Forgiving myself
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Forgiving myself
I've posted a lot about forgiveness....and I think forgiving myself has been the hardest-more so than forgiving my ex. I take full responsibility for who I turned into. I also find it hard at times to truly forgive myself for overlooking the major red flags that only were magnified and got bigger during our marriage. All of them were there, but they just got worse. I think forgiving myself for being an idiot and thinking he was a good man-when he was a man child-and forgiving myself for thinking he would ever grow up or change and face himself. Forgiving myself for staying and thinking that I could actually help him. That's the only thing that gives me restless nights-they are thankfully few and far between but as I sat here tonight and watched keeping up with the Kartrashians (yes, I know-truly disgusting people and tv!! Not my best moment watching this!!!) I couldn't help but cry my eyes out as kourtney talked about how she tried so hard to keep the family together but he just kept getting worse-and that she felt like she was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I cried. I was there a little over three years ago. And I so wabt to forgive myself for staying with soneone that treated me the way he did and the lowest of low that I stooped to make him try and be happy. I want to forgive myself for believing his lies as I had no idea how evil he was. I so want to forgive myself bc truly, what he does or those flying monkeys of his, it doesn't hurt. They don't get any thoughts or feelings anymore. But how long I stayed and put myself and my kids through, I still haven't forgiven myself-and I know when I do, I'll be fully at peace. Any thoughts???
Thanks for listening to me ramble tonight, friends
Thanks for listening to me ramble tonight, friends
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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I found this after my therapist described for yesr what I was dealing with and what was happening: defensive abuse. It's word for word what happened in my marriage and since the divorce. My ex abused me, neglected me, lied to me daily, gaslighted me, smeared me, etc...and when I reacted to his abuse, he used those things as evidence that I was the emotionally unstable one-and I bought it for a long time-and since his mom and sister jumped on the bandwagon telling me I had mental problems and needed help bc they were unable to see dear old baby boy as the violent abuser he truly was, I felt even more alone. I was not an abuser. I reacted horribly at times to what he did to me, I forgive myself for that. 100%.
psychological abuse 101 ? ?Reactive Abuse?/ ?They call you abusive for...
I just want to forgive myself for ever getting involved with this person. And not walking or running away.
psychological abuse 101 ? ?Reactive Abuse?/ ?They call you abusive for...
I just want to forgive myself for ever getting involved with this person. And not walking or running away.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Canada
Posts: 235
Fourourgirls,
First things first, please do me a favour, and mostly, do yourself a favour and let it be the last time you've ever used the word "idiot" (and any other synonyms) when referring to yourself. You are NOT an idiot!
As for forgiving yourself, I would invite you to read and re-read your post. Because I can tell you right now that all I see there are reasons to forgive yourself. You just have to flip your thinking a bit and see it as someone from the outside would.
What I see here is someone who sees the best in people. Someone who believes people can change.
Again, what I see here is a woman who wants to help people, who has something to give others, who is not selfish. A marriage is a partnership. We are suppose to help our partner.
I see a loyal woman here.
As for believing is lies, well I see a trusting woman. For having no idea how evil he was... I don't think any normal or sane person can really imagine how evil some people can be.
All in all, what I see is a woman who is loving, caring, trusting and loyal. Those are all good qualities. And I urge you to never stop being all those things. The way forward is not to suppress those qualities, it's to be aware that they can be exploited.
I think you can forgiveyourself being looking at it this way: you were exploited because of your best qualities. No more no less. How could you honestly have know that some people could be that mean, deceitful and evil? You couldn't.
But now, you know better, and I'm sure you'll never put yourself in that position again. Now, you can still be a loving, trusting, caring a loyal woman, but you are aware that some people will show you by their actions that they don't deserve your trust, love, care and loyalty.
You've got this, you are an amazing and strong woman!
First things first, please do me a favour, and mostly, do yourself a favour and let it be the last time you've ever used the word "idiot" (and any other synonyms) when referring to yourself. You are NOT an idiot!
As for forgiving yourself, I would invite you to read and re-read your post. Because I can tell you right now that all I see there are reasons to forgive yourself. You just have to flip your thinking a bit and see it as someone from the outside would.
Originally Posted by Forourgirls 
I think forgiving myself for being an idiot and thinking he was a good man-when he was a man child-and forgiving myself for thinking he would ever grow up or change and face himself.
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
Forgiving myself for staying and thinking that I could actually help him.
Originally Posted by Forourgirls
And I so wabt to forgive myself for staying with soneone that treated me the way he did and the lowest of low that I stooped to make him try and be happy. I want to forgive myself for believing his lies as I had no idea how evil he was.
As for believing is lies, well I see a trusting woman. For having no idea how evil he was... I don't think any normal or sane person can really imagine how evil some people can be.
All in all, what I see is a woman who is loving, caring, trusting and loyal. Those are all good qualities. And I urge you to never stop being all those things. The way forward is not to suppress those qualities, it's to be aware that they can be exploited.
I think you can forgiveyourself being looking at it this way: you were exploited because of your best qualities. No more no less. How could you honestly have know that some people could be that mean, deceitful and evil? You couldn't.
But now, you know better, and I'm sure you'll never put yourself in that position again. Now, you can still be a loving, trusting, caring a loyal woman, but you are aware that some people will show you by their actions that they don't deserve your trust, love, care and loyalty.
You've got this, you are an amazing and strong woman!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
(((FOG)))
I'm struggling with this too. So much. I have to keep circling back to "I NEEDED it." It happened how it did because I needed it. To learn about myself, to learn to accept, and to grow. I needed it to happen so that I love myself more, and so that my my mindset could change from molding the world around me to shaping myself into the best person I want to be.
My only saving grace through all of this is that I do not see myself changing like I have, without the last messy 5 years. Maybe way down the line, but that would have been just more wasted time running around blind in my short life.
Because I was lonely and loved someone who wasn't capable, and because I was too scared to leave, it led me here - where my world went from gray to full prismacolor - Wizard of Oz style. (((HUGS)))
I'm struggling with this too. So much. I have to keep circling back to "I NEEDED it." It happened how it did because I needed it. To learn about myself, to learn to accept, and to grow. I needed it to happen so that I love myself more, and so that my my mindset could change from molding the world around me to shaping myself into the best person I want to be.
My only saving grace through all of this is that I do not see myself changing like I have, without the last messy 5 years. Maybe way down the line, but that would have been just more wasted time running around blind in my short life.
Because I was lonely and loved someone who wasn't capable, and because I was too scared to leave, it led me here - where my world went from gray to full prismacolor - Wizard of Oz style. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I've recommended this book a few times on this site--Women Who Love Psychopaths.
If you can stand the title, read it...it points out your super traits that he latches onto and exploits (narcissism is considered psychopath). It helped me figure out how I got there--and that my TRAITS--who I WAS--was actually a pretty great thing...but learning to manage those positive traits so I didn't get sucked into another unhealthy dynamic was important.
I hated "that woman" (uh, me) for a long time. Till I learned to forgive her like I do everyone else.
Maya Angelou has a quote I put on my wall for the first 18 months or so until I learned to forgive myself...
"Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better."
That sums it up. You learn, grow, and move forward just like everyone else. You are beautiful and good...tell yourself that as you "do better". That's all anyone can ask!
If you can stand the title, read it...it points out your super traits that he latches onto and exploits (narcissism is considered psychopath). It helped me figure out how I got there--and that my TRAITS--who I WAS--was actually a pretty great thing...but learning to manage those positive traits so I didn't get sucked into another unhealthy dynamic was important.
I hated "that woman" (uh, me) for a long time. Till I learned to forgive her like I do everyone else.
Maya Angelou has a quote I put on my wall for the first 18 months or so until I learned to forgive myself...
"Do the best you can until you know better. When you know better, do better."
That sums it up. You learn, grow, and move forward just like everyone else. You are beautiful and good...tell yourself that as you "do better". That's all anyone can ask!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Self-forgiveness is very difficult for me. I'm not quite sure I've really accomplished it just yet, to be honest.
I think for me I struggle most with the idea that "I should have know better...."
I don't know why I keep holding myself to this "standard" internally. I would never suggest to another person that they should know better/faster/earlier/whatever.
There's also a lot of shame for me in feeling like I was taken advantage of (like financially, pushing my personal boundaries, etc.) & that I "should have" done something to stop it sooner.
Maybe I just need to write a letter to myself just as if I was writing to a friend facing the same challenge. I can think of all kinds of ways to encourage "her" about it, and maybe I also just simply haven't put aside the dedicated time for this myself. Like, I just think it will "happen" because I have thoughts about it rather than having a specific & purposeful conversation (letter/whatever) with myself about it.
Great thread, lots to think about!
I think for me I struggle most with the idea that "I should have know better...."
I don't know why I keep holding myself to this "standard" internally. I would never suggest to another person that they should know better/faster/earlier/whatever.
There's also a lot of shame for me in feeling like I was taken advantage of (like financially, pushing my personal boundaries, etc.) & that I "should have" done something to stop it sooner.
Maybe I just need to write a letter to myself just as if I was writing to a friend facing the same challenge. I can think of all kinds of ways to encourage "her" about it, and maybe I also just simply haven't put aside the dedicated time for this myself. Like, I just think it will "happen" because I have thoughts about it rather than having a specific & purposeful conversation (letter/whatever) with myself about it.
Great thread, lots to think about!
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I have so so so many of the same thoughts, worries and regrets and difficulty forgiving myself too ForOurGirls as you describe.... Verbatim.
I am SO afraid to repeat any of the same stuff that I allowed with xAH, that I (as my post earlier today shows) would prefer to push away people the instant they act in a way that causes me to pause...
I am SO afraid to repeat any of the same stuff that I allowed with xAH, that I (as my post earlier today shows) would prefer to push away people the instant they act in a way that causes me to pause...
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That's the hardest part....^ the word you used, allowed. That word. I allowed him to treat me that way. I taught him it was ok by not walking away after the first time, which was the morning of our wedding-the first "it won't happen again. I won't get drunk today". WTF. And I wonder how I got to this place?! Jesus-the writing was on the wall all along-I just chose to not read it!!! Argh. Forgiving myself-not n easy task, for sure, but a necessary one.
It's hard not to use the word idiot. Ok, instead of idiot I'll use "blind" from now on. I once was blind, but now I see. That is the truth of the matter!!!
Thanks, friends. Y'all are the best.
It's hard not to use the word idiot. Ok, instead of idiot I'll use "blind" from now on. I once was blind, but now I see. That is the truth of the matter!!!
Thanks, friends. Y'all are the best.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Great advice above from everybody... I can't really add much else, but I'm definitely right there with you and painfully relate to all of that.
It's so hard.... but you'll get there! You're doing great
(((( FOG)))))
And also wanted to say that Keeping up with the Kardashians is one of my favorite guilty pleasures... I can't help it. You're not alone there either
And I've always been especially intrigued by Kourtney and Scott's relationship since I feel like I relate so well to it too....
Anyway... enjoy your weekend with your girls
It's so hard.... but you'll get there! You're doing great
(((( FOG)))))
And also wanted to say that Keeping up with the Kardashians is one of my favorite guilty pleasures... I can't help it. You're not alone there either
And I've always been especially intrigued by Kourtney and Scott's relationship since I feel like I relate so well to it too....
Anyway... enjoy your weekend with your girls
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
If it helps its not just a girl thing. I was mad at myself for awhile for letting myself get manipulated, conned, abused, railroaded...etc.
And I'm a big tough no nonsense guy.
I was hard on myself for letting her have the inner me that wasn't tough, wanted to show her I could make her better....blah blah blah.
Yes you feel like a stupid idiot.
But you will get over it.
Its like a poison that got into your system. It takes a while to get that out of your system.
And I'm a big tough no nonsense guy.
I was hard on myself for letting her have the inner me that wasn't tough, wanted to show her I could make her better....blah blah blah.
Yes you feel like a stupid idiot.
But you will get over it.
Its like a poison that got into your system. It takes a while to get that out of your system.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 6
Forgiveness, the gift you give yourself
The greatest challenge I face is truly forgiving myself. As I move thru program I get this intellectually but still have problems with this emotionally. I can understand and forgive others but don't seem to give myself the love and care I give others.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
Originally Posted by Kata
Fourourgirls,
First things first, please do me a favour, and mostly, do yourself a favour and let it be the last time you've ever used the word "idiot" (and any other synonyms) when referring to yourself. You are NOT an idiot!
As for forgiving yourself, I would invite you to read and re-read your post. Because I can tell you right now that all I see there are reasons to forgive yourself. You just have to flip your thinking a bit and see it as someone from the outside would.
What I see here is someone who sees the best in people. Someone who believes people can change.
Again, what I see here is a woman who wants to help people, who has something to give others, who is not selfish. A marriage is a partnership. We are suppose to help our partner.
I see a loyal woman here.
As for believing is lies, well I see a trusting woman. For having no idea how evil he was... I don't think any normal or sane person can really imagine how evil some people can be.
All in all, what I see is a woman who is loving, caring, trusting and loyal. Those are all good qualities. And I urge you to never stop being all those things. The way forward is not to suppress those qualities, it's to be aware that they can be exploited.
I think you can forgiveyourself being looking at it this way: you were exploited because of your best qualities. No more no less. How could you honestly have know that some people could be that mean, deceitful and evil? You couldn't.
But now, you know better, and I'm sure you'll never put yourself in that position again. Now, you can still be a loving, trusting, caring a loyal woman, but you are aware that some people will show you by their actions that they don't deserve your trust, love, care and loyalty.
You've got this, you are an amazing and strong woman!
First things first, please do me a favour, and mostly, do yourself a favour and let it be the last time you've ever used the word "idiot" (and any other synonyms) when referring to yourself. You are NOT an idiot!
As for forgiving yourself, I would invite you to read and re-read your post. Because I can tell you right now that all I see there are reasons to forgive yourself. You just have to flip your thinking a bit and see it as someone from the outside would.
What I see here is someone who sees the best in people. Someone who believes people can change.
Again, what I see here is a woman who wants to help people, who has something to give others, who is not selfish. A marriage is a partnership. We are suppose to help our partner.
I see a loyal woman here.
As for believing is lies, well I see a trusting woman. For having no idea how evil he was... I don't think any normal or sane person can really imagine how evil some people can be.
All in all, what I see is a woman who is loving, caring, trusting and loyal. Those are all good qualities. And I urge you to never stop being all those things. The way forward is not to suppress those qualities, it's to be aware that they can be exploited.
I think you can forgiveyourself being looking at it this way: you were exploited because of your best qualities. No more no less. How could you honestly have know that some people could be that mean, deceitful and evil? You couldn't.
But now, you know better, and I'm sure you'll never put yourself in that position again. Now, you can still be a loving, trusting, caring a loyal woman, but you are aware that some people will show you by their actions that they don't deserve your trust, love, care and loyalty.
You've got this, you are an amazing and strong woman!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Forourgirls... Any type of abuse (more so if it's emotional) does a number on the person who's receiving it. Allow yourself to forgive you. And know that you reacted normally to abnormal situations....
But I must say that Praying made a great point with Maya's quote. Once we know what we are going trough, we should "do better". And now that I look back to my relationship with my ex, I know I should have left sooner.
That won't make me stay angered at myself, tough. I just don't have to repeat it with someone else all over again.
That's where our responsibility with ourselves starts...
Take care
But I must say that Praying made a great point with Maya's quote. Once we know what we are going trough, we should "do better". And now that I look back to my relationship with my ex, I know I should have left sooner.
That won't make me stay angered at myself, tough. I just don't have to repeat it with someone else all over again.
That's where our responsibility with ourselves starts...
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ yes, I do agree! When we know better, we DO better. I just didn't know any better and for many reasons chose to not leave and keep believing him. I owe him nothing but my responsibility to myself and most importantly my children is to never allow that type of person in my life ever again. And I know I won't.
YES!!!!! YES!!!!!! I, me, I reacted normally to abnormal scary abuse. YES. I've never heard it put this way. I used to stare blankly at my ex as the second after he would verbally assault me (many times it literally didn't make sense) or tell another lie or sexually abuse me...the list goes on and on....the moment I flipped out or called him out he would get this drunk smirk on his face and with evil eyes almost smile at me and tell me there was sonethig wrong with me. He told me many many times, "look at you-look what you're doing! There sonething wrong with you". YES!!!!! He was a drunk abuser and THE ONLY THING wrong with me was the wedding ring on my finger. Him, he's what was wrong with me, what almost broke me, who destroyed our family, abused and lied to and manipulated an innocent little girl, hurt his own children. HIM. I reacted just like any normal sane person would have reacted to the insanity I was living in, year after year. Thank you for your words...seriously. Thank you.
I know this is a process and I thank y'all for being with me and guiding me on this journey
YES!!!!! YES!!!!!! I, me, I reacted normally to abnormal scary abuse. YES. I've never heard it put this way. I used to stare blankly at my ex as the second after he would verbally assault me (many times it literally didn't make sense) or tell another lie or sexually abuse me...the list goes on and on....the moment I flipped out or called him out he would get this drunk smirk on his face and with evil eyes almost smile at me and tell me there was sonethig wrong with me. He told me many many times, "look at you-look what you're doing! There sonething wrong with you". YES!!!!! He was a drunk abuser and THE ONLY THING wrong with me was the wedding ring on my finger. Him, he's what was wrong with me, what almost broke me, who destroyed our family, abused and lied to and manipulated an innocent little girl, hurt his own children. HIM. I reacted just like any normal sane person would have reacted to the insanity I was living in, year after year. Thank you for your words...seriously. Thank you.
I know this is a process and I thank y'all for being with me and guiding me on this journey
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