Stay the course this day
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Stay the course this day
You know when the dentist has that fine point metal prong and he is rooting around each crevasse and between each tooth looking for the decay and sensitive holes. That when he finds one we are both keenly aware. I stare at him as if to say stop and he pays little attention as he continues on with his mission to save my mouth.
I spent 6 hours yesterday with a neuropsychologist. The experience was much like the dentist but only she was searching for the holes in my mind. By the end I was wrenched with sadness and anxiety. My confidence undermined as each weakness was exposed and every tool I have in daily life to mask it not at my disposal. It flat out sucked.
I was in bed by 5:30pm. I was never closer to drinking as after getting out of that place. I knew if I did not take myself out of the day I would not have been able to say no. I took sleep meds and arrived here to put down what I was not able to process yesterday. I need some closure to that drinking hole left ringing in my head. So here it goes.
Why did I willingly allow myself to be subjected to these tests? I have face blindness. I never knew I had it growing up. At nearly 50 I finally saw a 60 minutes special on it. I cried at hearing others describe me to a T. My inner most fears that had never been verbalized were there on the TV being said by person after person. I was not alone. I was not different.
While I could describe how I cannot remember people and as such cannot recall conversations with that person. I often came across as aloof. My fear that I did not always know who I was speaking with and what we last spoke about. So I said nothing until I could be sure you were you. Sounds strange just typing it. I have gone up to the wrong person many times and felt foolish. I stopped doing that years ago.
The tests that focused on faces was terrorizing. I remember people by the whole package. The emotions I get from them. Their hair, sound, smell, clothing style. All that was stripped away and all I had left were faces. All different and all the same.
The tests made me feel a vulnerability I had never felt so intensely. Insanely intense. I wanted to run to the bar and bury myself in whisky. I wanted to feel safe. A deep rooted response. None of my new sober skills reached that deep. I learned a lot yesterday. I am still feeling it all. I feel the pressure of everything on me.
But unlike even just 2 years ago I can see things for what they are. Not what I want them to be. I took myself out of the day yesterday. I told a good friend from SR how I felt. His level and kind mind said all the right things. That helped a lot. I am here telling you now so I can be free a bit more.
Time to just be. Do everything for me today. I just don't have the energy to give to anyone else right now.
I have had a lot of loss in my life. Emotions are something I think. Sometimes when they come up stronger than I can handle it's best to feel them. Pass through them.
Sober is as sober does. Thanks for being there. Time to get myself cleaned up and off to the gym. Stay the course this day.
K
I spent 6 hours yesterday with a neuropsychologist. The experience was much like the dentist but only she was searching for the holes in my mind. By the end I was wrenched with sadness and anxiety. My confidence undermined as each weakness was exposed and every tool I have in daily life to mask it not at my disposal. It flat out sucked.
I was in bed by 5:30pm. I was never closer to drinking as after getting out of that place. I knew if I did not take myself out of the day I would not have been able to say no. I took sleep meds and arrived here to put down what I was not able to process yesterday. I need some closure to that drinking hole left ringing in my head. So here it goes.
Why did I willingly allow myself to be subjected to these tests? I have face blindness. I never knew I had it growing up. At nearly 50 I finally saw a 60 minutes special on it. I cried at hearing others describe me to a T. My inner most fears that had never been verbalized were there on the TV being said by person after person. I was not alone. I was not different.
While I could describe how I cannot remember people and as such cannot recall conversations with that person. I often came across as aloof. My fear that I did not always know who I was speaking with and what we last spoke about. So I said nothing until I could be sure you were you. Sounds strange just typing it. I have gone up to the wrong person many times and felt foolish. I stopped doing that years ago.
The tests that focused on faces was terrorizing. I remember people by the whole package. The emotions I get from them. Their hair, sound, smell, clothing style. All that was stripped away and all I had left were faces. All different and all the same.
The tests made me feel a vulnerability I had never felt so intensely. Insanely intense. I wanted to run to the bar and bury myself in whisky. I wanted to feel safe. A deep rooted response. None of my new sober skills reached that deep. I learned a lot yesterday. I am still feeling it all. I feel the pressure of everything on me.
But unlike even just 2 years ago I can see things for what they are. Not what I want them to be. I took myself out of the day yesterday. I told a good friend from SR how I felt. His level and kind mind said all the right things. That helped a lot. I am here telling you now so I can be free a bit more.
Time to just be. Do everything for me today. I just don't have the energy to give to anyone else right now.
I have had a lot of loss in my life. Emotions are something I think. Sometimes when they come up stronger than I can handle it's best to feel them. Pass through them.
Sober is as sober does. Thanks for being there. Time to get myself cleaned up and off to the gym. Stay the course this day.
K
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Ken
I know next to nothing about face blindness apart from some reading of Oliver Sacks' books but the fact you can get through a day like that, and then come here to share and help others, tells me a lot about you
The brain is an amazing and exceptional organ - but often not half as amazing and exceptional as its owner
take it easy this weekend Ken
D
I know next to nothing about face blindness apart from some reading of Oliver Sacks' books but the fact you can get through a day like that, and then come here to share and help others, tells me a lot about you
The brain is an amazing and exceptional organ - but often not half as amazing and exceptional as its owner
take it easy this weekend Ken
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 113
I'm afraid I had to jump past the first part of your post because I can't read about dentist stuff, so I'm not sure exactly what your assessment was. But I'm sorry that you've been having such a raw time and well done on getting yourself through it as you need to.
I'd never heard of face blindness but suspect I might have it to a degree. I really struggle to recognise people. I didn't even recognise my sister once when she turned up wearing a new coat. But I don't think I have it as badly as it sounds like you do.
Take good care of yourself.
I'd never heard of face blindness but suspect I might have it to a degree. I really struggle to recognise people. I didn't even recognise my sister once when she turned up wearing a new coat. But I don't think I have it as badly as it sounds like you do.
Take good care of yourself.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Thanks Trach. Thanks Dee.
I would like to think I posted to help others but until you said it I was squarely looking inward. Thanks for waking me up to that alternate view.
I will take care of myself today. You all do the same please.
K
I would like to think I posted to help others but until you said it I was squarely looking inward. Thanks for waking me up to that alternate view.
I will take care of myself today. You all do the same please.
K
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Originally Posted by Zeroine 
I'm afraid I had to jump past the first part of your post because I can't read about dentist stuff, so I'm not sure exactly what your assessment was. But I'm sorry that you've been having such a raw time and well done on getting yourself through it as you need to.
I'd never heard of face blindness but suspect I might have it to a degree. I really struggle to recognise people. I didn't even recognise my sister once when she turned up wearing a new coat. But I don't think I have it as badly as it sounds like you do.
Take good care of yourself.
I'd never heard of face blindness but suspect I might have it to a degree. I really struggle to recognise people. I didn't even recognise my sister once when she turned up wearing a new coat. But I don't think I have it as badly as it sounds like you do.
Take good care of yourself.
I walked in the office yesterday expecting them to tell me I had an over active mind. That my issues was more in my head than a true reality.
What hit me so hard. Really hard. Was that I am way worse than I thought. The tests are designed to focus on the exact spot with no help to deflect the issue. That was troubling.
Don't underestimate yourself. Go get checked so you can learn if you need to compensate in any way.
Ken
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Ken my dear funny, warm, American friend, I have a sense of you learning of a visual/cognitive disability. But is it?
Would that we all did.
I remember people by the whole package. The emotions I get from them. Their hair, sound, smell, clothing style.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
If you've never read it Oliver Sack's The Man who Mistook His Wife For A Hat is a great read.
Some many people deal with all kinds of brain eccentricities - and so many of them see these things as gifts, not handicaps.
It was a seminal book for me to read waaayyy back in the 90s
D
Some many people deal with all kinds of brain eccentricities - and so many of them see these things as gifts, not handicaps.
It was a seminal book for me to read waaayyy back in the 90s
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Weas, you are amazing. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for not drinking whisky. I really would have cried if you did.
I can only hope that your health providers have an understanding of the emotional component of your condition, and that you get treatment for that. I have found that learning to deal with and accept my 2 chronic illnesses far outweighs the physical symptoms. There's sadness, anger, denial, bargaining... The whole stages of grief thing. And depending on what new symptom or severity is presenting, I get to go through it all over again.
It's difficult. It sucks.
You help tremendously by posting your honesty. You make it sound like if you can stay sober through such a strange and painful journey for answers, I can stay sober with you through my trials and tribulations.
You make me wanna do better. I care about you and I'm sorry this is rough. You are very inspiring, thank you.
I hope you get any kind of sober relief possible. I hope you continue sharing with us.
Xoxo
I can only hope that your health providers have an understanding of the emotional component of your condition, and that you get treatment for that. I have found that learning to deal with and accept my 2 chronic illnesses far outweighs the physical symptoms. There's sadness, anger, denial, bargaining... The whole stages of grief thing. And depending on what new symptom or severity is presenting, I get to go through it all over again.
It's difficult. It sucks.
You help tremendously by posting your honesty. You make it sound like if you can stay sober through such a strange and painful journey for answers, I can stay sober with you through my trials and tribulations.
You make me wanna do better. I care about you and I'm sorry this is rough. You are very inspiring, thank you.
I hope you get any kind of sober relief possible. I hope you continue sharing with us.
Xoxo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Take good care, Ken. You are such a loyal friend to our community. And we are here for you to return the support.
Be kind to yourself. Rest. If you feel up to it, make one of your famous delish meals. And stay close.
Be kind to yourself. Rest. If you feel up to it, make one of your famous delish meals. And stay close.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Wow. Thank you. A bit overwhelmed.
Never feel sorry for me. Or you. We get what we get. The thing that shook me was the fact it was more real than I could have anticipated. I felt something was different but I wrote it off. Self pity. A drunk man loses his memory. All common place. But now I can do something with this information. Just need to soak it in first. I go back mid April for the full set of results. I make no assumptions until then.
Thanks for being my support system.
K
Never feel sorry for me. Or you. We get what we get. The thing that shook me was the fact it was more real than I could have anticipated. I felt something was different but I wrote it off. Self pity. A drunk man loses his memory. All common place. But now I can do something with this information. Just need to soak it in first. I go back mid April for the full set of results. I make no assumptions until then.
Thanks for being my support system.
K
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sending you a hug. I'm really bad at remembering faces or people in general, but I've always assumed it came with my extreme introversion. I've embarrassed myself on a regular basis, so most of the time I pretend that I remember them and try to keep it generic...and short!
Ironically, I remember their dogs for decades...
I guess at least now you know? You have my sympathy...good for you for staying sober through this.
Ironically, I remember their dogs for decades...
I guess at least now you know? You have my sympathy...good for you for staying sober through this.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Hey Ariesagain... you sound a lot like me in that I just gave up and decided to just smile and say hello to everyone. I guess it makes us kinder to everyone.
Get checked out. It's worth a confirmation.
Get checked out. It's worth a confirmation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Ken,
Sending you lots of virtual hugs today. I am glad you put yourself to bed last night, and that you are spending the day taking care of you today.
I am one of the many who is grateful for you and your inspirational posts. You give so much of yourself to this online community. Thank you for that, and I hope you feel surrounded by the love of each member of SR today!!!
Sending you lots of virtual hugs today. I am glad you put yourself to bed last night, and that you are spending the day taking care of you today.
I am one of the many who is grateful for you and your inspirational posts. You give so much of yourself to this online community. Thank you for that, and I hope you feel surrounded by the love of each member of SR today!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 130
Ken thanks for your bravery to come and share your experience and feelings. Your honesty and strength is more helpful than you know. I most appreciate your ability to know that you needed sleep and to stay within yourself today to process.
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