Should I get a sponsor?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Should I get a sponsor?
For those who are members of Alanon... I'm wondering about your experience. Did you do the sponsor and work the steps, or just go to meetings and get what you needed that way? I am torn as to what to do. I like the meetings and always get something out of them. I've made one friend, but haven't really connected with anyone else. I can be quite shy till I get to know people, so it is probably me, and not others. I feel like I could use a little more guidance, but im just not sure about sponsor and step work. First, I haven't really clicked with anyone that I would want as a sponsor and I am terrified of walking up to a stranger and asking for help, even though I know that this is precisely what these groups are for.... silly, I know. Second... there are some aspects of the steps that I just dont fully accept or believe. So, I dont want to waste anyone's time if I don't fully accept everything as gospel. But the idea of having a "guide" through all of this is appealing. I guess what I am getting at, is I am ready to progress a little more in my recovery and wondering if step work is necessary, or if just going to the meetings is enough? I am in therapy as well. I am wondering about others' personal experience.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I had a sponsor in Al-Anon and we got through part of the Steps before I moved.
I'd give it a shot. A lot of what a sponsor does is to help you understand the Steps. They aren't always what they sound like. And you don't have to be "buddies" with your sponsor, though she should be someone you can trust, AND someone who has worked the Steps, herself, with a sponsor.
You also can end the sponsor-sponsee relationship any time, though unless someone is clearly unhealthy for you, you need to hang in while things feel a little uncomfortable. If you find it really doesn't help you, then stop.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I'd give it a shot. A lot of what a sponsor does is to help you understand the Steps. They aren't always what they sound like. And you don't have to be "buddies" with your sponsor, though she should be someone you can trust, AND someone who has worked the Steps, herself, with a sponsor.
You also can end the sponsor-sponsee relationship any time, though unless someone is clearly unhealthy for you, you need to hang in while things feel a little uncomfortable. If you find it really doesn't help you, then stop.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In my experience meetings alone can take the edge off loneliness and it helps to vent to others who understand. But real change and growth takes a sponsor and working the steps. I didn't want to keep picking alcoholics and other needy men so work was required.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Turtle, I've heard an awful lot of people say that having a sponsor made a world of difference in their recovery. I don't have one myself at this point but like you, I'm thinking I need to give it a shot soon.
When I was brand new, I asked someone to be my sponsor w/o taking time to get to know her first and found it to be a bad fit in a number of ways: She wanted her sponsees to attend at least one meeting a week that she herself was at, and our schedules clashed, making this very difficult for me. She was NOT into communication via email at all, and I find it very useful. There was more. I don't mean to imply that she was a bad sponsor or a bad person; she clearly was a good one, as she had many sponsees (another problem; I think she may have been overloaded).
The fault was my own, in that I failed to do any research to see if we'd work as sponsor/sponsee before asking her to do this. Someone here had posted about their "interview process" for a potential sponsor, wish I could find the thread but no luck. Basically, he said he tried to have a couple potential candidates in mind. He'd then arrange to meet for coffee and chat w/each person. He would get to know them a little and keep repeating the process of meeting for coffee until it was clear to him which person would be the best choice as a sponsor. The other benefit of this, besides finding a good sponsor/sponsee fit, is that he'd get to know some other Program people better and perhaps make some new friends, too.
So yes, from all accounts, it does make a difference if you have a sponsor, but based on my experience, you do need to put some thought into choosing that person--not only should they "have what you want", but you'll want to make sure your communication styles mesh, he/she is available at the same times you are, and so on. The best sponsor in the world is going to be hard to work with if he/she wants to discuss your 4th Step over coffee after a meeting that ends at 9 PM when you have to get up and go to your job at 1 AM the next day!
When I was brand new, I asked someone to be my sponsor w/o taking time to get to know her first and found it to be a bad fit in a number of ways: She wanted her sponsees to attend at least one meeting a week that she herself was at, and our schedules clashed, making this very difficult for me. She was NOT into communication via email at all, and I find it very useful. There was more. I don't mean to imply that she was a bad sponsor or a bad person; she clearly was a good one, as she had many sponsees (another problem; I think she may have been overloaded).
The fault was my own, in that I failed to do any research to see if we'd work as sponsor/sponsee before asking her to do this. Someone here had posted about their "interview process" for a potential sponsor, wish I could find the thread but no luck. Basically, he said he tried to have a couple potential candidates in mind. He'd then arrange to meet for coffee and chat w/each person. He would get to know them a little and keep repeating the process of meeting for coffee until it was clear to him which person would be the best choice as a sponsor. The other benefit of this, besides finding a good sponsor/sponsee fit, is that he'd get to know some other Program people better and perhaps make some new friends, too.
So yes, from all accounts, it does make a difference if you have a sponsor, but based on my experience, you do need to put some thought into choosing that person--not only should they "have what you want", but you'll want to make sure your communication styles mesh, he/she is available at the same times you are, and so on. The best sponsor in the world is going to be hard to work with if he/she wants to discuss your 4th Step over coffee after a meeting that ends at 9 PM when you have to get up and go to your job at 1 AM the next day!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Thanks for the responses everyone. I think I'm going to just stay open to the idea, and when or if its time to get a sponsor, I feel the universe will sort of guide me that way. No need to rush or push anything that doesn't feel natural yet. When I think about it, I have already made alot of progress. I think I do need to overcome some of my shyness though, and try to make some new friends. Maybe a sponsor will come about this way. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
I need to make the first step of getting into a support group. The problem with me too is that I'm a shy person. The idea of going to an unfamiliar, uncomfortable place with nobody that I know does not sound appealing to me what so ever. I too have a hard time just approaching a stranger and opening up. I don't even know what to expect from these support groups like al anon. Is it sort of like AA where you go around a circle discussing each persons situation and being vulnerable to talk and open up to strangers? As a shy person, that brings up a lot of anxiety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 103
Alcoholicwife... the first step is the hardest... getting up the nerve to walk through the door. But it is very comforting to be in the company of others who understand what you are going through. You do not need to share if you dont want to. I, personally have only shared a couple times. I do alot of listening... and that translates into alot of learning. There is no way I could navigate my current situation (in a healthy way) without what ive learned in alanon. I really encourage you to check it out. They say to try 6 meetings before you really form an opinion, as each meeting is a little different. They also say "take what you need and leave the rest." I dont buy into every word as gospel, but there is always something to be taken from each meeting. For this, I am grateful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
And I'd like to add that the people in Alanon, having been exactly where you are (or in some cases, being exactly where you are) are hardly strangers. Often it seems they know more about you and your situation than you do yourself.
Nope, not strangers at all...
Nope, not strangers at all...
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Sponsors for me turn out to be just one of the many tools to help my recovery ~
As weird as it may sound for me, I have a couple of women that are like sponsors to me - they are people I trust in recovery - that I know are healthy & working a program ~ they are my "go to" just like my daily readers, my How Al-Anon Works, journaling & my HP.
Sometimes my sponsors are helping me & sometimes I am helping them.
We are in this together - not one better than the other - sometimes one just has a clearer mind than mind because I'm emotionally involved in the situation. They aren't so they can offer suggestions I can't see.
And I can do the same for them.
Just my exerperience, strength & hope,
PINK HUGS,
As weird as it may sound for me, I have a couple of women that are like sponsors to me - they are people I trust in recovery - that I know are healthy & working a program ~ they are my "go to" just like my daily readers, my How Al-Anon Works, journaling & my HP.
Sometimes my sponsors are helping me & sometimes I am helping them.
We are in this together - not one better than the other - sometimes one just has a clearer mind than mind because I'm emotionally involved in the situation. They aren't so they can offer suggestions I can't see.
And I can do the same for them.
Just my exerperience, strength & hope,
PINK HUGS,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I know for me I was in al-anon for a while before I approached someone as a sponsor. I believe I spent my first year or more“hearing” things but still wasn’t letting go of trying to control the A in my life and their drinking/drugs. I was still very much in that denial of “oh but mine is not like that” or “my situation is not as bad as others” etc. etc. It really wasn’t until I actually began to work the steps and solely placed all of the focus on me and not the A that my life began to change for the better.
In the beginning of each of our meetings the meeting leader after reading the introduction/steps/traditions will ask if anyone has a happy or a crappy that they would like to share. Mary raised her hand and said she had both, she shared that it was 1 whole year that she had been coming to that meeting but that her A was still drinking despite that fact…………….she was told to keep coming back!!!!!!
In the beginning of each of our meetings the meeting leader after reading the introduction/steps/traditions will ask if anyone has a happy or a crappy that they would like to share. Mary raised her hand and said she had both, she shared that it was 1 whole year that she had been coming to that meeting but that her A was still drinking despite that fact…………….she was told to keep coming back!!!!!!
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