Praying

Hi- quick backstory- 20 years with abusive narcissistic alcoholic husband who I divorced 3 years ago and have truly healed from.

Met an amazing guy who I moved in with (with his 4 kids and my 2 kids) about a year ago. He was fantastic...until the day we moved in when he started drinking again and went down the slippery slope.

Not an abuser--but I was so betrayed at the fact that he KNEW my history and knew that I wouldn't do addiction again, and he just "didn't drink" when I met him...and I felt so trapped with the kids involved. (I moved too quickly moving in together, I know that.) I tried, stuck it out--he quit drinking but just did the motions with AA, etc. to appease me. He was absent and I was handling everything for all six kids and the house.

I love his kids. The hardest thing I did was tell him I couldn't do it anymore.

He moved out in November and immersed in the program and working on himself. Finally doing the things I begged for, and appearing to do well. But he didn't do them until he was out on his butt...so I do feel like it's his same pattern of doing what's necessary to get back in. I didn't mean "do this or else" when I asked him to leave. I meant I couldn't do it and didn't want to anymore. Not a threat.

He just came back and finished moving all of his things out a couple of weeks ago.

I haven't talked to him in six weeks or so. Told him I needed space.

He asked to talk to me and I decided I would let him call. He is working on amends. He's gotten to the hardest ones and wants to meet for coffee or something to do it in person and go over his list.

I said I needed to think about it. I already forgive him. I understand why he did what he did. That doesn't mean I want a future, which he also asked about (where I stand on that)...

I know it's okay for me to say no at this point.

I also know he sounds like he really needs to do it.

I don't think I'm trying to hold on to any anger by denying him. I just think I may not be ready yet. But will I ever be? If it's about just me, I don't think I ever want to hear it.

I find it funny that for years I've wished my X would go to AA and make some amends (not counting on that one, and have moved on and forgiven)...but here's a guy wanting to do so and I don't want to hear it.

Is it because I'm afraid he'll feel like that opens the door to a relationship? That I'm afraid I will "fall for it" and let him back into my life? I don't know the answer, I'm just a jumbled mess right now trying to sort it out.

Anyway...just thought maybe some of you wise folks might have thoughts that could help. Thanks.

Ariesagain

I'm not wise, but it sounds like you are...you seem very clear and grounded that this relationship is over. I would trust your gut on not wanting to meet with him...maybe just send an email thanking him for the thought, tell him you forgave him some time ago, and wish him well in the future?

Katiekate

I have no idea why you don't want to do it. The important thing is, you don't want to do it. Don't second guess yourself, go with your gut and continue forward. Your answers may or may not come with time. I have learned to try not to second guess myself, it always causes a lot of angst . Not worth it.

LexieCat

You can acknowledge his overture and express your appreciation, and tell him you're not ready, you're not sure when you WILL be ready (if ever), but that if/when you are, you will let him know.

Part of the process of amends is understanding some people will not be ready to accept them. And honoring that. And going on with the rest of your life knowing you made the attempt.

So I would not worry a bit about the effect this will have on him, just go with what you feel is best for you.

Cyranoak

...but were I out there again I would NEVER, EVER, EVER start up with somebody in recovery for a drug or alcohol addiction. Ever. EVER.

I liken it to this-- if I was holding a lit match and had no choice but to enter one of three rooms, one being filled with aluminum furniture, another being filled with wooden furniture, and the other being filled with wooden furniture soaked in gasoline, it would only be the room with aluminum furniture.

I'm a codependent and, in my case, I also have a profound Dudley Do-Right complex. Before Alanon I'd have entered the gasoline room ASAP. After a few years in Alanon it became the wood room (this is the room of addicts in recovery), and now it's either the aluminum room or... wait for it... I'd blow out the match and not enter a room at all.

Cyranoak

Liveitwell

I agree with the above. I have a somewhat messed up perspective as I received "amends" from my ex that were filled with tears and apologies and I fell for it hook line and sinker. He had not changed. Nowadays after seeing who he truly was, an abusive arrogant bully, I have no need to hear his amends-ever-not that I ever expect him to make any-bc that would be admitting transgressions which is something he will never do. And that's ok. I don't need his validation to go on and live a happy full life-and it sounds like that's where you are at. You don't owe him anything, friend. Trust your gut-we have at least learned that much

DesertEyes

I did something like that. Divorced a pill-addicted woman after a 20 year marriage. Spent two years on my own, then fell for a lovely lady with 23+ years in her own program of recovery from various addictions. We did really well for 5 years until I got tired of her "slips" and "relapses" and found myself going down the same rabbit hole of co-dependency I had just gotten out of.

Going to AA and making some amends doesn't count. It's _actions_ and living an exemplary life _today_ that counts. I learned that with my ex#2 that had 23+ years in her program. It's not the years in the _past_ that count, it's what they are like _today_ that counts.

Well of course. Addiction does that to people, especially us "codies". Considering everything you have been through how could you _not_ be a mess?

I agree with the other posters. Your "gut" says "no", his behavior says "no", and that's all you really need to base your decision on.

Mike

Praying

Thank you all. Lexie, I may steal some of your words in my response to him. One of my local friends mentioned I could allow him to mail the written form if he'd like. I can choose to read if and when I want...anyone have thoughts on that approach?

I really think I'd rather not though. He said today that he's hurt me in some ways I probably don't even know...and I don't think I need to hear anything new at this point.

I really appreciate all of your responses.

And thank you for sharing Mike, because I can't help but feel stupid for getting in this situation.

Because, as Cryanoak said...I vowed NEVER to get tangled with an alcoholic again. He presented himself as NOT one, knew my story (which is why the betrayal was so deep even though I know in hindsight that he was in denial), and then did a 180 into his addiction. I've told him I wouldn't have gotten involved with him if I knew about it. It was a deal breaker for me.

LoveMeNow

A good way to measure an A's recovery is to simply tell them "no" and sit back - out of the line of fire....of course.

Trust your gut, it doesn't lie!! Glad to see you and the boys are doing well Praying!

dandylion

Praying....I think that if you don't want to do it...just tell him that you are going to "pass".....that you have already forgiven him....and, that it is a closed book, as far as you are concerned.

His reaction is up to him.....he has others to help him with this aspect of his recovery....

dandylion

redatlanta

He should be taught under the amends process to accept a no.....also to not cause further harm. I don't see how informing you of "further hurts he did that you don't know about" is helpful for YOU, in the same sentence as asking if you have possibility of a future. What part of the amend process is that?

I'd have no problem saying no here. You have already forgiven him. No to a letter either. Alleviating his guilt and/or roping you back in to drama that's passed, and that you don't know about anyway, serves no purpose for you.

LexieCat

I think it depends on what he did. If he stole money from your bank account, then a proper amends would be to tell you what he did and then make you whole. If it's something like cheating on you, that's something you probably are better off not knowing. If he's working with a sponsor, hopefully that's all been considered and weighed before he approaches you.

And amends aren't something you can exactly put in the mail. It's more than confession, or apology. It's SUPPOSED to be a face-to-face admission of wrong, an attempt or offer to make it right, along with a query as to how best to make it right--along with anything you might not have realized hurt the other person.

Bottom line, though, is you are completely free to say yes or no or not yet.

Ariesagain

I'm a cynic, but him wanting to tell you more stuff to me sounds like he's trying to suck you back in and/hurt you while he's under the halo of "making amends."

"No" is a complete sentence. Of course, you're nicer than I am, so maybe "No. Thank you."

Praying

So I sent a text saying I'm not ready for that conversation at this time.

He said he didn't understand why, and said he'd like us to commit to weekly calls at a set time to stay connected/touch base.

I responded...
Said I'm working on some things too and I'm not in a position to hear any new hurts or reopen wounds. That I forgave him already and understand addiction- I don't need to hear anything. He is forgiven. I said he knew my story when we met and I had openly shared that I couldn't have addiction in an intimate relationship again, which he then blindsided me with. I said that forgiveness is separate from determining what's right for me going forward, and I couldn't commit to phone calls and needed more space.

What's funny is that I was so concerned about not hurting him...but anything other than this response wouldn't be true to me. I woke up this morning feeling so much better deep inside.

It's funny--he seems to feel that he's done so much and we can erase things and start over...and some part of me feels "bad" that I'm supposed to want to--why not if he can be the guy I wanted? If this were my first rodeo, maybe...but I've fallen off that horse too many times before he came along. Riding just ain't worth it, I'd rather walk.

Thanks for listening.