need help now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 1
need help now
I am getting married in 16 days. Both my fiance and I are in recovery. It's how we met. He's older than me and 10 years sober. A few months ago, and this is the first time I have truly admitted this, I relapsed. I have continued to relapse. I am abusing adderall and benzos to come down after. I have lied to him the entire time. He has no idea. I really need advice. I know him and lying to him for an extended period of time like this would, in his own words, be so much worse and kill him. I feel so trapped. I mean the wedding is so soon and even if he doesn't break up w me it will still get clued off and I will probably have to go to rehab and possibly a sober house. I am scared I won't tell him before the wedding out if fear of what might result. Any responses or advice would be much appreciated. But please don't shame me I have done that to myself enough.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 67
Tell him the truth and get the help you need. Don't beat yourself up over this though...part of true recovery is honesty and if you're going to share your life with him, you need to start with him. You can do it! You're in my prayers!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,473
Hi and welcome relapsedfiance 
I think honesty is always the best policy - I'd much rather know now than find out by accident down the line - wouldn't you?
I know it's scary but if your relationship is the kind that endures, it will be ok - if it's not, it's best to find that out now, yeah?.
D
I think honesty is always the best policy - I'd much rather know now than find out by accident down the line - wouldn't you?
I know it's scary but if your relationship is the kind that endures, it will be ok - if it's not, it's best to find that out now, yeah?.
D
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
Let him know, let your sponsor know, and hit up an NA or AA meting and pick up a white keytag/24 hour chip.
Help only comes when you ask for it.
Be honest now. The longer you wait, the worse it will be.
Help only comes when you ask for it.
Be honest now. The longer you wait, the worse it will be.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
yep. the truth will set you free. secrets keep us sick. your recovery is more important than him to be honest. I know it doesn't feel this way now, but it is the truth. Spill the beans, hit a meeting, start fresh. When we clean house we feel better.
You will be okay if you work at it. Sobriety that is. It took faith for you to come here. proud of you.
You will be okay if you work at it. Sobriety that is. It took faith for you to come here. proud of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, do you want to go in to your marriage with truth or lies?
i'd say - get honest and let the chips fall where they may. getting married isn't a one day event, it's for a lot longer than that. and won't matter one little bit if you keep using and hiding.
i'd say - get honest and let the chips fall where they may. getting married isn't a one day event, it's for a lot longer than that. and won't matter one little bit if you keep using and hiding.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
Telling him will establish a foundation of trust as scary as will be. Trust that he'll be able to understand and deal with it. Mistrust in a marriage is off to a very bad start. You can always postpone the wedding. He'll be on your side.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Thailand
Posts: 824
As hard as it sounds and as risky as it sounds the only thing you can do is front up and admit it.
Have you ever discussed with them what you would do in the event of this?
Can I ask you a question?
If he did forgive you and give you the support you need Would you still want to marry him? Is ur using related to the actual marriage, at all?
Hope u work it out - spill the beans though asap.
Peace X
Have you ever discussed with them what you would do in the event of this?
Can I ask you a question?
If he did forgive you and give you the support you need Would you still want to marry him? Is ur using related to the actual marriage, at all?
Hope u work it out - spill the beans though asap.
Peace X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
If you want to have a successful marriage you need to be up front with him. Just like you made the decision to hide this relapse, he has the right to make the decision of whether he is going to support you or if this is a deal breaker. One of the biggest things I have learned in recovery is that there are consequences to every action and that if I am willing to do something then I need to be willing to accept what comes afterwards.
I know fessing up and telling our loved ones we have relapsed can be the hardest and scariest thing to do, but in the end the truth always comes out and isn't it better it comes from you then him finding out on his own?
The only way to get better is to be honest and to accept the help that we NEED not the help that we think we want. Sometimes we have to go the path of rehab, sober living, etc. even if deep down we don't want to. Please be honest and accept the help that you need even if it might seem scary, daunting, or not convenient.
I know fessing up and telling our loved ones we have relapsed can be the hardest and scariest thing to do, but in the end the truth always comes out and isn't it better it comes from you then him finding out on his own?
The only way to get better is to be honest and to accept the help that we NEED not the help that we think we want. Sometimes we have to go the path of rehab, sober living, etc. even if deep down we don't want to. Please be honest and accept the help that you need even if it might seem scary, daunting, or not convenient.
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