LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone,

I am new here. Thank you in advance for reading my story. I have been in a relationship with an amazing man for 9 months. He is smart, handsome, loving , caring, my best friend and also recently told me he was an alcoholic... He told me a few months ago... after he told me our relationship seemed to change overnight.... When we first met he told me he was going through a divorce and a really crazy custody battle. His now ex wife had left him in the middle of the night and took his kids across country to live with another man... My (now ex boyfriend ) confided in me and cried to me all of the time about how much he loved and missed his children... He swore up and down he loved me and that he had never felt this way about anyone. He has only been with 2 women in his entire life and he is 33. ( I am one of them ) ... He seemed to have a very strong faith in god. In the beginning we drank together... ( I can take or leave drinking ) but we were going on dates and vacations etc. We communicated well and told each other everything. We both have busy careers but I felt like I was in high school again...I literally felt like I had found my best friend... We moved in together... I spent time with his children... they told me they loved me and I thought to myself... wow I waited my whole life for him and I was so excited to have a family unit.... Well a few months ago he confided in me that he was a full blown alcoholic... that he had only been sober around 10 days in 8 years and that his ex wife actually left him and took the kids because of his drinking. He told me stories that shocked me about how drunk he would get... he said that he knew that he had lost his kids and his ex wife from drinking and that he wouldn't loose me too... so he quit for 2 weeks... then started...then quit...then started... this along with the pressure of all of the divorce baggage and learning to be some what of a stepmom to kids just became a lot to bear on my own......

One day out of the blue he broke up with me ( this was a month ago) then a week later ( he was sober for a week ) he begged for me back saying he wanted to live simply and soberly....then a week after that he got so drunk he didn't make it home one night and a week after that he got so drunk he came home and threw up in our back yard... Everything was so inconsistent with him that I decided to look through his phone one night when he was passed out...... He had a conversation with one of his guy friends that went like this...( mind you this was 3 days after begging me to move home and said he would pay all my bills if I did that he just missed me)

Guy Friend : "How is your new and improved girlfriend?"( what the ****)
My boyfriend: "well she knows not to tell me what to do anymore"
Guy Friend: "Oh so you can have sex with other girls and she can't with other guys?"
My boyfriend: "Ya I wish"
Guy Friend: "Are you sure you want to do be in a long term relationship"
My boyfriend: "Well she helps pay the rent and helps me with my kids"

I was SHOCKED!!!!! I have literally been there sooooooo much for this man.... like so much. I know his family, his friends... he talks to my father all the time...I wrapped his children xmas gifts and made them easter baskets for ***** sake ( sorry for the cussing ) How the heck could he talk about me like that????!!!

I mean we had the closest relationship...talking about everything under the sun...hung out every day... I am baffled...

I ended up breaking up with him...moved my stuff out within a few days. I am now living at my parents house... ( I own a successful company and now I feel like a child again)

I had one conversation with him where he says he knows how messed up he is and that he feels crazy form the long term of drinking everyday and the emotional trauma of his divorce but that he loves me with every piece of his broken heart... but he knows its best for us not to be together... and then blocked him on all accounts...

He has texted my best friend twice over the last week asking how I am ..she offered to take him to an AA meeting ( he refused and said he is just going to try to drink on the weekends now)

Today he texted my dad and apologized for everything and told my dad that I am better off with out him and that I am amazing and that he really loved me.....

My dad and my best friend both refused to say anything about me and just wished him sobriety...

I have read through all of our texts.. went through all of the hundreds of days and hours we have spent together and it is so bizarre.. so so bizarre... I keep thinking to myself...how the heck is this really over...how can he have loved me soooooo much and I was the most important thing to him until one day I just wasn't worth the effort ( and trust me his baggage was much much more than mine) in the traditional sense... I am just dumb founded... Can alcohol really change a person this much... sorry if I seem harsh... I am just in shock really.... everyone and anyone who has spent time with us was in shock that we aren't together.... I think this is just such a fresh wound still... I think it is best to keep him blocked but I feel sick to my stomach..... How can they change there feelings so rapidly? Thanks for listening

LexieCat

I dunno--did he really change his feelings, or was he just using you all along? That's kinda what it sounds like, to me. It was all about what you could do for him. He told you a lot of pretty things to keep you hooked. He's a liar and a jerk, from where I sit.

I know it hurts to feel taken advantage of, but it can happen to anyone. Con men are often very good at what they do.

I'm glad you're well away from him. I'd suggest you work on healing from this and work on getting on with your life.

Hugs,

LovelyKaya33333

LexieCat.... Normally I would agree with you. I have dated a sociopath in the past and went through 6 months of therapy after that and was in a pretty good spot when I met this man. I am a self aware person so I am a little shocked. In our relationship he did a lot for me too.... He actually paid for most things and even worked for my company for free a bunch ... My family and friends who I am very close too also were taken aback by this and they are usually a very non trusting group off hand yet they trusted him after a while... I am not saying it isn't possible that he is just a con artist but I honestly don't think he is.. I think he is an alcoholic that wanted to drink and he knew I wouldn't be ok with it...

Berrybean

He is an active alcoholic, and was throughout. This means that he is likely to have been operating in a way that was basically people pleasing as a form of manipulation. He might not even be or have been self aware enough to actually realise what he was doing. It has just become his way of functioning. He's a sick man. I think you were really really REALLY lucky to have read that text when you did. Although this has been a painful period for you, it could have been so much worse. Look at his ex wife for example.

While he is still drinking he will not be able to change. Nor see his part in the wreckage he is creating and harms he is causing.

I really do feel for you. And feel badly for how you were treated, as it's a way I'd have behaved myself to people in the past (possibly to a lesser degree, but the principles were the same). Thank you for posting. It is important that others understand just how devious, manipulative and dishonest an active alcoholic or addict can be. And, for people like myself who are in recovery , we get a reminder of the harms and hurt that we put people though when we are active in our addiction. You are my strength today, and my reminder that I CAN NOT EVER go back to that way of being.

I pray that you find acceptance and inner peace to help you recover from this awful experience, and that your next relationship will be with someone capable of giving you love and honesty.

Yoga

He sounds really messed up and this has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Best thing is to stay away. His wife left him for a reason the way she did.

Maybe he'll come to his senses and pick up the reins of recovery but until then stay no contact.

Take care of you.

dandylion

LovelyKayla....I know what heartbreak feels l ike.....and, I can tell you that everyone who is reading your story understands what the pain feels like.....
We are all here because of t he pain that alcoholism has brought into our lives....in one way or another.....

Be so thankful that you had the wherewithal to end it quickly and move away from him.
I can tell that you don't know very much about alcoholism....how the disease operates.....Few people do unless they have had a good reason to study and learn.....
I highly recommend that you spend time on this board and really educate yourself. Begin with the "stickies" at the top of the main page...they are a virtural "bootcamp" of knowledge about alcoholism and about those that love them.....
My dear...there were lots of red flags waving...but, you didn't recognize them....
You say that you were in a relationship with a sociopath in the past.....well, many of the behaviors of an active alcoholic can be described as sociopathic in nature....
Here is the thing....we tend to behave in patterns...and if we don't learn our patterns and learn from our mistakes...we are condemned to repeat them again, in the future...(much of it is not conscious).....
Knowledge is power...and SELF knowledge is the most powerful of all....

I hope that you don't take this as criticism...because it isn't meant that way....

This guy is bound to sweep many others into his "spell" before it is over....because he will need another enabler....and there are lots of people who will fit that bill....(sadly for them)....
He is not even close to wanting sobriety...the fact that he won't go to AA and he says that he will only drink on weekends tells us that.....

I understand that the rug has been pulled out from under you and that you are so engulfed with the pain that it is hard for you to think about anything else...

It is important for you to understand that this pain is normal...and that you will have a period of grieving.
However, it will not always feel like this.....
Given some time, you will feel normal again...

I hope that you will hang around, and continue to p ost and learn...;earn...learn

dandylion

LovelyKaya33333

Thank you everyone for your replies... today is a hard day.... I keep crying and crying.... its so hard to believe that this is what is has come to. I am in so much pain...the thought of him with anyone else literally makes me sick...like nauseated... I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel for how bad this hurts...

honeypig

But it's there. You will have to feel the pain and grieve the loss of your dreams, and that will take time, but the sun will rise and you will get past this.

Another member once posted that when she felt like that, she thought of her X as a moldy sandwich that she'd tossed into a dumpster. If someone else was desperate enough to dive into that dumpster for it, well, that was up to that other person. The member knew she wanted and deserved better.

I don't know if you've been able to read around the forum and check the stickies at the top of the page. The only posts I see for you are in this thread; I think if you can take some time to look around, you'll see a number of folks in the same boat as you. This thread in particular might be helpful to you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-patterns.html

It does get better, LK, it just takes time...wishing you all the strength and clarity you need to get thru this.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, truly, that you're in such pain.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel. If even half of what he told you is true, you would be in for a lot more heartache than this, down the road a bit, if you were to stay with him.

I've been where you are--where it feels like you've found a soulmate and it turns out the person isn't who you thought he was. The thing is, that whole "soulmate" thing is sort of a red flag in itself. That feeling that this is the ONE person you are MEANT to be with. That feeling can really run away with a person.

This is all very fresh, and hurts like hell. You won't feel this way forever--promise. It takes time to heal, but trust that you will.

dandylion

Lovelykaya......I remember that nauseated feeling. You are in the first stage of grieving. I know you feel like it is never ending and that the pain will swallow ypu up.
It won't.
But, you probably don't believe that, right now....
Crying is o.k.....it is nature's way of helping you deal with the pain. cry as much and as long as you need to.....

Know that we invite you to keep coming here and posting.....we have all been through it and we understand.....

dandylion

kittycat3

I'm so sorry for this hurt. Keep healing and recovering and find a man that you deserve! You will look back on this one day and be SO GLAD you didn't waste more time with this sick man.

AnvilheadII

I was SHOCKED!!!!! I have literally been there sooooooo much for this man.... like so much. I know his family, his friends... he talks to my father all the time...I wrapped his children xmas gifts and made them easter baskets for ***** sake ( sorry for the cussing ) How the heck could he talk about me like that????!!!

because you GAVE and GAVE to HIM.....

in a relationship with an amazing man for 9 months. apparently, mr amazing's shine wore off. you didn't even have a full year with this man...what you thought you were getting into CHANGED, once he had you hooked with his sob story........wife left me.....GEE, i wonder WHY she felt she had to bolt with the kids and move FAR FAR away???

now you know. now you can be done. dude is in the rear view mirror.

Bekindalways

Hi Lovely and welcome to the SR forums. I can't tell you how sorry I am for the reasons that brought you here. The fall-out from this kind of relationship is beyond painful.

It probably isn't much comfort at this point but you are a really fast learner. Special kudos for blocking him. Unfortunately being smart about this does not give you a pass from the pain.

You may or may not feel comfortable at an Alanon meeting but it is certainly worth a try. Either way please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.

Big hug to you, you smart, beautiful woman!

ad0117

LovelyKaya,

I'm so so sorry. I've been where you are and I know your pain. It's been a year for me and I am just now starting to get to the point where I think I might be okay again. I spent several months feeling stuck, like things weren't ever going to get any better. I couldn't sleep or eat and could barely concentrate at work. I look back now and can barely believe I made it this far. You will get there, too.

Take care of yourself.

Tangled34

Hi LK I'm sorry for what brings you here and I know that horrible pain you are in only too well it feels like a piece of your heart was ripped out, you can't eat or sleep... It's horrible... But I promise it does get better it just takes time.

You were together 9 months... Such a short time (which doesn't make it and easier I know). But I think you have had a very lucky escape... You have no ties to him... Walk away with your head held high and if he does get with someone else well god help them because he doesn't sound like he is going to get help anytime soon... Trust me... I know... Don't be like me 18 years later married (now separated) with a mortgage and a small child!

I promise there is light at the end of the tunnell just look after yourself x

LexieCat

Just a random question--is your screen name by any chance his pet name for you?

If so, you might want to consider changing it--dwelling on the romantic parts of your relationship will make it that much harder.

redatlanta

I'm soooo sorry for your pain, been there.

LK, there were many red flags in this relationship you chose to ignore. A person who is going through a divorce is NOT relationship material. Relationships that develop during a divorce most often end when the divorce completes. They generally are relationships that are band aids to the trauma of the divorce process, and sustain a tremendous amount of pressure. People who get divorced need time to heal usually around a year more like two before contemplating a serious relationship.

His now ex wife had left him in the middle of the night and took his kids across country to live with another man.. This statement should have tipped you off. This would be highly unlikely to have occurred without justification. Additionally, taking children across state lines in a major no no legally. It sounds like he has an income, so a "typical" parent would have filed through the legal system and mommy would have been in some deep doo doo.

Can alcohol really change a person this much... Change him? Change what? By his own admission he has been sober only 10 days in 8 years. This is who he is regardless of what his actions or words might have reflected. Being with this man will be like being on a roller coaster with no seat belt. The instantaneous love fest, soul mate interactions you had are only as good as bubble prevails. These types relationships don't fit in well into real life struggles and issues - they are very akin to affairs. When the sh!t gets serious the relationship falls apart.

Now you know he lied and she left due to his alcoholism. Strike 1. He is an active alcoholic and lied about that (omission is a lie) Strike 2. He had a text conversation with a friend stating that he is with you to pay the bills and give him a place to lay his head. Strike 3 - you're out.

I gotta a hold of one of these types before I met my husband. Same story, horrible god awful wife. Going through a divorce. With in 24 hours we were ready to marry each other. The passion was unlike anything I had ever felt. He couldn't do enough for me and treated me and told me I was a special snowflake that he had searched for all his life. The talks we had!!! Oh my, for hours wrapped around each other we simply couldn't get enough!

Reality? he was still married and hadn't filed for divorce. He was a sex addict. He cheated on me probably 2 month after we met. He was on multiple sex websites. He had cheated on his wife for 12 years. When I found out and the relationship started to crumble (as much as I tried to save it I'm sorry to say) he said the most vile things to me anyone ever has including that he never loved me. He f****d with my head in ways I had never experienced. I got some therapy, saw the light, and moved on.

Its been 6 years, I'm married, and he still contacts me here and there. Usually a photo of him in Europe and a short text "I still love you". Most of the time I don't respond but last time I sent him a picture of my cats litter box after he had a bowel movement. Haven't heard from him in a while (knocking on wood).

You can get over this!

LexieCat

This is what I was talking about. I've seen alcoholism change people--often drastically. But nothing dramatic changed in his alcohol consumption during the time you were with him. And yes, there are sometimes downward spirals--some of them fairly quick--as alcoholism progresses. But someone who's been drinking steadily for years and years is unlikely to change in the ways you've described.

That's what makes me think that this is something he was doing from the get-go--you just didn't recognize it because you had stars in your eyes.

It doesn't lessen the hurt right now, but maybe it will help you distance yourself from the pain more quickly to know he isn't JUST a suffering alcoholic. There's more than that going on with him, it seems to me.

alcoholics wife

Lovelykaya, I know it's been over a week since you first posted. Hope you are doing better and slowly getting over the shock.

As others have mentioned, do consider yourself lucky that you only invested several months. It could be much, much worse. Living with an addict is certainly not a glamorous relationship, far from it. Most stories of people falling in love with addicts are those of "love at first sight" type of relationship. When love is happening too quickly, and it just seems too good to be true...well that's when people need to take a few steps back before they get too wrapped up into the whirlwind of illusions. In hindsight, I wished I would have seen all the red flags then, but I was "too high on love" to have noticed. We drank together on dates (like you, I could've taken or left the drinks), his ex gf left him due to his drinking problem but of course when you are high on love you believe the alcoholics side of the story of their break-up which usually goes something like this: "she was psychotic and way too controlling. Didn't want me to do anything blah blah blah", it's not until later when the puppy love stage ends that you start to have the same issues as what his ex wife had.

An addict are often master manipulators who will lie, cheat and steal to get their drug of choice. Although alcohol is legal, the wiring of the brain is really no different than a Heroin addict. Their drug of choice comes first, the spouse and family and everything else will be second. Often the addict is oblivious to this. But they are just really really sick to be able to notice. He already chose to let go of his first wife and children and pick alcohol (this should have been a huge red flag, but usually in hind sight). Also jumping into another relationship right in the midst of a divorce and custody battles etc. is a bad idea because it's just another form of escaping his sh*tty situation. You were there to have around and make him feel good when he doesn't want to be alone and deal with his own mess. You were there to drink with him and be okay with that. Just know that you were in love with an illusion of a man you thought he was.

kayleezen

Hello Lovely Kaya,

Nothing is ever black and white, people suffering from alcoholism do things they'd never do sober. They also get in very compromising positions. People like to say it was all a sham, you were used but nothing is that simple and people suffering from alcoholism have trouble with intimacy.

If he's a good guy with a disease you will know, from there you can assess how to deal with it.

Blessings,
kzen