. There is a shakespeare quote "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances. And one man in his time plays many parts." I love this quote because that is what i truly feel. This whole life is a teaching school and all the souls who weave in and out are our teachers. Just like we are theirs.

Some souls have larger parts to act out. Just like we learn from pain we also learn from love. These souls pull things out from you that u didnt know existed. They challenge you on every level. They tap into you in ways that expose all your weaknesses and bring them to the surface so u must address them. It is possible to have multiple soulmates. When someone has gone off their path, the addict for example, i think those who are in relationships with them know this isnt who they really are at a SOUL level which is true. Since they havent learned the lesson they were supposed to they stick around waiting for it to unfold. However even with the best laid out plans once the "show" begins there is still free will and some souls lose their way from their intended path. So we must move forward as staying would only halt our personal soul growth and know there are others waiting and in another life you and that person will have a chance to try again.

Bekindalways

Heya Dream, this is kinda how I see it too. One of my girlfriends calls it "Our perfect imperfect world.".

pandblvr

I agree that we happen across a number of soul mates in our lifetime. Depending on how developed our intuitions are is whether we connect with them and recognize they're our soulmate. I do believe my fiancee is my soul-mate as far as partner-wise but I also think one of my best girlfriends is another one of my soul mates. It's hard to explain and put into words but with both of them I feel like I know their feelings on a very tangible level.

WeakGirl

I'm one of those who believe there are a number of "soul mates" in our lives. I've met people with whom I had an instant connection. That happened to me today, sitting on a park bench. And she was a beautiful soul, indeed. We talked for an hour and a half. I don't think of it in a romantic sense, though.

I think that a lot of people do believe in soul-mate romantic relationships, though, even if they don't want to admit it. They fall deeply in love with someone and convince themselves that there is NO ONE out there that they could ever share that love with again. And that terribly dangerous idea helps them keep themselves trapped in abusive relationships. I once was that girl. I'm so glad that girl grew.

Honestly, I think there's an unlimited number of people out there with whom we could each build a loving and lasting connection. You do need standards, though, and I think that's what is really at the heart of your post.

There are standards that we have to understand will not always be met. For example, we're not always going to want to spend a lot of time with our partner or always think they're awesome. Sometimes, we'll be distracted or angry or whatever. However, those standards are good to hold as an overall theme. A person doesn't have to meet them without fail, but maybe 90% of the time?

There are standards that should be met 100% of the time, too. Anything that falls in the category of abuse fits there. With me, if you fail that standard, even one time, you'll never hear my voice again.