Thlayli

I know Rational Recovery was written to help people stop using substances. Has anyone here read it?

My AH is in the midst of a relapse that's lasted a couple of months now so I'm digging through all my old books. He went to watch hockey last night promising he'd only have one beer. I was feeling pretty calm about it and had a good night. I pulled out my Rational Recovery book (to give it to him, of course ) and started reading about the Beast. He didn't come home until about 3 - drunk, of course, but I didn't fall apart and am still feeling good today.

It struck me some time this morning that I have my own Addictive Voice. Mine doesn't tell me to drink but it tells me that I must save him or I must yell at him or I must shield him from consequences, etc, etc.

I've always like the AV concept because it helps me separate the spouse I love from the drunk or high one. Now I can separate myself from my crazy-making self too!

firebolt

It's so true - we definitely have an addictive voice. It causes US to slip, and it causes US to relapse.

I can see CLEARLY how easy it would be for me to get sucked into another relationship, with another addict, and for me to try to control another partnership.

It takes a long time and so much work to quiet the voice, and I don't know if it ever goes away. Maybe we just get better at rolling our eyes at it, the healthier we get!

LeeJane

I hear you about having an av that tells you to 'save' AH.

Me too. I have now retired mine. I am separate from him. He acts in manipulative ways which I feel in my body (if you know what I mean) but I don't respond. I move away.

dandylion

Thlayli......I guess that I don't quite understand your goal....(my fault, not yours)....
Is it to detach enough to still live, peacefully, with him?

dandylion

hopeful4

I understand about that voice. I had it too, and it still rears it's ugly head now and again.

Difference is, I don't believe that voice is separate from who I am, or he is, or you are. Codependency is part of me. It's something I have to actively admit, and actively fight, every day, for the rest of my life. Your AH will have to do the same regarding addiction, every day, for the rest of his life. Because that is who he is/has become.

I do believe you have to find your own peace about it, but I don't think anyone gets a pass on bad behavior and lies.

Just my .02

dandylion

Thla....It is not good to just "stuff" away your emotions. What you feel is what you feel. Feelings are neither "right" or "wrong"....but, how o ne acknowledges them and deals with them is another matter......

dandylion

Thlayli

LOL...you can't understand my goal probably because I don't understand it. I'm in the process of trying to figure out what I want but my letting my fears and worries get to me is not helping. I get into this spiral of fear and...it just doesn't go anywhere.

18 months sober, 2 months of being a mess...that's his pattern. I keep hoping the sober will stick around. This past year he's finally gotten in with a psychiatrist and a therapist. I was hoping it would make a big difference.

In general, my goals are to work on me now. I'll be separating our money now (which is going to cause a battle royale when he realizes that), trying to stop intervening with him, do theatre if I want, continue derby, enjoy my bonus son and protect him as best I can (AH has primary custody). I guess I'm not ready to set the hard boundaries.

Yes...I guess living peacefully with him is my goal currently too. We'll see how that grows.