One parent enabling the other?
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One parent enabling the other?
Both of my parents have had, what I would consider, an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for so long as I can remember.
They were young when I was conceived and I was born when my mother and father were 18 and 20 respectively. When they didn't have much money, a few beers on the weekend was their treat and reward to themselves. When times were good, they would buy more. They would both regularly drink most nights from what I remember of my childhood, my father more so than my mother, but I wouldn't have described either of them as alcoholics.
Over the years my mother has become quite touchy about the subject of alcohol. She would often tell me things, unprompted, about how they only drink at the weekend these days or that they only drank x,y or z amount. It was uninvited and they were never criticised.
Now they are 47 and 49. In the past 10 or so years, my father has developed a much more unhealthy relationship with alcohol. They had a stressful period around 8 or 9 years ago during which time they split temporarily. It was related to paranoid accusations of cheating from my mother, and it became so intense that I intervened and forced my father to move out for the sake of my younger sister (they were both threatening suicide daily, attempting suicide and there was one incident when my father almost blew up the house with all of us inside and I only stopped it because I caught him and he didn't know anyone was up). During this time my father's drinking became intense. It eased up once they both went through a little therapy, had some space and sorted out some of their issues but it remained heavier than before.
In the last few years he has developed problems with IBD and been through a triple heart bypass. He drinks more than ever now to numb the neuropathic pain caused by nerve damage during the bypass surgery.
Over the years, my mother profusely denied any problem with alcohol on his part or hers. She will occasionally have moments of clarity then go back to denying that it's a problem. She still arranges weekends with their friends where they all gather to binge drink, and did before his bypass. She tends not to drink much, even at the weekend other than these binging sessions with friends, but she refuses to entertain the idea of going without alcohol and throwing it all out to help my father.
Whilst I fully appreciate that it has to be a battle he fights and wins on his own terms, I don't think he will without at least having her support and a house free from alcohol. But her attitude is very much "why should I have to suffer?" but refuses to see why this is a problematic attitude about alcohol. Just because they both currently have jobs and are functioning.
Does anyone have any experience of this? I know there's little I can do but it's incredibly frustrating to watch. She not only refuses to support him and show solidarity on the occasions he has attempted to drink less "for his health" (not because he believes he's an alcoholic) but actively arranges drinking sessions. But weeps by his bedside when he's in hospital and panics on the phone to me about how unwell he is becoming. In these moments, she is more open to discussing the alcohol issue but will also quite violently blow up about it all.
Why would she be doing this? She loves him and is afraid to lose him... but she's helping him to slowly kill himself?
They were young when I was conceived and I was born when my mother and father were 18 and 20 respectively. When they didn't have much money, a few beers on the weekend was their treat and reward to themselves. When times were good, they would buy more. They would both regularly drink most nights from what I remember of my childhood, my father more so than my mother, but I wouldn't have described either of them as alcoholics.
Over the years my mother has become quite touchy about the subject of alcohol. She would often tell me things, unprompted, about how they only drink at the weekend these days or that they only drank x,y or z amount. It was uninvited and they were never criticised.
Now they are 47 and 49. In the past 10 or so years, my father has developed a much more unhealthy relationship with alcohol. They had a stressful period around 8 or 9 years ago during which time they split temporarily. It was related to paranoid accusations of cheating from my mother, and it became so intense that I intervened and forced my father to move out for the sake of my younger sister (they were both threatening suicide daily, attempting suicide and there was one incident when my father almost blew up the house with all of us inside and I only stopped it because I caught him and he didn't know anyone was up). During this time my father's drinking became intense. It eased up once they both went through a little therapy, had some space and sorted out some of their issues but it remained heavier than before.
In the last few years he has developed problems with IBD and been through a triple heart bypass. He drinks more than ever now to numb the neuropathic pain caused by nerve damage during the bypass surgery.
Over the years, my mother profusely denied any problem with alcohol on his part or hers. She will occasionally have moments of clarity then go back to denying that it's a problem. She still arranges weekends with their friends where they all gather to binge drink, and did before his bypass. She tends not to drink much, even at the weekend other than these binging sessions with friends, but she refuses to entertain the idea of going without alcohol and throwing it all out to help my father.
Whilst I fully appreciate that it has to be a battle he fights and wins on his own terms, I don't think he will without at least having her support and a house free from alcohol. But her attitude is very much "why should I have to suffer?" but refuses to see why this is a problematic attitude about alcohol. Just because they both currently have jobs and are functioning.
Does anyone have any experience of this? I know there's little I can do but it's incredibly frustrating to watch. She not only refuses to support him and show solidarity on the occasions he has attempted to drink less "for his health" (not because he believes he's an alcoholic) but actively arranges drinking sessions. But weeps by his bedside when he's in hospital and panics on the phone to me about how unwell he is becoming. In these moments, she is more open to discussing the alcohol issue but will also quite violently blow up about it all.
Why would she be doing this? She loves him and is afraid to lose him... but she's helping him to slowly kill himself?
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello EllenP, and wecome to our quiet little corner of recovery 
Goodness yes. What you describe is the typical "progression" of alcoholism over the years. My parents went thru a similar, slow slide into insanity.
That is called "denial", and it is very common in addiction.
Because there's a lot of insanity involved in addiction to any chemical. One of the most common symptoms is that loss of any kind of "common sense" about the alcohol and it's effects.
We have a forum "next door" that has a lot of information about these issues that you may want to check out. Browse thru the informational "sticky" posts at the top, I think you will find a lot of answers there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Moderator, SR
Originally Posted by EllenP 
.... Does anyone have any experience of this?...
Originally Posted by EllenP
.... Over the years, my mother profusely denied any problem with alcohol on his part or hers. ...
Originally Posted by EllenP
....Why would she be doing this? She loves him and is afraid to lose him... but she's helping him to slowly kill himself? ...
We have a forum "next door" that has a lot of information about these issues that you may want to check out. Browse thru the informational "sticky" posts at the top, I think you will find a lot of answers there.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Mike
Moderator, SR
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