In serious need of someone's opinion right now
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 2
In serious need of someone's opinion right now
Hello everyone, this is my first post and it is going to be a long one. I really hope someone takes the time to read it and offer some advise, cause I am at a tipping point where I am going to act and it is going to cause serious effects on both sides.
The issue I am having is related to my wife. We have been married for 8 years now and she is a recovering addict. We have a 6 year old son together and have been pretty happy with each other as far as relationships go. She has been in methadone maintenance since a few months before finding out she was pregnant. We were incredibly lucky that our son was as strong as he is, he did not show ANY signs of opiate withdrawal, AT ALL. He is the toughest child I have ever known. We brought him in for a check up at 6 months old to the pediatrician, and she told us that he had pneumonia! We had no idea, he was just as happy as could be, slept normally, ate normally, no physical symptoms at all. Even today if he is sick, no signs at all still running around playing and smiling, until I feel his forehead and use a thermometer and is burning up with a 103 fever.
Aside from our incredible son and absolutely amazing pregnancy having no complications at all with withdrawal or anything else, her and I get along well and really are a pretty basic family, we don't have much money but the bills get paid. I am the one who works, and she stays home. This arrangement has worked ok for the last 7 years, yet I have noticed a developing trend in her behavior over the past 5 years. She shows incredible immediate potential to do things in her life, but when it comes to putting these things into action, nothing ever seems to happen. She makes a list of steps to get a certain thing done, then puts it in a drawer or between the pages of a book and shelves the whole thing and nothing will ever get done. If I bring the subject up, such as "How are things coming with .... ....?" and "are you going to do it soon?" The usual conversation goes "I'm looking in to it" or "I don't have the time since I don't have the car while you are at work" or "Who will watch (our son) while you are at work?". Well, for the first 5 years these excuses have managed to work with me, as I have always tried to see things from her point of view in this respect.
I agree with her, finding the time to get things done is not easy especially in our situation, as we only have one car, one paycheck, no family support (grandparents) on either side to watch our son, etc. I have always been there and supported anything she has wanted to do, only nothing ever seems to get done. She had me convinced that she was going to start working once our son started full time kindergarten, but still to this day doesn't do anything to further that thought.
I want her to take charge of her life, and do and fix the things she has started or set out to do but she always seems to make a list and shelve the action plan.
It is hard to make time these days, but in my experience the time can be found. I usually make time for things by overcoming common excuses such as "It's my only day off, I'm just going to be lazy today". If I REALLY need to get something done I can usually get it done, it just takes that much more work, planning and thought to work around other things in order to make it happen. I'm sorry, but I am a go-getter type person. My wife is the complete opposite. She will completely put things off to the last minute, then get mad at the world and everyone in it when things do not work.
Like for instance, our son started kindergarten September 2015. She said she would take care of everything that needed to get him enrolled the summer before school started. I kept reminding her, middle of August, is he all set for school? She said "registration hasn't started yet". She got mad at me for meddling in things that she could do, she constantly says that "I am fully capable of taking care of these things, stay out of them!" So I let her completely take care of that, as she got mad at me for even asking. 3 days before school started, I drove by a sign in front of the school that said "Registration is now OVER, look forward to the new students!" I asked her again, "Did you get him enrolled yet?" She said "I haven't heard anything about needing to register him, so I guess it will happen at the start of school." I said NO! the sign at the school said registration is over! She said "No it's not!?" all surprised and stuff. I went online to the school district's website and showed her, sure enough it was. She started freaking out and on top of that I lost it on her, I was so frustrated. I couldn't believe she waited till the last minute, when it took 2 minutes to go on the school board website and find out what to do. She went up to the school the next day and they allowed her to register, but he needed to get his immunizations before he was allowed to start. This was also something that could have been prevented with 2 minutes of looking up or calling. So I had to take time off work to run him up to the doctor's office the next day, when smart scheduling and thinking for 10 minutes would have allowed her to keep the car and I could get a ride to and from work by a friend.
She doesn't care about her health. She knows she has a thyroid issue, and has had cervical cancer when she was younger. We HAVE health insurance, I pay $700 a month for the top of the top plan, medical/dental/vision, she doesn't use it. She has not had a PAP test (something that all females should have done at least once a year) since our son was born, she will not take her thyroid medication because it makes her feel crazy, but will not work with a doctor to get it fixed. Her smoking has made her bottom front gum line recede to the point where all 4 of her bottom front teeth are loose and about to fall out because of periodontal disease. Does she care? NO! I care about those things more that she does and it pisses me off! All it would take to fix many of these things is some simple scheduling and planning, maybe 30 minutes of her day and they would all be solved. Instead, to save her front teeth, I had to schedule the dentist appointment. She doesn't care!
These are just a few instances where it took my intervening in matters that she could easily handle from home, there are MANY of these instances, such as scheduling a dentist appointment. She said she wanted all of us to go as a family, and I told her to set it up. She did nothing at all, even with constant reminders. I made a phone call on my lunch break, got us all set up at a local dentist office in 1o minutes. She got mad at me for taking care of it, but I was not going to wait any longer to get my son to a freaking dentist for his first checkup.
This has also applied to her trying to get a job. There is always something or some excuse as to why it can't get done. So, this gives a glimpse of the kind of mentality she has in terms of getting things done, she waits for me to do it because I am somehow this magical being who can do things easier than she can. I am getting really tired of this.
When she is home alone by herself all day, I have asked her to try being more active even something as simple as going for a walk, as it will keep her healthy, bring more energy and motivation to her to get things done. Nope. She only eats junk food and other crap, then sleeps and watches TV shows all day. She does do laundry every other week, I will give her that. She HATES doing dishes, and will let them pile up to the point where I cannot stand them so I end up doing them. Same goes with the trash can in the kitchen. It has been this way for 7 years. She hates the idea of being little miss house wife, which is fine and I get that, but does nothing to change the situation she is in.
She is an amazing mother to our son, and will do ANYTHING in the world for him. Don't get me wrong in this respect, I could not ask for a better mother to him. BUT, and there is always a but...
She has no drive to do anything else. At first, the MMT was making her a zombie and I was ok with that because it allowed her to stabilize her life off of the pills. She has come down in dose from 160mg's to 40mg's, in hopes that her energy levels would come back and the nodding would quit. The nodding out stopped, but her energy levels have not improved. I don't know what is wrong, because she will NOT see a doctor.
On top of everything, the past 4 years have had her addictive personality kick in. She now likes to drink these things called "bootleggers" 12% alcohol little shots, and will have 3 or 4 of them a night. She also takes diphenhydramine based sleeping pills on a regular basis. She also is prescribed adderall by the doctor at the MMT clinic, to try and help with the energy levels. The Adderall works for like a week, cause she eats the entire bottle of pills, then crashes like hell for the rest of the month and is even more useless (I hate those adderall because of that, its basically pharmaceutical grade methamphetamine). On top of everything, she KNOWS and is fully aware that I HATE all the extra substances she puts into her body, but does it anyways, and will tell me off for even remotely suggesting that she should think about what she does with alcohol/sleeping pills/adderall before actually doing these things. I realize this is addict behavior, and it will probably never change. It certainly hasn't over the past 7 years. Not to mention that I AM PAYING FOR ALL OF THIS!!! Anytime I bring that up, that I pay for her cigarettes/alcohol/sleeping pills/adderall/health insurance/car insurance and gasoline/MMT clinic fees/groceries/cable, internet and phone/etc, she has the nerve to get mad and say "well just don't pay for anything anymore then, I’ll figure it out myself" then storm out of the house to buy alcohol/sleeping pills with MY bank card driving MY car. Its a freaking lose/lose scenario.
I have learned over the past year that even if the addict says they are doing well, their attitude and compulsions can be totally different. The funny thing is, she will drink, get drunk, then complain about how she has heartburn, then say something like "I'm never drinking again, I hate this" but ONLY AFTER she has already consumed the substance. It was like this all the time when she was on pills, nothing has changed. She would not care about anyone while she was on the hunt for her pills, then once she took them and her mind mellowed out/got high/felt normal/etc, she would cry about not wanting to take pills anymore! The only thing that has changed in the last 7 years is the substance, she jumped from pills to methadone, now that she knows her dose is a constant thing, she is constantly looking to "overdo" things on top of it like drink, sleeping pills, adderall, etc. and her excuse is always "well, it's legal" or "a doctor prescribed them to me"
Now that you have a little glimpse of what she is REALLY like, I will get into my whole reason for even writing this post. It is because of what she said while I was talking to her on the phone while I was driving home from work. We were talking about what we should eat for dinner. After we agreed on dinner, this is our conversation afterwards:
her: oh, and can you get me some sleeping pills too?
me: why do you need those things? you sleep like a rock during the day!
her: I can't sleep at night, and I really want to get some good sleep tonight.
me: well how come you can't sleep good at night?
her: between you and our son farting and flailing around and taking the blankets, how can I?
me: well we will go sleep somewhere else if its really bothering you that much!
her: NO! I want to sleep with my family!
me: I would rather sleep on the couch then cause you the need to take sleeping pills
her: if you don't get them for me, I will go and get them once you get home.
me: If you have that much of an issue sleeping, you need to address the root cause as to why your NOT sleeping good, something must be wrong we might need to see the doctor. I don't want you taking substances to assist your natural bodily functions. You shouldn't need to take anything if everything is alright
her: I don't get on to you about anything, quit getting on to me about what I want to do
me: I'm not going to get you them, you can get them and yourself something to eat if you want them that bad.
her: ok, I'll see you soon.
Something snapped in me today after this phone call. I realized and confirmed what I did not initially want to believe was true: Nothing has changed, only the substances involved. What the **** do I do now? I have always wanted to be the type of person to help in any way that I could. She has had every opportunity to do well for herself over the past 7 years. Nothing has changed. I cannot continue living and being in a relationship with someone who does not want to do anything to better themselves, other than sleep all day and live the way she has been living.
Please tell me I am not alone in this, and someone has been here. I came home today, went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to take a ****, and I guess she did not know I came home. I overheard her talking **** about me to her dad like this:
her: can you believe he has the nerve to tell me what I can and can't do? **** him, I'm grown and I will do what I want!
I have never once talked **** about my wife, to any of my family or friends, or wanted to leave her at any point. But I never thought she talked about me that way with other people. No wonder her whole family hates me! They all think I'm trying to control her and ruin her life! Well, of course they would if she talks like that to them about me. I stayed quiet in the bathroom, until she went outside to smoke. I walked out and went to my computer, as I was so mad in the face, I could feel my eyes starting to glaze over. When she walked inside, and started to sweet talk me, I got up out of my chair and went for a ******* walk cause I did not want to explode on her in front of our son. I was gone for at least an hour until I cooled off. When I walked back in, she tried to sweet talk me again and I told her to leave me alone. She got mad, and went upstairs. She has not been down since.
I don't know what to do, but I really don't want to continue feeling like this anymore, this hopelessness that the one person I actually thought was my best friend, the mother of my child, is still continuing with her addict behavior just with different substances. The hard part about all of this is everything we have been through, she still does not care what I think about her health or my ability to see and know when something is not right with her, not one bit! And I don't think another year or another 7 years is going to make her change, as she does not feel like she should or has to change! She has always had someone who was there for her, to support her monetarily, but I can't continue doing this if this is how it will always be.
Please, I need someone to read this and tell me what I should do? Like I said, I can't keep feeling like this, feeding her habits, and having myself or her nothing to show for any of the effort. I really wanted to end it with her about 3 hours ago, but my logic kicked in to get a second opinion before I actually followed through with it.
I will be eagerly awaiting responses. Thanks for reading this huge rant, it helped me a lot just to write it. I'm still shaking with anger and fear though. Please respond! Thank you!
The issue I am having is related to my wife. We have been married for 8 years now and she is a recovering addict. We have a 6 year old son together and have been pretty happy with each other as far as relationships go. She has been in methadone maintenance since a few months before finding out she was pregnant. We were incredibly lucky that our son was as strong as he is, he did not show ANY signs of opiate withdrawal, AT ALL. He is the toughest child I have ever known. We brought him in for a check up at 6 months old to the pediatrician, and she told us that he had pneumonia! We had no idea, he was just as happy as could be, slept normally, ate normally, no physical symptoms at all. Even today if he is sick, no signs at all still running around playing and smiling, until I feel his forehead and use a thermometer and is burning up with a 103 fever.
Aside from our incredible son and absolutely amazing pregnancy having no complications at all with withdrawal or anything else, her and I get along well and really are a pretty basic family, we don't have much money but the bills get paid. I am the one who works, and she stays home. This arrangement has worked ok for the last 7 years, yet I have noticed a developing trend in her behavior over the past 5 years. She shows incredible immediate potential to do things in her life, but when it comes to putting these things into action, nothing ever seems to happen. She makes a list of steps to get a certain thing done, then puts it in a drawer or between the pages of a book and shelves the whole thing and nothing will ever get done. If I bring the subject up, such as "How are things coming with .... ....?" and "are you going to do it soon?" The usual conversation goes "I'm looking in to it" or "I don't have the time since I don't have the car while you are at work" or "Who will watch (our son) while you are at work?". Well, for the first 5 years these excuses have managed to work with me, as I have always tried to see things from her point of view in this respect.
I agree with her, finding the time to get things done is not easy especially in our situation, as we only have one car, one paycheck, no family support (grandparents) on either side to watch our son, etc. I have always been there and supported anything she has wanted to do, only nothing ever seems to get done. She had me convinced that she was going to start working once our son started full time kindergarten, but still to this day doesn't do anything to further that thought.
I want her to take charge of her life, and do and fix the things she has started or set out to do but she always seems to make a list and shelve the action plan.
It is hard to make time these days, but in my experience the time can be found. I usually make time for things by overcoming common excuses such as "It's my only day off, I'm just going to be lazy today". If I REALLY need to get something done I can usually get it done, it just takes that much more work, planning and thought to work around other things in order to make it happen. I'm sorry, but I am a go-getter type person. My wife is the complete opposite. She will completely put things off to the last minute, then get mad at the world and everyone in it when things do not work.
Like for instance, our son started kindergarten September 2015. She said she would take care of everything that needed to get him enrolled the summer before school started. I kept reminding her, middle of August, is he all set for school? She said "registration hasn't started yet". She got mad at me for meddling in things that she could do, she constantly says that "I am fully capable of taking care of these things, stay out of them!" So I let her completely take care of that, as she got mad at me for even asking. 3 days before school started, I drove by a sign in front of the school that said "Registration is now OVER, look forward to the new students!" I asked her again, "Did you get him enrolled yet?" She said "I haven't heard anything about needing to register him, so I guess it will happen at the start of school." I said NO! the sign at the school said registration is over! She said "No it's not!?" all surprised and stuff. I went online to the school district's website and showed her, sure enough it was. She started freaking out and on top of that I lost it on her, I was so frustrated. I couldn't believe she waited till the last minute, when it took 2 minutes to go on the school board website and find out what to do. She went up to the school the next day and they allowed her to register, but he needed to get his immunizations before he was allowed to start. This was also something that could have been prevented with 2 minutes of looking up or calling. So I had to take time off work to run him up to the doctor's office the next day, when smart scheduling and thinking for 10 minutes would have allowed her to keep the car and I could get a ride to and from work by a friend.
She doesn't care about her health. She knows she has a thyroid issue, and has had cervical cancer when she was younger. We HAVE health insurance, I pay $700 a month for the top of the top plan, medical/dental/vision, she doesn't use it. She has not had a PAP test (something that all females should have done at least once a year) since our son was born, she will not take her thyroid medication because it makes her feel crazy, but will not work with a doctor to get it fixed. Her smoking has made her bottom front gum line recede to the point where all 4 of her bottom front teeth are loose and about to fall out because of periodontal disease. Does she care? NO! I care about those things more that she does and it pisses me off! All it would take to fix many of these things is some simple scheduling and planning, maybe 30 minutes of her day and they would all be solved. Instead, to save her front teeth, I had to schedule the dentist appointment. She doesn't care!
These are just a few instances where it took my intervening in matters that she could easily handle from home, there are MANY of these instances, such as scheduling a dentist appointment. She said she wanted all of us to go as a family, and I told her to set it up. She did nothing at all, even with constant reminders. I made a phone call on my lunch break, got us all set up at a local dentist office in 1o minutes. She got mad at me for taking care of it, but I was not going to wait any longer to get my son to a freaking dentist for his first checkup.
This has also applied to her trying to get a job. There is always something or some excuse as to why it can't get done. So, this gives a glimpse of the kind of mentality she has in terms of getting things done, she waits for me to do it because I am somehow this magical being who can do things easier than she can. I am getting really tired of this.
When she is home alone by herself all day, I have asked her to try being more active even something as simple as going for a walk, as it will keep her healthy, bring more energy and motivation to her to get things done. Nope. She only eats junk food and other crap, then sleeps and watches TV shows all day. She does do laundry every other week, I will give her that. She HATES doing dishes, and will let them pile up to the point where I cannot stand them so I end up doing them. Same goes with the trash can in the kitchen. It has been this way for 7 years. She hates the idea of being little miss house wife, which is fine and I get that, but does nothing to change the situation she is in.
She is an amazing mother to our son, and will do ANYTHING in the world for him. Don't get me wrong in this respect, I could not ask for a better mother to him. BUT, and there is always a but...
She has no drive to do anything else. At first, the MMT was making her a zombie and I was ok with that because it allowed her to stabilize her life off of the pills. She has come down in dose from 160mg's to 40mg's, in hopes that her energy levels would come back and the nodding would quit. The nodding out stopped, but her energy levels have not improved. I don't know what is wrong, because she will NOT see a doctor.
On top of everything, the past 4 years have had her addictive personality kick in. She now likes to drink these things called "bootleggers" 12% alcohol little shots, and will have 3 or 4 of them a night. She also takes diphenhydramine based sleeping pills on a regular basis. She also is prescribed adderall by the doctor at the MMT clinic, to try and help with the energy levels. The Adderall works for like a week, cause she eats the entire bottle of pills, then crashes like hell for the rest of the month and is even more useless (I hate those adderall because of that, its basically pharmaceutical grade methamphetamine). On top of everything, she KNOWS and is fully aware that I HATE all the extra substances she puts into her body, but does it anyways, and will tell me off for even remotely suggesting that she should think about what she does with alcohol/sleeping pills/adderall before actually doing these things. I realize this is addict behavior, and it will probably never change. It certainly hasn't over the past 7 years. Not to mention that I AM PAYING FOR ALL OF THIS!!! Anytime I bring that up, that I pay for her cigarettes/alcohol/sleeping pills/adderall/health insurance/car insurance and gasoline/MMT clinic fees/groceries/cable, internet and phone/etc, she has the nerve to get mad and say "well just don't pay for anything anymore then, I’ll figure it out myself" then storm out of the house to buy alcohol/sleeping pills with MY bank card driving MY car. Its a freaking lose/lose scenario.
I have learned over the past year that even if the addict says they are doing well, their attitude and compulsions can be totally different. The funny thing is, she will drink, get drunk, then complain about how she has heartburn, then say something like "I'm never drinking again, I hate this" but ONLY AFTER she has already consumed the substance. It was like this all the time when she was on pills, nothing has changed. She would not care about anyone while she was on the hunt for her pills, then once she took them and her mind mellowed out/got high/felt normal/etc, she would cry about not wanting to take pills anymore! The only thing that has changed in the last 7 years is the substance, she jumped from pills to methadone, now that she knows her dose is a constant thing, she is constantly looking to "overdo" things on top of it like drink, sleeping pills, adderall, etc. and her excuse is always "well, it's legal" or "a doctor prescribed them to me"
Now that you have a little glimpse of what she is REALLY like, I will get into my whole reason for even writing this post. It is because of what she said while I was talking to her on the phone while I was driving home from work. We were talking about what we should eat for dinner. After we agreed on dinner, this is our conversation afterwards:
her: oh, and can you get me some sleeping pills too?
me: why do you need those things? you sleep like a rock during the day!
her: I can't sleep at night, and I really want to get some good sleep tonight.
me: well how come you can't sleep good at night?
her: between you and our son farting and flailing around and taking the blankets, how can I?
me: well we will go sleep somewhere else if its really bothering you that much!
her: NO! I want to sleep with my family!
me: I would rather sleep on the couch then cause you the need to take sleeping pills
her: if you don't get them for me, I will go and get them once you get home.
me: If you have that much of an issue sleeping, you need to address the root cause as to why your NOT sleeping good, something must be wrong we might need to see the doctor. I don't want you taking substances to assist your natural bodily functions. You shouldn't need to take anything if everything is alright
her: I don't get on to you about anything, quit getting on to me about what I want to do
me: I'm not going to get you them, you can get them and yourself something to eat if you want them that bad.
her: ok, I'll see you soon.
Something snapped in me today after this phone call. I realized and confirmed what I did not initially want to believe was true: Nothing has changed, only the substances involved. What the **** do I do now? I have always wanted to be the type of person to help in any way that I could. She has had every opportunity to do well for herself over the past 7 years. Nothing has changed. I cannot continue living and being in a relationship with someone who does not want to do anything to better themselves, other than sleep all day and live the way she has been living.
Please tell me I am not alone in this, and someone has been here. I came home today, went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to take a ****, and I guess she did not know I came home. I overheard her talking **** about me to her dad like this:
her: can you believe he has the nerve to tell me what I can and can't do? **** him, I'm grown and I will do what I want!
I have never once talked **** about my wife, to any of my family or friends, or wanted to leave her at any point. But I never thought she talked about me that way with other people. No wonder her whole family hates me! They all think I'm trying to control her and ruin her life! Well, of course they would if she talks like that to them about me. I stayed quiet in the bathroom, until she went outside to smoke. I walked out and went to my computer, as I was so mad in the face, I could feel my eyes starting to glaze over. When she walked inside, and started to sweet talk me, I got up out of my chair and went for a ******* walk cause I did not want to explode on her in front of our son. I was gone for at least an hour until I cooled off. When I walked back in, she tried to sweet talk me again and I told her to leave me alone. She got mad, and went upstairs. She has not been down since.
I don't know what to do, but I really don't want to continue feeling like this anymore, this hopelessness that the one person I actually thought was my best friend, the mother of my child, is still continuing with her addict behavior just with different substances. The hard part about all of this is everything we have been through, she still does not care what I think about her health or my ability to see and know when something is not right with her, not one bit! And I don't think another year or another 7 years is going to make her change, as she does not feel like she should or has to change! She has always had someone who was there for her, to support her monetarily, but I can't continue doing this if this is how it will always be.
Please, I need someone to read this and tell me what I should do? Like I said, I can't keep feeling like this, feeding her habits, and having myself or her nothing to show for any of the effort. I really wanted to end it with her about 3 hours ago, but my logic kicked in to get a second opinion before I actually followed through with it.
I will be eagerly awaiting responses. Thanks for reading this huge rant, it helped me a lot just to write it. I'm still shaking with anger and fear though. Please respond! Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Venting is good. Venting here helps me keep sane, and I need all the sanity I can get!
But what a story. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
So much of your wife's behavior is/was my sister's behavior. She wants to be treated with respect - but it sounds like she doesn't have any respect for herself and expects others to provide that for her. My sister constantly accuses people of throwing her under a bus, but she does that with me, other family members, and even her own friends with impunity.
It's small comfort to know that it's easy for other people to take your wife's side because they don't know any better. However, once they realize the truth, they are going to feel especially betrayed (I was one of those people once upon a time.)
Others with way more experience about these matters will chime in soon enough. But I wanted to let you know straight away that you were heard.
But what a story. I'm sorry that you had to go through this.
So much of your wife's behavior is/was my sister's behavior. She wants to be treated with respect - but it sounds like she doesn't have any respect for herself and expects others to provide that for her. My sister constantly accuses people of throwing her under a bus, but she does that with me, other family members, and even her own friends with impunity.
It's small comfort to know that it's easy for other people to take your wife's side because they don't know any better. However, once they realize the truth, they are going to feel especially betrayed (I was one of those people once upon a time.)
Others with way more experience about these matters will chime in soon enough. But I wanted to let you know straight away that you were heard.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 124
Quick thoughts:
Yes she is an adult and no one can tell her what to do, BUT she also has to be an adult and accept that her actions have consequences. As in, they could ultimately erode your marriage.
Sounds like you're heavily ingrained in a pattern of enabling. I would suggest you read up on support vs enabling and find healthier ways for you to be a partner to her. Al Anon/Nar Anon meetings would be a great asset for you, I think. Give a few a try if you get a chance.
The behavior she has displayed sounds so familiar to me. The making of all these plans and then never actually putting them into motion. I think that goes hand in hand with addiction. "I'm going to be someone great and accomplish so much, but not today because I'm going to get high today, but it's okay that I'm just getting high today because someday I'm going to be great." Addiction is self destructive in itself. I think it takes a certain amount of self loathing. So think about it....being destructive in other ways makes sense. Just laying around and doing nothing...well what does it matter? It's better than trying something and failing right? Of course, in reality it isn't. But I think that's the mindset of someone who doesn't like themselves too much. And if you're putting poison in your body, you don't like yourself too much. I also think this line of thinking is common in those with bipolar or borderline. Not that I'm diagnosing your wife. I'll leave it to you to assess if there may be any underlying mental health issues.
As for the PAP tests, in the past few years they've said unless you're high risk you can go with just one every 3 years (at least according to my doctor), fwiw. But all the other health issues, again, sounds familiar for a person who doesn't value themselves much.
I'm so glad to hear she is good with your son. It just seems to me you've established a long standing pattern of enabling. Most of us do. It's okay. The first thing you need to know is that you don't have to do anything right this instant. Take the time to read this site and others, maybe attend some meetings, really learn about the issues. Education will be your biggest asset.
Yes she is an adult and no one can tell her what to do, BUT she also has to be an adult and accept that her actions have consequences. As in, they could ultimately erode your marriage.
Sounds like you're heavily ingrained in a pattern of enabling. I would suggest you read up on support vs enabling and find healthier ways for you to be a partner to her. Al Anon/Nar Anon meetings would be a great asset for you, I think. Give a few a try if you get a chance.
The behavior she has displayed sounds so familiar to me. The making of all these plans and then never actually putting them into motion. I think that goes hand in hand with addiction. "I'm going to be someone great and accomplish so much, but not today because I'm going to get high today, but it's okay that I'm just getting high today because someday I'm going to be great." Addiction is self destructive in itself. I think it takes a certain amount of self loathing. So think about it....being destructive in other ways makes sense. Just laying around and doing nothing...well what does it matter? It's better than trying something and failing right? Of course, in reality it isn't. But I think that's the mindset of someone who doesn't like themselves too much. And if you're putting poison in your body, you don't like yourself too much. I also think this line of thinking is common in those with bipolar or borderline. Not that I'm diagnosing your wife. I'll leave it to you to assess if there may be any underlying mental health issues.
As for the PAP tests, in the past few years they've said unless you're high risk you can go with just one every 3 years (at least according to my doctor), fwiw. But all the other health issues, again, sounds familiar for a person who doesn't value themselves much.
I'm so glad to hear she is good with your son. It just seems to me you've established a long standing pattern of enabling. Most of us do. It's okay. The first thing you need to know is that you don't have to do anything right this instant. Take the time to read this site and others, maybe attend some meetings, really learn about the issues. Education will be your biggest asset.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Welcome to the forum. You will find many in similar situations like yourself. Nature has a funny sense of humour. Usually a co-dependant will gravitate towards an addict and vice versa. What one spouse lacks the other will pick up the pieces for. You should read more into co-dependency.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Posts: 4,215
Since you have good health insurance, finding a therapist for you to talk to who understands codependence and addiction might be really helpful. It's easy to fall into controlling and enabling behaviors in this situation, especially since your son's wellbeing is at stake here as well.
This isn't a healthy situation for any of you and I doubt it will get better through any spontaneous action on your wife's part. It sounds like the combo pack of medications she's on is basically just her new drug of choice...do they know at the MMT clinic how she's abusing the Adderall?
Start with you and your mental health and learn more about codependency. She may be an amazing mom, but I wonder if that will continue now that your son will be in school and she will have more time on her hands.
Best hopes for some good information and ultimately some peace of mind...
This isn't a healthy situation for any of you and I doubt it will get better through any spontaneous action on your wife's part. It sounds like the combo pack of medications she's on is basically just her new drug of choice...do they know at the MMT clinic how she's abusing the Adderall?
Start with you and your mental health and learn more about codependency. She may be an amazing mom, but I wonder if that will continue now that your son will be in school and she will have more time on her hands.
Best hopes for some good information and ultimately some peace of mind...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
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Replying
Wow, that was quick! Thanks to all who have responded so far. I know I express the tell tale symptoms of being an enabler and definitely a co-dependent, but today was different as I really truly had a fast glimpse into the future of our lives not being any different anytime soon.
I have been to an NA meeting once, and this was at the beginning of our relationship when she was still chasing pills, because I guess it was kind of like it is now, sort of a "what do I do now?" moment. I went in as a spectator just to listen to others in the meeting, and it was extremely interesting to get to listen to the struggles of everyone there. I ended up finding my answer after that meeting, it was pretty cut and dry, I asked my wife to at least try something different, and if not I was finished. That was when she went into MMT, and she was very stable after a few weeks into the program. It has been within the past 4 or so years that I have noticed classic addict traits starting to poke their heads out of her looking for trouble. About 2 years ago she drank so much and passed out, that my son was yelling for her to get off of him because she had passed out on top of him. I was in the shower and I heard him yelling, I got out quick and saw her passed out. I tried shaking her and she didn't wake up.
That was the first time I ever raised a hand to my wife, but I ended up slapping her in the face hard enough to wake her up. She was shocked at first then started bawling her eyes out at what she did. She didn't do ANY substances again for about 3 months. After that, it slowly started again. Like a lot of you stated, something has to change, be it counseling or something, but it can't be like this anymore, it's not healthy. I like what one of you said "what happens now that your son is in school and she now has more free time on her hands?" I honestly didn't think of that. I will think of something, and I will try my best to be calm and collective with what I say. Though I would hate for it to end badly because she is such a good mom to him. Still, her behavior has reached a point where me, as the enabler and co-dependent, is saying this is no longer acceptable and something has to change, cause what's going on now is not cutting it anymore.
Please keep on with the responses, they are being extremely helpful with the way I should approach this. Thank you to all who are putting time in to writing!
I have been to an NA meeting once, and this was at the beginning of our relationship when she was still chasing pills, because I guess it was kind of like it is now, sort of a "what do I do now?" moment. I went in as a spectator just to listen to others in the meeting, and it was extremely interesting to get to listen to the struggles of everyone there. I ended up finding my answer after that meeting, it was pretty cut and dry, I asked my wife to at least try something different, and if not I was finished. That was when she went into MMT, and she was very stable after a few weeks into the program. It has been within the past 4 or so years that I have noticed classic addict traits starting to poke their heads out of her looking for trouble. About 2 years ago she drank so much and passed out, that my son was yelling for her to get off of him because she had passed out on top of him. I was in the shower and I heard him yelling, I got out quick and saw her passed out. I tried shaking her and she didn't wake up.
That was the first time I ever raised a hand to my wife, but I ended up slapping her in the face hard enough to wake her up. She was shocked at first then started bawling her eyes out at what she did. She didn't do ANY substances again for about 3 months. After that, it slowly started again. Like a lot of you stated, something has to change, be it counseling or something, but it can't be like this anymore, it's not healthy. I like what one of you said "what happens now that your son is in school and she now has more free time on her hands?" I honestly didn't think of that. I will think of something, and I will try my best to be calm and collective with what I say. Though I would hate for it to end badly because she is such a good mom to him. Still, her behavior has reached a point where me, as the enabler and co-dependent, is saying this is no longer acceptable and something has to change, cause what's going on now is not cutting it anymore.
Please keep on with the responses, they are being extremely helpful with the way I should approach this. Thank you to all who are putting time in to writing!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Un-freakin'-believable! No, not saying I don't believe you...what I am saying is good grief what a mess ...and it doesn't seem fair... actually-I think you are being done a huge injustice. But, understand where I am coming from and that is: I've never ever had anyone else "provide" everything for me. So, it's very hard for me to conceive of where your wife gets off treating you with so much disrespect. Does she not know where/how her bread is buttered? Well, from the sounds of it, she doesn't. I do not know if she has underlying mental issues or what she is capable of truly comprehending...this could just be mainly her addiction "talking", but there could be other things messing with her thinking...it's erroneous and skewed. She sounds like she could be depressed, it sounds like her sleep cycle is messed up. She doesn't eat right, doesn't exercise. How do you get a person to improve in these areas? If she won't do it for you or herself or your marriage, would she do it for your son?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 15
I'm sorry your going through all this. I can tell you I'm in a similar situation with my addicted husband. I was paying for everything like you. He has a job but spends every cent on drugs and also stole from me all the time. We have a 6yr old son and now a 6 month old son.
After 8 years of being together and probably 7 years of his drug problem, I finally gave the ultimatum of rehab or leave. Believe me I was dreading it. I'm a terrible enabler and co-dependent. I've pretty much been a mess since, but he went. So far he has been doing well (it's been about 2 weeks now).
I suggest you get therapy for yourself and talk to someone. You also need to figure out a plan. She is not going to change unless you give her reason. You also can't make her help herself.
I hope it all works out for you. Sending well wishes and prayers!
After 8 years of being together and probably 7 years of his drug problem, I finally gave the ultimatum of rehab or leave. Believe me I was dreading it. I'm a terrible enabler and co-dependent. I've pretty much been a mess since, but he went. So far he has been doing well (it's been about 2 weeks now).
I suggest you get therapy for yourself and talk to someone. You also need to figure out a plan. She is not going to change unless you give her reason. You also can't make her help herself.
I hope it all works out for you. Sending well wishes and prayers!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Dr, what a complicated situation. I felt your frustration in every word and I shared it. You can't go on like this, and she is getting worse too. She might be a fantastic mother now, but she's deteriorating over time. It's good she doesn't have access to a car with the cocktail she's on now.
She's not admitting she has a problem (protecting her addiction) and she had little chance of turning her life around without serious treatment. You can't force her to go to rehab, and I mean long-term rehab because of the depth of her problem, but if you do leave, she's likely to offer to go. For all her disrespect, she's on a good ticket now and you leaving would threaten that.
You don't have to decide anything today, but do invest in as much study of addiction, therapy and Nar-anon attendance as you can. And stop feeling you have some control over this, or you can stop her taking pills by talking her out of it. Your attempts at control are futile and frustrating for both of you. She is an addict; no other explanation necessary, and she's not going to stop no matter what you do until she wants to herself. You leaving might give her the incentive so think about what you'll do if she agrees to rehab.
She's not admitting she has a problem (protecting her addiction) and she had little chance of turning her life around without serious treatment. You can't force her to go to rehab, and I mean long-term rehab because of the depth of her problem, but if you do leave, she's likely to offer to go. For all her disrespect, she's on a good ticket now and you leaving would threaten that.
You don't have to decide anything today, but do invest in as much study of addiction, therapy and Nar-anon attendance as you can. And stop feeling you have some control over this, or you can stop her taking pills by talking her out of it. Your attempts at control are futile and frustrating for both of you. She is an addict; no other explanation necessary, and she's not going to stop no matter what you do until she wants to herself. You leaving might give her the incentive so think about what you'll do if she agrees to rehab.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome to SR,
I think if you start making decisions based on your own peace of mind and the safety/well-being of your child, it will help you a great deal in the enabling/codependency.
A book that helped me tremendously is Codependent No More by Beattie.
I think if you start making decisions based on your own peace of mind and the safety/well-being of your child, it will help you a great deal in the enabling/codependency.
A book that helped me tremendously is Codependent No More by Beattie.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree with reading the book Codependent No More....as well as some counseling/therapy for just you. I think like so many of us we eventually come to the realization that what we see is what we see with and from the addict and the excuses and justifications we once made no longer fit into our reality.
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