Starting not to care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
Starting not to care
I’ve been with my fiancé for about seven years now and we’ve living together for the past two years. It took some time for me to realize he had an issue with alcohol. Early on, the relationship was long distance so we didn’t get to see each other often and when we did, it was just for the weekend. There were times he would drink but I figured that maybe it is the only time he got to relax and that was how he relaxed. (My maternal grandfather and my dad drink but never “got messed up” that I recall. So, that was my frame of thinking. Although I didn’t and still don’t drink myself.)
As time went on and we spent more time together, I begun to see the signs that it was more than just “relaxing” or a social drink. There were weekends where I would catch him peeing in the trash can, corner of the room, closet, wherever he pleased when he was drunk. I would tell him what he did afterwards but either he didn’t believe me or there was some excuse (he dropped water, there must be a leak somewhere, etc). I knew better but usually at that point was I was tired of arguing about what he did. He would later admit to it, apologize several times for it and straighten up for a short period of time before doing it again.
Fast forward to us moving together two years ago…It was the first time in the relationship we would spend so much time together and I further realized that the drinking was definitely not social/weekend-only. But, I felt stuck. We were expecting a child together and surely, us starting a life together would change things, right? How silly I was to think that.
I would say that at some point over the past year, I began to start not caring. I still love him very much, but I started to give up the idea that he would change, that he would finally hear me and get help.
Over the past couple of weeks, that feeling seems to have intensified. I have found myself making long-term plans that don’t include him, starting to look at other housing that I can afford on my own, stashing away money, etc.
As much as I love him, I can’t take the constant drinking, being at work worrying about what he’s doing on his day off, etc. Nor can I take him being drunk and peeing around the house (that I end up cleaning up), him getting upset at goodness knows what and punching holes in the wall, or trying to cover for him when he’s too hungover to go to work.
I’ve tried talking to him when he’s sober and letting him know what he does when he’s drinking. I’ve even used my phone to videotape him and show him later. Nothing has helped.
Earlier this week, I talked with a cousin of his (they practically grew up together as brothers) and we discussed what was going on. They kept saying that I should do more to help their cousin, that I should be looking for treatment options, that I talk to them, etc. Everything I have been trying to do for years! They even asked me how would I feel if something was to happen to them and I didn’t do everything I could do to help them or support them.
I’m just tired. I don’t have the energy to keep fighting for him and wanting more for him than he wants for himself. Again, I love him but I’m truly drained and at lost. Am I wrong for “giving up” or should I be trying to do more?
(sorry for the long post)
As time went on and we spent more time together, I begun to see the signs that it was more than just “relaxing” or a social drink. There were weekends where I would catch him peeing in the trash can, corner of the room, closet, wherever he pleased when he was drunk. I would tell him what he did afterwards but either he didn’t believe me or there was some excuse (he dropped water, there must be a leak somewhere, etc). I knew better but usually at that point was I was tired of arguing about what he did. He would later admit to it, apologize several times for it and straighten up for a short period of time before doing it again.
Fast forward to us moving together two years ago…It was the first time in the relationship we would spend so much time together and I further realized that the drinking was definitely not social/weekend-only. But, I felt stuck. We were expecting a child together and surely, us starting a life together would change things, right? How silly I was to think that.
I would say that at some point over the past year, I began to start not caring. I still love him very much, but I started to give up the idea that he would change, that he would finally hear me and get help.
Over the past couple of weeks, that feeling seems to have intensified. I have found myself making long-term plans that don’t include him, starting to look at other housing that I can afford on my own, stashing away money, etc.
As much as I love him, I can’t take the constant drinking, being at work worrying about what he’s doing on his day off, etc. Nor can I take him being drunk and peeing around the house (that I end up cleaning up), him getting upset at goodness knows what and punching holes in the wall, or trying to cover for him when he’s too hungover to go to work.
I’ve tried talking to him when he’s sober and letting him know what he does when he’s drinking. I’ve even used my phone to videotape him and show him later. Nothing has helped.
Earlier this week, I talked with a cousin of his (they practically grew up together as brothers) and we discussed what was going on. They kept saying that I should do more to help their cousin, that I should be looking for treatment options, that I talk to them, etc. Everything I have been trying to do for years! They even asked me how would I feel if something was to happen to them and I didn’t do everything I could do to help them or support them.
I’m just tired. I don’t have the energy to keep fighting for him and wanting more for him than he wants for himself. Again, I love him but I’m truly drained and at lost. Am I wrong for “giving up” or should I be trying to do more?
(sorry for the long post)
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Knowledge, your post wasn't long for a first post. You had a lot to tell.
I think you'd benefit from attending Al-anon (for the families of As); it would give you some perspective on your life and knowledge you're not the only one who has been through this. Plus some tools that will help you.
Relatives of As who don't live with them are full of helpful ideas for you to try, because they think it's just a matter of 'talking' or getting them into rehab. The fact is that nothing will happen until your AH decides he wants to stop drinking. Even then it's a hard road, but it's possible. Your AH hasn't reached that point yet and it might be years before he does. In the meanwhile are you willing to sacrifice yours and your child's peace of mind?
You sound like a together kind of person. Setting up an escape fund, researching housing options etc, is the way to go. He's started getting physical, so keep quiet about your plans and seek advice and support from lawyers and DV experts about the safest way to leave. He may escalate the physical intimidation or promise you the he'll straighten up. Either way, don't allow yourself to be manipulated, stick to your plans and let time reveal all.
And you don't have to justify yourself to his relatives. They'll work it out soon enough.
I think you'd benefit from attending Al-anon (for the families of As); it would give you some perspective on your life and knowledge you're not the only one who has been through this. Plus some tools that will help you.
Relatives of As who don't live with them are full of helpful ideas for you to try, because they think it's just a matter of 'talking' or getting them into rehab. The fact is that nothing will happen until your AH decides he wants to stop drinking. Even then it's a hard road, but it's possible. Your AH hasn't reached that point yet and it might be years before he does. In the meanwhile are you willing to sacrifice yours and your child's peace of mind?
You sound like a together kind of person. Setting up an escape fund, researching housing options etc, is the way to go. He's started getting physical, so keep quiet about your plans and seek advice and support from lawyers and DV experts about the safest way to leave. He may escalate the physical intimidation or promise you the he'll straighten up. Either way, don't allow yourself to be manipulated, stick to your plans and let time reveal all.
And you don't have to justify yourself to his relatives. They'll work it out soon enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 6
Thanks! I will definitely look into that group. I hadn't thought about reaching out to lawyers, but I'll look into that as well. Thanks for the suggestion.
The conversation with his cousin was a bit shocking. He always seemed level-headed, but I wasn't expecting the conversation to go the way it did. I must admit, it did bother me quite a bit this week.
The conversation with his cousin was a bit shocking. He always seemed level-headed, but I wasn't expecting the conversation to go the way it did. I must admit, it did bother me quite a bit this week.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
K,
Good for you for reaching out, it is weird how they have the disease but we are going crazy, Alcoholism is a family disease!! I agree with feeling great, you need to protect yourself and baby k at all costs.
Alcohlism is progressive as you can see, it gets worse, rarely better. It is good that you are stashing money. Make copies of documents that are important and put them in your car or at a friends. Educate yourself about addiction and see what your future will be like living with him. Go read on sr the forum of adult children of alcoholics and see what it was like growing up in that type of home.
Knowledge is power and you are starting to take that power back. Keep reading and coming back, your life will slowly turn around. Hugs my friend, life will get better.
Good for you for reaching out, it is weird how they have the disease but we are going crazy, Alcoholism is a family disease!! I agree with feeling great, you need to protect yourself and baby k at all costs.
Alcohlism is progressive as you can see, it gets worse, rarely better. It is good that you are stashing money. Make copies of documents that are important and put them in your car or at a friends. Educate yourself about addiction and see what your future will be like living with him. Go read on sr the forum of adult children of alcoholics and see what it was like growing up in that type of home.
Knowledge is power and you are starting to take that power back. Keep reading and coming back, your life will slowly turn around. Hugs my friend, life will get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I don't think you are "giving up"...I think you are growing up. I do not mean that in any kind of condescending way, I mean it in the most positive way possible. I am glad for you that you are coming to these realizations much sooner than I (and many others here) did. I was married for over 20years ( with 2 kids) before I decided I needed more from life then my XAH was ever going to be able give me.
It is such a relief when you realize you do not have to carry their alcoholism any longer. When you no longer have to lie and hide and pretend everything is OK when it isn't, you start reclaiming parts of yourself you hadn't even noticed you'd given up. Most importantly for me was my honesty ,my creativity and my smile but also many other things as well!
I wore myself out and drove myself crazy trying to "do more" for my XAH. I am not kidding, I got so sick with anxiety, depression and stress I could hardly function as a human being. Once I realized I could not "do more" for him, that his health was his issue and my health was mine, I got started on my path to recovery. It HURT, hurt like hell, sometimes it still does... but all I ever got for trying to "help" him was more pain and more sickness. It was a horrendous cycle to be stuck in, until I realized I wasn't actually stuck.
I read here on Sober Recovery..."Nothing changes if nothing changes"... He wasn't willing to change, so I did.
I am sending you virtual hugs and wishing you strength on your journey no matter which path you choose.
It is such a relief when you realize you do not have to carry their alcoholism any longer. When you no longer have to lie and hide and pretend everything is OK when it isn't, you start reclaiming parts of yourself you hadn't even noticed you'd given up. Most importantly for me was my honesty ,my creativity and my smile but also many other things as well!
I wore myself out and drove myself crazy trying to "do more" for my XAH. I am not kidding, I got so sick with anxiety, depression and stress I could hardly function as a human being. Once I realized I could not "do more" for him, that his health was his issue and my health was mine, I got started on my path to recovery. It HURT, hurt like hell, sometimes it still does... but all I ever got for trying to "help" him was more pain and more sickness. It was a horrendous cycle to be stuck in, until I realized I wasn't actually stuck.
I read here on Sober Recovery..."Nothing changes if nothing changes"... He wasn't willing to change, so I did.
I am sending you virtual hugs and wishing you strength on your journey no matter which path you choose.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
The suggestion to go to Alanon is right on. In the program I got the support of others who were in my shoes and learned that I'm powerless over the alcoholic and his disease, the only person I could care for is myself. Ultimately I left when I realized I didn't trust or respect him, that what I called love was really need. Good for you realizing that you need help ... it's a true sign of strength. A big hug.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi Knowledge! I just wanted to say welcome. Many people here know exactly how you feel and I agree that Al-Anon would be wonderful for you. You sound like you are on the right path. In regards to his family, if you find talking to them is not helpful to you, I would say don't waste your breath. You cannot control them or what they think or do about the situation, anymore than you can control your fiances' drinking. Now is a time when you can finally be selfish and put yourself and your recovery first, ahead of everyone else. Keep posting!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If his family is so convinced they have the answers, they're welcome to come out and clean up his random urine deposits.
(Seriously, you are one patient person, because that is insanely unacceptable...)
Wishing you a happy clean future...
(Seriously, you are one patient person, because that is insanely unacceptable...)
Wishing you a happy clean future...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
not sure the person/behaviors you describe is worthy of the title of FIANCE? as in someone you want to spend the REST of your life with?
you don't HAVE to go down this road. you get to be done the moment you say you are done. what you SEE is what you GET. he's not a puppy that can't hit the piddle pad...........
you don't HAVE to go down this road. you get to be done the moment you say you are done. what you SEE is what you GET. he's not a puppy that can't hit the piddle pad...........
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Its common for people who don't understand alcoholism, or have never lived with an alcoholic to make statements like "You must get him into treatment!! You have to help him"! Its making an assumption that you haven't tried (I'm sure you have). It shows their glorious ignorance of addiction. Good for them, hope they never have to walk that road.
There is no making someone do anything, ever. To them they have no idea what its really like to live with, and out the onus on YOU to figure it out rather than where the responsibility lies.
You'll just have to ignore them . What they are saying isn't malicious; however, what they are asking for you cannot deliver. I don't see discussion of how you feel, how it affects you, your quality of life, or your child's. Move forward with your plans.
There is no making someone do anything, ever. To them they have no idea what its really like to live with, and out the onus on YOU to figure it out rather than where the responsibility lies.
You'll just have to ignore them . What they are saying isn't malicious; however, what they are asking for you cannot deliver. I don't see discussion of how you feel, how it affects you, your quality of life, or your child's. Move forward with your plans.
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