RABF had surgery... feelings of guilt
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RABF had surgery... feelings of guilt
Sorry I advance if this is long. Partly, I think I just need to vent. So, RABF had surgery 2 days ago. It was outpatient, but the recovery time is around a month. Right now he cant drive or do any lifing/ limited mobility. Part of his recovery plan is taking care of alot of health issues he let slide during his active addiction. So, I am proud of him for taking action. However, part of my recovery plan is to not continue to be his care taker. I felt more like a mother recently, than a girlfriend, so I am so conflicted by the situation I currently find myself in. I understand he is in pain and needs help, I just don't like being told "I have to" do anything. His bandages need to be changed twice a day, and for now, a home nurse comes to do that... but I am being told I have to learn how to do it. Insurance will only cover the nurse for a limited time. I was very adament when the surgery was scheduled that all this made me uncomfortable, as I am supposed to be taking care of myself right now, and he vice versa. I feel this disaproval from the nurses (whether real or imagined, I dont know) for not taking care of him. I just want to scream " he is an addict and I've been 'taking care' of him for 6 years. " I dont mind running around and doing errands for him right now and my plan is as soon as he can drive, the errand doing will stop. But this bandage situation just gets to me for some reason. I feel guilty for not helping enough, and RABF feels guilty for needing my help at all. Ugh!
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Hello Turtle!
It has been my experience that home health nurses work for some company or another. If you know from which organization they are being sent, you might want to consider calling that company, asking to speak to the manager, and explaining that their nurses seem to be pressuring you to take over his care and why you simply cannot act as his nurse.
It has been my experience that home health nurses work for some company or another. If you know from which organization they are being sent, you might want to consider calling that company, asking to speak to the manager, and explaining that their nurses seem to be pressuring you to take over his care and why you simply cannot act as his nurse.
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Seren... I am not really being pressured, so much as insurance only covers the nurse for 2 weeks and bandages will be there for a month (on his back, so help is needed). I think I will be ready to take over by then, I just feel "judged." My guess is it is more in my head then real. I'm just trying to work through these emotions.
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I was very adament when the surgery was scheduled that all this made me uncomfortable, as I am supposed to be taking care of myself right now, and he vice versa
Are you saying that he has the ability to change the bandages himself and is opting for you to do it instead? Or, is he currently physically incapacitated, and will be unable to do so for himself (when the insurance nurses run out)?
Are you saying that he has the ability to change the bandages himself and is opting for you to do it instead? Or, is he currently physically incapacitated, and will be unable to do so for himself (when the insurance nurses run out)?
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Red.. he can't dress the wound himself... its on his back. I know there is a difference between doing something for someone when they can do it themselves, and in this case, truly helping... which he needs help. It is just hard to turn off feelings of resentment which are deep, after years of active addiction.
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I just don't like being told "I have to" do anything. His bandages need to be changed twice a day, and for now, a home nurse comes to do that... but I am being told I have to learn how to do it.
I'm guessing you have a lot of "resentment" from 6 years of living with an addict as his care taker. Maybe try and work through your resentments these next couple of weeks and the right answers for you will emerge.
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I don't know the medical details, but most surgeries don't require dressings for longer than a week or so. Are you sure he will require dressing changes for that long? If he will only need the help for a few days after the insurance runs out, it shouldn't be that costly to have someone come in to change them. Is he truly unable to pay for the help out of pocket? What if you were to help with the cost for those few days? Not that you should feel in any way obligated, but if you wanted to help without the resentment of doing the physical care yourself, it might be worth it.
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I understand what you mean Turtle; you're being put in the position to help "by default".
It's not really a Codie thing if you help him out, since he has an actual need that he can't address himself.... but that doesn't supersede your feelings about it all. After all the years of Doing For Him, you've hit a wall & where a normal person would be able to pitch in cheerfully right now, it just feels like more of the same 'ole, same 'ole to you. A one-way street of give-give-give, right?
I'm guessing the alternative is to pay out of pocket for the nurse though - is that feasible? I know they sometimes charge minimums for this kind of care & it can get pricey when there is no insurance copayment.
It's not really a Codie thing if you help him out, since he has an actual need that he can't address himself.... but that doesn't supersede your feelings about it all. After all the years of Doing For Him, you've hit a wall & where a normal person would be able to pitch in cheerfully right now, it just feels like more of the same 'ole, same 'ole to you. A one-way street of give-give-give, right?
I'm guessing the alternative is to pay out of pocket for the nurse though - is that feasible? I know they sometimes charge minimums for this kind of care & it can get pricey when there is no insurance copayment.
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Lexie....there actually ARE some surgical sites that require pr olonged drainage (such as pilonidal cyst, for example..).....
Turtle....I noted that on one of your posts...you shared that you were shocked to learn how controlling you have been of him....(good insight)...
I can understand that you have some built up resentments, spilling over, form 6yrs. of taking care of him....
I wonder, if, in addition to that...it might be difficult for someone else to "tell you what to do"......I know, from experience, that people who are controlling can be verrry resistant to someone else "controlling" (instructing) THEM what to do...... (my mother...lol....)....
dandylion
Turtle....I noted that on one of your posts...you shared that you were shocked to learn how controlling you have been of him....(good insight)...
I can understand that you have some built up resentments, spilling over, form 6yrs. of taking care of him....
I wonder, if, in addition to that...it might be difficult for someone else to "tell you what to do"......I know, from experience, that people who are controlling can be verrry resistant to someone else "controlling" (instructing) THEM what to do...... (my mother...lol....)....
dandylion
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Omg Firesprite... you just hit the nail on the head. I am really hoping that in the next two weeks I work through these feelings so I can help without resentment, as he can sense when im feeling that way. It might be worth it to pay for someone.. we will see. I already feel better just "vocalizing" everything.
I know it sounds weird that the wound needs to be dressed for so long, but it does. Google pilonidal cyst if you dare... just make sure you're not getting ready to eat. There are no stitches in this surgery. It heals from the inside out and needs to be packed. Its very painful and slow healing.
I know it sounds weird that the wound needs to be dressed for so long, but it does. Google pilonidal cyst if you dare... just make sure you're not getting ready to eat. There are no stitches in this surgery. It heals from the inside out and needs to be packed. Its very painful and slow healing.
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Hi,
I was a homecare nurse for many years. You can request the MD to put a wound vac on the site. Dressing are changed 3 x q week. The insurance company will pay for the nurse to come in 3 x a week, considered high tech. Also a wound that has packing is considered complex. Homecare agencies no longer get paid per visit, they don't like visits 1-2 times per day. Also typically insurance companies only approve so many visits per a 2 week period. Don't let the nurses make you do that dressing if you're not comfortable. It's the nurses job from the agency, to get more visits authorized, go to MD to get dressing change frequency orders changed, or perhaps a wound vac ordered. That is what they are being paid to do
I was a homecare nurse for many years. You can request the MD to put a wound vac on the site. Dressing are changed 3 x q week. The insurance company will pay for the nurse to come in 3 x a week, considered high tech. Also a wound that has packing is considered complex. Homecare agencies no longer get paid per visit, they don't like visits 1-2 times per day. Also typically insurance companies only approve so many visits per a 2 week period. Don't let the nurses make you do that dressing if you're not comfortable. It's the nurses job from the agency, to get more visits authorized, go to MD to get dressing change frequency orders changed, or perhaps a wound vac ordered. That is what they are being paid to do
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Originally Posted by Zircon 
Hi,
I was a homecare nurse for many years. You can request the MD to put a wound vac on the site. Dressing are changed 3 x q week. The insurance company will pay for the nurse to come in 3 x a week, considered high tech. Also a wound that has packing is considered complex. Homecare agencies no longer get paid per visit, they don't like visits 1-2 times per day. Also typically insurance companies only approve so many visits per a 2 week period. Don't let the nurses make you do that dressing if you're not comfortable. It's the nurses job from the agency, to get more visits authorized, go to MD to get dressing change frequency orders changed, or perhaps a wound vac ordered. That is what they are being paid to do
I was a homecare nurse for many years. You can request the MD to put a wound vac on the site. Dressing are changed 3 x q week. The insurance company will pay for the nurse to come in 3 x a week, considered high tech. Also a wound that has packing is considered complex. Homecare agencies no longer get paid per visit, they don't like visits 1-2 times per day. Also typically insurance companies only approve so many visits per a 2 week period. Don't let the nurses make you do that dressing if you're not comfortable. It's the nurses job from the agency, to get more visits authorized, go to MD to get dressing change frequency orders changed, or perhaps a wound vac ordered. That is what they are being paid to do
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I just LOVE that we have so much valuable expertise here on this forum!!
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Yes I am just aching for the day someone desperately needs to find out how to do something in Power Point or InDesign!
Sheesh, I fight with Power Point on a regular basis. Do you know the Mac version? (I still find it amazing that the forum bleeps out the PPT if you type it as one word)
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Yes I am just aching for the day someone desperately needs to find out how to do something in Power Point or InDesign!
Turtle, I totally get where you are coming from. My RAP has had so many medical issues on top of the addiction, I am in the same burned out boat. Resentment is what has killed me in the past. I would strongly suggest that you do some soul searching over the next couple of weeks and make sure that you are either in an honestly good place with helping out, or that you tell him he really needs to make other arrangements. Doing something you really don't want to do and resenting it (and by extension, him) can majorly derail any progress you've made in both of your recoveries. Sending you hugs - this is not easy work!!
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