Family members minimizing my boyfriend's alcohol abuse
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Batavia
Posts: 15
Family members minimizing my boyfriend's alcohol abuse
I left my alcoholic boyfriend after four years about a month ago. He pushed me several times (the first time he has touched me) and told me I had to leave because he pays for everything.
The only place I had to go was my Mom's house two hours away. I lost my job as a result and I haven't found a new one.
He has been calling everyday and saying he is going to change but I know he is still drinking. He has never been the alcholic who drinks everyday but rather binge drinks, often for days at a time, to extremes. Sometimes he can't walk or speak properly, pees on the floor, and always blacks out. He has gotten two DUI's.
My mom has said things like "SO he doesn't drink everyday? So that isn't as bad as an alcoholic who drinks everyday..." "We think he is so nice and we really like him." They don't seem angered by the fact that he pushed me and they almost seem to be encouraging me to give him another chance. I guess that's not surprising as my Mom is currently with someone who punched her in the face three years ago.
It hurts that they are minimizing it and don't understand. And it makes me question my decision,. It makes me crazy after I have suffered silently in this yo-yo of knowing we should break up and him drawing me back in with his affirmations of change and love for me. It's like they think my pain is not valid.
The only place I had to go was my Mom's house two hours away. I lost my job as a result and I haven't found a new one.
He has been calling everyday and saying he is going to change but I know he is still drinking. He has never been the alcholic who drinks everyday but rather binge drinks, often for days at a time, to extremes. Sometimes he can't walk or speak properly, pees on the floor, and always blacks out. He has gotten two DUI's.
My mom has said things like "SO he doesn't drink everyday? So that isn't as bad as an alcoholic who drinks everyday..." "We think he is so nice and we really like him." They don't seem angered by the fact that he pushed me and they almost seem to be encouraging me to give him another chance. I guess that's not surprising as my Mom is currently with someone who punched her in the face three years ago.
It hurts that they are minimizing it and don't understand. And it makes me question my decision,. It makes me crazy after I have suffered silently in this yo-yo of knowing we should break up and him drawing me back in with his affirmations of change and love for me. It's like they think my pain is not valid.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Originally Posted by Oread 
I left my alcoholic boyfriend after four years about a month ago. He pushed me several times (the first time he has touched me) and told me I had to leave because he pays for everything.
The only place I had to go was my Mom's house two hours away. I lost my job as a result and I haven't found a new one.
He has been calling everyday and saying he is going to change but I know he is still drinking. He has never been the alcholic who drinks everyday but rather binge drinks, often for days at a time, to extremes. Sometimes he can't walk or speak properly, pees on the floor, and always blacks out. He has gotten two DUI's.
My mom has said things like "SO he doesn't drink everyday? So that isn't as bad as an alcoholic who drinks everyday..." "We think he is so nice and we really like him." They don't seem angered by the fact that he pushed me and they almost seem to be encouraging me to give him another chance. I guess that's not surprising as my Mom is currently with someone who punched her in the face three years ago.
It hurts that they are minimizing it and don't understand. And it makes me question my decision,. It makes me crazy after I have suffered silently in this yo-yo of knowing we should break up and him drawing me back in with his affirmations of change and love for me. It's like they think my pain is not valid.
The only place I had to go was my Mom's house two hours away. I lost my job as a result and I haven't found a new one.
He has been calling everyday and saying he is going to change but I know he is still drinking. He has never been the alcholic who drinks everyday but rather binge drinks, often for days at a time, to extremes. Sometimes he can't walk or speak properly, pees on the floor, and always blacks out. He has gotten two DUI's.
My mom has said things like "SO he doesn't drink everyday? So that isn't as bad as an alcoholic who drinks everyday..." "We think he is so nice and we really like him." They don't seem angered by the fact that he pushed me and they almost seem to be encouraging me to give him another chance. I guess that's not surprising as my Mom is currently with someone who punched her in the face three years ago.
It hurts that they are minimizing it and don't understand. And it makes me question my decision,. It makes me crazy after I have suffered silently in this yo-yo of knowing we should break up and him drawing me back in with his affirmations of change and love for me. It's like they think my pain is not valid.
Think about yourself...and don't go back to him unless he maintains a YEAR sober....and hopefully the alcohol is what caused him to put his hands on you. I don't see you hanging on for a year...and not sure if he is willing to be sober for a year. Move ON...I did after 22 years..so you can do it too. You need to respect yourself...because HE DOESNT...yes, people make mistakes....BUT, drastic things can happen when someone is under the influence.
He had his chance with you and HE BLEW IT.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry you're in such an unsupportive place. My guess would be that your mom is minimizing it because of her own need to minimize her own situation. I've worked professionally in the DV field for a very long time, and I am happy that you are out of that situation. I'd suggest contacting your local women's shelter and talking with an advocate. The advocate will probably have a lot of resources to help you get on your feet (and out of your mom's house), and might also be able to hook you up with a counselor or support group to deal with the abuse you went through.
Hugs, and hang in there. You are WELL out of that situation and thoughts of going back should be off the table--abuse is a whole different issue than alcoholism. He can't be considered "safe" until he is not only sober but until he has had intensive therapy for his abuse issues.
Hugs, and hang in there. You are WELL out of that situation and thoughts of going back should be off the table--abuse is a whole different issue than alcoholism. He can't be considered "safe" until he is not only sober but until he has had intensive therapy for his abuse issues.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
do not question your decision.you have made the right decision to get away now- before it gets worse.
no onedeserves mental, emotional, or physical abuse.
i agree with lexie on this:
"He can't be considered "safe" until he is not only sober but until he has had intensive therapy for his abuse issues."
cant tell ya how many times i played the " i promise" "im sorry" " ill change " games- really makes me greatful,though, im able to look back now- after putting down the drink and a lot of work on me- and see:
im not that sickass man.
the women i was in relationships with that tossed me to the curb are pretty dam smart for kickin me to the curb and not allowing me to harrass them after.
no onedeserves mental, emotional, or physical abuse.
i agree with lexie on this:
"He can't be considered "safe" until he is not only sober but until he has had intensive therapy for his abuse issues."
cant tell ya how many times i played the " i promise" "im sorry" " ill change " games- really makes me greatful,though, im able to look back now- after putting down the drink and a lot of work on me- and see:
im not that sickass man.
the women i was in relationships with that tossed me to the curb are pretty dam smart for kickin me to the curb and not allowing me to harrass them after.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Oread......you just can't look to your parents for validation. If you do...you will always be marching to their tune.....
While it is generous for your mother to offer you a place to stay...and I am sure that you love her......adult children (in this culture) don't usually do well in their parents' house.
Most people don't understand what li ving with alcoholism is like...unless they have had a reason to....
You are so smart to get away from him, now...rather than several years from now.
My suggestion: get to a support group--where people understand---like Adult Children of Alcoholics/get a counselor through your local domestic violence center/alanon or Celebrate Recovery/read the Stickies at the top of the main page, here/etc.
There is soo much help available...you just have to be willing to reach out and accept it.....
This is what I would suggest for your top priority list.....
1. work intensively on finding another job
2. work on getting out of your mother's house
3. seek out the help for yourself.....
You made the right decision...do not let anyone make you doubt yourself on this!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
While it is generous for your mother to offer you a place to stay...and I am sure that you love her......adult children (in this culture) don't usually do well in their parents' house.
Most people don't understand what li ving with alcoholism is like...unless they have had a reason to....
You are so smart to get away from him, now...rather than several years from now.
My suggestion: get to a support group--where people understand---like Adult Children of Alcoholics/get a counselor through your local domestic violence center/alanon or Celebrate Recovery/read the Stickies at the top of the main page, here/etc.
There is soo much help available...you just have to be willing to reach out and accept it.....
This is what I would suggest for your top priority list.....
1. work intensively on finding another job
2. work on getting out of your mother's house
3. seek out the help for yourself.....
You made the right decision...do not let anyone make you doubt yourself on this!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Seen the family ignore or rationalize alcoholic behavior too long at this point. Your mom probably isn't minimizing but is in denial hoping, using the shear luck method that his behavior is a phase or onetime thing hoping time will cure all-not.
Worry about yourself first and try to educate her and other family members. Try, don't force drug abuse education on them. Avoid drinking or excessive drinking yourself, try to encourage other family that will be present with your mom and alkie to do the same. It took me years of various approaches to convince some family there was a problem and they were enabling.
Stay Safe & Good Luck!
Worry about yourself first and try to educate her and other family members. Try, don't force drug abuse education on them. Avoid drinking or excessive drinking yourself, try to encourage other family that will be present with your mom and alkie to do the same. It took me years of various approaches to convince some family there was a problem and they were enabling.
Stay Safe & Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
I'm glad you are out. People minimize or deny for many personal reasons. And sometimes as twisted as it may be, they do so selfishly. A mom may encourage their daughter to stay in an abusive relationship because they themselves don't want to deal with the burden of having to financially support their daughter.
You made the right reason to leave. Your mom (and we can't blame her) is not educated about alcoholism. Most people that don't have to deal first hand with an alcoholic has a picture that an alcoholic is someone who is a bum, drinks to oblivion everyday, can't afford to pay for rent, groceries etc. that exaggerated picture that books and movies portray. In reality, these types of alcoholics you see living homeless on the streets make up less than 1% of the alcoholic population. The majority of alcoholics are somebody's spouse, a mother/father, an employee, a tax-payer etc. These types of alcoholics cause the most hurt because they are not alone and homeless. They have families, spouses, friends who get impacted greatly from their inappropriate behaviour and actions.
Alcoholics take on many shapes, sizes, culture, colour, backgrounds etc. There can be the alcoholic doctor who saves lives everyday but comes home and drinks causing heart-ache and emotional/physical abuse to his wife and kids. Does that make it better than if the alcoholic were a smelly, non-shaven, haven't showered for 7 days, collecting welfare man who waits for the wife to come home from work with home cooked warm meal everyday and has never physically or verbally abused her?
You made the right reason to leave. Your mom (and we can't blame her) is not educated about alcoholism. Most people that don't have to deal first hand with an alcoholic has a picture that an alcoholic is someone who is a bum, drinks to oblivion everyday, can't afford to pay for rent, groceries etc. that exaggerated picture that books and movies portray. In reality, these types of alcoholics you see living homeless on the streets make up less than 1% of the alcoholic population. The majority of alcoholics are somebody's spouse, a mother/father, an employee, a tax-payer etc. These types of alcoholics cause the most hurt because they are not alone and homeless. They have families, spouses, friends who get impacted greatly from their inappropriate behaviour and actions.
Alcoholics take on many shapes, sizes, culture, colour, backgrounds etc. There can be the alcoholic doctor who saves lives everyday but comes home and drinks causing heart-ache and emotional/physical abuse to his wife and kids. Does that make it better than if the alcoholic were a smelly, non-shaven, haven't showered for 7 days, collecting welfare man who waits for the wife to come home from work with home cooked warm meal everyday and has never physically or verbally abused her?
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