The phenomenon of acceptance.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 226
The phenomenon of acceptance.
I love this forum and all the support it offers. It seems most story's I read about achieving sobriety starts with one moment that a realization occurs in one's mind that there is no other option. I've spent a long time blaming or searching for some reason that I can't put down the bottle once I pick it up. But I'm realizing it really doesn't matter. Alcohol triggers that mentality. At least for me anyway. I have seen the horrible things that alcohol does. But I can't seem to reach that point in my mind and heart that gives me the strength to move on. I'm actually a pretty organized person. It seems everyone keeps telling me I need a plan. As if I haven't sit down many days and wrote out a 3 page plan. But what good is plan without action to follow it? So now I ask what is it that gives strength to take action to follow a plan? I believe that is the question to help me.
I've read people's recovery stories and hard times. I can empathize with every one but I can't empathize with myself. I can't find that moment that reason that feeling in my mind and heart to make that decision to quit. I know that alcohol makes me focus on myself. I know that it makes me for go others as if I'm the center of the universe. I see the negative effects it has on others. I am learning to accept I really have a problem and it affects others who do not have this problem. I want sobriety more then ever. But I can't figure out what makes me want it for me.
I've been texting a really good girl. We are gonna go out tomorrow. She really makes me happy. I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't know where that falls in recovery. I've also been wondering if maybe I should be posting in the alcohol forum??
Anyway I think I need a real reason to quit for myself. I think I'm slowly going to find it. Please feel free to share any advice you have.
I'm working on a AA meeting. I won't go by myself but I have a good friend who will go with me. But it's hard cause I've worked so hard to not let my problem hurt others. And for me to ask her to go with me means I've taken precious time out of her life to help me.
Again any advice would be appreciated.
I've read people's recovery stories and hard times. I can empathize with every one but I can't empathize with myself. I can't find that moment that reason that feeling in my mind and heart to make that decision to quit. I know that alcohol makes me focus on myself. I know that it makes me for go others as if I'm the center of the universe. I see the negative effects it has on others. I am learning to accept I really have a problem and it affects others who do not have this problem. I want sobriety more then ever. But I can't figure out what makes me want it for me.
I've been texting a really good girl. We are gonna go out tomorrow. She really makes me happy. I don't know if that is good or bad. I don't know where that falls in recovery. I've also been wondering if maybe I should be posting in the alcohol forum??
Anyway I think I need a real reason to quit for myself. I think I'm slowly going to find it. Please feel free to share any advice you have.
I'm working on a AA meeting. I won't go by myself but I have a good friend who will go with me. But it's hard cause I've worked so hard to not let my problem hurt others. And for me to ask her to go with me means I've taken precious time out of her life to help me.
Again any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I struggle all the time with this one..... how can I share anything with another person that will help THEM really, truly, make that choice?
At the end of the day, no matter how many words or experiences I share, it is each person's journey.
Just like everyone warned me about getting married young - and I still did it. Just like I spent over a decade after my first exposure to AA telling myself all the reasons AA wasn't for me....
We will NEVER do it until WE ARE READY TO DO IT. No matter what it is.
So... my advice here always focuses on choice. Sobriety is a choice. It's a choice to commit yourself to the harder path. It's a choice to value the payoff of a joyful and present life more than the perceived payoff of drinking.
To really make that choice, what it took for me was a long, drawn-out downward slide punctuated by regular pain, misery, despair and shame. Eventually, all of that plus the very real threat of losing everything I cared about led me to REALLY make the choice.
When I decided to REALLY make the choice - then I had to make it over and over again, every new day. And here's the key.... I really do think that if I'd simply begun making the choice earlier... even if I really wasn't fully on board with THE BIG FOREVER CHOICE - then maybe I'd have gotten sober sooner.
Maybe even though you struggle to WANT it for yourself, you can bring yourself to CHOOSE it for today. Just one damn day of choosing sobriety, whether you really want it or not. Focus on the reasons why you even MIGHT want to choose it, and just choose it for Today.
Then do that again tomorrow.
I promise you, if you choose it and if you begin to really do the work of changing - the choosing will become easier and easier until one day you wake up to the glorious realization that you really, really, really DO want it. And on that day you'll choose it with a smile and from deep in your heart and you will be living a changed life.... in so many ways.
At the end of the day, no matter how many words or experiences I share, it is each person's journey.
Just like everyone warned me about getting married young - and I still did it. Just like I spent over a decade after my first exposure to AA telling myself all the reasons AA wasn't for me....
We will NEVER do it until WE ARE READY TO DO IT. No matter what it is.
So... my advice here always focuses on choice. Sobriety is a choice. It's a choice to commit yourself to the harder path. It's a choice to value the payoff of a joyful and present life more than the perceived payoff of drinking.
To really make that choice, what it took for me was a long, drawn-out downward slide punctuated by regular pain, misery, despair and shame. Eventually, all of that plus the very real threat of losing everything I cared about led me to REALLY make the choice.
When I decided to REALLY make the choice - then I had to make it over and over again, every new day. And here's the key.... I really do think that if I'd simply begun making the choice earlier... even if I really wasn't fully on board with THE BIG FOREVER CHOICE - then maybe I'd have gotten sober sooner.
Maybe even though you struggle to WANT it for yourself, you can bring yourself to CHOOSE it for today. Just one damn day of choosing sobriety, whether you really want it or not. Focus on the reasons why you even MIGHT want to choose it, and just choose it for Today.
Then do that again tomorrow.
I promise you, if you choose it and if you begin to really do the work of changing - the choosing will become easier and easier until one day you wake up to the glorious realization that you really, really, really DO want it. And on that day you'll choose it with a smile and from deep in your heart and you will be living a changed life.... in so many ways.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
What is it that gives strenght to take action ?
Knowing that every time you drink this happens, Acceptance of that fact, you must want things to change
Hi Vendetta why is alcohol so important it has precedence over your life - no need to answer that that is for you to deeply think about
I think it's too early for a relationship esp when your trying to find your feet in recovery sorry to say that it's only my opinion your life is yours to decide just know were all here anytime you need
Is this a day 1 bud
Knowing that every time you drink this happens, Acceptance of that fact, you must want things to change
Hi Vendetta why is alcohol so important it has precedence over your life - no need to answer that that is for you to deeply think about
I think it's too early for a relationship esp when your trying to find your feet in recovery sorry to say that it's only my opinion your life is yours to decide just know were all here anytime you need
Is this a day 1 bud
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
It's simple, not easy. It means taking action. It means doing something specific towards recovery.
I hope that you are cautious with the relationship, both for the girl and yourself.
I hope that you are cautious with the relationship, both for the girl and yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
I did not make the choice to go "all in" on sobriety at first. I made the choice to take a break (quit getting drunk & high) for long enough to figure this out. At three months, it looked like the obvious solution. At six months, it WAS obvious. EVERYTHING was better to some degree or another. I then made the big plan.
Funny thing is...at two years, I'm still being surprised by benefits. You could say i've stopped being surprised by being surprised.
Quit. Just do it. Confirm your suspicions and claim the prize!
Wishing you the peace you deserve.
Funny thing is...at two years, I'm still being surprised by benefits. You could say i've stopped being surprised by being surprised.
Quit. Just do it. Confirm your suspicions and claim the prize!
Wishing you the peace you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
It took me a while also to reach a place of acceptance, I tried to convince myself that I didn't really have a problem, or that I could fix me, that I could drink moderatly, and that I could be a normal drinker, and so I went round and round in circles for a long time trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
I finally got to the point when I released alcohol seemed to be the cause of so much misery in my life, and not the blatant stuff, I had never lost a job, lost a relationship, lost my driving licence, no major things had happened, it was instead the smaller stuff, so much time wasted on hangovers, my health on the inside being slowly damaged, the going to work and worrying about the previous nights drinking, did I drive over the limit? can anyone tell? the regrets over actions, the money spent to fuel my drinking.
Alcohol if you begin to look at life is in there, and for me it was starting to affect and control too much for comfort, that was how I reached some acceptance, realising that there was no other solution except taking alcohol out of the picture!!
Life has been looking up ever since after taking that leap of faith!!
I finally got to the point when I released alcohol seemed to be the cause of so much misery in my life, and not the blatant stuff, I had never lost a job, lost a relationship, lost my driving licence, no major things had happened, it was instead the smaller stuff, so much time wasted on hangovers, my health on the inside being slowly damaged, the going to work and worrying about the previous nights drinking, did I drive over the limit? can anyone tell? the regrets over actions, the money spent to fuel my drinking.
Alcohol if you begin to look at life is in there, and for me it was starting to affect and control too much for comfort, that was how I reached some acceptance, realising that there was no other solution except taking alcohol out of the picture!!
Life has been looking up ever since after taking that leap of faith!!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,823
People will make pro and con lists , write out and compare the positive and negative aspects of something in order to explicitly clarify and examine the rationalization a and justifications for taking an action or plotting an actions course. It is easy to see the benefits of making such a list and the motivation it can provide.
Not in the way of advise, but more in the way of observation and comment: do you see that you are advocating the addiction's pro side of a list? It's point of view has seemingly skewed your view into seeing the actual negative side of the list as the positive side. It is fooling you into not not taking action , by Its backward logic.
You are using it's reverse logic to justify future or continued drinking. A more rational assessment would lay out the true pros and cons with an emphasis on a much larger con , negative ledger page, and a one item or even nonexistent pro or positive entry(the buzz). The actual tote should lead one to taking an inaction, that of not using alcohol. I doubt you would ever regret making the decision to quit. Reread your post , see if perhaps the motivations for continued alcohol use is actually the addiction talking.
Maybe the realization of how far the hooks of addiction are sunk in and how that affects your thinking, will provide the motivation to kick it out of your thinking.
Not in the way of advise, but more in the way of observation and comment: do you see that you are advocating the addiction's pro side of a list? It's point of view has seemingly skewed your view into seeing the actual negative side of the list as the positive side. It is fooling you into not not taking action , by Its backward logic.
You are using it's reverse logic to justify future or continued drinking. A more rational assessment would lay out the true pros and cons with an emphasis on a much larger con , negative ledger page, and a one item or even nonexistent pro or positive entry(the buzz). The actual tote should lead one to taking an inaction, that of not using alcohol. I doubt you would ever regret making the decision to quit. Reread your post , see if perhaps the motivations for continued alcohol use is actually the addiction talking.
Maybe the realization of how far the hooks of addiction are sunk in and how that affects your thinking, will provide the motivation to kick it out of your thinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: London
Posts: 71
I needed to gain back control over my life. Alcohol owned me from morning till night! It was often always at the back of my mind. So many decisions were made around getting a drink. I couldn't stand it in the end. I felt powerless and week. I felt that I no longer owned or controlled my own mind. I had to put a stop to it. If you see my first posts on here they are of a desperate woman terrified to put the bottle down. Two years on and compleatly sober, from the support of this site alone, I am living a fulfilled and happy life. I don't post that often and in fact these days I am rarely on this site but I will be forever greatful to it and it's community for saving my life. I try and post now and again in the hope that my message will somehow help others. I look at alcohol now with disdain. It is a nasty powerful drug that ruins lives. I have only in very recent months come to accept that I can never drink again. It is only when I accepted that, that the cravings and drinking dreams finally totally stopped. What made me accept that I can never drink again ....... accepting that I AM AN ALCOHOLIC did! I did not go to AA meetings, my family and friends have no idea that I am an alcoholic, I do not screem it from the roof tops. Only two people know why have stopped drinking the rest think that I have developed an allergy to it. My life now is in far contrast to the misery that I was suffering two years ago. My life now is happy and free and I love it. I wish the same happiness for you, I truly do.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by vendetta 
I won't go by myself but I have a good friend who will go with me. But it's hard cause I've worked so hard to not let my problem hurt others. And for me to ask her to go with me means I've taken precious time out of her life to help me.
Again any advice would be appreciated.
Again any advice would be appreciated.
You asked = But what good is plan without action to follow it? So now I ask what is it that gives strength to take action to follow a plan? I believe that is the question to help me.
Suiting up and showing up at meetings is very good action step. The strength for me came from not wanting to cause more pain to myself and others.
Sometimes recovery for me included NOT taking action - don't get in the car and drive to the liquor store was one that comes to mind.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by vendetta
So now I ask what is it that gives strength to take action to follow a plan? I believe that is the question to help me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
Yeah its a weird 1.....i tried to control my drinking for years & couldn't. I don't know what made me accept it this time, but i was doing it for me & not anyone else. I just kept thinking 'i love being drunk but i hate the feeling afterwards' so i guess thats as simple as it was, i couldn't justify it anymore & i HAD to be a better mother. If YOU dont have that acceptance then its gonna b tricky, nobody other tha YOU can make u decide & stick with it, good luck!!!!!x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I agree with you that action is needed Vendetta - I've said so before.
I think theorising over why you can't act is another way of procrastinating to be honest.
I had no motivation when I quit either - beyond fear of death, which motivated me tremendously but never for very long.
Some here said 'fake it til you make it' I thought that was ridiculous but I gave it a try. I acted as if I wanted recovery.
I put in the hours, I did the work, I made the hard lifestyle choices - my motivation was simply to embrace change, because my way of running my life sucked.
and it worked...it was not very long before fake became real.
Along those same lines I would put dating on the backburner for now.
Seriously, what are the chances of you staying a non drinker through that experience?
I would say slim to none - not judging you as a person, but observing where you are right now.
I didn't date for a few months because I felt I would be' inflicting' myself on someone else.
I waited I got my shizz together and my dates, and the people I dated, were the better for it.
D
I think theorising over why you can't act is another way of procrastinating to be honest.
I had no motivation when I quit either - beyond fear of death, which motivated me tremendously but never for very long.
Some here said 'fake it til you make it' I thought that was ridiculous but I gave it a try. I acted as if I wanted recovery.
I put in the hours, I did the work, I made the hard lifestyle choices - my motivation was simply to embrace change, because my way of running my life sucked.
and it worked...it was not very long before fake became real.
Along those same lines I would put dating on the backburner for now.
Seriously, what are the chances of you staying a non drinker through that experience?
I would say slim to none - not judging you as a person, but observing where you are right now.
I didn't date for a few months because I felt I would be' inflicting' myself on someone else.
I waited I got my shizz together and my dates, and the people I dated, were the better for it.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by Venecia
Would you consider yourself good boyfriend material right now?
Is that fair to her?
What is your top priority? Sobriety?
Is that fair to her?
What is your top priority? Sobriety?
I've been straight with her.
No sobriety is not my top priority. That's why I think I need to start this relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by dwtbd
People will make pro and con lists , write out and compare the positive and negative aspects of something in order to explicitly clarify and examine the rationalization a and justifications for taking an action or plotting an actions course. It is easy to see the benefits of making such a list and the motivation it can provide.
Not in the way of advise, but more in the way of observation and comment: do you see that you are advocating the addiction's pro side of a list? It's point of view has seemingly skewed your view into seeing the actual negative side of the list as the positive side. It is fooling you into not not taking action , by Its backward logic.
You are using it's reverse logic to justify future or continued drinking. A more rational assessment would lay out the true pros and cons with an emphasis on a much larger con , negative ledger page, and a one item or even nonexistent pro or positive entry(the buzz). The actual tote should lead one to taking an inaction, that of not using alcohol. I doubt you would ever regret making the decision to quit. Reread your post , see if perhaps the motivations for continued alcohol use is actually the addiction talking.
Maybe the realization of how far the hooks of addiction are sunk in and how that affects your thinking, will provide the motivation to kick it out of your thinking.
Not in the way of advise, but more in the way of observation and comment: do you see that you are advocating the addiction's pro side of a list? It's point of view has seemingly skewed your view into seeing the actual negative side of the list as the positive side. It is fooling you into not not taking action , by Its backward logic.
You are using it's reverse logic to justify future or continued drinking. A more rational assessment would lay out the true pros and cons with an emphasis on a much larger con , negative ledger page, and a one item or even nonexistent pro or positive entry(the buzz). The actual tote should lead one to taking an inaction, that of not using alcohol. I doubt you would ever regret making the decision to quit. Reread your post , see if perhaps the motivations for continued alcohol use is actually the addiction talking.
Maybe the realization of how far the hooks of addiction are sunk in and how that affects your thinking, will provide the motivation to kick it out of your thinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 226
Originally Posted by Dee74
Can you see that you're looking for an external solution to an internal problem Vendetta?
D
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,837
Originally Posted by leviathan
I did not make the choice to go "all in" on sobriety at first. I made the choice to take a break (quit getting drunk & high) for long enough to figure this out. At three months, it looked like the obvious solution. At six months, it WAS obvious. EVERYTHING was better to some degree or another. I then made the big plan.
Funny thing is...at two years, I'm still being surprised by benefits. You could say i've stopped being surprised by being surprised.
Quit. Just do it. Confirm your suspicions and claim the prize!
Wishing you the peace you deserve.
Funny thing is...at two years, I'm still being surprised by benefits. You could say i've stopped being surprised by being surprised.
Quit. Just do it. Confirm your suspicions and claim the prize!
Wishing you the peace you deserve.
I haven't been sober as long as you, but this is how its gone for me too.
Xoxo
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by vendetta
No honestly I cant. And if I do then I might as well just give up. My concerns about myself are minute. If i rely on that then I'll be drunk and dead soon.everyone is different.
I tried to fill a void in me. I tried booze, drugs, jobs, hobbies. love, sex, people.
Nothing worked until I stopped trying to fill a bottomless hole and started working on healing that void instead.
It's your alcohol driven lack of self esteem, and your addiction, that are convincing you that, alone, you're not worth the fight.
They lie.
In some respects Ven, we are all precisely the same.
D
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