Introducing myself (day 6, alcohol)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 98
Introducing myself (day 6, alcohol)
I am a 49 year old female. I have struggled with drinking for at least 15 years, mostly wine, mostly in the evenings, alone. (I'm married with 2 kids but tried pretty successfully to hide the extent of the drinking). I have quit or cut back a few times but it never lasted. Waking up filled with shame was becoming routine, and making sure I would have access to alcohol every evening was becoming a fixation. My dad was a high functioning alcoholic (until he ended up in the hospital with DTs, at which point he got into rehab and quit forever). My mom was a heavy heavy drinker but, different. Not "needy." Because of this and because I am by nature someone who does a lot of research, I know a lot about AA, SMART, evidence-based addition treatment, etc. Clearly though I didn't know enough to manage my own drinking alone.
Anyway, last Monday night I was filling coffee mugs with wine so my husband couldn't see how much I was drinking, and woke up Tuesday am with a headache, the shakes, and 2 empty bottles hidden in recycling, once again filled with shame. Tuesday I called an outpatient rehab place, Wednesday they assessed me, and Thursday and Friday I have been in outpatient rehab, with urine tests every day. The place is a mix of 12 step (which I have issues with, but I'm learning to take what I can from it and ignore the rest) and CBT and accountability with daily drug/alcohol tests, plus a psychologist who rx'd me drugs to address the craving (which I hated) and ok'd me to take Ambien to sleep at night.
I told my husband everything on Wednesday. We have had some rocky times in our marriage but he has been amazing. He had no idea what was going on, but he has been supportive and non-judgmental and very proud of me.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Not as hard as when my sister got cancer or my dad had a heart attack but hard in another way. I am dealing with shame, withdrawal pains, frustration, and I am also shocked at how hard quitting has been. I am trying to maintain by business and am anxious to be "through" rehab, I don't love this program but I need something. (It is also 100 percent covered by insurance). It is also very emotionally difficult to be around other addicts and their problems all day long. I am not a social person and find being around people exhausting so all of this group therapy leaves me drained and I'm not sure helps me all that much.
I go back to rehab tomorrow for part of the day and then have to leave for a work function, and then am in all day Tuesday.
I am glad I found this place and hope I can find some people to connect with, where we can provide mutual support and guides to success.
Anyway, last Monday night I was filling coffee mugs with wine so my husband couldn't see how much I was drinking, and woke up Tuesday am with a headache, the shakes, and 2 empty bottles hidden in recycling, once again filled with shame. Tuesday I called an outpatient rehab place, Wednesday they assessed me, and Thursday and Friday I have been in outpatient rehab, with urine tests every day. The place is a mix of 12 step (which I have issues with, but I'm learning to take what I can from it and ignore the rest) and CBT and accountability with daily drug/alcohol tests, plus a psychologist who rx'd me drugs to address the craving (which I hated) and ok'd me to take Ambien to sleep at night.
I told my husband everything on Wednesday. We have had some rocky times in our marriage but he has been amazing. He had no idea what was going on, but he has been supportive and non-judgmental and very proud of me.
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Not as hard as when my sister got cancer or my dad had a heart attack but hard in another way. I am dealing with shame, withdrawal pains, frustration, and I am also shocked at how hard quitting has been. I am trying to maintain by business and am anxious to be "through" rehab, I don't love this program but I need something. (It is also 100 percent covered by insurance). It is also very emotionally difficult to be around other addicts and their problems all day long. I am not a social person and find being around people exhausting so all of this group therapy leaves me drained and I'm not sure helps me all that much.
I go back to rehab tomorrow for part of the day and then have to leave for a work function, and then am in all day Tuesday.
I am glad I found this place and hope I can find some people to connect with, where we can provide mutual support and guides to success.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Jseattle, thanks for sharing, it's apparent you've done a lot of research and work already on the subject and congrats on your first 6 days sober. You will find a tremendous amount of support and understanding here. There are people here who use AA, AVRT and lots of other programs too. SR can be a supplement to any of them, some even use this site as their primary support.
Sounds like you have done a lot of things right already, hope we can help you continue on that path.
Sounds like you have done a lot of things right already, hope we can help you continue on that path.
You'll find lots of support and good ideas here. Congrats on six days sober! 
Reality...what a concept!
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: CT, USA
Posts: 1,232
Hi J and welcome! You and I are about the same age and share almost the same story - drinking wine alone, hiding the evidence, daily withdrawal only to cave again that night. Always making sure you had enough wine to sustain at least a couple days.
My journey started on December 31st - New Year's Eve...I tried getting into rehab but couldn't due to the holiday, so I got a mild sedative from my doctor and went to an AA meeting. I have also researched SMART, LifeRing, and other behavioral modification techniques. But I have found everyone and everything here on SR to be the most helpful.
You have an excellent outlook as far as taking what works for you with different programs. The beauty of SR is it is here 24/7 and wherever you may be.
Good luck and stay strong 💪
My journey started on December 31st - New Year's Eve...I tried getting into rehab but couldn't due to the holiday, so I got a mild sedative from my doctor and went to an AA meeting. I have also researched SMART, LifeRing, and other behavioral modification techniques. But I have found everyone and everything here on SR to be the most helpful.
You have an excellent outlook as far as taking what works for you with different programs. The beauty of SR is it is here 24/7 and wherever you may be.
Good luck and stay strong 💪
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Good to meet you, jseattle! Being part of our community will be a great addition to the other things you've done to help yourself. We all understand what you're going through. We look forward to being part of your journey. Glad you found us! 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome to you, jseattle.
my story and yours are similar: the hiding, pretending, drinking at home in the evenings, inasbiolity to quit and stay that way.
i finally managed when i was 51, and i can tell you that one of the first clear and obvious improvements was the easing of shame. i started smiling atfolks here and there a bit more, and making more eye-contact.
still improving
congratulations on your six sober days.
stick around; it's a good place.
my story and yours are similar: the hiding, pretending, drinking at home in the evenings, inasbiolity to quit and stay that way.
i finally managed when i was 51, and i can tell you that one of the first clear and obvious improvements was the easing of shame. i started smiling atfolks here and there a bit more, and making more eye-contact.
still improving
congratulations on your six sober days.
stick around; it's a good place.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Island of the Misfit Toys
Posts: 22
Welcome to the forum Jseattle. This is a good place to be especially if you are a bit challenged by being in group in person.
That said, I still would encourage a visit to an AA meeting in a local area say like Bellevue or Medina, as opposed to 4th ave. downtown.
Believe me, there are drunks in the upper strata of our "caste" social structure. Makes no difference from a Prince to paupers,alcohol humbles all.
That said, I still would encourage a visit to an AA meeting in a local area say like Bellevue or Medina, as opposed to 4th ave. downtown.
Believe me, there are drunks in the upper strata of our "caste" social structure. Makes no difference from a Prince to paupers,alcohol humbles all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Above The Ground,USA
Posts: 9
Welcome Jseattle,
We share similar stories too. I was hiding my drinking from my family and friends. I couldn't wait to get off work so that I could go home and open a bottle of wine. This is day 5 for me. I quit drinking in the past, but it wouldn't last longer than 2 weeks at a time. I find motivation and encouragement every time I log on to this site. Thanks SR.
We share similar stories too. I was hiding my drinking from my family and friends. I couldn't wait to get off work so that I could go home and open a bottle of wine. This is day 5 for me. I quit drinking in the past, but it wouldn't last longer than 2 weeks at a time. I find motivation and encouragement every time I log on to this site. Thanks SR.
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