lostangel011

Okay so things have been unusually calm and good at home and I knew it was just a matter of time before it all blew up

Well here it comes... we were on the phone and all of a sudden my AH started lecturing me and wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise about how I am so negative and I gossip and I complain that he has to work late and he loves me but I really need to not be so negative I am bringing him donw.. blah blah blah, rant rant rant oh but I love you and I am not doing anything wrong and I am working because you want me to do this job so I need to let him worry about it

Yeah a tangent then he says I gotta go bye click hang up and I called back no answer

I feel a major blow up coming! He is on a crazy train and looking for a fight. Its a matter of time before he blows up the bank account with lottery tickets and me with yelling. I am afraid to cut off the bank account cause if he doesn't freak out at me now he will I do that. ****! Need advice on how to handle this its mother's day weekend don't want the fight. can't take the blow up he will turn this into and the tirade of verbal abuse.

Any words of sound advice on how I can diffuse this before it happens. Right now I am itching to call him till he picks up but that may make it worse.

dandylion

lostAngel....my experience has been that if they are looking for a "fight"....they will find a reason. somehow....
Do you think that this is a prelude to a binge...?
What good would calling him back accomplish?
Alcoholics are good for messing u p holidays like nobody's business!!

If avoiding the verbal abuse is your goal....perhaps just detaching from whatever he says, would help. No debating with him...no "nagging"..lol....leave the room, etc.....
Or, maybe you could go spend the night with your mother and do something with her tomorrow (Mother's Day weekend)......

I hesitate to suggest cutting off the bank account--because I don't know how abusive he becomes...and, safety is always, first....

You had posted that he is sleeping on the couch unti May 24th...and, then he is out of there....
Is that still holding....?

Bottom line....You didn't cause I t...You can't control it...and, you can't "fix" it....
You can only control your own actions....

dandylion

teatreeoil007

Ranting and raving at you is aggressive. Hanging up on you without allowing you to get a word in is passive-aggressive. And, then not answering you when you try to call back (ignoring you) could also be passive-aggressive..which is really just aggressive dressed up. Glad to hear he is moving out soon, but I bet you are feeling it can't be soon enough! I second what dandy said, safety first. At all costs, don't engage. My instinct would be to try and be somewhere where he is NOT if at all possible. I really hope he doesn't ruin your mother's day.

Liveitwell

Your post struck a nerve and brought up a memory of a very yucky Mother's Day two years ago. I would suggest you doing what dandy suggested-leaving the room, the house, anything to not give him a reason to fight (I'm saying this knowing YOU are not the reason-but you know what I mean). I'm so sorry you are dealing with this/I remember those times and my stomach would be in knots-I could feel it coming. It's a cycle. The only way I ever finally got it to stop for me and my kids was by leaving. It's so messed up that they have a knack for ruining a birthday, holiday, Mothers Day, any day!!

Hugs to you...please keep posting!!

SmallButMighty

Is it possible for you to "save" some of the money from the bank account so you have enough to cover the basics if he goes on a spree?

Wouldn't hurt for you to have your own account set up anyways... I set mine up several months before I left my AXH so that I had a little cushion when push came to shove (figuratively)

I really hope your Mother's Day doesn't get ruined. Mine was bloody awful last year and I was already long separated and living in my own places (for months) at that point. The long arm of the crazy alcoholics in our lives......

Hang in there. *hugs*

AnvilheadII

his tantrums don't give him the right to drain the bank account.

i think you have to look bigger picture......THIS is what you get. maybe not every day, all the time, but it always circles back to him finding something to rage about and go on a spinner. and then blowing cash on whatever he feels like.

yeah it's mom's day.....but it is just another day in this DRAMA.

sauerkraut

Another suggestion: I found that meditating while my STBXAH was on a drunken rant defused the situation. I was present in body, and giving him slight verbal acknowledgment, but I was far away in my mind, so his ranting didn't get the reaction he wanted and thus ended sooner. Breathe deeply, focus on your breathing, think about how the warmth from your heart radiates through your body . . . .

Good luck. I'm so glad he'll be out of there soon.

FeelingGreat

Hi lost; maybe think about what you can and can't control.

-You can't regulate his state of mind, but you can control the way you react. This simple truth has got me through some awful blows in life by turning my thinking my own actions, not focusing on the other person.
-You can't stop manic behaviour like the lottery or drinking, but you can and should quarantine the money you need for bills, emergency, rent or mortgage. You can work out your expenses fairly easily over a year (use an online budget guide) then every pay period, put it aside. Giving him free access to a joint source of money could be financial suicide.
- If you feel threatened by bullying or physical actions (punching walls etc) make a plan for your own safety.

He sounds bipolar? I hope he gets treatment soon. Stay safe, and concentrate on your own peace of mind.

amy55

Just remember that whenever these fights start up, the fight started long before that, in his head. The war in his head was already going on, and I think they know they look crazy when they are fighting with themselves in their own head, so h e is only looking for someone to join him in the fight, so he can blame the other person (you) for it.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
amy

Liveitwell

^ amy....my ex actually alluded to that many times over the years-told me I would not want to know what went on in his head. That scared me and saddened me. It's true that the battle is waged in their heads and hearts-we just take the brunt of it bc we were closest to them. Easy targets for them to spew.

lostangel011

Thanks everyone. It is a roller coaster. He is supposedly meeting me for dinner... But not here yet. He just threw another tirade at me that my constant need for his attention makes his life harder and worse and if he doesn't answer right awY stop trying. I figure common courtesy would be a quick text saying I'll call when I can.

Anyway he is stressed at work and I'm the bad guy of it all for not giving him enogh space. He's on a crazy train though making a 2 hr drive into 4 hours etc... I'm afraid to call and ask where he is. But I'll wait a little longer.

My mom is out of town and I feel a huge blow up coming so maybe I'll end up at her house, I have a key. Never up and left before during a fight I always stay and try to make him love me. I'm a little afraid of what it will do if i actually leave, make that a lot afraid.

It's going to be a rough one. Poor DS has to hear it and he will be mad at me too. I know I didn't cause it and I know the fight was there in his head long before he started in on me but why does he have to make me feel pain. I'm not his enemy at all yet he says I am.

Liveitwell

No new contact equals no new hurts. You're setting yourself up to be hurt and putting yourself in the line of fire. Please consider another option. One starting and ending with the word NO.
Protect yourself with NO. Protect your child with NO. NO dinner, NO contact, NO "DS will hear it too". NO!!

Oh hell, I got the whole line of "stressed at work", BS, bs, bs....I heard it all-these guys have more excuses than brain cells. We are all stressed at work! I don't know one person that's not. YOU don't have to be a player in his game anymore.

Sorry to be so blunt, but he may be an arse, but you are allowing it into your life-and your child's. That's just not ok, friend. Momma bear needs to come out-child comes first when dealing with an addict.

lostangel011

Got through the night without a blow up. No talking at all. Just went to sleep. I don't think he's done fighting inside his head. It's about 3 months into his job and this is where he starts finding reasons to quit. Same cycle and I fell for it again and didn't get a second job believing this time he meant he liked it.

In financial fear again. Gonna have to start looking today seriously. Only one I can depend on for financial support is myself. Fortunately I have a mom that will temporarily help but that comes with strings. Guess that's the price I pay for relying on an alcoholic to help pay the bills he created. Insanity - doing the same thing and expecting different results. That's me. I just sooooo don't want to work 12-16 hours 5 days a week but it looks like temporarily that's the only way out of this mess, he's about to walk out of another job this week.

redatlanta

Is your inability to move on from this abusive relationship rooted in finances?

lostangel011

No. In fact if he was gone the finances would be bad for a while but I have family that can help and the financial hemmoraging that he causes would stop and could start to heal.

My inability to move on may be FOG and I keep hoping I can make it work cause I love him.

Yoga

He's trying to start a fight to ruin your Mothers Day and just because he's a jerk.

Take care of you first and foremost.

BTW You can't make it work because you love him.

Two books:

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel.

Yoga

And "Our Place."

An online abuse forum.

Tremendously helpful.

dandylion

lostangel....I think Yoga's recommendations are excellent ones.
Look at it this way----what can it hurt.
Knowledge is power and it can only help you....

I suspect, like yoga, that he will try to ruin your Mother's Day....not only for you, but your son....
Everything that upsets you also has an effect o n your son.
Maybe you can go t your Mother's tomorrow, for Mother's Day (and take your son for you).....

these drama filled events will be seared into your son's memory and he will remember them when he is 50yrs. o ld, as clearly as when they are happening.....
Your son doesn't have the fog .....but, he will ask, when he is 18 or 21yrs. old---Mom, why didn't you leave? Why didn't you take me away from that?
those can be heartbreaking answers, because there won't be any way to change things for him......

I think that is something to think about.....

Don't let your husband screw up your Mother's Day....try to make it a good memory for you, your son and your own MOTHER.....lol......

dandylion

Liveitwell

^ great recommendations.
Secondly, you can't love him bc he doesn't love himself. Anyone that knows what the word love means doesn't treat others this way. Rip off the bandaid.

Hawkeye13

I'm 51, and dandy is quite right, I remember all the yelling, hurt, and pain.

You need to get through the FOG for your son's sake if not your own.
This stress, anger, uncertainty, and drama from the alcoholic will impact
him for the rest of his life.

It sure did me.
Sorry you are hurting, and I hope you can find your way out soon.