finding a sponsor to help me quit drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
finding a sponsor to help me quit drinking?
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel like I am going to be miserable no matter what I do. When I drink every night when I get home from work, its bearable. I can let go of the stress and anxiety and just relax and breath and be comfortable by myself. But it is also lonely and there has to be more to life then coming home to a drink and my laptop. But the 2 times I have tried to quit drinking recently, I drank on night 2. Maybe I do need to taper down first like I was thinking in the first place. But even when I made it my longest, 87 days last year, I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I was dragging myself though life one sober day after another. Nothing was changing. Yes, I wasn't drinking or smoking pot, I was sober and going to meetings, calling my sponsor, trying to make sober friends, reaching out, and even started step work. But even sober, I still could not get to work on time, I could not fall asleep at night, I still was gaining weight, couldn't motivate myself to clean my house or my car, I was constantly in fear of losing my job (which i did eventually). The only thing that changed was that i was sober. So there was nothing to ease the misery. Which is probably one of the reasons i relapsed. Because being sober wasn't helping ANY of my problems. I still felt so alone, isolated, scared, and sad.
Tomorrow is my day off so maybe i will try to go to a few meetings. I know i did not start making progress last year until i got a temporary sponsor. Maybe i need to ask someone to temporary sponsor me. But whoever I ask has to know that i am currently still drinking. That i haven't been able to stop yet and i need help to stop. I will not consider going to detox or inpatient because i know i can stop without that. Just like i did last year. Even tho it took a long time of trying before I actually did it. The only time i would consider going to detox is if I knew I needed to be supervised to safely withdrawal. But that is not the case. I am not going to have a medical issue if i stop drinking. I just need to figure out how to push myself through the discomfort, enough support to get me through the cravings, and something to motivate me to not give in.
Tomorrow is my day off so maybe i will try to go to a few meetings. I know i did not start making progress last year until i got a temporary sponsor. Maybe i need to ask someone to temporary sponsor me. But whoever I ask has to know that i am currently still drinking. That i haven't been able to stop yet and i need help to stop. I will not consider going to detox or inpatient because i know i can stop without that. Just like i did last year. Even tho it took a long time of trying before I actually did it. The only time i would consider going to detox is if I knew I needed to be supervised to safely withdrawal. But that is not the case. I am not going to have a medical issue if i stop drinking. I just need to figure out how to push myself through the discomfort, enough support to get me through the cravings, and something to motivate me to not give in.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think it's really hard to experience the benefits of sobriety until you give sobriety a decent go - and that might mean longer than 87 days or whatever...
It's a leap of faith really - you have to be prepared to not be very comfortable for a while in order for a long term payoff?
I think AA, a sponsor, and the Steps have worked for a lot of people. Why not give it a go?
D
It's a leap of faith really - you have to be prepared to not be very comfortable for a while in order for a long term payoff?
I think AA, a sponsor, and the Steps have worked for a lot of people. Why not give it a go?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think it's really hard to experience the benefits of sobriety until you give sobriety a decent go - and that might mean longer than 87 days or whatever...
D
D
Dee, what IS a decent go? To me, 87 days was an eternity. I understand that people live the rest of their lives sober... but for me, 87 days was a super long time. I can only hope I make it to 87 days again one day. I can only hope. How long do i have to stick it out miserable before something gets better?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I just thought about the length of time I'd drunk - that was twenty years.
Measured against that a few months seems less interminable.
I was willing to wait however long it took because drinking was going to kill me.
For me things started to shift at 3 months - and I'm not trying to annoy you - things really did change for me in that 90-120 day period.
I do know what you mean tho - I once gave up booze for two months and nearly lost my mind.
That's why I think most of us have to do more than just give up drinking.
If we don;t change our lives, if we don't find that support, we're trying not to drink in a life that we've fashioned to faciliate drinking.
It's no wonder I (and it seems you ) went mad.
why not give something like AA a go - get a sponsor and do the steps? do you have anything to lose?
D
Measured against that a few months seems less interminable.
I was willing to wait however long it took because drinking was going to kill me.
For me things started to shift at 3 months - and I'm not trying to annoy you - things really did change for me in that 90-120 day period.
I do know what you mean tho - I once gave up booze for two months and nearly lost my mind.
That's why I think most of us have to do more than just give up drinking.
If we don;t change our lives, if we don't find that support, we're trying not to drink in a life that we've fashioned to faciliate drinking.
It's no wonder I (and it seems you ) went mad.
why not give something like AA a go - get a sponsor and do the steps? do you have anything to lose?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by Dee74
For me things started to shift at 3 months - and I'm not trying to annoy you - things really did change for me in that 90-120 day period.
I do know what you mean tho - I once gave up booze for two months and nearly lost my mind.
That's why I think most of us have to do more than just give up drinking.
If we don;t change our lives, if we don't find that support, we're trying not to drink in a life that we've fashioned to faciliate drinking.
It's no wonder I (and it seems you ) went mad.
why not give something like AA a go - get a sponsor and do the steps? do you have anything to lose?
D
I do know what you mean tho - I once gave up booze for two months and nearly lost my mind.
That's why I think most of us have to do more than just give up drinking.
If we don;t change our lives, if we don't find that support, we're trying not to drink in a life that we've fashioned to faciliate drinking.
It's no wonder I (and it seems you ) went mad.
why not give something like AA a go - get a sponsor and do the steps? do you have anything to lose?
D
Thank you for giving me something to think about. I suppose I do not have one thing to lose. I do not have anything in my life that would be taken away from me if i stayed sober. I do not have a boyfriend, or any close friends, that I would be truly hurt over losing. At one point in time i did have people who I fell apart over when I lost them. I could not function without them. But those people who were so important to me, i have already lost them. They are not going to come back no matter how much i miss them. And i still have my family. My mom loves me unconditionally. No matter what. And even if I do not talk to or see them much, I know my Dad and brother love me and will always be there if i need them. It is comforting just to know that they are there.
I will give AA another try. Its just that I tried that last year and it proved to not be enough. The gossip and drama and politics of AA... kinda takes away from the goal of getting sober and helping others to get sober. I suppose you have to take the good with the bad. If I need help, I cant be picky about who and where the help is coming from.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I can appreciate where you're coming from, ItsJustMe89. You're life didn't become a mess overnight so fixing it won't happen overnight, either. It took a fair amount of sober time until I started getting my life on the track I wanted. Sobriety isn't a quick fix for all your problems. It's more like the first rung on the ladder you have to climb to get where you want to be.
Speaking for myself the firs three months were very turbulent. Lots of ups and downs. Sleeping was the hardest part. And I'd get these bursts of irritability and irrational anger that came from out of the blue. In retrospect I think it was a manifestation of my frustration- frustration on the part of my Beast/AV combined with my frustration from not having the tools to cope with stuff. That was huge! I dealt with all my problems for 25 years by getting drunk. Take that away and I didn't really know what else to do.
You can make the change though, ItsJustMe89. Baby steps!
Speaking for myself the firs three months were very turbulent. Lots of ups and downs. Sleeping was the hardest part. And I'd get these bursts of irritability and irrational anger that came from out of the blue. In retrospect I think it was a manifestation of my frustration- frustration on the part of my Beast/AV combined with my frustration from not having the tools to cope with stuff. That was huge! I dealt with all my problems for 25 years by getting drunk. Take that away and I didn't really know what else to do.
You can make the change though, ItsJustMe89. Baby steps!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
87 days is a long time for an alcoholic not to drink, but stacking time was only a part of getting sober for me. I too engaged in the fellowship of AA. While comforting, it was step work with a qualified sponsor that removed the obsession for me to drink around 3-4 months.
It was not the meetings we make, but the steps we take that made the difference in my life starting 6/9/2014.
A sponsor is a guide certainly, but they don't keep me sober or make me drink. Step work does that.
Glad you're here with us
Keep coming back
It was not the meetings we make, but the steps we take that made the difference in my life starting 6/9/2014.
A sponsor is a guide certainly, but they don't keep me sober or make me drink. Step work does that.
Glad you're here with us
Keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
You sound a lot like me, like all of us actually.
Drinking is both a symptom and a problem.
Until we get rid of the drinking, the rest is impossible, but the rest does not cure itself, sadly.
So you have to have faith that stopping drinking will make your life better. And will allow you to be the person you are, which will also make your life better.
This is all huge, and not easy. Especially when so much other stuff has piled on top.
But you have parents and a brother who love you.
Lean on them.
Lean on everyone.
But most of all convince yourself you are worth it.
We only get one ride on the Lifeboat -- go for it.
Drinking is both a symptom and a problem.
Until we get rid of the drinking, the rest is impossible, but the rest does not cure itself, sadly.
So you have to have faith that stopping drinking will make your life better. And will allow you to be the person you are, which will also make your life better.
This is all huge, and not easy. Especially when so much other stuff has piled on top.
But you have parents and a brother who love you.
Lean on them.
Lean on everyone.
But most of all convince yourself you are worth it.
We only get one ride on the Lifeboat -- go for it.
Alive in the Superunknown
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: 30.47ºN, 98.15ºW
Posts: 1,460
Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89
The only thing that changed was that i was sober.
Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89
That i haven't been able to stop yet and i need help to stop [...] and something to motivate me to not give in.
You know you need help. Go get it. Take the first step yourself tomorrow morning by pouring out any booze you have laying around, and by committing to not drinking for the next 24 hours.
I hope you're able to get a temporary sponsor, I hope you're able to make one day sober tomorrow, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm suggesting AA because I know you've tried it before, it's worked for a lot of my friends here and it's pretty much anywhere - but there are other secular meeting based groups too. The thing is to do *something* I think IJM - there's no reason why you can get sober and stay that way if you want it enough 
D
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
When I got to three months sober, I was still miserable. Then I started to practice gratitude every day. That made all the difference. Start counting your blessings. Make a gratitude list every day, even little things. It changed my whole life.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89
...even when I made it my longest, 87 days last year, I wasn't happy. I was miserable. I was dragging myself though life one sober day after another.... But even sober, I still could not get to work on time, I could not fall asleep at night, I still was gaining weight, couldn't motivate myself to clean my house or my car, I was constantly in fear of losing my job (which i did eventually). The only thing that changed was that i was sober. So there was nothing to ease the misery.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
I'm enjoying sobriety and can't imagine going back to drinking. But my previous tries weren't like that.
The difference this time 'round is that I'm actually taking steps to change my life. Make new friends. Get back in shape. Try some new hobbies. Use the money I'm not spending on booze to save up for a trip.
If you quit drinking and do nothing but focus on not drinking, life is gonna be a drag. When you quit drinking, you have to embrace life and start reinventing yourself. That's my opinion, for what it's worth.
The difference this time 'round is that I'm actually taking steps to change my life. Make new friends. Get back in shape. Try some new hobbies. Use the money I'm not spending on booze to save up for a trip.
If you quit drinking and do nothing but focus on not drinking, life is gonna be a drag. When you quit drinking, you have to embrace life and start reinventing yourself. That's my opinion, for what it's worth.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I would never have asked for help yrs ago
because I didn't want to burden anyone.
Didn't want to disturb anyone. It wasn't
until I entered rehab, not by choice, but
thru a family intervention when I was told
to ask 3 people to be my temporary sponsor.
That was going to be an uncomfortable
task for me to accomplish, but because
it was mandatory for me to do so, I did
ask 2 before I was released.
It was explained to me that the importance
of asking someone in recovery to be my
temporary sponsor was so that when the
urge to drink popped up, that I would reach
for a sponsor instead of a drink that would
and could keep me sober that day.
Asking for help had to be practiced often.
An uncomfortable task to get me out of my
own comfort zone. To get me out of my
selfishness. Selfish sick thinking.
I eventually began to realize that I
could use folks in a manner of speaking,
to my own advantage. For my own purpose
in helping me remain sober each day.
I did have my one and only sponsor to hold
onto and have never replaced her thruout
my sobriety. However, I have many many
many sponsors in the fellowship I have quietly
latched onto without their knowledge.
Thru the yrs. and all the many many different
meetings ive attended, sat quietly behind or
near those I wanted to hear how they have
remain sober a many one days at a time. Wanting
what they have. Happiness, health, honesty.
I had to learn to never place anyone on a
pedestal because no one is perfect. Even
those with many yrs sober can return to the
drink, the insanity and spiraling decline if
they ever pick up a drink or drug again.
Even after 25 yrs sober, I still use folks, members
in recovery, quietly holding them close to walk
with them in recovery following their success in
staying sober for a many one days at a time, living
life incorporating all the tools and knowledge
taught tho them and passed on to me.
Each and everyone here in SR has something
to bring to the recovery table and as I sit
here each day in front of my computer, I read
quietly, absorbing helpful new ways to enjoy
life sober, or reinforcing my own recovery life
to do whatever I need to do to remain sober,
honest and healthy in mind, body and soul.
As I quietly help you with my own thoughts
and words of wisdom, you help me to stay sober
each day too.
The fellowship in recovery are my quiet sponsors
standing or sitting strong together.
because I didn't want to burden anyone.
Didn't want to disturb anyone. It wasn't
until I entered rehab, not by choice, but
thru a family intervention when I was told
to ask 3 people to be my temporary sponsor.
That was going to be an uncomfortable
task for me to accomplish, but because
it was mandatory for me to do so, I did
ask 2 before I was released.
It was explained to me that the importance
of asking someone in recovery to be my
temporary sponsor was so that when the
urge to drink popped up, that I would reach
for a sponsor instead of a drink that would
and could keep me sober that day.
Asking for help had to be practiced often.
An uncomfortable task to get me out of my
own comfort zone. To get me out of my
selfishness. Selfish sick thinking.
I eventually began to realize that I
could use folks in a manner of speaking,
to my own advantage. For my own purpose
in helping me remain sober each day.
I did have my one and only sponsor to hold
onto and have never replaced her thruout
my sobriety. However, I have many many
many sponsors in the fellowship I have quietly
latched onto without their knowledge.
Thru the yrs. and all the many many different
meetings ive attended, sat quietly behind or
near those I wanted to hear how they have
remain sober a many one days at a time. Wanting
what they have. Happiness, health, honesty.
I had to learn to never place anyone on a
pedestal because no one is perfect. Even
those with many yrs sober can return to the
drink, the insanity and spiraling decline if
they ever pick up a drink or drug again.
Even after 25 yrs sober, I still use folks, members
in recovery, quietly holding them close to walk
with them in recovery following their success in
staying sober for a many one days at a time, living
life incorporating all the tools and knowledge
taught tho them and passed on to me.
Each and everyone here in SR has something
to bring to the recovery table and as I sit
here each day in front of my computer, I read
quietly, absorbing helpful new ways to enjoy
life sober, or reinforcing my own recovery life
to do whatever I need to do to remain sober,
honest and healthy in mind, body and soul.
As I quietly help you with my own thoughts
and words of wisdom, you help me to stay sober
each day too.
The fellowship in recovery are my quiet sponsors
standing or sitting strong together.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by ItsJustMe89
Dee, what IS a decent go? To me, 87 days was an eternity. I understand that people live the rest of their lives sober... but for me, 87 days was a super long time. I can only hope I make it to 87 days again one day. I can only hope. How long do i have to stick it out miserable before something gets better?
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I had been in and out of AA for 25 years before I finally worked those steps with a sponsor. That is what made all the difference in my life. Maybe you can find someone who can help guide you through those steps not once, but a few times and then you can pass them on with another suffering alcoholic!
You CAN stay stopped, too!!
You CAN stay stopped, too!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Before any sponsor can take you through the steps, you need to have reached a place where you want sobriety and recovery enough to exchange wilFULness for wilINGness. That means...
Willingness to stay sober - one day at a time (including seeking professional help to so this safely if it would be necessary)
Willingness to look for the similarities and not the differences
Willingness to place principles over personalities in the fellowship
Willingness to try doing things that you may not want to do that will help you in your recovery
Willingness to call yourself out on rationalisation and wishful thinking
Willingness to take responsibility for your own sobriety, and your actions and interactions as an adult
The whole willingness issue is so important. Pivotal in fact. We need to change how we do things, and how we think, if we are going to have the luxury of the AA promises coming true for us, and being comfortable in sobriety. However, as a very wise man told me, '...it's not our (sponsors) jobs to sober people up, to talk them into it, or to furnish them with motivation. We can simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools, and they can take it or leave it.
In short, a sponsor cannot make you stop drinking. You need to do that.
Willingness to stay sober - one day at a time (including seeking professional help to so this safely if it would be necessary)
Willingness to look for the similarities and not the differences
Willingness to place principles over personalities in the fellowship
Willingness to try doing things that you may not want to do that will help you in your recovery
Willingness to call yourself out on rationalisation and wishful thinking
Willingness to take responsibility for your own sobriety, and your actions and interactions as an adult
The whole willingness issue is so important. Pivotal in fact. We need to change how we do things, and how we think, if we are going to have the luxury of the AA promises coming true for us, and being comfortable in sobriety. However, as a very wise man told me, '...it's not our (sponsors) jobs to sober people up, to talk them into it, or to furnish them with motivation. We can simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools, and they can take it or leave it.
In short, a sponsor cannot make you stop drinking. You need to do that.
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