I freaked out tonight......
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I freaked out tonight......
I talk to a male friend of mine on occasions. This was the couple that took me in when I left. We have a really good relationship.
I freaked out tonight because I was talking to him and he used my nickname "am", my name is Ann Marie, not many people use "am", and he also used the word "impinge", meaning he didn't want my cousin to "impinge" on the time that he got to spend with me on the phone.
Am I being rational here or irrational here. I quickly hung up the phone. My ex never even called me "am". I think to me that meant trust, but this was just weird.
amy
I freaked out tonight because I was talking to him and he used my nickname "am", my name is Ann Marie, not many people use "am", and he also used the word "impinge", meaning he didn't want my cousin to "impinge" on the time that he got to spend with me on the phone.
Am I being rational here or irrational here. I quickly hung up the phone. My ex never even called me "am". I think to me that meant trust, but this was just weird.
amy
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OK, substitute phone with Skype. Messages not video. I think I knew this was wrong, but it was 6 yrs since my divorce , and nothing like this happened before.
Nothing was going on before except normal conversation. Everything he told me I already knew because his wife is my best friend.
Seriously, I am a codie. I knew this was wrong, but I didn't want to hurt him. I knew it was wrong because he didn't want me to tell his wife that we talk to each other, I felt OK with this because we only talked as friends would. Tonight was the only time he somewhat expressed ownership of his time with me, and that frightened me.
I'm still in shock right now. I should have known better that he wanted to keep Skype secret, but he never before tried to show ownership over me. It was just normal chit chat, until my cousin came into the mix, and I was spending too much time with my cousin.
amy
Nothing was going on before except normal conversation. Everything he told me I already knew because his wife is my best friend.
Seriously, I am a codie. I knew this was wrong, but I didn't want to hurt him. I knew it was wrong because he didn't want me to tell his wife that we talk to each other, I felt OK with this because we only talked as friends would. Tonight was the only time he somewhat expressed ownership of his time with me, and that frightened me.
I'm still in shock right now. I should have known better that he wanted to keep Skype secret, but he never before tried to show ownership over me. It was just normal chit chat, until my cousin came into the mix, and I was spending too much time with my cousin.
amy
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Location: atlanta, ga
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Well I don't really see anything wrong with a nick name or that he wanted to talk with you.
I do think there is an issue that he is having conversations with you that are off the record from his wife and your best friend. That's a no no Amy. If my husband was doing that with my best friend I would think they were having a fling and it would be a major disruption.
I do think there is an issue that he is having conversations with you that are off the record from his wife and your best friend. That's a no no Amy. If my husband was doing that with my best friend I would think they were having a fling and it would be a major disruption.
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i would be asking myself why I think it's ok to carry on these private conversations with my best friends husband? Perhaps you hung up because the nickname felt too intimate? I do not see a healthy outcome in this situation. I believe you are playing with fire here.
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No, I agree with everyone here. It never felt right to me, even though at the time it was just chit chat.
I remember when I first moved in with them. They still lived in NJ, and they were selling their house. He asked me to go to the beach with him. I thought nothing of it, but I asked his wife if that would be OK with her. He got mad at me and asked me why I had to tell her that.
I do know there are more important things to discuss on this forum, and I am sorry to waste your time on this.
Sometimes it's subtle things like this, that make you always feel that you have to be alert at all times. Sometimes, it's called paranoia.
Anyway, I trust this forum, more then I trust myself.
amy
I remember when I first moved in with them. They still lived in NJ, and they were selling their house. He asked me to go to the beach with him. I thought nothing of it, but I asked his wife if that would be OK with her. He got mad at me and asked me why I had to tell her that.
I do know there are more important things to discuss on this forum, and I am sorry to waste your time on this.
Sometimes it's subtle things like this, that make you always feel that you have to be alert at all times. Sometimes, it's called paranoia.
Anyway, I trust this forum, more then I trust myself.
amy
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Hi Amy,
I have been in your position in the past, but I have to tell you, even though it was just innocent conversation, I knew deep in my gut that it was wrong. I am willing to bet that you did too. I am not saying that you should run out and tell your best friend about your conversations with her husband, but I would stop the secret conversations. Like now. You could tell the husband that you feel like it is wrong to be hiding things from his wife, especially when she is your best friend. Just tell him that you don't want there to be any hard feelings, but that your loyalty needs to remain with his wife. It is fine if you guys talk, but include his wife in these conversations. If you are talking about things that would make you or his wife uncomfortable if you were to say them in her presence, you probably shouldn't be talking about those things.
And I agree, him using a nickname of yours in and of itself is probably not a big deal if you guys have been friends for a long time. But, what I think is really bothering you is your gut feeling that this "relationship" is starting to cross the line. Maybe this is a good chance for you to practice setting boundaries with your best friend's husband. I know it is hard as a codie because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but this is a very important step in your recovery.
I have been in your position in the past, but I have to tell you, even though it was just innocent conversation, I knew deep in my gut that it was wrong. I am willing to bet that you did too. I am not saying that you should run out and tell your best friend about your conversations with her husband, but I would stop the secret conversations. Like now. You could tell the husband that you feel like it is wrong to be hiding things from his wife, especially when she is your best friend. Just tell him that you don't want there to be any hard feelings, but that your loyalty needs to remain with his wife. It is fine if you guys talk, but include his wife in these conversations. If you are talking about things that would make you or his wife uncomfortable if you were to say them in her presence, you probably shouldn't be talking about those things.
And I agree, him using a nickname of yours in and of itself is probably not a big deal if you guys have been friends for a long time. But, what I think is really bothering you is your gut feeling that this "relationship" is starting to cross the line. Maybe this is a good chance for you to practice setting boundaries with your best friend's husband. I know it is hard as a codie because we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but this is a very important step in your recovery.
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Amy......I tend to agree with caretaker88 that you are getting uncomfortable with a boundary that he is wanting or trying to cross. I think this says more about him than you.
I ;get it that the dynamics may be hard because you don't want to hurt his feelings...especially given the history of the development of the relationship....with your being friends of them as a couple, first, and the loyalty that you probably feel towards them, since they helped you out so much at a very difficult and vulnerable time.
Who knows for sure what all of his motivations might be....maybe he craves more social and interesting conversation that he normally gets and fears that his wife might be jealous....or, it could even be that he has has a personal attraction to you and would like it to be more in the lines of "emotional affair" (in his mind).....you know---a male thing.
I am thinking, in any case, he is treading o n thin ice with his marital relationship....some trust issues, there, and, maybe, even some intimacy issues of some nature.....but, whatever---it is his problem to cope with.
I would suggest that this is "boundary time".....he is clearly pushing the limits of what you are comfortable with.
Hurt or no hurt...you have to protect your boundarys....you owe that to yourself. He will have to get his socialization or "feel good" through some other means. He should have enough sense and respect for you to realize that you and his wife are friends and that he is putting you in a difficult position. The fact that he wants to keep it from his wife says that.
I would like to say that this is not an unusual situation...I think it happens a lot.
I can think of a similar situation, myself.....It was with the husband of a woman that I worked closely with in community theater. My husband and I were friends with him and her....more her, to begin with....but we spent lots of time at their house and our house, because we were constantly working on some production or other.
To tell you the truth....he always made ;me a little bit uncomfortable, so I made sure never to be alone with him. He would make slightly sexual comments directed toward me and try to be a little too touchy.....Nothing reall blatant, but I would feel uncomfortable. I told my husband about it...and we both just had a lot of awareness. I just kept the boudarys really tight.....
I say to listen to your gut on this....and take care of yourself. We women have to do that.....sigh.....
dandylion
I ;get it that the dynamics may be hard because you don't want to hurt his feelings...especially given the history of the development of the relationship....with your being friends of them as a couple, first, and the loyalty that you probably feel towards them, since they helped you out so much at a very difficult and vulnerable time.
Who knows for sure what all of his motivations might be....maybe he craves more social and interesting conversation that he normally gets and fears that his wife might be jealous....or, it could even be that he has has a personal attraction to you and would like it to be more in the lines of "emotional affair" (in his mind).....you know---a male thing.
I am thinking, in any case, he is treading o n thin ice with his marital relationship....some trust issues, there, and, maybe, even some intimacy issues of some nature.....but, whatever---it is his problem to cope with.
I would suggest that this is "boundary time".....he is clearly pushing the limits of what you are comfortable with.
Hurt or no hurt...you have to protect your boundarys....you owe that to yourself. He will have to get his socialization or "feel good" through some other means. He should have enough sense and respect for you to realize that you and his wife are friends and that he is putting you in a difficult position. The fact that he wants to keep it from his wife says that.
I would like to say that this is not an unusual situation...I think it happens a lot.
I can think of a similar situation, myself.....It was with the husband of a woman that I worked closely with in community theater. My husband and I were friends with him and her....more her, to begin with....but we spent lots of time at their house and our house, because we were constantly working on some production or other.
To tell you the truth....he always made ;me a little bit uncomfortable, so I made sure never to be alone with him. He would make slightly sexual comments directed toward me and try to be a little too touchy.....Nothing reall blatant, but I would feel uncomfortable. I told my husband about it...and we both just had a lot of awareness. I just kept the boudarys really tight.....
I say to listen to your gut on this....and take care of yourself. We women have to do that.....sigh.....
dandylion
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Location: atlanta, ga
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Originally Posted by amy55 
No, I agree with everyone here. It never felt right to me, even though at the time it was just chit chat.
I remember when I first moved in with them. They still lived in NJ, and they were selling their house. He asked me to go to the beach with him. I thought nothing of it, but I asked his wife if that would be OK with her. He got mad at me and asked me why I had to tell her that.
I do know there are more important things to discuss on this forum, and I am sorry to waste your time on this.
Sometimes it's subtle things like this, that make you always feel that you have to be alert at all times. Sometimes, it's called paranoia.
Anyway, I trust this forum, more then I trust myself.
amy
I remember when I first moved in with them. They still lived in NJ, and they were selling their house. He asked me to go to the beach with him. I thought nothing of it, but I asked his wife if that would be OK with her. He got mad at me and asked me why I had to tell her that.
I do know there are more important things to discuss on this forum, and I am sorry to waste your time on this.
Sometimes it's subtle things like this, that make you always feel that you have to be alert at all times. Sometimes, it's called paranoia.
Anyway, I trust this forum, more then I trust myself.
amy
Come to find out the little sh!t was covering his tracks and telling my friend that I was coming on to HIM. She came to me one night and had a sit down saying she valued our friendship, but that I needed to move because I was hitting on her husband. Luckily he made one stupid move which was to write me a note and leave it on my car when we were all at a party - and I kept it. This was before cell phones of course and it would have been my word against his. No records of calls or texts.
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As far as I´ve seen, most extramarital affairs happen just like this - among couples who were good friends or with the partner of a best friend. It almost never happens with someone who used to be a stranger. And if the marriage survives, the other woman/man is always blamed, never the unfaithful spouse. It´s good that you are listening to your gut feeling in this situation. I wouldn´t worry too much about hurting this guy´s feelings or giving much explanations, just maintain some distance and don´t encourage him. Just tell him you´re too busy to talk whenever he calls, he´ll get the message eventually. The thing is, he is probably feeding on your willingness to talk and socialize. If he sees you´re not making it easy for him, he´ll look for kicks elsewhere.
And I wouldn´t talk about it to your friend, you don´t have much concrete evidence and as Redatlanta says, you will be the one blamed. Just let them deal with their relationship on their own.
And I wouldn´t talk about it to your friend, you don´t have much concrete evidence and as Redatlanta says, you will be the one blamed. Just let them deal with their relationship on their own.
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I agree with everyone here. I was very uncomfortable with Skype. I didn't stop it before, because nothing inappropriate was being said. Everything that we talked about could have and was said to his wife also. I did send him an email today to tell him I would not be responding to Skype anymore, and left it at that.
I did not tell him why, I think I did last night when I really freaked out over the phrase "impinge on his time". I told him last night that, to me, I took that as him having ownership of my time, and that he didn't.
I know he will reply to the email that I sent, and once I calm down, I'll reply back, just to smooth things over because I do see the both of them once or twice a week. But the skype ends. I really am too uncomfortable with that.
Thanks for walking me through this. I came here immediately last night, after that happened so that I wouldn't send off a really nasty email.
amy
I did not tell him why, I think I did last night when I really freaked out over the phrase "impinge on his time". I told him last night that, to me, I took that as him having ownership of my time, and that he didn't.
I know he will reply to the email that I sent, and once I calm down, I'll reply back, just to smooth things over because I do see the both of them once or twice a week. But the skype ends. I really am too uncomfortable with that.
Thanks for walking me through this. I came here immediately last night, after that happened so that I wouldn't send off a really nasty email.
amy
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Sounds like he was testing the boundaries to see how easy they'd be to move. You cut him off, which hopefully will have sent him the message loud and clear that they stay where they are. Even if he didn't get the hint, you did the right thing. If he asks about it you can just say that you're not comfortable with conversations that are exclusive, and ask him to respect that. No need for any accusations or drama, to keep yourself safe.
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My two cents is that I don't have any issue with him calling you by a nickname, but I have a HUGE problem with him wanting to keep your conversations secret. That's a big no-no and a red flag. For context, I've been with my wife for almost 35 years and we each have friends of the opposite sex. She's totally comfortable with me speaking with a female friend, just as I'm comfortable with her having a conversation with a male friend. It comes down to trust and keeping something secretive should not enter into a trustful relationship.
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