Bad Day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Rugby UK
Posts: 3
Bad Day
Having a bad day today.
Walked through the door tonight and just cried.
My boyfriend is in rehab (albeit a very open one). He is working and can come and go as he pleases.
When he was going into rehab we discussed him getting counselling as part of it his recovery as he has unresolved issues from the past (his mum was murdered and he was homeless and living on the streets for five years). He said he would do it. I asked him about it last night if he had discussed it with his sponsor and he said he didnt need it. Told me to stop asking questions etc etc.
At my wits end, he only ever texts me during the week and I see him at the weekend for a couple of hours.
Just feel like I am going mad. I said to him that if he wanted to do his recovery on his own he needed to tell me. He said he didnt.
Just dont know what to do so anxious and sad...
Walked through the door tonight and just cried.
My boyfriend is in rehab (albeit a very open one). He is working and can come and go as he pleases.
When he was going into rehab we discussed him getting counselling as part of it his recovery as he has unresolved issues from the past (his mum was murdered and he was homeless and living on the streets for five years). He said he would do it. I asked him about it last night if he had discussed it with his sponsor and he said he didnt need it. Told me to stop asking questions etc etc.
At my wits end, he only ever texts me during the week and I see him at the weekend for a couple of hours.
Just feel like I am going mad. I said to him that if he wanted to do his recovery on his own he needed to tell me. He said he didnt.
Just dont know what to do so anxious and sad...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm sorry you are sad. can i ask, what it is YOU think it's going to be like when he's completed rehab? how you think HE will be different? cuz rehab can help set a person on a path, but they can't make them into NEW people.....he is who he is.....
maybe it's time to back up a couple steps and let things happen as they will.
maybe it's time to back up a couple steps and let things happen as they will.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I think right now would be a time to read into detachment a little bit. I know you love him and miss you, but that might not be what he is capable of giving right now and you can't force it or it will cause resentment in you and in him and things can go down quickly.
Have you thought about what boundaries you want to set when he gets home? What are you willing to put up with and accept. Just because he is in rehab doesn't mean he is going to come home in recovery. In fact, the fact that he refuses to go to counseling hints that he might not be fully invested in his recovery after all.
My addict is in prison, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what he chooses to do with his life I WILL BE OKAY. Sure, I want us to get married, and have babies, and live happily ever after..But If he comes home and he goes back to his own ways, I have promised myself to walk away. I am a recovering heroin addict and I cannot allow him to ruin all the major progress I have made. You need to prepare all outcomes and the most important part Is knowing you will be okay despite what he does with his life.
HUGS
Have you thought about what boundaries you want to set when he gets home? What are you willing to put up with and accept. Just because he is in rehab doesn't mean he is going to come home in recovery. In fact, the fact that he refuses to go to counseling hints that he might not be fully invested in his recovery after all.
My addict is in prison, and I have had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what he chooses to do with his life I WILL BE OKAY. Sure, I want us to get married, and have babies, and live happily ever after..But If he comes home and he goes back to his own ways, I have promised myself to walk away. I am a recovering heroin addict and I cannot allow him to ruin all the major progress I have made. You need to prepare all outcomes and the most important part Is knowing you will be okay despite what he does with his life.
HUGS
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry you are sad, perhaps getting some counseling for yourself might be helpful.
While he is in rehab, he will have the opportunity to talk to counselors who may help him work through his childhood issues and the murder of his mother. Whether he chooses to take that opportunity or not is really up to him.
We can't make them get better, they have to do that on their own when they are ready.
But we can take good care of ourselves and find our balance so that we can handle life no matter how the future unfolds.
Hugs
While he is in rehab, he will have the opportunity to talk to counselors who may help him work through his childhood issues and the murder of his mother. Whether he chooses to take that opportunity or not is really up to him.
We can't make them get better, they have to do that on their own when they are ready.
But we can take good care of ourselves and find our balance so that we can handle life no matter how the future unfolds.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
The only thing I have found to ease the pain of my addicts behavior is to focus on my own life and doing normal things that bring me peace and joy. A yoga class, grocery shopping, anything.
Even when an addict wants you to be part of thier recovery, they are able to be only so "available" to you. They will be focused on thier work (hopefully) and so it is likely you'll get few, if any, of your relationship needs met by them while they are going through it.
It is important that you take care of that yourself and keep your own detachment so you can evaluate things as they unfold.
Another consolation I got was by the poem, letting go with love. You can find it by seaching google. I have read it about a millin times.
I also found support here on soberrecovery, in Naranon meetings, church, family and even work.
Prayers that you find peace in your journey and your addict finds peace in his.
Even when an addict wants you to be part of thier recovery, they are able to be only so "available" to you. They will be focused on thier work (hopefully) and so it is likely you'll get few, if any, of your relationship needs met by them while they are going through it.
It is important that you take care of that yourself and keep your own detachment so you can evaluate things as they unfold.
Another consolation I got was by the poem, letting go with love. You can find it by seaching google. I have read it about a millin times.
I also found support here on soberrecovery, in Naranon meetings, church, family and even work.
Prayers that you find peace in your journey and your addict finds peace in his.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
I got involved in Alanon. Before I could detach and allow Mr. Magic to do what he needed to do without my interference, I had to get involved in things that took my attention off him. Going to meetings, working with a sponsor, volunteering to help the group, and focusing on my own obsessive behaviors were ways I was able to detach. I learned that trying to control another person's recovery process was not my business. Recovery and learning to make decisions based on how things really are, instead of trying to make them what I want them to be, is where I try to stay.
Sometimes, I need to do things to feel better NOW. I just posted a thread a couple of days ago asking for some suggestions on what people were doing to feel good now. I got some amazing answers and put a few to work for me yesterday. Take care, and be good to yourself! Hugs, Magic
Sometimes, I need to do things to feel better NOW. I just posted a thread a couple of days ago asking for some suggestions on what people were doing to feel good now. I got some amazing answers and put a few to work for me yesterday. Take care, and be good to yourself! Hugs, Magic
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