Old habits die hard
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Old habits die hard
#8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
It's a matter of perception. Things happen _fast_ in a toxic family.
Mother would be doing her makeup one second, and sobbing like a baby the next. And that's when she was sober. You had to decide whether to run like heck, in which case you'd be in trouble later when she remembered. _If_ she remembered. Or maybe you should stay and help her feel better, in which case maybe you'd not get in trouble. For a while, anyway. Whatever you decided, it had to be quick.
Getting out of school. Who knows why but most days nobody would come pick me up. Wait around for awhile and then decide. Go one way thru a seriously nasty part of town to catch the subway directly home. Go the other way thru a not so bad part of town and catch a bus, 'cept you never knew what might happen in the bus. Go pretend I was "lost" with whatever teacher was staying after school, in which case you'd eventually get home without risking the street, but then you'd get in all kinds of trouble at home. Those are tough decisions when you're ten years old.
The thing is, no matter what decision I made, it was always the wrong one. So I learned to make it quick, not regret it, and never give up. (There's a word for that condition when you do it to rats in a cage, when you make them crazy by torturing them and _not_ offering them an escape, but I can't remember the term). Works out great as an adult when there's some real emergency going on. But it doesn't work at all for anything else.
I'm not overreacting. I'm just acting the same way I was forced to act as a kid. It's an old habit. And it's not like there were changes over which I _did_ have control, as a kid there was _no_ control of any kind.
The solution for me is to work the serenity prayer. Serenity is what allows me to _not_ react in situations where I normally would. Once I've stopped the reaction then I can work on that "wisdom" part, which in turn leads to solutions. 'course, it's not as easy as it sounds. The only things in the world that I truly have control over are those things that involve _me_. I can improve me. The rest of the world I'll just have to pray for ;-)
Mike :-)
It's a matter of perception. Things happen _fast_ in a toxic family.
Mother would be doing her makeup one second, and sobbing like a baby the next. And that's when she was sober. You had to decide whether to run like heck, in which case you'd be in trouble later when she remembered. _If_ she remembered. Or maybe you should stay and help her feel better, in which case maybe you'd not get in trouble. For a while, anyway. Whatever you decided, it had to be quick.
Getting out of school. Who knows why but most days nobody would come pick me up. Wait around for awhile and then decide. Go one way thru a seriously nasty part of town to catch the subway directly home. Go the other way thru a not so bad part of town and catch a bus, 'cept you never knew what might happen in the bus. Go pretend I was "lost" with whatever teacher was staying after school, in which case you'd eventually get home without risking the street, but then you'd get in all kinds of trouble at home. Those are tough decisions when you're ten years old.
The thing is, no matter what decision I made, it was always the wrong one. So I learned to make it quick, not regret it, and never give up. (There's a word for that condition when you do it to rats in a cage, when you make them crazy by torturing them and _not_ offering them an escape, but I can't remember the term). Works out great as an adult when there's some real emergency going on. But it doesn't work at all for anything else.
I'm not overreacting. I'm just acting the same way I was forced to act as a kid. It's an old habit. And it's not like there were changes over which I _did_ have control, as a kid there was _no_ control of any kind.
The solution for me is to work the serenity prayer. Serenity is what allows me to _not_ react in situations where I normally would. Once I've stopped the reaction then I can work on that "wisdom" part, which in turn leads to solutions. 'course, it's not as easy as it sounds. The only things in the world that I truly have control over are those things that involve _me_. I can improve me. The rest of the world I'll just have to pray for ;-)
Mike :-)
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
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I think of all the issues I am left with as a result of being an ACOA, my issues with control usually trip me up the most. I think it is that you grow up with things being so out of control, that you sort of become somewhat obsessed with needing control once you are on your own.
For instance, if we are making plans, I have to make plans down to every detail. I need to know what is going on, when, how, who, etc. Not knowing makes me anxious. I want to be the one involved with making the plans, I sort of feel I have to be. Sort of continuing on my role as the oldest child in my alcoholic family, where I was the one who always felt everything was my responsibility.
When plans change, my natural reaction is to resist it. I'll say 'no' before I even think about it. I try now to not say 'no' before thinking, because I often find I will say no, but after I think about it, I agree with the change.
I'm kind of just rambling, but I wanted to put some thoughts on this down as it is an issue I am continuing to work on.
For instance, if we are making plans, I have to make plans down to every detail. I need to know what is going on, when, how, who, etc. Not knowing makes me anxious. I want to be the one involved with making the plans, I sort of feel I have to be. Sort of continuing on my role as the oldest child in my alcoholic family, where I was the one who always felt everything was my responsibility.
When plans change, my natural reaction is to resist it. I'll say 'no' before I even think about it. I try now to not say 'no' before thinking, because I often find I will say no, but after I think about it, I agree with the change.
I'm kind of just rambling, but I wanted to put some thoughts on this down as it is an issue I am continuing to work on.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 81
#8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
This is a tough one. I have gotten alot better but I hate the feeling of frustration I get when I am not in control. So much that I try to control everything. I am making progress. However, whenever I give up control of a project to someone else, I feel like I am leaving it unfinished.
Like I said, this is a tough one.
This is a tough one. I have gotten alot better but I hate the feeling of frustration I get when I am not in control. So much that I try to control everything. I am making progress. However, whenever I give up control of a project to someone else, I feel like I am leaving it unfinished.
Like I said, this is a tough one.
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Originally Posted by Lonelygirl
... if we are making plans, I have to make plans down to every detail.
Originally Posted by Lonelygirl
... Sort of continuing on my role as the oldest child in my alcoholic family, where I was the one who always felt everything was my responsibility.
hmmm... Now I gotta start looking into how much of my "control-aholism" is wrapped up in this whole planning thing.
Thanx for the wakeup call, LonelyGirl. It's another opportunity for growth.
(Not that I _want_ any more opportunities, got plenty already :-)
Mike :-)
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