Newby needing advice
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Kent
Posts: 3
Newby needing advice
Hi, this is the first time I have ever posted on anything like this. My husband who I love more than anything binge drinks on his days off and hides the bottle, always vodka. He does 4 days on then 4 off and I get home from work and he's drunk but thinks I don't notice. He's gone for counselling a couple of times and was really positive then does exactly the same thing. I haveI a really stressful job working with cancer patients and I try and try to help and support him but it's getting harder. Every time we talk about it he cries and says how much he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and he says he doesn't know why he drinks when I'm not there, I went out today and bought his anniversary present for our 11th anniversary and when I came home found a coke bottle half full of vodka in his jacket pocket, only looked in his pocket cos I couldn't close the cupboard door! We don't have kids, it's just the two of us and because of his shifts I'm on my own worrying about it or at work worrying what I'm coming home to. He's a stupid drunk, talks rubbish and doesn't remember what he's said or done. He's never violent and I know he loves me but I don't know what to do. I've been crying since I found the bottle today and I so want to help him but I'm running out of steam. He was laid off 4 years ago from the job he'd been in since he left school and has a permanent job (for the last eighteen months) , I know he doesn't like it that much but it's a job, mine is horrible at the moment but I have to just get on with it. I love him so much and would never leave him and h doesn't drink apart from a couple of beers when he's working. Sorry this has been such a long post but weirdly helps a bit writing it down.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
You may want to ask him to attend an AA meeting with you.
My friend in AA who has over 8 years sober was brought to a meeting this same way.
He never took a drink again from that day.
Is this a guarantee ?
No, but has worked well for some.
M-Bob
My friend in AA who has over 8 years sober was brought to a meeting this same way.
He never took a drink again from that day.
Is this a guarantee ?
No, but has worked well for some.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I agree with the above thought...
I'm very sorry to say that it's unlikely he will truly get help that is lasting and makes a difference unless and until he makes the decision that he really wants sobriety.
Maybe you could tell him how important it is to you that he try an AA meeting. Maybe you could suggest he read some of what's out here on SoberRecovery..... but honestly, the best thing you can do is educate and support yourself.
You can ask, you can give ultimatums, you can tell him where your boundaries are and what you expect of him.... but at the end of the day you can only impact yourself.
I'd suggest going to alanon or AA yourself, get a copy of The Big Book, read it and learn all you can about how alcoholism works and the thought process of the active alcoholic......
but above all; take care of YOU.
You're very welcome here... check out the friends and family forum as well.
I'm very sorry to say that it's unlikely he will truly get help that is lasting and makes a difference unless and until he makes the decision that he really wants sobriety.
Maybe you could tell him how important it is to you that he try an AA meeting. Maybe you could suggest he read some of what's out here on SoberRecovery..... but honestly, the best thing you can do is educate and support yourself.
You can ask, you can give ultimatums, you can tell him where your boundaries are and what you expect of him.... but at the end of the day you can only impact yourself.
I'd suggest going to alanon or AA yourself, get a copy of The Big Book, read it and learn all you can about how alcoholism works and the thought process of the active alcoholic......
but above all; take care of YOU.
You're very welcome here... check out the friends and family forum as well.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hey, Pud. You'll get lots of responses with various things you can suggest to your husband so I'll leave that part to others.
I firmly believe that the expert on what your husband needs to get sober is... your husband. I'd suggest asking him rather than asking us. What he has to say is much more important than what we have to say. Others may disagree; that's just my opinion.
Of course you know that there's no way to make him get sober until he decides for himself that he's sick and tired of being sick and tired. Does he aspire to a better, happier, healthier life? He must, or he wouldn't have sought counseling. But obviously, the counseling was not effective and I don't see much point in repeating things which haven't worked.
I don't have much faith in confrontation or intervention because that definitely would not have worked for me. But others on here may have a different perspective.
I firmly believe that the expert on what your husband needs to get sober is... your husband. I'd suggest asking him rather than asking us. What he has to say is much more important than what we have to say. Others may disagree; that's just my opinion.
Of course you know that there's no way to make him get sober until he decides for himself that he's sick and tired of being sick and tired. Does he aspire to a better, happier, healthier life? He must, or he wouldn't have sought counseling. But obviously, the counseling was not effective and I don't see much point in repeating things which haven't worked.
I don't have much faith in confrontation or intervention because that definitely would not have worked for me. But others on here may have a different perspective.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Pud,
Hi and welcome.
I can relate from your husband's side. I was the drunk.
My wife works so hard, my job is easier. She is not a drinker. I was a binger.
At least a few times a year, together 16 years, we would get in big arguments. I was always wasted when these happened.
She asked me many times to quit. That never worked. She never threatend to leave. She would avoid me, usually, when i was drinking. I was usually pretty good when we went out, usually.
Drinking was destroying my brain and my health. It was ruining my family life. I was barely making it. I was a stroke waiting to happen.
I quit because of my health and my family. I was a mess. I don't know if my wife giving me an ultimatum would have stopped me.
In your case it could be the same. Something traumatic might need to occur to get your hubby to stop. E.g. dui, health scare, etc.
You can't stop your hubby. Even if you had time to try. He would find a way to drink.
He has to make the choice. Quitting booze is not easy. Physically, he might have major issues trying to quit. If so, he should seek a Dr. From what I know, Dr.s will put him on anti. D.s. They are more addictive than booze. I managed on my own.
The mental damage takes months to heal. The brain is deeply damaged. Without the booze your hubby will feel like he is going crazy. On the outside, might look normal, but his brain will be freaking out.
Recommend you introduce him to this site. This place can save his life and your marriage.
If you are religious...Pray.
Hi and welcome.
I can relate from your husband's side. I was the drunk.
My wife works so hard, my job is easier. She is not a drinker. I was a binger.
At least a few times a year, together 16 years, we would get in big arguments. I was always wasted when these happened.
She asked me many times to quit. That never worked. She never threatend to leave. She would avoid me, usually, when i was drinking. I was usually pretty good when we went out, usually.
Drinking was destroying my brain and my health. It was ruining my family life. I was barely making it. I was a stroke waiting to happen.
I quit because of my health and my family. I was a mess. I don't know if my wife giving me an ultimatum would have stopped me.
In your case it could be the same. Something traumatic might need to occur to get your hubby to stop. E.g. dui, health scare, etc.
You can't stop your hubby. Even if you had time to try. He would find a way to drink.
He has to make the choice. Quitting booze is not easy. Physically, he might have major issues trying to quit. If so, he should seek a Dr. From what I know, Dr.s will put him on anti. D.s. They are more addictive than booze. I managed on my own.
The mental damage takes months to heal. The brain is deeply damaged. Without the booze your hubby will feel like he is going crazy. On the outside, might look normal, but his brain will be freaking out.
Recommend you introduce him to this site. This place can save his life and your marriage.
If you are religious...Pray.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
I'd suggest going to alanon or AA yourself, get a copy of The Big Book, read it and learn all you can about how alcoholism works and the thought process of the active alcoholic......
:
:
Personally, I was unable to stop my 25+ years of all-day-every-day heavy drinking with only social/behavioral support. I got some naturopathic medical intervention to restore normal brain function and NOW I am able to focus on social/behavioral aspects. And I'm not suffering or going crazy like many people do in early sobriety.
We're not allowed to share specifics of medical treatment in these threads, but if you want to PM me I'll point you toward some resources if you're interested. I won't lie. It was expensive and aggressive, but it worked in just a few days. And I did not/do not use any pharmaceutical meds. No sleep meds, antidepressants, anti-craving meds, nothing.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Pud
I forgot to mention that you can order the AA Big Book on line for not much money. It explains alcoholism in great detail and also has a plan for recovery.
My wife (normie) also read it and got a whole lot out of it.
This may bring your family much hope.
Have a blessed day
M Bob
I forgot to mention that you can order the AA Big Book on line for not much money. It explains alcoholism in great detail and also has a plan for recovery.
My wife (normie) also read it and got a whole lot out of it.
This may bring your family much hope.
Have a blessed day
M Bob
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