Being the last to know....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 24
Being the last to know....
I have been slowly opening up to friends (both drinking and non-drinking) about how I've quit drinking for good because I am an alcoholic. Most responses have been very supportive but I got a few "well thank goodness for that!" type of responses. My initial reaction was to be hurt and angry at them. I thought, well sheesh, if you knew I was that bad why didn't you try to help. But then I realized I'm mostly angry at myself for letting it go on as long as it did. These friends DID tell me to stop, in a way. They stopped inviting me to hang out, avoided me at all costs when the weekend came around, started going to different bars because they knew I'd be at a particular one.
I'm embarrassed. I'm angry. I'm sad that my friends saw me when I was so low, so drunk, so stupid. But it is helping my desire to stay sober. I NEVER want to go back there.
Can anyone relate?
I'm embarrassed. I'm angry. I'm sad that my friends saw me when I was so low, so drunk, so stupid. But it is helping my desire to stay sober. I NEVER want to go back there.
Can anyone relate?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,601
Yup! My ex...saw me at my worst. I would come over drunk as a skunk, reeking of alcohol, and pass out ...he never said anything. He did not drink and I drank in private. But he had to know. I'm sorry...I thought you loved me....why didn't you try to help me?
I've let go of that resentment though. I got the help I needed and I'm doing alright today.
Blessings to you.
I've let go of that resentment though. I got the help I needed and I'm doing alright today.
Blessings to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by Bunny211 
Yup! My ex...saw me at my worst. I would come over drunk as a skunk, reeking of alcohol, and pass out ...he never said anything. He did not drink and I drank in private. But he had to know. I'm sorry...I thought you loved me....why didn't you try to help me?
I've let go of that resentment though. I got the help I needed and I'm doing alright today
Blessings to you.
I've let go of that resentment though. I got the help I needed and I'm doing alright today
Blessings to you.
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
Hell yes. I used to throw amazing and extravagent parties, and people stopped coming because they knew I would be hammered by late afternoon. My family stopped returning my phone calls if it was after 5:00. The clerk at the liquor store down the street from my house would tell me that she was praying for me at least once a week. One of my best friends who was a bartender cried the last time she served me and told me that she knew that she would never see me alive again. I thought I was fooling everyone, and maybe I was fooling some people, but by the time I went in to detox four years ago, I looked like I had been dead for a month. Someone who knew nothing about alcoholism could have seen that I was dying. So, yeah, there were many people close to me who were relieved when I sent out a group text that I was going in to detox. Only two people other than my wife came to visit me in the hospital because they were afraid of what they would see. But, the best way to change the opinion that people have about you (and me) is to focus on recovery with all of your effort and don't worry about what anyone thinks of you.
I should also add that I was living in Vermont when I went in for detox, and heavy drinking is fairly common there. Most of my friends were really heavy drinkers and they were concerned about me. And, several of them cut back or outright quit after they saw the pictures of me in my hospital bed.
I should also add that I was living in Vermont when I went in for detox, and heavy drinking is fairly common there. Most of my friends were really heavy drinkers and they were concerned about me. And, several of them cut back or outright quit after they saw the pictures of me in my hospital bed.
Last edited by SweatyHands; 03-14-2016 at 06:34 PM. Reason: Added context.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
My friends were big drinkers as well. I probably ran off anyone as a potential close friend that didn't drink heavy. So, they didn't say anything to me because we all enabled each other.
Now I stand on the other side of the fence, still friends with these ladies. One in particular is on a path to destruction, has been for years, and I don't know what to say to her or how to say it. I know, she knows, and our other three friends know it. They won't say anything to her because they are still in the "enabling" camp. I don't say anything because I don't want to come off as the preachy *enlightened* one because I quit drinking. We range in age from 44-57, so it isn't like we are kids, yet we don't address the elephant in the room.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not an easy conversation to have with someone. You just assume, right or wrong and as sad as it sounds, that they know and they will do something when they are ready. Just typing this makes me feel crappy.
Now I stand on the other side of the fence, still friends with these ladies. One in particular is on a path to destruction, has been for years, and I don't know what to say to her or how to say it. I know, she knows, and our other three friends know it. They won't say anything to her because they are still in the "enabling" camp. I don't say anything because I don't want to come off as the preachy *enlightened* one because I quit drinking. We range in age from 44-57, so it isn't like we are kids, yet we don't address the elephant in the room.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not an easy conversation to have with someone. You just assume, right or wrong and as sad as it sounds, that they know and they will do something when they are ready. Just typing this makes me feel crappy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 197
I can relate to the embarrassed, sad, angry. My little sister reminded me recently of a vacation when I got too drunk to function and made a mess of all the plans. She cries at the memory, even today, of how screwed up it got so fast. It makes me sick that I put an innocent member of my family through it due soley to my own actions. The only thing I can do is to never, ever cause that situation again by staying sober
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi gobletoffire 
sure, the drinker I was expected his friends to swoop in ans save him...but they didn't. In a way that was good...it made me self-reliant and resourceful and a lot tougher than I'd been in years
I'm not sure I would have been sober in the long term had my rescue not been an inside job
D
sure, the drinker I was expected his friends to swoop in ans save him...but they didn't. In a way that was good...it made me self-reliant and resourceful and a lot tougher than I'd been in years
I'm not sure I would have been sober in the long term had my rescue not been an inside job
D
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
yup, i can relate. i dont think it was that i was the last to know i had a problem but that i was the last to admit it.
with a LOT of work on me i can say today that i honestly dont blame anyone
for avoiding me or throwing me out of their lives back then.
i own everything i did and what i was back then and can say," thank God im not that man any more."
with a LOT of work on me i can say today that i honestly dont blame anyone
for avoiding me or throwing me out of their lives back then.
i own everything i did and what i was back then and can say," thank God im not that man any more."
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
When I first got sober, people had been telling me in all kinds of ways including straight up, but do you think I'd listen?
No, it hurt me that they said those things and I resented it. But when I finally hit my bottom and had one of those "moments of clarity" near the end of a binge, all those things people had been saying flooded into my mind and I accepted it as true.
I think what hurt worse was when I relapsed years later and I knew deep in my heart that my drinking was out of control again yet there were people around me that told me I was fine, there wasn't anything wrong. But then, those were just people who drank like I did, not real friends.
I'm embarrassed too that people saw me like that, but all I can do about it is carry on in sobriety and be an example of how someone can turn their life around.
No, it hurt me that they said those things and I resented it. But when I finally hit my bottom and had one of those "moments of clarity" near the end of a binge, all those things people had been saying flooded into my mind and I accepted it as true.
I think what hurt worse was when I relapsed years later and I knew deep in my heart that my drinking was out of control again yet there were people around me that told me I was fine, there wasn't anything wrong. But then, those were just people who drank like I did, not real friends.
I'm embarrassed too that people saw me like that, but all I can do about it is carry on in sobriety and be an example of how someone can turn their life around.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Coming from the other side of the fence, I will say that if these are your true friends, you should communicate with them openly, and they should openly support you. Sometimes when you go through big changes you figure out who is true and who is not.
Regardless, what you are doing is the very best thing you can ever do for YOU and for those you love. Know that every second!
Regardless, what you are doing is the very best thing you can ever do for YOU and for those you love. Know that every second!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by FormerWineGirl
My friends were big drinkers as well. I probably ran off anyone as a potential close friend that didn't drink heavy. So, they didn't say anything to me because we all enabled each other.
Now I stand on the other side of the fence, still friends with these ladies. One in particular is on a path to destruction, has been for years, and I don't know what to say to her or how to say it. I know, she knows, and our other three friends know it. They won't say anything to her because they are still in the "enabling" camp. I don't say anything because I don't want to come off as the preachy *enlightened* one because I quit drinking. We range in age from 44-57, so it isn't like we are kids, yet we don't address the elephant in the room.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not an easy conversation to have with someone. You just assume, right or wrong and as sad as it sounds, that they know and they will do something when they are ready. Just typing this makes me feel crappy.
Now I stand on the other side of the fence, still friends with these ladies. One in particular is on a path to destruction, has been for years, and I don't know what to say to her or how to say it. I know, she knows, and our other three friends know it. They won't say anything to her because they are still in the "enabling" camp. I don't say anything because I don't want to come off as the preachy *enlightened* one because I quit drinking. We range in age from 44-57, so it isn't like we are kids, yet we don't address the elephant in the room.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it is not an easy conversation to have with someone. You just assume, right or wrong and as sad as it sounds, that they know and they will do something when they are ready. Just typing this makes me feel crappy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Nobody believed/believes I am an alcoholic. The people I told all told me that I wasn't so bad... But I was. I think they didn't want to hurt my feelings or maybe (and actually) they didn't see me at my worse but I think once they thought about it they have supported my decision. Some of my friends have told me that I have inspired them to quit or slow down. Maybe that fact that once when I was drunk I told one of them that I was going to "kick his a$$ if he kept messing with me" was funny. I also reminded this friend (one that knows me since college) about my dui in 2002, all the times I fell and got hurt while drunk, all the stupid things I did ( including drawing inappropriate art on my friend's wedding poster) while under the influence... Etc. Ayayay...
I never wanted anyone to help me because I never liked to be told what to do. I was the goober that drank "at" her husband when he asked me to not get drunk... So silly! I knew in my heart I should quit for a few years and then 2 years ago it clicked. I started educating myself, making a plan and working it.
I'm so glad I'm never going to be in that place again. Best decision I have ever made because it enhanced my life. I'm so proud of myself.
I never wanted anyone to help me because I never liked to be told what to do. I was the goober that drank "at" her husband when he asked me to not get drunk... So silly! I knew in my heart I should quit for a few years and then 2 years ago it clicked. I started educating myself, making a plan and working it.
I'm so glad I'm never going to be in that place again. Best decision I have ever made because it enhanced my life. I'm so proud of myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
How you say you feel- what friends/family have said to you about your drinking......
We are two freakin peas in a pod. Everything you in like my experience dealing with alcohol to a "T".
I believe we are both a little stubborn, so we follow our own path,
but smart enough to realize if we need help--reach out
Did you hit your two-year mark? Hope so
We are two freakin peas in a pod. Everything you in like my experience dealing with alcohol to a "T".
I believe we are both a little stubborn, so we follow our own path,
but smart enough to realize if we need help--reach out
Did you hit your two-year mark? Hope so
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
I've received lots of support, including from friends who still drink. Cheering me on!
I can only think of one person who stuck their nose up and sniffed, "Well thank GAWD." That's less of a reflection on my addiction than it is on his petty character. I no longer drink but he's still a sanctimonious twerp. Sober, I can see clearly that he needs a reason to feel superior to everybody. With me, the reason was my drinking. No wonder he doesn't want to hang out anymore, LOL!
I can only think of one person who stuck their nose up and sniffed, "Well thank GAWD." That's less of a reflection on my addiction than it is on his petty character. I no longer drink but he's still a sanctimonious twerp. Sober, I can see clearly that he needs a reason to feel superior to everybody. With me, the reason was my drinking. No wonder he doesn't want to hang out anymore, LOL!
Brother of the Wolf
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Walking With Giants
Posts: 436
Originally Posted by SoberinSyracuse
I've received lots of support, including from friends who still drink. Cheering me on!
I can only think of one person who stuck their nose up and sniffed, "Well thank GAWD." That's less of a reflection on my addiction than it is on his petty character. I no longer drink but he's still a sanctimonious twerp. Sober, I can see clearly that he needs a reason to feel superior to everybody. With me, the reason was my drinking. No wonder he doesn't want to hang out anymore, LOL!
I can only think of one person who stuck their nose up and sniffed, "Well thank GAWD." That's less of a reflection on my addiction than it is on his petty character. I no longer drink but he's still a sanctimonious twerp. Sober, I can see clearly that he needs a reason to feel superior to everybody. With me, the reason was my drinking. No wonder he doesn't want to hang out anymore, LOL!
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